5 year old blues

Just wanted to get some help and suggestions with my 5 year old that fights and talks back. I am currently going through a divorce & have been separated for over a year. My ex moved to another state way down south with a new family and wants nothing to do with his son. So that leaves me raising him on my own.
My 5 year old is to young to understand what is going on and has a big anger issue. I have put him in counseling and that helped for a short time. When I ask him to do something he will look me in the eye and say no.
For example yesterday when we got home from church I told him to go upstairs and take his shoes off and put them in his closest and to change his clothes. He told me NO! I gave him a warning and he still said NO so he sat in his room for a while. I told him when he put his shoes away and changed his clothes that he could come down. Well after about 15mins he came down and said he was sorry. So I had a talk with him about his behavior and explained why it wasn't nice to talk to mommy like that. Well wouldn't you know about an hr later he was back at it again. Asked him to do something and it was the samething. So I put him in his room again. Sometimes when things get really heated and he is so angry he will grab me by my throat and squeeze with all his might. (Not that it hurts me but I can't let things continue like this.)
I DO NOT talk bad about his father in front of him. I try not to talk about it at all because he just doesn't understand. But when I do I still don't talk bad about what he did. And I also tell him that it is not his fault for what has happen.
He yurns for a males attention so much. My guy friend that I have been dating for about 3 months, when my youngest sees him its, "M you know what or M this or M that." My friend handles him very well and understands what he is going through. I understand to but it is just putting a strain on me because my patients are wearing thin.
I have done just about everything from rewarding him for his good behavior to taking things away for the bad behavior. It is starting to bother my oldest with the youngest behavior.
Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Tell him firmly that his behavior is unacceptable, and start taking things away. If he is already angry, I don't know if an old-fashioned spanking would work or not. Let him earn his toys and other things back a little at a time when his behavior improves.

Are you so slack jawed that you can’t see that your son is devastated at the lose of his father? The man he looked up to, cherished and loved with unquestionable devotion just disappeared and he has no idea why.

On top of it all, you feel that he’s too young to understand and explain things to.

Perhaps the father should have taken his son too because you don’t seem to be able to comprehend that your son is hurt and needs more love now than any other time in his life.

redneck_woman said:

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

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First of all, don't bring your dates home to meet the kids. Your youngest has suffered an enormous loss and you're right - he doesn't understand why his father abandoned him. So he'll get attached to your beau, then you all break up and the child has suffered another loss. This will mess with his head more effectively than anything else you can do.

Second, if you spank that child, I'm coming down there to kick your ass. He needs extreme love and patience right now, not punishment. He is angry and hurt, wounded in a way that you cannot fathom. To you, your ex was just a husband. To your son, it was his world. How would you feel if your own father abandoned you and wouldn't have anything to do with you? Now multiply that by 6 million and that's how a 5 year old feels. He is helpless and out of control.

If you can take a step back and not see a defiant hellion, but instead see a wounded child, that might help change your perspective and reaction. Then you can find some compassion in your heart to deal with his behavior appropriately instead of getting frustrated and angry.

The first thing that jumps out at me here is this:
If you have only been dating someone for 3 months, it is too soon to be bringing him home.... You dont know him...

And it doesn't take long for a 5 year old to bond, how is he gonna feel when this one vanishes?

mainman said:

The first thing that jumps out at me here is this:
If you have only been dating someone for 3 months, it is too soon to be bringing him home.... You dont know him...

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Are you saying I shouldn't have brought day home to meet my 6 babies after our first date?

Chasey_Lane said:

Are you saying I shouldn't have brought day home to meet my 6 babies after our first date?

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We expect that sort of stuff out of you... :desperatlyseekingabebedaddy:

I completely understand how he feels and what he is going through. I don't spank him either. He is grieveing right now and have done everything I can to comfort him. As soon as I get close he pushes me away. I comfort him and tell him that mommy is not going anywhere that I will always be there for him. He is my sunshine in the morning and my moonlight at night. That both him and his brother are my angels. I have an oldest that I am dealing with also through all this. I divide my time up with both of them every evening. I have gone to the point of laying in the bed with my youngest until he falls asleep. I know that is a bad thing to do but I feel I have to do it so he can feel some type of comfort. During the week we have games night, movie night, and on Friday's we go out and do something together. As far as the friend that I have in my life the kids don't see him on a routine basics. Maybe once or twice a month and when they do there is KNOW affection between the 2 of us shown. If he does come over it is after the children have gone to bed and not once has he stayed the night. I don't involve my children in my dating life. Its just when he does see him or any other male for that matter he is just a different kid.

redneck_woman said:

I completely understand how he feels and what he is going through. I don't spank him either. He is grieveing right now and have done everything I can to comfort him. As soon as I get close he pushes me away. I comfort him and tell him that mommy is not going anywhere that I will always be there for him. He is my sunshine in the morning and my moonlight at night. That both him and his brother are my angels.

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Has the thought that you child blames YOU ever crossed your mind??


SEE COUNSELING FOR ALL THREE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!

rack'm said:

Has the thought that you child blames YOU ever crossed your mind??


SEE COUNSELING FOR ALL THREE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!

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I would think so. I am the only one there for him. So why wouldn't he think that and take it out on me?

redneck_woman said:

He is grieveing right now and have done everything I can to comfort him.

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You cannot "comfort" him. It's a part of his life that his father left him and it will never go away. As he matures, he'll learn to deal with it emotionally, but you can't expect a 5 year old to process something like that.

You said:

I try not to talk about it at all because he just doesn't understand.

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The child IS trying to talk about it and communicate his feelings to you - you're just not getting it. It's up to you, the adult, to help him communicate in a more productive fashion. Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.

This does not mean trash his father. It means talk about how sad you all are that Daddy is no longer a part of your lives and how much you miss him. How disappointed you are that Daddy doesn't call or see him anymore. Open the door, then let him talk about it as much as he wants. He doesn't know what to do with his hurt and anger, and it's up to you to teach him.

redneck_woman said:

So why wouldn't he think that and take it out on me?

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Because he's only 5 and doesn't have a rational thought process.

Thanks for the advise.

redneck_woman said:

Thanks for the advise.

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Well, good luck because it's not going to be easy.

redneck_woman said:

Sometimes when things get really heated and he is so angry he will grab me by my throat and squeeze with all his might. (Not that it hurts me but I can't let things continue like this.)

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This is something you have to stop immediately. It doesn't matter whether it hurts or not, he shouldn't be allowed to do this at all.

Vince said:

This is something you have to stop immediately. It doesn't matter whether it hurts or not, he shouldn't be allowed to do this at all.

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I don't allow him to do it and when he does do it he gets punished for it. Either a toy taken away, a time out or time in his bedroom to think about what he did. There are know toys in his room either so he can't play with anything. I have a separate toy room for that.

redneck_woman said:

I don't allow him to do it and when he does do it he gets punished for it. Either a toy taken away, a time out or time in his bedroom to think about what he did. There are know toys in his room either so he can't play with anything. I have a separate toy room for that.

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I believe it's true that children act out on or towards those they feel they can trust. He knows no matter how he acts out towards you, you will still be there for him. He needs to vent somewhere, who better then you.
You do need to talk to him about it even if you think he doesn't understand, he understands enough that he is hurt by the situation. Good luck!!

SouthernMdRocks said:

I believe it's true that children act out on or towards those they feel they can trust. He knows no matter how he acts out towards you, you will still be there for him. He needs to vent somewhere, who better then you.
You do need to talk to him about it even if you think he doesn't understand, he understands enough that he is hurt by the situation. Good luck!!

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That is why his punishment is simple and not to extreme. I have to keep my guard up with him. I do feel sorry for him but if he knows that I do then he will use that against me. I do talk to him about it but he always changes the subject. So that is why I don't bring it up to him much. When he is ready to talk then he will come to me. Me nagging him about it all the time is not going to help. I just can't play into his hand.

LOL you guys are hilarious with some of your stuff. I understand little dude is upset and probably doesnt know how to convey it but In no way shape or form should a childs anger ever be physical. You dont need therapy for that he may need a spanking in that case. A child needs to respect their parents. Its hard and you have to walk that line in these circumstances but you definately need to be strong.

Therapy is definately a good recommendation people here have offered.

FastCarsSpeed said:

LOL you guys are hilarious with some of your stuff. I understand little dude is upset and probably doesnt know how to convey it but In no way shape or form should a childs anger ever be physical. You dont need therapy for that he may need a spanking in that case. A child needs to respect their parents. Its hard and you have to walk that line in these circumstances but you definately need to be strong.

Therapy is definately a good recommendation people here have offered.

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Oh I will never through the towel in. That would mean his father would win. I am not about to let this child turn out like his father. Heck NO!!