Mothers-in-Law

pelers

pelers

Active Member
For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:
 
A

animalluvr4life

animal luvr
pelers said:
For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:
Click to expand...

maybe she figured after a long day at work you would like to come home and relax that is why she did your laundry (shes trying to be helpful since she is home with the baby and when he or she is napping figured she would help with the housework). I wouldn't shoot her down or she might make you travel for her to see her grandbaby and you wouldn't want that would you?
 
PrepH4U

PrepH4U

New Member
pelers said:
For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:
Click to expand...

Oh wow! I agree she should just sit around smoking in your home, leaving dirty dishes scattered around. Throw her dirty clothes down to you and ask you to take care of them. She should not ever ever make a meal for you to eat after you come home from a long day at work. How dare she!
You are lucky that you have someone to come and visit you and try to help out with the baby. It is not a permanent situation. Get a grip!
now
 
Nickel

Nickel

curiouser and curiouser
Have you tried speaking to her about it? It sounds like she's just trying to be helpful.
 
sockgirl77

sockgirl77

Well-Known Member
If I PM you my address will you please send her my way? I'll let her claim my kids as her grandbabies. :smile:
 
pelers

pelers

Active Member
I know that she is just trying to be helpful and that's why I haven't brought it up with her. I was hoping for some suggestions on a delicate way to ask her to back off a bit because I DO like her and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Honestly I would rather they just put their dirty dishes in the sink and left them there. I will handle them. I have no problems doing that. I was raised that when you have company (family or not) they are GUESTS, and GUESTS do not do chores for you.

They do travel quite a ways to come see us, so they usually stay for 4 days or so at a time. Since the baby has been born they usually come up every few weeks. They want my baby sleeping with them in the guest room, they want to handle all of his diaper changes, are constantly playing with him. I love that they love him so much and want to spend time with him. I hate that they make me feel like I'm intruding and taking "THEIR GRANDBABY" away when he's obviously overstimulated and exhausted and needs a nap and some quiet time. Yes, I understand it sounds like a dream break but it's stressful to feel like you aren't allowed to come near your own child for 4 days!
 
Roman

Roman

Active Member
I loved my MIL, but there were times where she was a bit too intrusive. I always enjoyed letting her clean, make meals, and tend the kids while she visited. Just keep it in your head, that "This too shall pass".
 
kwillia

kwillia

n/a
You will someday be a MIL to the spouse of your new baby. Imagine your child's significant other not wanting you involved with your grandchild.

Now that I'm in my 40s, I see friends and relatives of mine become grandmothers. It has been my observation that the maternal instinct and sudden overwhelming feeling of unconditional love can become just as strong in a woman when she becomes a grandmother as it is for a woman who has become a mother. Her nurturing instincts have kicked in.

She remembers what it's like to be a new mother and how hard it is to find time for yourself. It sounds like she's just trying to help you find some extra time and at the same time make a very crucial bond with her grandchild.

Try to recognize the value of this new phase of your relationship. The pace of her visits will ease up as will her feelings of wanting to nurture and help you. Enjoy it while it last and if it really does bother your so much for her to be doing your laundry just plain tell her it embarasses you and you want her to no longer do it.
 
D

daylily

no longer CalvertNewbie
pelers said:
For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:
Click to expand...

My Mom & my inlaws also travel to come see their grandbaby, generally stay 2 or 3 nights every couple of months. I LOVE it if any of them wash dishes, clean up after themselves, etc. If they saw that my son's hamper was full of dirty clothes and did his laundry, I'd appreciate that too. But I could certainly do without any of them folding my lingerie and I'd feel weird afterwards ilike you do, especially if my MIL folded my bras and panties in front of my FIL! :cds:

I think your best bet is to do what I do......when my inlaws are coming into town, especially if they're gonna babysit when hubby & I go away, I make sure there is NO dirty laundry to be done. My MIL did their laundry here one time and I had left clean clothes in the dryer. She folded it all, being nice, and I remember being so thankful that it was only towels and sheets!
 
Merlin99

Merlin99

Visualize whirled peas
PREMO Member
kwillia said:
You will someday be a MIL to the spouse of your new baby. Imagine your child's significant other not wanting you involved with your grandchild.

Now that I'm in my 40s, I see friends and relatives of mine become grandmothers. It has been my observation that the maternal instinct and sudden overwhelming feeling of unconditional love can become just as strong in a woman when she becomes a grandmother as it is for a woman who has become a mother. Her nurturing instincts have kicked in.

She remembers what it's like to be a new mother and how hard it is to find time for yourself. It sounds like she's just trying to help you find some extra time and at the same time make a very crucial bond with her grandchild.

Try to recognize the value of this new phase of your relationship. The pace of her visits will ease up as will her feelings of wanting to nurture and help you. Enjoy it while it last and if it really does bother your so much for her to be doing your laundry just plain tell her it embarasses you and you want her to no longer do it.
Click to expand...
I keep coming up with 56, maybe your math is off. http://forums.somd.com/1733051-post98.html
 
puggymom

puggymom

Active Member
I honestly am not sure there is a way because of this:
kwillia said:
She remembers what it's like to be a new mother and how hard it is to find time for yourself. It sounds like she's just trying to help you find some extra time and at the same time make a very crucial bond with her grandchild.
Click to expand...

I do not think there is a way to say anything w/o hurting her feelings.

I remember reading once about people visiting a new baby and the complaint was they just sat around and wanted to hold the new baby. While yes they were there to visit the baby but being there added mess to the house and added more work for the already tired sleep deprived new parents. The gist was trying to help out and I just do not think there is a way around it.

How long is she there for? Can you hide your 'delicates' and wash them on your own later?
 
SoMDGirl42

SoMDGirl42

Well-Known Member
pelers said:
For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:
Click to expand...

laundry might be pushing it. I would be embarrassed to have a MIL doing my laundry. As for the rest, I think she's just trying to help.

Tread lightly on the subject. You might turn an uncomfortable situation into a nightmare.
 
D

daylily

no longer CalvertNewbie
kwillia said:
You will someday be a MIL to the spouse of your new baby. Imagine your child's significant other not wanting you involved with your grandchild.

Now that I'm in my 40s, I see friends and relatives of mine become grandmothers. It has been my observation that the maternal instinct and sudden overwhelming feeling of unconditional love can become just as strong in a woman when she becomes a grandmother as it is for a woman who has become a mother. Her nurturing instincts have kicked in.

She remembers what it's like to be a new mother and how hard it is to find time for yourself. It sounds like she's just trying to help you find some extra time and at the same time make a very crucial bond with her grandchild.

Try to recognize the value of this new phase of your relationship. The pace of her visits will ease up as will her feelings of wanting to nurture and help you. Enjoy it while it last and if it really does bother your so much for her to be doing your laundry just plain tell her it embarasses you and you want her to no longer do it.
Click to expand...

That's a really good point. My inlaws are great about insisting that hubby and I take a date night when they'll be in town to babysit. Or they'll tell me to just go get my nails done or go food shopping solo. They recognize that we have no family here and that we never get time alone. My MIL can be overearing in some ways but I consider myself lucky that all my son's grandparents want to spend time with him as he grows. But like the OP, I wouldn't be too happy if she was washing my bras! :killingme
 
kwillia

kwillia

n/a
MIL is an adult. Point blank tell her you appreciate her help but your laundry is personal and you'd like to keep that chore to yourself. Give her the boundary without any drama or emotion and leave it at that...:shrug:
 
pelers

pelers

Active Member
puggymom said:
How long is she there for? Can you hide your 'delicates' and wash them on your own later?
Click to expand...

That is what I'll be doing in the future. The last visit was the first time she touched my laundry so from now on it will either be done BEFORE they arrive or it will be well hidden.

I dunno, it's just really hard because I KNOW she is just trying to be helpful but it ends up making extra work for me after they leave trying to straighten out her help. I think she knows I don't like her doing chores around my house so she tries to sneak them when I'm not looking. It ends up with me having to play treasure hunt all over my kitchen to figure out where she put this, that or the other thing. Or the time I opened up a cupboard and had coffee cups fall out on my head because she tried stacking them on a high shelf.
 
Roberta

Roberta

OLD WISE ONE
PrepH4U said:
Oh wow! I agree she should just sit around smoking in your home, leaving dirty dishes scattered around. Throw her dirty clothes down to you and ask you to take care of them. She should not ever ever make a meal for you to eat after you come home from a long day at work. How dare she!
You are lucky that you have someone to come and visit you and try to help out with the baby. It is not a permanent situation. Get a grip!
now
Click to expand...

:yay::yay:
 
kwillia

kwillia

n/a
pelers said:
I dunno, it's just really hard because I KNOW she is just trying to be helpful but it ends up making extra work for me after they leave trying to straighten out her help. I think she knows I don't like her doing chores around my house so she tries to sneak them when I'm not looking. It ends up with me having to play treasure hunt all over my kitchen to figure out where she put this, that or the other thing. Or the time I opened up a cupboard and had coffee cups fall out on my head because she tried stacking them on a high shelf.
Click to expand...
As true as the irritation really is... go back and re-read what you wrote and then look at the big picture. Is it really that bad and something that can't be recovered from with a sigh and a grin knowing it was done with good intention?
 
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