Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a
bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling
fresh.
Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never
possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating
woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling
fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but
go ahead. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the
chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first
responders will be females who just ovulated. This advice was some brain
function of a male..right???
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what,
the only activity that interests me is eating...and oh...does ripping
someone's head off count as a friggin activity?????
Look , females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine
hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like
that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted
their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol.
Printing out #### advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that
was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and
is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like
to forget that we even need these products.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley
faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the
packaging. Put the #### in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in
our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package
announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya
just add an instore microphone to the damn package & announce
that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley
faces that need to be smacked hard, and shove them right up your ass.
Ovarily Yours,
Cramped and Pissed off!
Spread em for me when you can.... 
