Young children and divorce... How do you handle the weekly visitation transitions?

sleuth

Livin' Like Thanksgivin'
My girlfriend is having a very tough time with this. Her recently ex'ed ex-husband gets the 3 year old daughter two nights a week and every other weekend.

The problem is that the little girl freaks out when it's time to go to Dad's. She hides, cries, fights, claws, and screams anytime he comes to pick her up.

When you quiz the child as to why she doesn't want to go to her dad's, she either dodges the question and talks about something else, or she just says that she gets bored because all her dad does is set her in front of the tv or gives her the same books and games every time she visits.

I have my own theories on the guy, but as I only get to hear one side I am reluctant to make judgements. I personally think he is a world-class a-hole, and the fact that he was abusive to his ex-wife makes me wonder if he's abusive to the girl. But unless the girl will elaborate on her visits, we have nothing on him.

I have told my girlfriend that the only thing I can think of that she can really do is be a parent and lay down the law, and not allow the tantrums when the time comes for him to pick up the girl. And that should the tantrums continue, the daughter be disciplined. He's still the dad and until she has proof of abuse, there's not much else she can do. However, she is reluctant to discipline for fear that something sinister may be happening, and that her discipline would be in error.

Anyone had this problem? Anyone got some advice?

The only other advice I could give her was to go to counseling with her and her daughter.
 
J

justhangn

Guest
He's doing something to the child that makes her not want to go, make sure her mother gives her a thorough lookover before and after each visit. :really:
 
K

Kain99

Guest
Is Dad witnessing the tantrums? Maybe Mom can sit down with him and draft a more suitable plan. Maybe the girl is just sick and tired of so much back and forth.

Counseling is a good idea.
 

Dymphna

Loyalty, Friendship, Love
There might be something fishy going on, or it might just be a stage the child is going through. My 3-yo will sometimes fight, hide, kick and scream when Huntr tries to do something for him, be it getting him dressed or fixing him something to eat. My older boy went through a stage about age 3 1/2 or 4 where only Mommy could do anything right, he'd get into a pout if his PB&J wasn't cut the right way :rolleyes:

Your gf should be aware of what's going on, keep asking questions, talk to the father etc. But the problem could seriously just be that the child is bored or doesn't like how daddy does things (not wrong, just different)
 

sleuth

Livin' Like Thanksgivin'
Originally posted by cariblue
Counseling is a good idea.

Meanwhile, make sure she has something entertaining to take with her so she isn't so bored.

How old?

She's 3...
 

sleuth

Livin' Like Thanksgivin'
Originally posted by justhangn
He's doing something to the child that makes her not want to go, make sure her mother gives her a thorough lookover before and after each visit. :really:

I've suggested that...
However, if there's any abuse, my guess is that it's emotional or mental. Apparently she's only had one real bruise in the past year in which the girl couldn't remember how she got it. And other than that no signs.

'Course, I don't think she's checkin' under the undergarments. How appropriate is it to be strippin' down your daughter after every visit? Might that cause problems later?
 

sleuth

Livin' Like Thanksgivin'
Originally posted by Kain99
Is Dad witnessing the tantrums? Maybe Mom can sit down with him and draft a more suitable plan. Maybe the girl is just sick and tired of so much back and forth.

Counseling is a good idea.

Yes, Dad witnesses the tantrums. It occurs every time he shows up at the door.

Currently he gets her two nights a week. I suggested that maybe it would be better if that was two consecutive nights a week, so that there'd be less passing back and forth. Still, if that were to happen, there'd still be the issue of leaving her with her grandparents everyday for daycare while the parents are working.
 

sleuth

Livin' Like Thanksgivin'
Originally posted by cariblue
Do either of you really think sexual abuse is a possibility? If so, then don't try and question her yourself. This is a very delicate issue and should be handled by a counselor. If he has done anything, he also could be threatening her with harm to her mother.

We don't want to believe it's sexual abuse... But while they were married, he was sexually abusive to his wife.
 
K

Kain99

Guest
Originally posted by sleuth14
We don't want to believe it's sexual abuse... But while they were married, he was sexually abusive to his wife.
With a three year old the signs will be graphically apparent. If this is suspected take her to the pediatrician ASAP!

I am certain that this visitation is court ordered, correct?
 

sleuth

Livin' Like Thanksgivin'
The visitation is court-ordered.

I believe she is intending to take the girl to get counseling through her church. Since money is tight, she's quite limited on funds. The church will hopefully have professionally trained counselors. :frown:
 
They should do their best to try to make the transition a pleasant one for the daughter. Maybe the girl is picking up on emotions put forth by the mother when dad is on his way? Perhaps they should meet in a neutral place over ice cream or something like. If, indeed, the father is NOT abusing the girl, this should work for them, dont'cha think?
 

fddog

Bow wow
When the ex an i split, my son would throw tantrums when it was time to go back to his moms. It has been almost 2 years and all is good now, by talking to the child and explaining things in terms he understands all has worked out. i get my child every wednesday an every other week wednesday till sunday, also 4 weeks in the summer and 1 week at christmas. i have had numerous descussions with him in the fact that mom an dad love you but not each other. and after all this time he some what understands. he told his mom last week she needs to have another baby, so he can live with dad an the new baby can live with her:biggrin: Children also feel the tension between couples, the worse thing you or anyone can do is down the other parent. I hold no conversation that will get ugly infront of my son. i do look for signs of abuse or bruises that are out of the ordinary. and if there is any i take a picture and document the date. all you can do is talk to the child and ask questions, not put thoughts in their head.
 

JabbaJawz

Be about it
Originally posted by cariblue
That's a difficult age anyway. They're very prone to tantrums when they don't get their way.

:yeahthat: My kid went through this as well, but her Dad is cool and I knew there was no foul play going on - therefore it was easy to deal with b/c even when she was upset I could still send her away feeling confident that she'd be fine w/in 2 minutes and be well taken care of for the weekend.

Also, when I would ask her why she didn't want to go to Daddy's, she never really answered me. I wasn't about to say, "Is Daddy mean to you," or some crap like that - because you can ask a :bs: question like that to any 3 year old and they'll say, "yes" just for the heck of it. I wasn't about to put thoughts into her head, ya know. Therefore, when she avoided the question, I just let it be. I would simply say, "If you don't tell Mommy why you dislike going we can't help you." She usually ignored me, so I figured it wasn't that important to her. Now that she's 4 1/2 there are times here and there that she doesn't want to go, but it's usually just silly reasons and she gets over them quickly.
 
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vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
Good post, PFGal. :cheers:

When Larry's girls were little, they'd alternate between not wanting to go with their Mom and not wanting to come home. They get that bonding going on and it's hard to uproot and leave. BUT after their Mom got remarried and they'd balk at going to her house with the new husband, we didn't make them. On several occasions, I made up an excuse for them to stay home so they didn't have to deal with the guilt of telling their Mom they didn't want to deal with her husband and new step-daughters.

The bottom line is that we trust their Mom, now that she's not doing silly things like marrying guys she hardly knows. :lol: So if you trust the ex, encourage the kid to go. If you don't, keep her home.
 

Pete

Repete
My advise is to stay out of it. Not your business as it is between the three of them. This is why every expert on the planet backed up by a boat load of statistics say do not get into a serious relationship immediatly after a divorce. Wait 1 year for every 3 you were married so that you have time to take care of "little" issues like this :rolleyes:

Your involvement should be limited because.

1. You are a stranger who only hears 1 side of the situation from a very biased source.

2. You have knight in shining armor syndrom and there is no known cure.

3. This guy isn't going to give a rats ass about your suggestions because you will be they guy who is boinking HIS wife, and it will be that way for a long time.

4. It is THEIR daughter not yours.

Now I know you are going to ignore 1-4 above so here is my take on your original question as someone who went through it.

A 3 year old will cry and throw a tantrum when they feel uncomfortable. Being passed between the 2 people who they love the most like a Fedex pachage is uncomfortable.

Dads do not tend to be as touchy feely, entertaining and warm and fuzzy as moms.

3 year olds can sense a vibe form a parent, either the "Oh I am so sorry you have to go with dad" or "I am scared this kid is going to cry in front of everyone" and they will react to that vibe.

They will scream like a homocidal maniac to get what they want "because it works" 99.9% of the time in issues that DO NOT involve a court order.

Face it dude, you are stuck with it for at least 15 more years. Oh and don't think he will give up and lose interest, it rarely happens that way. One day she will pitch a fit when it is time to come home to your G/F. Then you will get to experience 1/8th of what a kick in the gut it feels like to have your kid not want to come home.(I say 1/8th because she will be a step kid) I wonder if all his friends will speculate that you or the g/f are abusive or molesters :rolleyes:
 
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TripleJ

New Member
I like pete's advise.........I have dealt with many situations like this in a twenty year spand.............abuse? do you not know if the woman is poisoning the child against the father? that wasn't mentioned....... bruises? you show me a young child without bruises and I will show you an unhealthy child, you play, you fall, you bruise.........I hate it when one parent cries foul out of bitterness, and that is more the rule than the exception, three year olds express themseleves in the fashion of three year olds, and this is normal.........they will present this type of behavior with which ever parent they are with, ( a fact with which you are ignorant of since you are not there when they leave the father) bottem line....... they are happy with the parent they are currently with, and would like both parents to be together again............ Like pete suggested? mind your own business, unless your are the boinker, that is causing all the problems in the first place with this family? :cheers:
 

sleuth

Livin' Like Thanksgivin'
Originally posted by Pete

Your involvement should be limited...

Just wanted to state for the record that my involvement IS limited. I do not even speak to the ex-husband.. never met him. And I never badmouth him in front of the daughter, because as much as I'd like to see him get lost, he IS her dad, and I'll leave it up to her to decide if she wants to have a relationship with him when she's older.

My role is and always has been a confidante (sp?) for the mom (my girlfriend) and my suggestions have always been submitted through her, i.e. I offer a suggestion and if she likes it then she goes to the ex and claims it as her own.

I guess what bothers me is I know how soft-hearted my gf is and that it breaks her heart to see her daughter act like this and not know why. I've forwarded some of the responses of this thread and I think it helped her somewhat to know that her daughter's tantrums are a normal, or at least not unusual, response to what is going on. I think it allays (sp?) some of her fears, but not her vigilance. And, as I said before, I think she intends to take the girl to counseling.

Thanks y'all. :cheers:
 

sleuth

Livin' Like Thanksgivin'
Originally posted by TripleJ
I like pete's advise.........I have dealt with many situations like this in a twenty year spand.............abuse? do you not know if the woman is poisoning the child against the father?
...
...
...

mind your own business, unless your are the boinker, that is causing all the problems in the first place with this family? :cheers:

I just don't think the "poisoning" is occurring from her. I've been with the two of them when they discuss the ex and unless there's something in the intonations of her voice that I'm not hearing, that's not happening.

Now, that being said, the grandparents babysit the girl quite often and there could be a lot of poisoning going on there. But they are hardheaded and short of finding a new babysitter, which would cause another total uproar in that already highly dysfunctional family, not much can be done about that.

As for me being the boinker causing the problems, well... I didn't meet my gf until 8 months after she had filed for divorce.
 
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