So, I had finally gotten up the nerve to start talking to someone-the first someone since my husband died- and I think I really screwed it up last night.

We finally met over the weekend, had a great time, went to church together, explored near his area, and laughed a lot. He called me three times on the way home to see how my trip was progressing. And he said he would come visit this weekend maybe. Now Sunday, I didn't really talk to him, although I wanted to. I knew he had to work, and he was not feeling well. Monday, I called to see how he was feeling and he was miserable. Yesterday, I called mid day, and he was still feeling bad. Last night, I had a really bad night. I decided there was a lot of stress building up to what would have been my wedding anniversary, and it seemed like there were reminders everywhere. And after work, I went home and started drinking. I don't usually drink alone because it scares me. Anyway, I was really lonely and started calling friends. Noone was home or answered cells or homes. So I called him. I don't think I said anything too horrible to him, and I told him I really didn't want to call him and lay this on his shoulders, (even though he has done the same to me), but I was really upset on the phone. He told me a couple of jokes, and we laughed some. He also said that maybe I wasn't ready to date someone, that there was still a lot I had to go through, but that he wasn't rejecting me. The one thing I do remember telling him is the truth, that I wanted to hug him while we were out the other night, but was afraid to cross a line (we said we were starting as friends and see where things go). His comment was that I had set the boundaries, and it was up to me. He told me to call back in an hour. I did, and we talked for a couple of minutes and he said he was waiting for a call from his kids, and to send him a message this morning letting him know I was ok. I did, along with a couple of other emails, and haven't heard anything all day.

I am so confused and don't know what to do. Do I call him, or did I really screw up?

Call him.

So, I had finally gotten up the nerve to start talking to someone-the first someone since my husband died- and I think I really screwed it up last night.

We finally met over the weekend, had a great time, went to church together, explored near his area, and laughed a lot. He called me three times on the way home to see how my trip was progressing. And he said he would come visit this weekend maybe. Now Sunday, I didn't really talk to him, although I wanted to. I knew he had to work, and he was not feeling well. Monday, I called to see how he was feeling and he was miserable. Yesterday, I called mid day, and he was still feeling bad. Last night, I had a really bad night. I decided there was a lot of stress building up to what would have been my wedding anniversary, and it seemed like there were reminders everywhere. And after work, I went home and started drinking. I don't usually drink alone because it scares me. Anyway, I was really lonely and started calling friends. Noone was home or answered cells or homes. So I called him. I don't think I said anything too horrible to him, and I told him I really didn't want to call him and lay this on his shoulders, (even though he has done the same to me), but I was really upset on the phone. He told me a couple of jokes, and we laughed some. He also said that maybe I wasn't ready to date someone, that there was still a lot I had to go through, but that he wasn't rejecting me. The one thing I do remember telling him is the truth, that I wanted to hug him while we were out the other night, but was afraid to cross a line (we said we were starting as friends and see where things go). His comment was that I had set the boundaries, and it was up to me. He told me to call back in an hour. I did, and we talked for a couple of minutes and he said he was waiting for a call from his kids, and to send him a message this morning letting him know I was ok. I did, along with a couple of other emails, and haven't heard anything all day.

I am so confused and don't know what to do. Do I call him, or did I really screw up?

Drunk dialing :jameo: I hate when people do that. Don't call anymore, the ball is now in his court to call you since you already sent several emails today.

Drunk dialing :jameo: I hate when people do that. Don't call anymore, the ball is now in his court to call you since you already sent several emails today.

e-mails are overrated...:shrug:

One of the emails was the one he requested and the other was an update on a friend that we had both been praying for.

So, I had finally gotten up the nerve to start talking to someone-the first someone since my husband died- and I think I really screwed it up last night.

We finally met over the weekend, had a great time, went to church together, explored near his area, and laughed a lot. He called me three times on the way home to see how my trip was progressing. And he said he would come visit this weekend maybe. Now Sunday, I didn't really talk to him, although I wanted to. I knew he had to work, and he was not feeling well. Monday, I called to see how he was feeling and he was miserable. Yesterday, I called mid day, and he was still feeling bad. Last night, I had a really bad night. I decided there was a lot of stress building up to what would have been my wedding anniversary, and it seemed like there were reminders everywhere. And after work, I went home and started drinking. I don't usually drink alone because it scares me. Anyway, I was really lonely and started calling friends. Noone was home or answered cells or homes. So I called him. I don't think I said anything too horrible to him, and I told him I really didn't want to call him and lay this on his shoulders, (even though he has done the same to me), but I was really upset on the phone. He told me a couple of jokes, and we laughed some. He also said that maybe I wasn't ready to date someone, that there was still a lot I had to go through, but that he wasn't rejecting me. The one thing I do remember telling him is the truth, that I wanted to hug him while we were out the other night, but was afraid to cross a line (we said we were starting as friends and see where things go). His comment was that I had set the boundaries, and it was up to me. He told me to call back in an hour. I did, and we talked for a couple of minutes and he said he was waiting for a call from his kids, and to send him a message this morning letting him know I was ok. I did, along with a couple of other emails, and haven't heard anything all day.

I am so confused and don't know what to do. Do I call him, or did I really screw up?


No you didnt screw up :huggy:

Do I call him, or did I really screw up?

Call him and thank him for being supportive while you were having your meltdown. He sounds like a nice guy. :yay:

You've done enough already...anything more might cause him to think you're a stalker. May I suggest a good therapist for dealing with your husband's death and not someone you've just met? Give a relationship time for those type of discussions. Good luck hon...

e-mails are overrated...:shrug:

I agree, however according to her post, his request was to send a message in the morning letting him know she was ok. He has also been sick and may not want to be bothered by someone drunk dialing or even making small talk. I still say give him a chance to reply.

Rule number one.... NEVER talk about painful old relationships.

Drunk dialing :jameo: I hate when people do that. Don't call anymore, the ball is now in his court to call you since you already sent several emails today.

:yeahthat: He is probably trying to see if he has you wrapped around his finger... dont play into that. Let him be the next one to initiate contact :yay:

:yeahthat: He is probably trying to see if he has you wrapped around his finger... dont play into that. Let him be the next one to initiate contact :yay:

:rolleyes:

You know us men want US wrapped around their finger.

Good for the ego.

:rolleyes:

You know us men want US wrapped around their finger.

Good for the ego.

:confused: could you repeat that in english please TYIA

You've done enough already...anything more might cause him to think you're a stalker. May I suggest a good therapist for dealing with your husband's death and not someone you've just met? Give a relationship time for those type of discussions. Good luck hon...

I tried that for awhile. It's been over a year and a half. This was the first time I even thought about talking to someone. And he has talked lots about pain in his past, I have tried avoiding talking about mine, except for the basics.(death after sickness)

Thanks.

I tried that for awhile. It's been over a year and a half. This was the first time I even thought about talking to someone. And he has talked lots about pain in his past, I have tried avoiding talking about mine, except for the basics.(death after sickness)

Personally, I don't dig the games some of the other posters are encouraging.

If you act like you're completely over the death of your husband, it looks callous. I mean, don't make it the focus of your relationship and talk about it constantly, but it's honest and natural to still have feelings about your husband and his death. And you don't want any guy who wouldn't be sympathetic to that and understand.

I think if you want to call him, call him. If he freaks and gives you the brush, it wasn't meant to be and better luck next time.

:shrug:

Thanks.

Check your krama :huggy:

Call him and thank him for being supportive while you were having your meltdown. He sounds like a nice guy. :yay:

After I finish a good drunk and sober up the next day I alway call back and appoligize for drunk dialing:otter:

Rule number one.... NEVER talk about painful old relationships.

I tend to agree with that. When he said 'maybe you weren't ready', it sounds to me like he was really saying, 'you've got baggage. I want a relationship without baggage.'

I want a relationship without baggage.'

Well, I hope he has good luck with that. There is no such thing as a relationship without baggage - everyone comes from somewhere.

Well, I hope he has good luck with that. There is no such thing as a relationship without baggage - everyone comes from somewhere.

Yeah, not agreeing, disagreeing, justifying or anything else. It's just what popped out at me from between the lines.

I tried that for awhile. It's been over a year and a half. This was the first time I even thought about talking to someone. And he has talked lots about pain in his past, I have tried avoiding talking about mine, except for the basics.(death after sickness)

...my reaction to this is that it ain't a good sign, to me, that you barely know this person and he's pouring out his pain to you, talked 'lot's about his pain'?

I mean, you're all worried about how he's reacting to you, right? If I read you correctly, he's pouring out more than you and that, to me, is at least odd.

:confused: could you repeat that in english please TYIA

:blushing:


:lmao:

I mean that us guys like to be wrapped around our women's finger.

Helps our fragile egos.

It is good to have friends you can talk to about things. This guy does sound like a nice man. I don't know what sort of things he is telling you about but it sounds like he might have some personal isues too. How long has it been since you lost your husband? I'm sure it takes awhile to get over a huge loss like that and Vrai is right - it would be unnatural to never talk about somebody who had such a big part in your life. IMO it would be okay to call him - just don't drink first!

Call him and thank him for being supportive while you were having your meltdown. He sounds like a nice guy. :yay:

:yeahthat:


Knowing that your husband passed away, he knows that there will always be reminders.

:yeahthat:


Knowing that your husband passed away, he knows that there will always be reminders.

...so the last thing he should be doing is whining about his own hurts. Where does that leave her? "Oh, there, there you poor thing..."

It is good to have friends you can talk to about things. This guy does sound like a nice man. I don't know what sort of things he is telling you about but it sounds like he might have some personal isues too. How long has it been since you lost your husband? I'm sure it takes awhile to get over a huge loss like that and Vrai is right - it would be unnatural to never talk about somebody who had such a big part in your life. IMO it would be okay to call him - just don't drink first!

It has been about 20 months. And in two weeks, it would have been our anniversary

They, the memories and emotions, sometimes hit hard and fast, and I am not always prepared. I really tried to call members of my circle of friends who have supported me through all, and noone was available.

Well, I hope he has good luck with that. There is no such thing as a relationship without baggage - everyone comes from somewhere.
I don't have baggage. :shrug:

...so the last thing he should be doing is whining about his own hurts. Where does that leave her? "Oh, there, there you poor thing..."

One of my closest friends says that the older she gets, the more she realizes that all of us have pain, and that the situations may be different but the pain is the same, and I was looking at it as we were comparing situations. He still has family, we never had children. It didn't bother me that he talked about his past.

One of my closest friends says that the older she gets, the more she realizes that all of us have pain, and that the situations may be different but the pain is the same, and I was looking at it as we were comparing situations. He still has family, we never had children. It didn't bother me that he talked about his past.
Call him. Tell him you had reservations about calling and ask him his opinion. It's nice to have someone to talk to.

Call him. Tell him you had reservations about calling and ask him his opinion. It's nice to have someone to talk to.

:huggy:

:huggy:
Dude, please. :nono:

Call him. Tell him you had reservations about calling and ask him his opinion. It's nice to have someone to talk to.

I am thinking that is what I should do.

That has been the hardest part of all of this. My husband and I talked over everything. We didn't make a move without talking with each other. It drove people crazy. But that's the way we made things work. And miss him.

I am thinking that is what I should do.

That has been the hardest part of all of this. My husband and I talked over everything. We didn't make a move without talking with each other. It drove people crazy. But that's the way we made things work. And miss him.
Of course. Your husband was also your best friend.

This guy sounds like a good egg. Call em up and tell him what's on your mind. He has a sense of humor so tell him you even resorted to asking the opinion of a bunch of loons on here. Have a laugh with him. Ask how he's feeling too. Conversation will flow....

call him, and after apologizing about your bad judgement in calling before while intoxicated, suggest doing something fun that YOU know won't dredge up memories of you and your husband. You know, something that is different from your previous life. Just a suggestion. Life is too short to let it slip by with "what ifs" hanging over us. JMHO

Dude, please. :nono:

:killingme

man hug only

:shrug:

He always makes me laugh, even when I was crying last night. He tells Minnesota jokes that are really funny. He doesn't get SOMD jokes though. He hasn't been down here yet.

I don't have baggage. :shrug:
You finally rented that warehouse? :confused:

Good on ya! :yay:

It has been about 20 months. And in two weeks, it would have been our anniversary

Have you thought about therapy? My best friend lost her husband in a tragic accident about 17 years ago. She has since remarried but still talks about her deceased husband. She says it's something you never get over, never forget, but you learn to move on and make a life for yourself.

You drank too much, happens to most of us. Call him, be honest. Heck, that's all you can be. You're in uncharted waters and you are going to have good days, bad days, and there will be constant reminders of your husband. First and foremost, you are going to need somebody secure in themselves and somebody who can understand your pain.

Good luck to you.

He always makes me laugh, even when I was crying last night. He tells Minnesota jokes that are really funny. He doesn't get SOMD jokes though. He hasn't been down here yet.Tell him you know what he means about Minnesota cuz Mainman is from there. :biggrin:

Have you thought about therapy? My best friend lost her husband in a tragic accident about 17 years ago. She has since remarried but still talks about her deceased husband. She says it's something you never get over, never forget, but you learn to move on and make a life for yourself.

You drank too much, happens to most of us. Call him, be honest. Heck, that's all you can be. You're in uncharted waters and you are going to have good days, bad days, and there will be constant reminders of your husband. First and foremost, you are going to need somebody secure in themselves and somebody who can understand your pain.

Good luck to you.

I did talk to my doctor when everything first went down. He was useless. I spent time talking to my minister and several friends who are counselors, and that helped some. A friend who had recently been through something similar suggested not going to the grief groups at STH because they were hookup places.

Well, I hope he has good luck with that. There is no such thing as a relationship without baggage - everyone comes from somewhere.

True statement but baggage belongs in your pocket. It's your duty to control and hide that mess... Best you can. No one is sticking around with somone who wears baggage on their sleeve.

I'm not playing games, I'm calling a spade a spade.

That's why I didn't talk alot about my husband. I didn't want to scare someone off. When I was in high school and college, I told everyone everything. I held nothing back. I was trying to be more reserved, and not scare him. Divorce is normal Death at 42 is not normal. People are shocked by it.

That's why I didn't talk alot about my husband. I didn't want to scare someone off. When I was in high school and college, I told everyone everything. I held nothing back. I was trying to be more reserved, and not scare him. Divorce is normal Death at 42 is not normal. People are shocked by it.

I can't even imagine your pain. :huggy:

I can't even imagine your pain. :huggy:

It was pretty awful, but what keeps me going is that even when my husband was sick, he always had a smile on his face, and was always taking care of everyone else. He was the one everyone depended on. And he always wanted me to smile and be happy. He would not want me to be sad. He would want me to go on with my life and be happy. I know this. It's just hard to put into action.

I did call him. I told him that I wasn't sure he would want to talk to me again, after last night. He said he knew I was pretty upset last night, and that he still wants to be friends and not sure what else, but it was said like we will see what develops. That he was out sick all day today, and that he wasn't mad or scared by me. He says he wants to talk more tomorrow when he is feeling better.

he still wants to be friends and not sure what else, but it was said like we will see what develops.

There you go :yay:

S-L-O-W

No hurry, just see what happens.

No one is sticking around with somone who wears baggage on their sleeve.

I disagree. I prefer for someone to wear their baggage on their sleeve so I know what I'm getting and don't find any nasty surprises.

There you go :yay:

S-L-O-W

No hurry, just see what happens.
Thank you for the support. I am thinking it is good. That way I can get used to things too. And he and I both have a lot on our plates.

I disagree. I prefer for someone to wear their baggage on their sleeve so I know what I'm getting and don't find any nasty surprises.

Sorry Vrai, I am completely against this at start up.

True statement but baggage belongs in your pocket. It's your duty to control and hide that mess... Best you can. No one is sticking around with somone who wears baggage on their sleeve.

I'm not playing games, I'm calling a spade a spade.

The person she is talking about is dead. I don't think this is a problem for her to express that as long as there is equal amounts invested in the emotional bank of the relationship. Why play games? :shrug:

The person she is talking about is dead. I don't think this is a problem for her to express that as long as there is equal amounts invested in the emotional bank of the relationship. Why play games? :shrug:

I do really well holding it in most of the time. Just sometimes something triggers it, and I can't always stop it. I have gotten better though. This time last year, I was crying all the time, as well as having panic attacks a lot. Couldn't get help from my doctor, but I could get relaxers for my cat's anxiety. I guess she was more important.

The person she is talking about is dead. I don't think this is a problem for her to express that as long as there is equal amounts invested in the emotional bank of the relationship. Why play games? :shrug:

Because there is no emotional bank yet! Holy Crapola!

Because there is no emotional bank yet! Holy Crapola!

Somebody has to start making deposits. :poke:

Red, Life does go on whether you like it or not and you just live with that, as you already know. It is ok to be happy again. :smoochy:

Thank you. I am trying to move forward but it's baby steps.

Thank you. I am trying to move forward but it's baby steps.

Baby Steps work better than running and jumping head first into something. Every long lasting relationship needs to start with friendship so you have nothing to lose with making this guy your good friend. If things go no further and it was not meant to be you will have lost nothing and will have gained a good friend! Win -Win!

Personally, I don't dig the games some of the other posters are encouraging.

I did call him. he was out sick all day today, and that he wasn't mad or scared by me. He says he wants to talk more tomorrow when he is feeling better.

So the guy had a shot of Nyquil and slept all day. :lol:
My guess would have been he was otherwise occupied and your behavior the night before was not a factor

Call him and thank him for being supportive while you were having your meltdown. He sounds like a nice guy. :yay:
:yeahthat: Also, I know it can be hard but try not to be too obsessed with the fella. That can be a turnoff to some guys.:lol:

:yeahthat: Also, I know it can be hard but try not to be too obsessed with the fella. That can be a turnoff to some guys.:lol:

:yeahthat: also known as a Klingon

True statement but baggage belongs in your pocket. It's your duty to control and hide that mess... Best you can. No one is sticking around with somone who wears baggage on their sleeve.

I'm not playing games, I'm calling a spade a spade.

...it's your duty to unpack it and put it away. Baggage, to me, is not something to be worn as a badge of honor nor as some buried secret. It's something to be dealt with and grown out of or, at the very least, reduce it down to a carry on. :lol:

Or you can just live with it forever. Or hide it forever. Or add to it.

We're all free to do what we wish! :cartwheel

I do really well holding it in most of the time. Just sometimes something triggers it, and I can't always stop it. I have gotten better though. This time last year, I was crying all the time, as well as having panic attacks a lot. Couldn't get help from my doctor, but I could get relaxers for my cat's anxiety. I guess she was more important.

...that's pretty normal. 18 months is not a long time, at all, to move on from death.

...that's pretty normal. 18 months is not a long time, at all, to move on from death.

Some of my friends have been really surprised that I would even consider moving on, but I hate being lonely. I hate having noone to talk to.

...it's your duty to unpack it and put it away. Baggage, to me, is not something to be worn as a badge of honor nor as some buried secret. It's something to be dealt with and grown out of or, at the very least, reduce it down to a carry on. :lol:

Or you can just live with it forever. Or hide it forever. Or add to it.

We're all free to do what we wish! :cartwheel

Baggae is kept in the overhead until a bumpy ride shakes it loose. Then it is dealt with and put neatly back overhead.

So the guy had a shot of Nyquil and slept all day. :lol:
My guess would have been he was otherwise occupied and your behavior the night before was not a factor

That's what he said. I was just really scared. I haven't been through any of this in too long. And with my husband, none of this was an issue.

Some of my friends have been really surprised that I would even consider moving on, but I hate being lonely. I hate having noone to talk to.

It's no one, not noone.

:yeahthat: Also, I know it can be hard but try not to be too obsessed with the fella. That can be a turnoff to some guys.:lol:

I am trying.

Baggae is kept in the overhead until a bumpy ride shakes it loose. Then it is dealt with and put neatly back overhead.

I like that statement. THis morning I am thinking that even if things never work out, at least I took the step of talking to him and going out once, and that's a huge step for me in itself.

Baggae is kept in the overhead until a bumpy ride shakes it loose. Then it is dealt with and put neatly back overhead.

I really don't think the death of a spouse is baggage, especially since he's only been gone 18 months.

I really don't think the death of a spouse is baggage, especially since he's only been gone 18 months.

No it's not. She might have other stuff in her life also. All this time I thought the name was male :lol:

I really don't think the death of a spouse is baggage, especially since he's only been gone 18 months.

But like I said before, divorce is normal. Death at 41 is not. Most forms you fill out ask married separated divorced, single- not widow- I hate the term. I hate what it denotes. I hate that there are preconcieved notions about me because of his death. Everyone has read the stories about the crazy widows, or the widows who are chasing everyone's husbands, and I don't want that reputation. I worry when friends husbands help me with things at the house. I worry about the jokes. Other people think they are funny. I am 37. Do you think I planned this? At this point in my life, I figured I would be wife and mother. Have a house, and already had the greatest guy. Now I am starting over.

No it's not. She might have other stuff in her life also. All this time I thought the name was male :lol:
Nope, that's the big thing.

Baggae is kept in the overhead until a bumpy ride shakes it loose. Then it is dealt with and put neatly back overhead.

...it falls, again, and hits you in the head, again. OR, or we put it away so it don't hit us in the head no more. Under our seat, out the window, wherever just so as to not cause us no mo' pain.

Proper baggage handling is a key life skill.

:lol:

...it falls, again, and hits you in the head, again. OR, or we put it away so it don't hit us in the head no more. Under our seat, out the window, wherever just so as to not cause us no mo' pain.

Proper baggage handling is a key life skill.

:lol:

Maybe we should be named baggage jugglers?

Maybe we should be named baggage jugglers?

Would you juggle Kwillia's baggage?

...it falls, again, and hits you in the head, again. OR, or we put it away so it don't hit us in the head no more. Under our seat, out the window, wherever just so as to not cause us no mo' pain.

Proper baggage handling is a key life skill.

:lol:

I am still working on proper baggage handling skills.

Would you juggle Kwillia's baggage?

Mint tea out the nose :roflmao: Pass the Goose please :otter:

Mint tea out the nose :roflmao: Pass the Goose please :otter:

:yahoo: :killingme

Maybe we should be named baggage jugglers?

..as such, some of us juggle a few soft things, some of us juggle hand grenades, chain saws and pitch forks!

:jameo:

I hate that there are preconcieved notions about me because of his death.
I worry when friends husbands help me with things at the house.
I worry about the jokes.

I once had someone tell me that other people's opinion of me is none of my business.
Turns out the ONLY person you have to please is yourself. :lol:

You have absolutely no control over how other people perceive your situation so spending time and effort worrying about what they think seems somewhat pointless.

Mint tea out the nose :roflmao: Pass the Goose please :otter:

Personally I thought Kahlua and Bailey's shots did the trick the other night!

I once had someone tell me that other people's opinion of me is none of my business.
Turns out the ONLY person you have to please is yourself. :lol:

You have absolutely no control over how other people perceive your situation so spending time and effort worrying about what they think seems somewhat pointless.

Yes, but their comments and looks sometimes hurt to the bone. Especially when they are relatives.

Some of my friends have been really surprised that I would even consider moving on, but I hate being lonely. I hate having noone to talk to.

...all sorts of professional opinions on grief and mourning, but, 18 months seems to be a fairly common reference point, as a minimum, to get over a traumatic event; death, divorce, a Redskins season.

And that's the deeper problem. Usually, death and divorce don't overlap. There is time. However, by the time one is recovering from the Redskins, we're in the middle of the next season; compounding trauma. You live in a state of suspended animation, groundhog day-esque.

Yes, but their comments and looks sometimes hurt to the bone. Especially when they are relatives.

...are they his people or yours? His people probably think you're selfish and not suffering enough to justify moving on.

Redskins Trauma never seems to end.

Redskins Trauma never seems to end.

As my wife says "It could always be worse."

But like I said before, divorce is normal. Death at 41 is not. Most forms you fill out ask married separated divorced, single- not widow- I hate the term. I hate what it denotes. I hate that there are preconcieved notions about me because of his death. Everyone has read the stories about the crazy widows, or the widows who are chasing everyone's husbands, and I don't want that reputation. I worry when friends husbands help me with things at the house. I worry about the jokes. Other people think they are funny. I am 37. Do you think I planned this? At this point in my life, I figured I would be wife and mother. Have a house, and already had the greatest guy. Now I am starting over.

Death happens at all ages, but true 41 is a young age to die and it is hard to lose someone you love. I do think you need to stop worrying what "you may think" others are thinking, etc. If someone offers help then take if, if you need it.

Everybody handles death and grieving differently. Some can move on quickly while others have a hard time letting go because they are afraid to and sometimes thing it's wrong to. It's no doubt by the responses you put on this thread that you loved your husband and are still very much grieving his loss. But at the same time you met this other guy who you seem to like, but afraid to take a chance. I would think your husband would want you to be happy and possibly find love again. By doing so doesn't mean you didn't love him etc. You're never going to forget him because can always carry the memories of somebody you loved with you.

Only you can do what's best for you and when you are ready to move on you will, but don't be afraid to take chances either. Just take one day at a time and see how it goes and don't worry about what others may things - it's your life not theirs.

Yes, but their comments and looks sometimes hurt to the bone. Especially when they are relatives.

Relatives can ALWAYS find the right buttons to push.



:gossip: they installed the buttons

Relatives can ALWAYS find the right buttons to push.



:gossip: they installed the buttons

And when they are his relatives.

And when they are his relatives.

:lol: Screw them.
Unless there are kids involved, they are no longer related to you.
YOU and only you define their role in your life.
If you get involved with somebody else will you expect his relatives to approve?
I wouldn't hold my breath on that one.

No. I know they won't.

Relatives can ALWAYS find the right buttons to push.



:gossip: they installed the buttons

You have spread out too much reputation.

:high5:

...all sorts of professional opinions on grief and mourning, but, 18 months seems to be a fairly common reference point, as a minimum, to get over a traumatic event; death, divorce, a Redskins season.


:roflmao:

So, I had finally gotten up the nerve to start talking to someone-the first someone since my husband died- and I think I really screwed it up last night.

We finally met over the weekend, had a great time, went to church together, explored near his area, and laughed a lot. He called me three times on the way home to see how my trip was progressing. And he said he would come visit this weekend maybe. Now Sunday, I didn't really talk to him, although I wanted to. I knew he had to work, and he was not feeling well. Monday, I called to see how he was feeling and he was miserable. Yesterday, I called mid day, and he was still feeling bad. Last night, I had a really bad night. I decided there was a lot of stress building up to what would have been my wedding anniversary, and it seemed like there were reminders everywhere. And after work, I went home and started drinking. I don't usually drink alone because it scares me. Anyway, I was really lonely and started calling friends. Noone was home or answered cells or homes. So I called him. I don't think I said anything too horrible to him, and I told him I really didn't want to call him and lay this on his shoulders, (even though he has done the same to me), but I was really upset on the phone. He told me a couple of jokes, and we laughed some. He also said that maybe I wasn't ready to date someone, that there was still a lot I had to go through, but that he wasn't rejecting me. The one thing I do remember telling him is the truth, that I wanted to hug him while we were out the other night, but was afraid to cross a line (we said we were starting as friends and see where things go). His comment was that I had set the boundaries, and it was up to me. He told me to call back in an hour. I did, and we talked for a couple of minutes and he said he was waiting for a call from his kids, and to send him a message this morning letting him know I was ok. I did, along with a couple of other emails, and haven't heard anything all day.

I am so confused and don't know what to do. Do I call him, or did I really screw up?

I'm sorry to hear about your husband.

If he really is interested in you then he will give you space to heal but also be there for you. If you two started out as friends then try to keep it at that level. Hugging is not saying your more then friends, its just a hug for comfort and affection. If he hasn't responded to you then i would be done with it. but if he has then just let him know what your feeling, honesty is the key and if he's any kind of a man that truly is interested in you then he'll wait for you when you are ready to be more then just friends.

So, I had finally gotten up the nerve to start talking to someone-the first someone since my husband died- and I think I really screwed it up last night.

We finally met over the weekend, had a great time, went to church together, explored near his area, and laughed a lot. He called me three times on the way home to see how my trip was progressing. And he said he would come visit this weekend maybe. Now Sunday, I didn't really talk to him, although I wanted to. I knew he had to work, and he was not feeling well. Monday, I called to see how he was feeling and he was miserable. Yesterday, I called mid day, and he was still feeling bad. Last night, I had a really bad night. I decided there was a lot of stress building up to what would have been my wedding anniversary, and it seemed like there were reminders everywhere. And after work, I went home and started drinking. I don't usually drink alone because it scares me. Anyway, I was really lonely and started calling friends. Noone was home or answered cells or homes. So I called him. I don't think I said anything too horrible to him, and I told him I really didn't want to call him and lay this on his shoulders, (even though he has done the same to me), but I was really upset on the phone. He told me a couple of jokes, and we laughed some. He also said that maybe I wasn't ready to date someone, that there was still a lot I had to go through, but that he wasn't rejecting me. The one thing I do remember telling him is the truth, that I wanted to hug him while we were out the other night, but was afraid to cross a line (we said we were starting as friends and see where things go). His comment was that I had set the boundaries, and it was up to me. He told me to call back in an hour. I did, and we talked for a couple of minutes and he said he was waiting for a call from his kids, and to send him a message this morning letting him know I was ok. I did, along with a couple of other emails, and haven't heard anything all day.

I am so confused and don't know what to do. Do I call him, or did I really screw up?

I hope this doesn't come across as callous because it is definitely not meant that way...

There are two things you will never get over... the loss of a loved one, and not moving on with your life.

I pray for for you to be at peace with your decision.

I hope this doesn't come across as callous because it is definitely not meant that way...

There are two things you will never get over... the loss of a loved one, and not moving on with your life.

I pray for for you to be at peace with your decision.

:yay: good input. It is very true that you will always regret not living your one life to its fullest. (which includes moving on and not letting something bad dwell in your life)

:yay: good input. It is very true that you will always regret not living your one life to its fullest. (which includes moving on and not letting something bad dwell in your life)

Thanks PC, I was really worried it would come off wrong.

I hope this doesn't come across as callous because it is definitely not meant that way...

There are two things you will never get over... the loss of a loved one, and not moving on with your life.

I pray for for you to be at peace with your decision.

You did not come across as callous. What has gotten me through to this point is the knowledge that even when my husband was sick and so upset, he was always willing to help out and took care of everyone, especially me. I know he would want me to move on. At least I know it in my mind. Still working on the heart part. I am more at peace with it now, although I have tough moments. I have wonderful friends who have helped me through a lot.

Baby steps....

I lost my husband a few years ago and made a lot of mistakes since then. Several years down the road it has gotten a bit easier, but I believe everyone has a soul mate and wonder if I will be single for the rest of my life I'm in my 40s also.

DO not fall into a relationship just for the sake of being with someone. It sounds as though you are not ready for a relationship, especially one with someone that also "has alot on his plate". You need to worry about YOU right nowm and it may not be wise to take on someone elses problems. It woudl be bnice to have afriend to lean on, but don't make the mistake of jumping into something it sounds like you are not ready for.

Do you have children? If you would like someone to talk to that knows exactly how you feel, I'm here. I haven't met nayone my age that has been in the smae circumstance and I feel that people think I should have 'gotten over it" by now. I look at my kids every day growing up with out their dad and I know I will never "get over it".

Take care of YOURSELF first and foremost. Hugs to you.

Wonderful post. Nobody can tell anyone else how long it will take them to recover from the loss of a loved one as each person grieves in their own way and their own time. I wish you both the best of luck as you move forward day by day.

Damn, she's right, I was nice in this fread. :diva:

So, I had finally gotten up the nerve to start talking to someone-the first someone since my husband died- and I think I really screwed it up last night.

We finally met over the weekend, had a great time, went to church together, explored near his area, and laughed a lot. He called me three times on the way home to see how my trip was progressing. And he said he would come visit this weekend maybe. Now Sunday, I didn't really talk to him, although I wanted to. I knew he had to work, and he was not feeling well. Monday, I called to see how he was feeling and he was miserable. Yesterday, I called mid day, and he was still feeling bad. Last night, I had a really bad night. I decided there was a lot of stress building up to what would have been my wedding anniversary, and it seemed like there were reminders everywhere. And after work, I went home and started drinking. I don't usually drink alone because it scares me. Anyway, I was really lonely and started calling friends. Noone was home or answered cells or homes. So I called him. I don't think I said anything too horrible to him, and I told him I really didn't want to call him and lay this on his shoulders, (even though he has done the same to me), but I was really upset on the phone. He told me a couple of jokes, and we laughed some. He also said that maybe I wasn't ready to date someone, that there was still a lot I had to go through, but that he wasn't rejecting me. The one thing I do remember telling him is the truth, that I wanted to hug him while we were out the other night, but was afraid to cross a line (we said we were starting as friends and see where things go). His comment was that I had set the boundaries, and it was up to me. He told me to call back in an hour. I did, and we talked for a couple of minutes and he said he was waiting for a call from his kids, and to send him a message this morning letting him know I was ok. I did, along with a couple of other emails, and haven't heard anything all day.

I am so confused and don't know what to do. Do I call him, or did I really screw up?

Don't do it, I'm not sure why but I get a sense this guy is a scumbag. Move along and find another.

So Red what ended up happening?