what direction what you take??

first, i suppose i should say hello. yes im a newby and this is my first post. i feel like im at a AA meeting.

anyway, i have a question for the fellow members (girls and guys). please put yourself in my position and tell me what direction you would take...
1. stay and see how things workout
2. leave and start over

im an early 30s male. single father with joint legal and physical custody of a wonderful 6 yr old son. my sons mother and i still get along pretty well, even after a 4 yr relationship that broke on rough terms. i didnt date at all until just a few years ago when i met the women im with currently.
now that the background is covered, let the story begin.
ive been in a committed relationship with a woman (we'll call her 'mary' for story sake) for the past 2 1/2 yrs. we have been living together for about 2 yrs now. mary is in her mid 30s, professional, never married, and childless. i met her at work as she was finishing her BS. she spoke highly of settling down with a good man, getting married, and liking children. i waited until we were dating for about 3 months before i introduced her to my son. she knew from our first meeting that i had a young son (then ~3 yrs old).
the issue im having is, now that she has finished school she wants us to go away as a couple on vacations and not take my son. she has made 4 trips this summer alone, and none of these have included my son or i. she has gone to NYC twice, colorado once, and is going to vagas in 2 weeks. mary asks me to go knowing i'll have my boy during the time she has planned the getaway. (just fyi...i treated to a 3 night Maine B&B for just the 2 of us back in april thinking she's been asking to get away). when she is home she is decent to my boy but doesnt play or partake in the daily needs at home in general or with my son. im not looking for 'another mother' for him, but someone who will atleast be more aware of the 'family' that is under our roof. and to reconize that i have a great responsibility as a father. this im sure she does NOT understand.
and yes i have spoken to her on MANY occasions. she doesnt feel that she is missing anything. i do the house work (she'll do some laudry occasionally), yard work, shopping for the house, keep up with the bills, anything to do with my son is all ME, and will near daily make a point to write her a note when i make lunches, call her during break to let her know im thinking of her, etc. i dont get any signs of appreciation or notice.
i dont want my son to see his father bouncing in and out of relationships. i want to show him how to love and care for another person. and i would like for that other person to show him some kind of affection.
is this as clear as mud? anyone else in this situation? im unsure what to do. helpful advise or suggestions???

Chances are she's not going to change. Leave and start over.

Sounds like she is pretty selfish.

Maybe she's not really ready to settle down and be a family. She seems happy with the way things are. Could you be making excuses to hold onto her when this isn't really the type of relationship you want for yourself or your son?

It's decision time; take control of the relationship and make or break it.

Go with answer #2.

You know that her avoidance of your son isn't going to significantly change, so why prolong the inevitable? Cut your losses, and be thankful that you don't have children with her. It sounds as if you are an awesome parent, and to let your girlfriend disregard/disrespect/etc him like that potentially compromises your own standing as a great father.

Not to say that she herself won't be a great parent *someday*. But right now, she's just not willing to make that committment. Your son deserves better. So do you.

Originally posted by BadGirl
Go with answer #2.

You know that her avoidance of your son isn't going to significantly change, so why prolong the inevitable? Cut your losses, and be thankful that you don't have children with her. It sounds as if you are an awesome parent, and to let your girlfriend disregard/disrespect/etc him like that potentially compromises your own standing as a great father.

Not to say that she herself won't be a great parent *someday*. But right now, she's just not willing to make that committment. Your son deserves better. So do you.

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I agree with all of the previous posters. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with your son because she isn't his mother, but all the signs say she doesn't really want to be anyone's mother. She likes to get up and go too much. Plus considering all you do, it sounds like she wants a maid and/or personal assistant more than she wants/needs a husband.

My opinion is you suggest "taking a break." Let it go from there. I bet she'll be quite happy to move on and find/hire someone else to take your place.

option #2

johnny, looks like she's not into kids (maybe only if it's her own)... can we call you mr. mom?

she sounds selfish and if you have to ask a bunch of strangers online... game over.

Sounds like you are a wonderful father..............your kid comes before any woman...end of story


run.........................faster...................say goodbye.......

Originally posted by SuperGrover
option #2

johnny, looks like she's not into kids (maybe only if it's her own)... can we call you mr. mom?

she sounds selfish and if you have to ask a bunch of strangers online... game over.

HOW COME THE FORUMS WONT LET ME POST WITHIN 30 SECONDS BUT WILL DOUBLE POST IF I CLICK ON THE SUBMIT BUTTON TWICE BY ACCIDENT?? AAAHHHH THE LIFE MYSTERIES

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psst...you know you can DELETE a post too

Women will come and go in your life. You are only blessed with a child once. He will decide your Nursing Home so be nice to him and dump the lady. She doesn't deserve you.

Originally posted by ynnhoj
anyone else in this situation? im unsure what to do. helpful advise or suggestions???

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Drop her like a bad habit. I've been in this situation...as the child. After my parents' divorced, my father married a woman who seemed nice at the time, but once she had that ring, she was uninterested in the fact that he already had 2 children. We lived with our mother, and only saw our father on occasion, because she wanted him all to herself. She didn't want an 11 and 15 year old, she wanted a baby of her very own (my dad had a vasectomy when I was about 6). She pouted all the time to get him to reverse it (which he didn't do, he already has two kids, and was in his late 30s and in no position to have more). Eventually I stopped speaking to my father because he always seemed to be putting her first. And I felt this way at 15, imagine how a 6 year old would feel. If she's not ready to accept and love your son as much as she loves you, then you don't need her.

No mercy.. Geeez!

Ladies... ladies.. ladies...


True if he has to ask on a forum for help, sumting is wrong wif this piture.... <you can't tell me you didn't notice spelling and grammar>

Point is.. there is two sides to every story...

I've never met any of the ladies on somd.com, but I do love there attitude, spirit and input.. No holds bar.. God luv 'em...

Here's to ya

Originally posted by nomoney
psst...you know you can DELETE a post too

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:dur: i guess i should have looked, and it doesn't affect my post count

I think you should let her go as well. All though you may be in a serious relationship with her and you would really like to be with her, you need to ask yourself, does she really want to be with me ? There's nothing wrong with her taking trips, vacations, etc. But the more she does and doesn't include you, I would have a problem with that.

Yes, you do have a child and you don't have the time to just get up and go like she does, but that comes with being a parent. I think you are doing a great job at wanting to give him a wonderful life and everything he needs.

And even though she may not be his mother, if the two of you get married, he is going to need her for some things in his life. Your child is the most important person in your life, but you do have to draw a line on what is best for him and yourself.

Maybe a break would be a good idea or to sit down with her and let her know that your son needs her to be a part of his life just as you do and that he must come first and that means including him.

Talk it over with her and I wish you the best.

well....WOW.
i really didnt expect this many responses.
i have intently read each persons input. THANKS a bunch. i definately needed an outsiders view without anyone known to us finding out.
i spoke to her tonight VERY briefly...just saying that we need to have a serious talk. so this wed night is the date.

i'll be sure to post up the results. either way there will be heartache.
again, thanks
sincerely
ynnhoj

Originally posted by ynnhoj
well....WOW.
i really didnt expect this many responses.

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You don't know this place very well, do you? It must've been a slow day.

Originally posted by ynnhoj

i dont want my son to see his father bouncing in and out of relationships. i want to show him how to love and care for another person. and i would like for that other person to show him some kind of affection.
is this as clear as mud? anyone else in this situation? im unsure what to do. helpful advise or suggestions???

Click to expand...

You said you have been with "Mary" for 2 1/2 years, that would hardly constitute bouncing in and out of relationships, so you shouldn't be sweating that. You've been with her well long enough to know that she's just not that into your son. You need to move on, and do it now. For your sake and the sake of your son. Good luck.

as promised, im here to post up the results of our lil conversation. and i do mean little.

we had a great dinner at our local sushi place. made alot a small talk about our day and the 'to do' lists for the house. afterwards we stopped at blockbuster to get a flick for AFTER our discussion.

i started with the memories and talks of when we first got together. we had some chuckles about past dates and mentioned the dreamsand hopes we had then. everything seemed to be going well.
she mentioned how happy she is with everything. then i told her that we needed to talk about how things were going from my perspective. i said that there were a few issues that needed to be brought to her attention and discussed. the issues being my lil boy, her feeling/position with involvement, house responsibilities, travel, and being a family.

she retorted with 'i never dated anyone in the past with kids', i had no idea what i was getting myself into, im not his mother, i dont know how im suppose to act/be around him (son).
i cant 'tell her how to be. i think that this is something that comes from within. i believe that if you allow yourself to relax (get comfortable) in any situation with kids both the individual and the children with have good experiences. i mean just be gentle in handling, speaking, etc.

mary recognized that she has been getting lazy with house duties and gave me her word that she will help out more. but i dont think that this is something i should have had to ask for to begin with. if she knew i was doing everything she should help out, not just allow me to do it all.

on the topic of travel she blew it off saying 'you know i like to travel', ' i love seeing new places'. i told her that i would like to see them also but she AND i have to do it around my time with my son or with my son. she didnt understand why she couldnt just go without me to visit old friends and vacation. every once in a while this would be fine but i think she is planning on doing this on a regular basis. this is when being a family was talked about. she was getting a bit defensive saying 'why do we have to take your son everywhere we go', 'why cant i go without you, your not my father', 'cant just you and i do something alone, together'.
well, thats the shortened version. she ended up getting up to get a drink and potty, and afterwards headed into the LR to start the movie. it was clear that she was done with our lil meeting. i didnt want to push so that was it.

-im not and never have been a controlling person. i merely want to establish a relationship involving a 'family' feeling. not 3 (mary, myself, and my son) people living seperate independant lives. i grew up with siblings, and parents that did everything together as a family. grocery shopping on friday nights after dad got home from work, family vacations, together to the park, circus, carnival, bike rides, etc. VERY RARELY did we go seperately. and i want this for US.
-i realize that having a child around is 'new' to her, but come on....this is over 2 yrs now. maybe im not seeing her side....she usually appears uncomfortable when with my son for extended periods.
-i think she wants to work on things with me, and would like us to work out....but i dont think she sees the responsibility i have to my child.
-i also dont think see has the same Family views that i have.

so, what to do.
we have a home and 1 credit card bill together.
although she isnt always there for my child, my child asks about her and enjoys seeing her. i dont know what will become of leaving in his eyes.

what to do? how to do? when to do?
thanks for letting me vent here.