~When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.
~When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.
~When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.
~Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.
~Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.
~Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.
~Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
~Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living crap out of them.
~If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.
~Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
~When waiting in line at a drive-through bank, wait until you are at the window before filling out the forms.
~Never use your ashtray. Flick cigarettes out the window when you are done with them.
~Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB.
~If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.
~Save time, read your newspaper and have breakfast while driving to work.
~Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving.
~Adjust your car seat so that the drivers behind you only see the top of your head and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel.
~When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.
~If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.
~On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.
~If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.
~When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.
~When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.
~Keep your ski racks on all year round so that you look like a police car in other car's rear-view mirrors.
~When parking on a residential street without curbs, always make sure that you park partially on someone's lawn.
~Always change the radio station, tape, or CD while you are in the middle of changing lanes.
~If you are a driving school instructor, make as many appointments as possible during peak traffic times. Then inform your students to drive real slow and not to worry about the "crazy morons" on the road.
~After filling your tank and paying at a busy gas station, leave your car in front of the pumps while you use the restroom and shop for a snack.
~If another driver does something stupid to tick you off, get out of your car at the next red light and scream at him through his window to get out and have his a@$$ kicked.
~Drive until you are 130 years old, with no eye sight, hearing, reflexes, wit, or pulse.
~When running into a local 24 hour convenience store, leave your 1 year old infant in the car alone with the ignition running.
~Save money. Don't bother with insurance.
~After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.
~If you are over 6'6" tall, weigh more than 250 pounds, and have no problems kicking anyone's butt, adjust your seat height and back so that only your head shows over the steering wheel and drive like a Moron. Then when other drivers challenge you to a fight because they think that you're a shrimp, get out and beat them to a pulp.
~Never adjust your mirrors so that you can see anything. Or adjust them so that you can see your hair.
~When leaving a fast food drive-thru restaurant, drive into traffic by steering with your knee, as you balance a large Coke between your legs and unwrap your hamburger to squeeze ketchup onto it.
~If you get pulled over by a law enforcement officer, try to talk your way out of the ticket. Even if you drive a "souped-up" red sports car with no muffler or seat belts, illegally tinted windows, bumper stickers that say "Legalize Marijuana" and a vanity license plate that says "F E L O N".
~If you are driving a loaded dump truck, never cover the top. Then drive as fast as possible to cause a storm of debris to fly toward traffic behind you.
~Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.
~Drive with enough boxes and packages in your car so that they completely block the side and back windows.
~When coming home from work the evening before a holiday, always drive like a maniac to increase your chances of getting into an accident. If you do get into an accident, try to take as many other vehicles with you as possible to jam up traffic with people who want to get home early.
~When driving around curves, always drive over the line and into the oncoming traffic lane.
____________________
I've seen most of these.
~When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.
~When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.
~Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.
~Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.
~Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.
~Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
~Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living crap out of them.
~If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.
~Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
~When waiting in line at a drive-through bank, wait until you are at the window before filling out the forms.
~Never use your ashtray. Flick cigarettes out the window when you are done with them.
~Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB.
~If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.
~Save time, read your newspaper and have breakfast while driving to work.
~Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving.
~Adjust your car seat so that the drivers behind you only see the top of your head and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel.
~When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.
~If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.
~On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.
~If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.
~When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.
~When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.
~Keep your ski racks on all year round so that you look like a police car in other car's rear-view mirrors.
~When parking on a residential street without curbs, always make sure that you park partially on someone's lawn.
~Always change the radio station, tape, or CD while you are in the middle of changing lanes.
~If you are a driving school instructor, make as many appointments as possible during peak traffic times. Then inform your students to drive real slow and not to worry about the "crazy morons" on the road.
~After filling your tank and paying at a busy gas station, leave your car in front of the pumps while you use the restroom and shop for a snack.
~If another driver does something stupid to tick you off, get out of your car at the next red light and scream at him through his window to get out and have his a@$$ kicked.
~Drive until you are 130 years old, with no eye sight, hearing, reflexes, wit, or pulse.
~When running into a local 24 hour convenience store, leave your 1 year old infant in the car alone with the ignition running.
~Save money. Don't bother with insurance.
~After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.
~If you are over 6'6" tall, weigh more than 250 pounds, and have no problems kicking anyone's butt, adjust your seat height and back so that only your head shows over the steering wheel and drive like a Moron. Then when other drivers challenge you to a fight because they think that you're a shrimp, get out and beat them to a pulp.
~Never adjust your mirrors so that you can see anything. Or adjust them so that you can see your hair.
~When leaving a fast food drive-thru restaurant, drive into traffic by steering with your knee, as you balance a large Coke between your legs and unwrap your hamburger to squeeze ketchup onto it.
~If you get pulled over by a law enforcement officer, try to talk your way out of the ticket. Even if you drive a "souped-up" red sports car with no muffler or seat belts, illegally tinted windows, bumper stickers that say "Legalize Marijuana" and a vanity license plate that says "F E L O N".
~If you are driving a loaded dump truck, never cover the top. Then drive as fast as possible to cause a storm of debris to fly toward traffic behind you.
~Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.
~Drive with enough boxes and packages in your car so that they completely block the side and back windows.
~When coming home from work the evening before a holiday, always drive like a maniac to increase your chances of getting into an accident. If you do get into an accident, try to take as many other vehicles with you as possible to jam up traffic with people who want to get home early.
~When driving around curves, always drive over the line and into the oncoming traffic lane.
____________________
I've seen most of these.
