Ex relationships

romance · Jun 5, 2002

Ok as must of you know I am divorced...

Heres what Im having a problem with. My ex tells me maybe 2 weeks ago he wanted the girls this past weekend. The time comes to get them and he says his gfs father was in teh hospital and since he has no DL to come without he cant get the kids. He tells me tonight he wants the kids this weekend. As to my court order he gets the kids every other weekend for 1 week at a time. There is no set date he has to get them. He lives in NC so they ahve it wrote as when work allows.

I try to explain to him that Im sick of how he is with them. Such as not being there to get them when he says, he calls CPS on me cause he dont like paying the money, he dont call, he dont write, Its like he dont care. Everytime I tell him (god help me for this one) he tried to smooth talk me into rolling over for him.

Like tonight when we were discussing him not being there when he says he will... He tells me Oh Crystal you just dont understand how hard it is for me. I have no DL to get there. (hes got the DUI his fault noone elses) Then he says We should just put all this nonsense behind us and start fresh. (we tried that once and it got ummm 2 weeks into it and it was blown all to ___ He wouldnt bring the kids home so Jaime and I had to go get them after 2 weeks and wanted to keep them another week!)

How can I get throughto him that this is not accpetable for him to be doing? I try talking. I dont want to fight cause its harder on the kids but do I have to beat it into him???

missi1013 · Jun 5, 2002

Take him back to court or have the lawyers sit down and have a set time and date schedule. He's taking advantage of you!! And if he doesn't have a DL because of a DUI, he shouldn't have the anyways! The courts won't let him have them because of that anyways. Not paying child support, have the state take it out of his paycheck. You can talk until your blue in the face, but obviously he doesn't want to take responsibility. I don't know him, so I hate to say that about a person. (no hard feelings)! But my friend has been there, done that, and I helped her!

romance · Jun 5, 2002

Dont feel bad over what you said

He is a total a$$. Jaime has had it with him too. We have some arguements over him but not much.

My ex acts like he is god. He thinks I should bow down before him. How do you do the DUI no DL no see the kids thing? Also he does pay child support but only cause it is taken out directly by the state of WV

missi1013 · Jun 5, 2002

If you can show him an unfit father (DUI and no DL), then the state will grant you soul custidy, and him just visitations. You can have the visitations supervised. I'm sorry but if my ex got a DUI, I won't trust him with my kids!!! There had to be more than just a DUI, was there? There's a couple places that you can go to and get back ground checks on a person. I had to do it with my ex when my husbend adopted my son. It cost us like $30(?). That will give you his driving record and anything wrong he has done. If you wanted to play dirty you could. I was ready to do it, but I didn't have to!

romance · Jun 5, 2002

I have primary custody of my kids. He only has visitation rights to them. The judge knew that he had a DUI but still never said anything. I have been thinking of getting a lawyer to see what I can do. I am going to talk to him when he gets the kids about signing them over. I think it may be best for them

missi1013 · Jun 5, 2002

I agree, if you can get him to sign them over, that would be the best! How do the kids feel about him? Are they close?

romance · Jun 5, 2002

They love him but to say they are close to him . NO He is there when he wants and thats it. Pretty much when he wants to impress some. Like this weekend he is taking them camping. The guy and his family that are taking him happens to be his boss.

missi1013 · Jun 5, 2002

I see trying to play the "family man" in front of the boss!! If he does sign them over the kids can still see him, but YOU will have the control this time. Of course that's only if you want the kids to see him and if he wants to see them. It's hard, I know! Mine turned out easy, but I have had friends that had to fight! Well going to bed, talk to ya tomorrow! If you need me, just e-mail me. My e-mail is on my profile! Have a good night!

romance · Jun 5, 2002

If I had my way he would not see them at all . I wouldnt do it out of spite but only cause he doesnt do things with them. He doesnt pay attention to them. They complain all the time that it is his gf taking care of them not him.

I would like to be able to make him understand these things without fighting. I mean when we fight it mkaes the girls so nervous. But after the way our life was with him its no wonder

How could I at least maybe get him to relaize he hurts them??

Ken King · Jun 5, 2002

Romance,

Based on what you have provided in your posts you are on the court order as the custodial parent, your ex is entitled to specified visitation (every other weekend for 1 week), and he pays a certain amount in child support. Is there anything about you transporting the children to him or does it leave it open? If it is open then the assumption is that your ex will need to make the transportation arrangements. As he currently does not have a driver’s license it seems he can’t come and get the kids which in essence is contrary to the court order which should give you justification for a modification of that order. If you have resided in Maryland for longer then 6 months it is a no-brainer. Get a lawyer and go to court to get it modified. If you have been here less than 6 months you need to consult a lawyer as to your options.

Any decent lawyer should be able to argue that his activity (getting the DUI and loosing his driver’s permit) could be reasonable concern or fear that harm might happen to the children while in his custody. That would be enough for the court to order supervised visitation only. Again, get a lawyer and don’t wait for him to show up to take the kids out of the area where you don’t know if he is driving around with them in an impaired state.

Bottom line, get a lawyer.

romance · Jun 5, 2002

Thank you for the advice

I would like to do all that needs by talking to him but it does not seem to work. He seems as if he doesnt care what concerns there is. I was told by a lawyer recently to write a letter of my concerns, mail it him and have a copy filed with the circuit clerk in our case booklet so it is on record. I have done that. He says though that he has never recieved it. I am going to mail it out where I get a reciept that says it is delivered and is signed for. I would like to do this without a fight. I dont want the kids to be hurt by the fact that we cant communicate. Which he and I cant. I give up trying and he just wont listen.

Ken King · Jun 5, 2002

In any mail correspondence to him always send it "return receipt requested". It might cost a few bucks more but when you get that receipt there is no arguing with it. If it is returned as “undeliverable” (usually when they won’t sign for an item they know they don’t want) you now have evidence that he has changed residence without properly notifying you. Another feather for a future court date. Judges don’t like deceitful parents if he in fact hasn’t moved but was just avoiding communicating with you.

You could always hand it to him in front of his boss when they come to pick up the kids, have a witness observe that you in fact handed it to him and that will fly also.

It is admirable that you are trying to work it out directly with him but at some point you have to quit beating your head against the brick wall. After all, it is in the best interest of the children to have some stability in their lives and his compliance with the conditions of the custody agreement is meant to do that. Let him know that his inconsistency in making his scheduled visitations is impacting the children adversely and you won’t tolerate it any longer. I went though something very similar with my ex-wife and I finally told her if she couldn’t get the kids as scheduled she couldn’t have them at all. She got tired of that and quit getting them after a while.

romance · Jun 5, 2002

Was your children hurt by not seeing their mother? I would love for him not to ahve anythign to do with them but how hurt would my kids be in the long run?

Ken King · Jun 6, 2002

It hurt them more when she said she would be there and didn't show. I remember many a weekend with them sitting and waiting for her and she was a no-show without even a call explaining why she didn't make it. After a while they would say to her that they would believe it when she showed up and they wouldn't get their hopes up. I suspect my kids were older then yours (they were 12 and 9 when I was awarded custody) and it wasn't long until they realized that she didn't care as much as she claimed and they finally refused to go with her even when she did show up.

Let me note that when she had temporary custody (prior to our final divorce) I picked them up for every one of my scheduled visits and planned those weekends around the kids. I lived for those moments.

I think your kids would eventually understand how it was him, and not them or you, that caused you to remove him from their lives.

missi1013 · Jun 6, 2002

I agree with Ken and bchbns! Girl you know what you have to do now!

romance · Jun 6, 2002

I have called a lawyer before maybe I can find one who can sit down with him and I and discuss this.

What do you all think about going into counceling if he says he does want the kids and his visitation?

Ken King · Jun 6, 2002

Romance,

You seriously still want to be a part of HIS life or do you want to be done with him? Think carefully because this can impact others you love now. If it was bad before I suspect it will only get worse by attempting counseling. I think you need a structured visitation plan with specific and firm days for his visitation.

I understand that you want the children to have the ability to be with their natural father, but based on what you have said about how he rarely meets his visitation and how his new woman watches the kids while he does whatever he does indicates that it isn’t that important to him. I think he is using the kids to keep your emotions at a peak thereby giving him some control over your life.

Be done with him girl and give your “Brussel” Sprout the devotion and love that a woman dealing with only one man can. Life will be easier for you in the long run.

RFM · Jun 6, 2002

Things like this make me really sad.

My sole purpose on this earth is for my two daughters.

I consider myself to be very fortunate that I have joint custody and cherish every momment I spend with them.

Truely I hope everything works out best for you and the children.

missi1013 · Jun 6, 2002

I think men and counceling don't go well. Counceling is only going to work if HE wants it to work!!

romance · Jun 6, 2002

Its not that I have any feelings for him. I mean I do but not good ones lol Theres times I wish I could string him up from ____ I had my parents both of them under one roof. Not saying that it was perfect cause it wasnt by far, but I at least wish my kids could have some sort of stabilty with their biological dad. Jaime and I do good at giving them love and attention and even stabilty. I want to try for whats best for my kids. Would that be keeping their dad in their lives even though he dont care? Or having them watch a possinle long battle over them?

I get so ughhhhh about it anymore. I want to do whats right but I dont want them to hate me. I want to be rd of my ex completely. I wish he would rawl in a hole somewhere and never come back. He does this to my babies and I think "how" They are as much a part of him as they are me. Even though they are not Jaimes by blood he still has the decency to do what he tells them. The ex will say 'oh daddy will come get you next weekend and the time comes and he wont call or anything. This time I had to call him. We were supposed to meet at Kings Dominion and I waited till 1130 then called. He hadnt even left the house and then hadnt even bothered to call and say hey im not coming!

If they do hate me, will they forever if I get him out of their lives? They were so much happier and better off before the visitation stated. (we went 2 with only seeing him 6 times)

Ex relationships

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