SxyPrincess
New Member
> >CHILI COOK-OFFS
> >NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
> >attention to the
> >
> >first two judges, the reaction of the third is even
> >better. For those of
> >
> >you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true
> >this is!
> >
> >They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the
> >rodeo comes to
> >
> >town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot
> >at the Astrodome! You
> >
> >will likely want to read this behind closed doors
> >because, if you are like
> >
> >me, you will be howling out loud.
> >
> >INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
> >
> >Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK,
> >who was visiting
> >
> >Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to
> >be selected as a
> >
> >judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
> >in sick at the last
> >
> >moment and I happened to be standing there at the
> >judge's table asking
> >
> >directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I
> >was assured by the
> >
> >other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> >wouldn't be all that
> >
> >spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
> >beer during the
> >
> >tasting, so I accepted."
> >
> >Here are the scorecards from the event:
> >
> >__________________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >
> >FRANK: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
> >could remove dried paint
> >
> >from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> >flames out. I hope that's
> >
> >the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> >__________________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight
> >Jalapeno tang.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
> >be taken seriously.
> >
> >FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not
> >sure what I am
> >
> >supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
> >people who wanted to
> >
> >give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
> >more beer when they saw
> >
> >the look on my face.
> >
> >__________________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
> >Needs more beans.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
> >peppers.
> >
> >FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
> >nose feels like I
> >
> >have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
> >by now get me more
> >
> >beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
> >now my backbone is
> >
> >in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced
> >from all the beer.
> >
> >________________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> >Disappointing.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
> >dish for fish or
> >
> >other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >
> >FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
> >was unable to taste
> >
> >it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
> >barmaid, was standing
> >
> >behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is
> >starting to look HOT
> >
> >just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
> >aphrodisiac?
> >
> >_______________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> >freshly ground, adding
> >
> >considerable kick. Very Impressive.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more
> >tomato. Must admit
> >
> >the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> >FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> >forehead and I can no
> >
> >longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
> >me needed
> >
> >paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
> >her that her chili
> >
> >had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from
> >bleeding by pouring
> >
> >beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm
> >burning my lips off?
> >
> >It really me off that the other judges asked me to
> >stop screaming. Screw
> >
> >those rednecks!
> >
> >________________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> >Good balance of spice
> >
> >and peppers.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> >onions, and garlic.
> >
> >Superb.
> >
> >FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
> >with gaseous, sulfuric
> >
> >flames. I crap myself when I farted and I'm worried it
> >will eat through
> >
> >the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> >except Sally.
> >
> >Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with
> >a snow cone!
> >
> >___________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
> >canned peppers.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> >threw in a can of chili
> >
> >peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I
> >am worried about
> >
> >Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress
> >as he is cursing
> >
> >uncontrollably.
> >
> >FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
> >pin, and I wouldn't
> >
> >feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
> >world sounds like
> >
> >it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> >chili, which slid
> >
> >unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> >lava-like crap to match my
> >
> >damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
> >what killed me. I've
> >
> >decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
> >I'm not getting any
> >
> >oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> >through the 4-inch hole
> >
> >in my stomach.
> >NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
> >attention to the
> >
> >first two judges, the reaction of the third is even
> >better. For those of
> >
> >you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true
> >this is!
> >
> >They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the
> >rodeo comes to
> >
> >town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot
> >at the Astrodome! You
> >
> >will likely want to read this behind closed doors
> >because, if you are like
> >
> >me, you will be howling out loud.
> >
> >INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
> >
> >Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK,
> >who was visiting
> >
> >Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to
> >be selected as a
> >
> >judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
> >in sick at the last
> >
> >moment and I happened to be standing there at the
> >judge's table asking
> >
> >directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I
> >was assured by the
> >
> >other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> >wouldn't be all that
> >
> >spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
> >beer during the
> >
> >tasting, so I accepted."
> >
> >Here are the scorecards from the event:
> >
> >__________________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >
> >FRANK: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
> >could remove dried paint
> >
> >from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> >flames out. I hope that's
> >
> >the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> >__________________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight
> >Jalapeno tang.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
> >be taken seriously.
> >
> >FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not
> >sure what I am
> >
> >supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
> >people who wanted to
> >
> >give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
> >more beer when they saw
> >
> >the look on my face.
> >
> >__________________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
> >Needs more beans.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
> >peppers.
> >
> >FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
> >nose feels like I
> >
> >have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
> >by now get me more
> >
> >beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
> >now my backbone is
> >
> >in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced
> >from all the beer.
> >
> >________________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> >Disappointing.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
> >dish for fish or
> >
> >other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >
> >FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
> >was unable to taste
> >
> >it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
> >barmaid, was standing
> >
> >behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is
> >starting to look HOT
> >
> >just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
> >aphrodisiac?
> >
> >_______________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> >freshly ground, adding
> >
> >considerable kick. Very Impressive.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more
> >tomato. Must admit
> >
> >the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> >FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> >forehead and I can no
> >
> >longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
> >me needed
> >
> >paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
> >her that her chili
> >
> >had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from
> >bleeding by pouring
> >
> >beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm
> >burning my lips off?
> >
> >It really me off that the other judges asked me to
> >stop screaming. Screw
> >
> >those rednecks!
> >
> >________________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> >Good balance of spice
> >
> >and peppers.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> >onions, and garlic.
> >
> >Superb.
> >
> >FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
> >with gaseous, sulfuric
> >
> >flames. I crap myself when I farted and I'm worried it
> >will eat through
> >
> >the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> >except Sally.
> >
> >Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with
> >a snow cone!
> >
> >___________________________________________________
> >
> >CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
> >canned peppers.
> >
> >JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> >threw in a can of chili
> >
> >peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I
> >am worried about
> >
> >Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress
> >as he is cursing
> >
> >uncontrollably.
> >
> >FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
> >pin, and I wouldn't
> >
> >feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
> >world sounds like
> >
> >it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> >chili, which slid
> >
> >unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> >lava-like crap to match my
> >
> >damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
> >what killed me. I've
> >
> >decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
> >I'm not getting any
> >
> >oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> >through the 4-inch hole
> >
> >in my stomach.
