For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:

For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:

maybe she figured after a long day at work you would like to come home and relax that is why she did your laundry (shes trying to be helpful since she is home with the baby and when he or she is napping figured she would help with the housework). I wouldn't shoot her down or she might make you travel for her to see her grandbaby and you wouldn't want that would you?

For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:

Oh wow! I agree she should just sit around smoking in your home, leaving dirty dishes scattered around. Throw her dirty clothes down to you and ask you to take care of them. She should not ever ever make a meal for you to eat after you come home from a long day at work. How dare she!
You are lucky that you have someone to come and visit you and try to help out with the baby. It is not a permanent situation. Get a grip!
now

Apparently the MIL's stick together...:killingme

Have you tried speaking to her about it? It sounds like she's just trying to be helpful.

If I PM you my address will you please send her my way? I'll let her claim my kids as her grandbabies. :smile:

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

I know that she is just trying to be helpful and that's why I haven't brought it up with her. I was hoping for some suggestions on a delicate way to ask her to back off a bit because I DO like her and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Honestly I would rather they just put their dirty dishes in the sink and left them there. I will handle them. I have no problems doing that. I was raised that when you have company (family or not) they are GUESTS, and GUESTS do not do chores for you.

They do travel quite a ways to come see us, so they usually stay for 4 days or so at a time. Since the baby has been born they usually come up every few weeks. They want my baby sleeping with them in the guest room, they want to handle all of his diaper changes, are constantly playing with him. I love that they love him so much and want to spend time with him. I hate that they make me feel like I'm intruding and taking "THEIR GRANDBABY" away when he's obviously overstimulated and exhausted and needs a nap and some quiet time. Yes, I understand it sounds like a dream break but it's stressful to feel like you aren't allowed to come near your own child for 4 days!

I loved my MIL, but there were times where she was a bit too intrusive. I always enjoyed letting her clean, make meals, and tend the kids while she visited. Just keep it in your head, that "This too shall pass".

You will someday be a MIL to the spouse of your new baby. Imagine your child's significant other not wanting you involved with your grandchild.

Now that I'm in my 40s, I see friends and relatives of mine become grandmothers. It has been my observation that the maternal instinct and sudden overwhelming feeling of unconditional love can become just as strong in a woman when she becomes a grandmother as it is for a woman who has become a mother. Her nurturing instincts have kicked in.

She remembers what it's like to be a new mother and how hard it is to find time for yourself. It sounds like she's just trying to help you find some extra time and at the same time make a very crucial bond with her grandchild.

Try to recognize the value of this new phase of your relationship. The pace of her visits will ease up as will her feelings of wanting to nurture and help you. Enjoy it while it last and if it really does bother your so much for her to be doing your laundry just plain tell her it embarasses you and you want her to no longer do it.

For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:

My Mom & my inlaws also travel to come see their grandbaby, generally stay 2 or 3 nights every couple of months. I LOVE it if any of them wash dishes, clean up after themselves, etc. If they saw that my son's hamper was full of dirty clothes and did his laundry, I'd appreciate that too. But I could certainly do without any of them folding my lingerie and I'd feel weird afterwards ilike you do, especially if my MIL folded my bras and panties in front of my FIL! :cds:

I think your best bet is to do what I do......when my inlaws are coming into town, especially if they're gonna babysit when hubby & I go away, I make sure there is NO dirty laundry to be done. My MIL did their laundry here one time and I had left clean clothes in the dryer. She folded it all, being nice, and I remember being so thankful that it was only towels and sheets!

You will someday be a MIL to the spouse of your new baby. Imagine your child's significant other not wanting you involved with your grandchild.

Now that I'm in my 40s, I see friends and relatives of mine become grandmothers. It has been my observation that the maternal instinct and sudden overwhelming feeling of unconditional love can become just as strong in a woman when she becomes a grandmother as it is for a woman who has become a mother. Her nurturing instincts have kicked in.

She remembers what it's like to be a new mother and how hard it is to find time for yourself. It sounds like she's just trying to help you find some extra time and at the same time make a very crucial bond with her grandchild.

Try to recognize the value of this new phase of your relationship. The pace of her visits will ease up as will her feelings of wanting to nurture and help you. Enjoy it while it last and if it really does bother your so much for her to be doing your laundry just plain tell her it embarasses you and you want her to no longer do it.
I keep coming up with 56, maybe your math is off. http://forums.somd.com/1733051-post98.html

I honestly am not sure there is a way because of this:


She remembers what it's like to be a new mother and how hard it is to find time for yourself. It sounds like she's just trying to help you find some extra time and at the same time make a very crucial bond with her grandchild.


I do not think there is a way to say anything w/o hurting her feelings.

I remember reading once about people visiting a new baby and the complaint was they just sat around and wanted to hold the new baby. While yes they were there to visit the baby but being there added mess to the house and added more work for the already tired sleep deprived new parents. The gist was trying to help out and I just do not think there is a way around it.

How long is she there for? Can you hide your 'delicates' and wash them on your own later?

I keep coming up with 56, maybe your math is off. http://forums.somd.com/1733051-post98.htmlWhat can I say... Jazzy can spell but she sucks at math...:shrug:

For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:

laundry might be pushing it. I would be embarrassed to have a MIL doing my laundry. As for the rest, I think she's just trying to help.

Tread lightly on the subject. You might turn an uncomfortable situation into a nightmare.

You will someday be a MIL to the spouse of your new baby. Imagine your child's significant other not wanting you involved with your grandchild.

Now that I'm in my 40s, I see friends and relatives of mine become grandmothers. It has been my observation that the maternal instinct and sudden overwhelming feeling of unconditional love can become just as strong in a woman when she becomes a grandmother as it is for a woman who has become a mother. Her nurturing instincts have kicked in.

She remembers what it's like to be a new mother and how hard it is to find time for yourself. It sounds like she's just trying to help you find some extra time and at the same time make a very crucial bond with her grandchild.

Try to recognize the value of this new phase of your relationship. The pace of her visits will ease up as will her feelings of wanting to nurture and help you. Enjoy it while it last and if it really does bother your so much for her to be doing your laundry just plain tell her it embarasses you and you want her to no longer do it.

That's a really good point. My inlaws are great about insisting that hubby and I take a date night when they'll be in town to babysit. Or they'll tell me to just go get my nails done or go food shopping solo. They recognize that we have no family here and that we never get time alone. My MIL can be overearing in some ways but I consider myself lucky that all my son's grandparents want to spend time with him as he grows. But like the OP, I wouldn't be too happy if she was washing my bras! :killingme

MIL is an adult. Point blank tell her you appreciate her help but your laundry is personal and you'd like to keep that chore to yourself. Give her the boundary without any drama or emotion and leave it at that...:shrug:

How long is she there for? Can you hide your 'delicates' and wash them on your own later?

That is what I'll be doing in the future. The last visit was the first time she touched my laundry so from now on it will either be done BEFORE they arrive or it will be well hidden.

I dunno, it's just really hard because I KNOW she is just trying to be helpful but it ends up making extra work for me after they leave trying to straighten out her help. I think she knows I don't like her doing chores around my house so she tries to sneak them when I'm not looking. It ends up with me having to play treasure hunt all over my kitchen to figure out where she put this, that or the other thing. Or the time I opened up a cupboard and had coffee cups fall out on my head because she tried stacking them on a high shelf.

Oh wow! I agree she should just sit around smoking in your home, leaving dirty dishes scattered around. Throw her dirty clothes down to you and ask you to take care of them. She should not ever ever make a meal for you to eat after you come home from a long day at work. How dare she!
You are lucky that you have someone to come and visit you and try to help out with the baby. It is not a permanent situation. Get a grip!
now

:yay::yay:

I dunno, it's just really hard because I KNOW she is just trying to be helpful but it ends up making extra work for me after they leave trying to straighten out her help. I think she knows I don't like her doing chores around my house so she tries to sneak them when I'm not looking. It ends up with me having to play treasure hunt all over my kitchen to figure out where she put this, that or the other thing. Or the time I opened up a cupboard and had coffee cups fall out on my head because she tried stacking them on a high shelf.
As true as the irritation really is... go back and re-read what you wrote and then look at the big picture. Is it really that bad and something that can't be recovered from with a sigh and a grin knowing it was done with good intention?

I can definitely understand it being annoying since it ends up being more work for you in the end but honestly I do not think there is any way to word it without sounding like the evil daughter in law from hell, KWIM?

I know that she is just trying to be helpful and that's why I haven't brought it up with her. I was hoping for some suggestions on a delicate way to ask her to back off a bit because I DO like her and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Honestly I would rather they just put their dirty dishes in the sink and left them there. I will handle them. I have no problems doing that. I was raised that when you have company (family or not) they are GUESTS, and GUESTS do not do chores for you.

They do travel quite a ways to come see us, so they usually stay for 4 days or so at a time. Since the baby has been born they usually come up every few weeks. They want my baby sleeping with them in the guest room, they want to handle all of his diaper changes, are constantly playing with him. I love that they love him so much and want to spend time with him. I hate that they make me feel like I'm intruding and taking "THEIR GRANDBABY" away when he's obviously overstimulated and exhausted and needs a nap and some quiet time. Yes, I understand it sounds like a dream break but it's stressful to feel like you aren't allowed to come near your own child for 4 days!

Do approach her delicately and tell the inlaws how much you love the visit and appreciate everything they do. Also tell them that you want them to be honored guests in your home and to leave the chores to you as well as the night feedings. Make a schedule for the baby to have naps and down time in order to get a break form all the handling and encourage the grandparents to use that time to relax and enjoy observing the baby at play, sleep, etc.

For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:

Your MIL is trying to help you and be a part of her grandchild's life. You should have thought of that before you married someone's son.

Fortunately, my DIL is a joy and a peach, and I couldn't be any more pleased with my son's choice of mate. When I am a guest in her home, I cook, clean, and yes fold laundry. In fact, I'm invading her home for Thanksgiving and am taking over the whole shebang - all she has to do is show up (and make this really yummy casserole thing she does).

This is because she works a full time job, plus she and my son own a new business that takes up the rest of their time. She so far appreciates my help, after we had a discussion during which I assured her I don't think she's a bum or bad wife because I *gasp* cooked a few meals and washed a few dishes. In fact, my son presents me with a list of what he wants me to cook while I'm there, and she doesn't mind a bit.

You may feel that your dainties are oh so personal, but to your husband's mother they're just underpants and she's folded a million of them before. So simply tell her, without attitude, that you don't like anyone doing your laundry because you're picky about it - this is what I told my Mom and it worked out just fine.

I can definitely understand it being annoying since it ends up being more work for you in the end but honestly I do not think there is any way to word it without sounding like the evil daughter in law from hell, KWIM?

I do know what you mean, and that's why I've been sitting on it. Unfortunately sitting on it just seems to make me feel more and more grouchy about it every time.

So tips to implement for future visits:
*Either have laundry done before hand or stash it

*Offer to let MIL HELP with the dishes rather than making her feel like she has to sneak in and do them when I'm not aware

*Don't hide/avoid when they come to visit, spend more time visiting and gently removing baby when it's obviously naptime

*Maybe let baby spend one or two nights with them, and the rest in his bedroom to keep him on schedule

Am I missing anything? Any other suggestions?

My DIL is a joy - it's my DAUGHTER that tried to be a cow. But we came to terms and now when I'm visiting or she's visiting, she dumps young Riggs off with me for the duration and disappears.

:yahoo:

We hook up for lunch or dinner at least once a day while we're in the same zip code, but other than that she sets me up with a car seat and a diaper bag full of supplies, and gets lost. :yay:

I do know what you mean, and that's why I've been sitting on it. Unfortunately sitting on it just seems to make me feel more and more grouchy about it every time.

So tips to implement for future visits:
*Either have laundry done before hand or stash it

*Offer to let MIL HELP with the dishes rather than making her feel like she has to sneak in and do them when I'm not aware

*Don't hide/avoid when they come to visit, spend more time visiting and gently removing baby when it's obviously naptime

*Maybe let baby spend one or two nights with them, and the rest in his bedroom to keep him on schedule

Am I missing anything? Any other suggestions?

I wouldn't let th baby spend the night in their room, but if he's still getting up at night, maybe you could let MIL have one night to tend to him and get a full night of sleep. It could be a good time for her to have some personal time with him to bond as well, and maybe she wouldn't feel the need to compete with you for his attention during the day. Win, win.

My DIL is a joy - it's my DAUGHTER that tried to be a cow. But we came to terms and now when I'm visiting or she's visiting, she dumps young Riggs off with me for the duration and disappears.

:yahoo:

We hook up for lunch or dinner at least once a day while we're in the same zip code, but other than that she sets me up with a car seat and a diaper bag full of supplies, and gets lost. :yay:

Once they outgrow that newborn sleep, eat and shiat stage and enter that drooling, crying, temper tantrum phase that's typically what happens. :killingme

I do know what you mean, and that's why I've been sitting on it. Unfortunately sitting on it just seems to make me feel more and more grouchy about it every time.

So tips to implement for future visits:
*Either have laundry done before hand or stash it

*Offer to let MIL HELP with the dishes rather than making her feel like she has to sneak in and do them when I'm not aware

*Don't hide/avoid when they come to visit, spend more time visiting and gently removing baby when it's obviously naptime

*Maybe let baby spend one or two nights with them, and the rest in his bedroom to keep him on schedule

Am I missing anything? Any other suggestions?
Do you not like her or something? How old is the baby?

She so far appreciates my help, after we had a discussion during which I assured her I don't think she's a bum or bad wife because I *gasp* cooked a few meals and washed a few dishes. In fact, my son presents me with a list of what he wants me to cook while I'm there, and she doesn't mind a bit.

I wish we had had this conversation, because honestly that is how she makes me feel :( Like a bad wife and a bad mother.

Again, she's a wonderful woman and I know that isn't her intent and regardless of how much rationalizing I try to do to myself I still feel butthurt about it.

I do know what you mean, and that's why I've been sitting on it. Unfortunately sitting on it just seems to make me feel more and more grouchy about it every time.

So tips to implement for future visits:
*Either have laundry done before hand or stash it

*Offer to let MIL HELP with the dishes rather than making her feel like she has to sneak in and do them when I'm not aware

*Don't hide/avoid when they come to visit, spend more time visiting and gently removing baby when it's obviously naptime

*Maybe let baby spend one or two nights with them, and the rest in his bedroom to keep him on schedule

Am I missing anything? Any other suggestions?Honestly, if you have to make a list and check it twice in order to 'suffer' through their visits you are simply being too anal. Period. Relax. Go with the flow and just plain give up trying to hog all the 'motherly duties'. It's only a few days every month or so. If you give off biatch vibes the visits will get less and less and your child will have less grandparent time. That sounds pretty self-centered, doesn't it?

Do you not like her or something? How old is the baby?

Oh, I like her just fine for the most part. She's very friendly, outgoing and loud. I'm a very quiet, introverted type. So had I met her on the street I doubt I would have pursued a friendship, but (except for the volume) she's a very easy person to get along with.

Baby is a bit over 8 months now, so a lot of the "newborn" issues are gone. He's been sleeping through the night (6-8pm to 7am-ish) since 4 or 5 months, transitioned to his own room/crib at 6 months without a single hitch. Honestly he's a dream baby. Happier than any baby I have ever heard of before.

I wish we had had this conversation, because honestly that is how she makes me feel :( Like a bad wife and a bad mother.

She's not trying to - she's trying to help you and enjoy her grandkid.

I don't think you should worry about her doing dishes and such, I'm sure she's just trying to help...especially since you have a little one. As for the laundry, keep your dirty clothes in your room and lock the door or, hide what you really really REALLY don't want her to wash :shrug:

I don't know what to say about the baby though, I'm sure it would bother me too but since it's only 4 days they probably just want to spend as much time with him as they can as it's only FOUR DAYS you know? Try to be patient and remember that you have him for the other 361 days in the year :smile:

Honestly, if you have to make a list and check it twice in order to 'suffer' through their visits you are simply being too anal. Period. Relax. Go with the flow and just plain give up trying to hog all the 'motherly duties'. It's only a few days every month or so. If you give off biatch vibes the visits will get less and less and your child will have less grandparent time. That sounds pretty self-centered, doesn't it?

Bahaha I am anal, I realize this. Making lists of things actually helps me a lot to calm down and relax. I don't generally stick to them exactly but it makes me feel like I have a plan of action and I'm not just randomly bumping around without a clue.

She's not trying to - she's trying to help you and enjoy her grandkid.

:yeahthat:

If she thought she was a bad mother, she would have called social services by now and tried to take custody of the baby herself.


Relax, and enjoy her visits. Soon enough you will WANT her to take him for a weekend.

Bahaha I am anal, I realize this. Making lists of things actually helps me a lot to calm down and relax. I don't generally stick to them exactly but it makes me feel like I have a plan of action and I'm not just randomly bumping around without a clue.

:lol: Look at it his way... your son can MOST certainly benefit from more grammy time! With your introvertedness and her extrovertedness he has a chance at acquiring the happy medium!

Relax, and enjoy her visits. Soon enough you will WANT her to take him for a weekend.

Soon enough, I'm not quite there yet. Right now he's growing so fast and doing so many new things each week and I hate that I have to miss most of it because of work. I get to play with him for 2-3 hours in the evenings before he goes to bed and on the weeks hubby's parents come up I basically don't get to interact with him at all.

A few weeks ago we went down to their place to visit and while it was much easier stress wise (didn't have to clean house, plan things to do, etc etc) we were dead on our feet. They live 10 hours away and we made the drive overnight so it would be easier on the baby (and us in regards to the baby). We were total zombies while we were there.

As soon as he gets to the Terrible Twos I'm sure I'll totally be shipping him down to visit them for a week or two at a time :killingme

:lol: Look at it his way... your son can MOST certainly benefit from more grammy time! With your introvertedness and her extrovertedness he has a chance at acquiring the happy medium!

Hah he already seems to be soaking that up! Both hubby and I are introverted and I seriously do mean it about him being super happy baby. He loves people, he has grins and giggles for everyone.

But I need to get out of here... need to hit up Target to buy supplies. We're going to have some adventures in baby finger (hah) painting tonight!

Bahaha I am anal, I realize this. Making lists of things actually helps me a lot to calm down and relax. I don't generally stick to them exactly but it makes me feel like I have a plan of action and I'm not just randomly bumping around without a clue. You sound a bit like me. I have this issue with control, and even if my car is dirty..I feel like I am losing that control. As posted earlier..try your best to relax, and enjoy. Being in control all the time, can & does drive one crazy. I think you expect too much of yourself.

I wish we had had this conversation, because honestly that is how she makes me feel :( Like a bad wife and a bad mother.

Again, she's a wonderful woman and I know that isn't her intent and regardless of how much rationalizing I try to do to myself I still feel butthurt about it.

GROW UP!!

Its a tough situation. Try to hang in there and not get too frustrated. Can you take a Xanax or something while she's there? just saying

I will have you know that I have now gone FOUR week long visits with my mother, the remote controller, without having a single cross word with her. I think if I can do that, you can certainly behave with your MIL for a few days.

Of course, I made merciless fun of her and had several belly laughs at her expense, but I didn't get mad or even irritable. She was pretty pissed, but I was calm and serene. :angel:

I do not like her doing my laundry, not because I'm worried about her seeing my undiepants but because she doesn't sort. My Dad has more pink t-shirts than anyone you've ever seen. So when she told me to go get my things so she could wash them, I just told her no, I'll do them when I get home. She insisted, I said no, I'm ticky about my laundry. She started getting bent, I asked her if she was seriously going to have a fit because I wouldn't let her wash my clothes. She proceeded to have a fit and I said, well, I guess that answers my question.

My dad was howling :lmao:

At one point she wanted to drive my rental car for whatever reason. I told her no, it's a rental and she wasn't on the insurance. This was right after she told me her car was in the shop because - ready? - she'd driven it into a concrete wall.

Really.

She huffed and said, "You act like I'm retarded." I replied, "No, YOU act like you're retarded." This made my dad and I both crack up laughing, and she pouted until we'd recovered, then all was well.

But I did not get cross or feel frustrated in any way. And I think if I can deal with that crazy person, you can deal with someone who's actually trying to be nice. Just tell her you're ticky about your laundry - make it your problem and not hers.

I will have you know that I have now gone FOUR week long visits with my mother, the remote controller, without having a single cross word with her. I think if I can do that, you can certainly behave with your MIL for a few days.

Of course, I made merciless fun of her and had several belly laughs at her expense, but I didn't get mad or even irritable. She was pretty pissed, but I was calm and serene. :angel:

I do not like her doing my laundry, not because I'm worried about her seeing my undiepants but because she doesn't sort. My Dad has more pink t-shirts than anyone you've ever seen. So when she told me to go get my things so she could wash them, I just told her no, I'll do them when I get home. She insisted, I said no, I'm ticky about my laundry. She started getting bent, I asked her if she was seriously going to have a fit because I wouldn't let her wash my clothes. She proceeded to have a fit and I said, well, I guess that answers my question.

My dad was howling :lmao:

At one point she wanted to drive my rental car for whatever reason. I told her no, it's a rental and she wasn't on the insurance. This was right after she told me her car was in the shop because - ready? - she'd driven it into a concrete wall.

Really.

She huffed and said, "You act like I'm retarded." I replied, "No, YOU act like you're retarded." This made my dad and I both crack up laughing, and she pouted until we'd recovered, then all was well.

But I did not get cross or feel frustrated in any way. And I think if I can deal with that crazy person, you can deal with someone who's actually trying to be nice. Just tell her you're ticky about your laundry - make it your problem and not hers.

:roflmao: I love reading posts about your mom.

That is what I'll be doing in the future. The last visit was the first time she touched my laundry so from now on it will either be done BEFORE they arrive or it will be well hidden.

I dunno, it's just really hard because I KNOW she is just trying to be helpful but it ends up making extra work for me after they leave trying to straighten out her help. I think she knows I don't like her doing chores around my house so she tries to sneak them when I'm not looking. It ends up with me having to play treasure hunt all over my kitchen to figure out where she put this, that or the other thing. Or the time I opened up a cupboard and had coffee cups fall out on my head because she tried stacking them on a high shelf.

What are you, 65? I'll tell you like I tell my wife (who is, by the way, 65), when the kids come to visit, and do the same thing: get the hell over it!

If you need to set the boundaries, if you can't figure out how to be tactful about it, zip your lip!

Look, tell her "Mom, I love that you come all this way to see the grandbaby, and it means the world to me that you help with housework and all, but touch my unmentionables again, and draw back a bloody stump; kapish?"

Tell her: "house rules, mom: baby has a schedule, and it's up to you to help me keep her to the schedule."

Put pants on her, but do it in a loving, appreciative way. Use humor. Fer gawd sakes, girl, your house, your child, your rules. And if hubby won't back you up on it, he can move back in with mommy. Ask him if he likes sex. Then ask him if he wants to keep having sex.

Good luck. Confrontations aren't easy; especially for some, more than others.

I wish we had had this conversation, because honestly that is how she makes me feel :( Like a bad wife and a bad mother.

Again, she's a wonderful woman and I know that isn't her intent and regardless of how much rationalizing I try to do to myself I still feel butthurt about it.

Then TELL her that that's how she's making you feel.

And women wonder why men think that all their talking is meaningless yapping.

Have not read thru all of the posts but if she still has any time left and has not been claimed by too many others I would like to adopt her as a mom too. We were just talking about this the other day, When I win the mega millions I am going to El Salvador to adopt a mom :0)

Oh wow! I agree she should just sit around smoking in your home, leaving dirty dishes scattered around. Throw her dirty clothes down to you and ask you to take care of them. She should not ever ever make a meal for you to eat after you come home from a long day at work. How dare she!
You are lucky that you have someone to come and visit you and try to help out with the baby. It is not a permanent situation. Get a grip!
now

:lol:

I hear a key word... TRAVEL... which means she doesn't live close - visits for 3 or 4 days with several week gaps in-between. My MIL only lived 2.2 miles down the street and once took her finger across my china closet and said "hardly the house keeper you used to be... if you are going to choose your career over your family perhaps you should hire a house keeper." :killingme

It took 14 years for me to put that behavior in check myself after my husband never did...

anyway....

I'd tell her where all the baby chit is & give her a schedule - ask her to try and stay within that schedule and go shopping, get your nails/ feet & hair done... just don't be your worst critic & create expectations that are not achievable.... enjoy the break and remember to count your blessings... one being that they don't live down the street and two, they do love their grand baby. You might not realize this now... but babies grow up too fast.

When my boys were 3 and 5, I had a friend my mom's age who would show up at our house unannounced and take the boys for the day. They'd go to MickyD's, the park, her house, bowling, the movies, lord knows where else. They were her psuedo-grandkids, and they all had a great time spending time together.

I adored my boys and loved being a stay-at-home mom, but wow, did I love those afternoons!

Then TELL her that that's how she's making you feel.

And women wonder why men think that all their talking is meaningless yapping.

Tell her how you are allowing her to make you feel.

I had an answer but changed my mind & deleted it. Should have read more of the OP's replies first, as they contained more info/background with each one. Honestly, MIL does seem like she's trying to help. Hide your undies or talk to her about leaving yours alone, that should be fine with her if she's as nice as you say.

But the baby in their room while you are there - that's unusual to me. I don't get that and I would have a problem with it, especially if she insists on it. Taking the baby off your hands and you & hubby going off to do things is fine. But if you're there, what do they need to do for the baby that you can't do? It's like you're going to have a mini honey moon while they're in the same house.

SO I think you should view the 4 days as a break for you, but if it bothers you to have the baby in their room & having her do your laundry - tell her nicely.

But the baby in their room while you are there - that's unusual to me. I don't get that and I would have a problem with it, especially if she insists on it.

I believe I know the answer to that.

When I stayed with my daughter, there was a bed in Riggs' room that I slept on. He wakes up in the morning, I hear him first, we chat for awhile, then I do his morning tending while Mommy and Dad sleep in.

When we were all at my Mom's house or when I'm at my son and DIL's, he sleeps in a portacrib in my room for that same reason - so I can get him when he first wakes up.

So I suspect Pelers' MIL wants to make sure she hears the grandtot first so she can have the morning with him and let Pelers and Mr. Pelers sleep in. My Mom used to do the same thing when my kids were little.

Consider yourself lucky that your MIL cares as much as she does. She could be like mine. When kids were little, she would do things that would put their lives in danger because she wouldn't think first. Things like not buckling kids with seat belts, giving 9 month old jello with walnuts in it, placing 1 year old who was not steady on his feet in chest deep water and walking away. Now that the kids are older, she makes every excuse to not see them. Will purposedly avoid Maryland all together when driving from GA to NY. If you say anything about what the kids are up to over the phone, she will quicky change the subject off of them.

Be happy with what you got. It could be worse.

Consider yourself lucky that your MIL cares as much as she does. She could be like mine. When kids were little, she would do things that would put their lives in danger because she wouldn't think first. Things like not buckling kids with seat belts, giving 9 month old jello with walnuts in it, placing 1 year old who was not steady on his feet in chest deep water and walking away. Now that the kids are older, she makes every excuse to not see them. Will purposedly avoid Maryland all together when driving from GA to NY. If you say anything about what the kids are up to over the phone, she will quicky change the subject off of them.

Be happy with what you got. It could be worse.Wow. Obviously, your mom has an issue with grandkids, but it begs the question: did she also do irrational/irresponsible/reckless things with her own children? If so, double Wow.

Wow. Obviously, your mom has an issue with grandkids, but it begs the question: did she also do irrational/irresponsible/reckless things with her own children? If so, double Wow.

It's my mother-in-law, not my mom. As far as her own kids, she worked while the dad had a job that allowed the kids to be with him most of the time. My husband said she was a good mom but not very good with giving any type of praise to her kids. I remember one time when the in-laws were visiting, the dad told us that he thought she should have never had kids. I thought that was really harsh, even given her lack of common sense when it came to the grandkids.

Dont get me started on this one.

I could write a book on MILs that need to be put in a group home and strapped down with duct tape..

I have the MIL from hell, one week with her and you will all suddenly appreciate the MIL that you have.

I honestly wish I could have kept the MIL from the first marriage while not having to deal with the MIL from the second/current. Too bad the first MILs daughter was a fence jumping whore,, but thats another story.. with parts left out to keep me from ending up in jail.

Try being grateful for a MIL that cares enough to want to be a part of your childs life, I'm sure from what you have written here that your MIL is only trying to be helpful to all of you, no one is perfect, but calm respectful communication seems to resolve most of the issues for all concerned........I never had a grandparent and always longed for one, I saw so many great loving relationships between a grandparent and child over the years, we never know when we may need help in life and it would be great to know that there is someone to care for our child in our absence, should the need arise, who will genuinely love and care for them. You can't imagine the love you can have for a grandchild, until you become a grandparent............it is one of the greatest joys in my life.......I feel so blessed to have my 2 granddaughters, and am so grateful........relax and let the best evolve.

Try being grateful for a MIL that cares enough to want to be a part of your childs life, I'm sure from what you have written here that your MIL is only trying to be helpful to all of you, no one is perfect, but calm respectful communication seems to resolve most of the issues for all concerned........I never had a grandparent and always longed for one, I saw so many great loving relationships between a grandparent and child over the years, we never know when we may need help in life and it would be great to know that there is someone to care for our child in our absence, should the need arise, who will genuinely love and care for them. You can't imagine the love you can have for a grandchild, until you become a grandparent............it is one of the greatest joys in my life.......I feel so blessed to have my 2 granddaughters, and am so grateful........relax and let the best evolve.

All very nice, but I can tell you without any doubt or reservations, should something have happened that required my daughter to no longer live with us, I would prefer her to have gone to become a ward of the state before going to my MIL.
I say this as seriously as I can.

I say do or hide the delicates before the visit. As for the other cleaning do it with her a couple of times so that she will know where things go. Kid in the room, if it makes you feel uncomfortable say "I like him to stay in his own room to help with his routine." If she really is a good MIL she wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable. Maybe if you made sure you were away from the house once a day so they had some one on one time with the baby that would help them feel they were spending plenty of bonding time.

I get that grandparents want to spend as much time with the baby as possible, but so does mom. Mom shouldn't have to give up complete control of the baby for the whole time they visit if that isn't what she is comfortable doing. I would never think that my wants supersede someone's comfort level.

All very nice, but I can tell you without any doubt or reservations, should something have happened that required my daughter to no longer live with us, I would prefer her to have gone to become a ward of the state before going to my MIL.
I say this as seriously as I can.And here I've always assumed that the rants you make on your MIL were/are part of your schtick. I never realized that you really disliked her that much.

Life is way too short to fret over these type of things. It never ceases to amaze me the things people make themselves miserable over. Enjoy the break your MIL is trying to give you and take it for what it is, her being nice and trying to do nice things for you.

JMHO. :shrug:

Life is way too short to fret over these type of things. It never ceases to amaze me the things people make themselves miserable over. Enjoy the break your MIL is trying to give you and take it for what it is, her being nice and trying to do nice things for you.

JMHO. :shrug:
Hey now... go away with your common sense and understanding... shew... :lol:

Pelers..since I too have a new baby, I am going to tell you that I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. however, my mil lives about..oh....2 minutes from my house.


I think a lot of the people here have older children and maybe can't remember what it is like..because I am sure as they get older it is easier and easier to let someone else take over for a bit.

My MIL is wonderful. She really, truely is. She bought us lots of baby stuff, took tons of pics for me, gets new ones printed for me all the time, anytime I merely mention something that would be neat boom..there it is on my doorstep. She LOVES monster..would watch her any minute of the day, and has watched her a few times while I went out, or shopped baby free. She rarely tries to tell me what to do (mostly because I have NO problem asserting myself and my plans, shocker, I know) and is an all around dream MIL when I think about it logically.


However, I still have severe internal reactions whne she does some things. Like when I am visiting or she is over and she repeats over and over and over again that she smells poop and helps herself to my things to change her, allll the while repeating she just KNEW she had a poopy diaper. Like I never change my kid and thank God she was there to do it,.....or when she sticks her unwashed hands in my kid's mouth constantly, over and over again, or when she wont give me her back when she is crying and tries to calm her herself to no avail, or the backhanded comments about me breastfeeding and that's the only reason monster likes me, or calling monster "her" babygirl, or repeating questions to her 20,30 times in a row like shes waiting for an answer, or trying to tell me things about my own kid "oh it calms her right down if I do such and such, she loveeeees such and such"...I could go on and on and on for days. ANd to most people I realize, it looks totally illogical, crazy even that such petty things would make me feel like plucking my eyeballs out with a fork. But they do. These things create an evil feeling in me..to the point where I want to snatch monster and run away screaming and never ever come back.


But I don't. I grit my teeth and let her do it. I put my foot down about the hands in the mouth thing, and a few other things..but for the most part I keep shut up and ignore the evil stabby feelings inside. Because I know they are illogical and no doubt, hormonal. I have no advice. Other than to pick your battles..safety issues , or for me nutrition things and toys/baby crap cuz I am particular about those things..and let the rest go. Easier said than done. But it helps me to vent to my own mom . Also, I get sick satisfaction in making sure she is wearing an "I love my mommy" type outfit whenever she goes over there. :lmao:


I am positive it will go away. Because look, all these moms in here can't even remember what it was like to feel those feelings :huggy:

But I don't. I grit my teeth and let her do it. I put my foot down about the hands in the mouth thing, and a few other things..but for the most part I keep shut up and ignore the evil stabby feelings inside. Because I know they are illogical and no doubt, hormonal. I have no advice. Other than to pick your battles..safety issues , or for me nutrition things and toys/baby crap cuz I am particular about those things..and let the rest go. Easier said than done. But it helps me to vent to my own mom . Also, I get sick satisfaction in making sure she is wearing an "I love my mommy" type outfit whenever she goes over there. :lmao:
Perfect way to handle it! :clap:

I am positive it will go away. Because look, all these moms in here can't even remember what it was like to feel those feelings :huggy:
Bullhocky, we remember. We are just wise enough in our years to recognize the hang-ups you express are more the result of being a new, insecure mother rather than really problems with the M-I-L.

We were insecure defense new moms ones too. You'll see things differently in a decade or so once you have more experience under your belt.

I have a different take. When my son was born, I was a 19 year old nucklehead living half the country away from anyone I was related to by either biology or marriage (except my equally nuckleheaded husband). Sitting up at night with a crying infant that I had no idea what to do with, exhausted to the point of psychosis, I'd have given anything for my Mom or MIL to come tell me what to do, hook me up with some clean laundry, a hot meal, and a vacuumed floor.

So when Dougie was 2 weeks old and my Mom finally did come, I let her have at it. I don't remember feeling possessive about the baby or insecure in my new role as mother, I just remember feeling like a total dopehead and thrilled that someone experienced and more energetic than me was there to help.

Now, of course, she is 28 years older and not as, um, cognizant as she once was. But back then, she was on it and I was grateful.

I will have you know that I have now gone FOUR week long visits with my mother, the remote controller, without having a single cross word with her. I think if I can do that, you can certainly behave with your MIL for a few days.

Of course, I made merciless fun of her and had several belly laughs at her expense, but I didn't get mad or even irritable. She was pretty pissed, but I was calm and serene. :angel:

I do not like her doing my laundry, not because I'm worried about her seeing my undiepants but because she doesn't sort. My Dad has more pink t-shirts than anyone you've ever seen. So when she told me to go get my things so she could wash them, I just told her no, I'll do them when I get home. She insisted, I said no, I'm ticky about my laundry. She started getting bent, I asked her if she was seriously going to have a fit because I wouldn't let her wash my clothes. She proceeded to have a fit and I said, well, I guess that answers my question.

My dad was howling :lmao:

At one point she wanted to drive my rental car for whatever reason. I told her no, it's a rental and she wasn't on the insurance. This was right after she told me her car was in the shop because - ready? - she'd driven it into a concrete wall.

Really.

She huffed and said, "You act like I'm retarded." I replied, "No, YOU act like you're retarded." This made my dad and I both crack up laughing, and she pouted until we'd recovered, then all was well.

But I did not get cross or feel frustrated in any way. And I think if I can deal with that crazy person, you can deal with someone who's actually trying to be nice. Just tell her you're ticky about your laundry - make it your problem and not hers.

Does your mom cry? Mine does and it makes me feel guilty and I often conceed or apologize when I shouldn't. Tell me how to not give a crap!!!!

Does your mom cry? Mine does and it makes me feel guilty and I often conceed or apologize when I shouldn't. Tell me how to not give a crap!!!!

She doesn't cry because she knows I'm immune to blatant manipulation tactics, but she tries to guilt me in other ways, which I ignore.

Now my daughter tries that crap - "OMG, you're acting just like Grannie!" in hopes I'll be so horrified at the thought that I'll stop doing whatever it is she doesn't want me to do. I just tell her to shut up.

I believe I know the answer to that.

When I stayed with my daughter, there was a bed in Riggs' room that I slept on. He wakes up in the morning, I hear him first, we chat for awhile, then I do his morning tending while Mommy and Dad sleep in.

When we were all at my Mom's house or when I'm at my son and DIL's, he sleeps in a portacrib in my room for that same reason - so I can get him when he first wakes up.

So I suspect Pelers' MIL wants to make sure she hears the grandtot first so she can have the morning with him and let Pelers and Mr. Pelers sleep in. My Mom used to do the same thing when my kids were little.


:yay: I get that - if the extra bed is in the baby's room already. Or if you are with him someplace else, of course.

But Pelers kind of makes it sound like the grandmother wants to take over all the duties of mom while she's there.

I dunno. My mom was nearby when I had Thing1 and so she had opportunity to see him a lot. We moved to FL and the kids got to see her a lot there, too.

MIL was in Mon-fricking-tana and she didn't lift a finger to help with Thing1 as a bebe when she came to visit. In fact, years later when the EX was getting ready to have his retirement ceremony - she visited for a WHOLE WEEK before the shingdig. She didn't help with the kids or take them places, or do anything for them then either. In fact, she'd get out her box of cheese nip snacks in the afternoon and hell if she'd even offer some to the boyz! :rolleyes:

Dang heifer. :biggrin:

I don't have any advice sorry :( However I love my mother-inlaw !!I'd be lost without her! I don't have my mother around so she has been a blessing.

I don't have a MIL as she passed two years ago. Although there was a 6hr drive between us, the kids did make the trips up to see her with their father (for extended weekends). And she would come down to visit. When we made the trips together a few times before she passed, it was a very you do your thing type of situation and she would help out whenever. The girls were about 5yrs old so the whole baby stage had come and gone and they had (and still have) no problem voicing what they wanted/needed. So there was no real "hogging" of the kids, and with twins, it can be overwhelming so I didn't expect her to try and take over either. Everytime I would try and help out around her house, she would tell me go relax and if she needed help she would call and actually had the kids help more than me which in turn meant they left mommy and daddy alone.:yahoo:

I do agree with most posters when they say lay some ground rules as far as sticking to a schedule and asking if she wants to help with the house chores, and as far as laundry... I would make sure everything you don't want her washing is either washed or hidden. All you can do is voice your concerns and hope she respects your rules/concerns as it's your and your husband's house and child.

BTW How'd finger painting go?!?!? :lmao:

But Pelers kind of makes it sound like the grandmother wants to take over all the duties of mom while she's there.

She probably does.

And she also probably knows that if bebe is sleeping in his own room, Pelers will get up with him in the morning because she'll hear him first, which prevents Grandma from being able to get up with him. When my kids were young, at my Mom's house they slept in the room next to my folks. My husband and I were in the basement. :lol: And when they came to visit, my Mom would make absolutely sure that she woke the second she heard any peeps coming out of children in the morning.

But I never had a problem with her doing the morning thing. Even if I'd wake up, I was content to let her feed, water and diaper while I enjoyed my coffee in another room. My Mom and I had a thousand conflicts, but that was never one of them.

And here I've always assumed that the rants you make on your MIL were/are part of your schtick. I never realized that you really disliked her that much.
You know, when I make the stories about my wife, they are mostly for fun, she is one of the most wonderful women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. (certain stories are true, like her zip lock ocd thing and when I vaccumm packed all of her panties.. those are real)
The jokes I make about skillet girl are mostly true, but spun a bit to make them interesting. (she gets her learners permit on Monday, she will be driving the Dually to learn, watch for stories) oh, and if I go a few days with out stories, show concern....

anyway, when it comes to my MIL, its more true than fable. we tolerate each other but neither one trusts the other, or for that matter much likes the other.
And yes, I would have loved to keep my ex MIL, now she was the greatest MIL anyone could ever wish to have,, and she was a milf.

and she was a milf.

Wouldn't that be a MILILF?












Ew, I just grossed myself out.

She probably does.

And she also probably knows that if bebe is sleeping in his own room, Pelers will get up with him in the morning because she'll hear him first, which prevents Grandma from being able to get up with him. When my kids were young, at my Mom's house they slept in the room next to my folks. My husband and I were in the basement. :lol: And when they came to visit, my Mom would make absolutely sure that she woke the second she heard any peeps coming out of children in the morning.

But I never had a problem with her doing the morning thing. Even if I'd wake up, I was content to let her feed, water and diaper while I enjoyed my coffee in another room. My Mom and I had a thousand conflicts, but that was never one of them.

:yay:

You know, when I make the stories about my wife, they are mostly for fun, she is one of the most wonderful women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. (certain stories are true, like her zip lock ocd thing and when I vaccumm packed all of her panties.. those are real)
The jokes I make about skillet girl are mostly true, but spun a bit to make them interesting. (she gets her learners permit on Monday, she will be driving the Dually to learn, watch for stories) oh, and if I go a few days with out stories, show concern....

anyway, when it comes to my MIL, its more true than fable. we tolerate each other but neither one trusts the other, or for that matter much likes the other.
And yes, I would have loved to keep my ex MIL, now she was the greatest MIL anyone could ever wish to have,, and she was a milf.

:lol:
Wouldn't that be a MILILF?


Ew, I just grossed myself out.

:jet:

Wouldn't that be a MILILF?


Ew, I just grossed myself out.

back in the day, all my friends thought those evil thoughts about her.
She was tall, blond, thin with an impressive rack that seemed to defy gravity.

Im sure she is not quite the same anymore.

BTW How'd finger painting go?!?!? :lmao:

Alas, it has not gone yet! But I have the supplies in hand and am going to be trying again today (sometime this weekend FOR SURE), hopefully. He seems to be moving from 3ish naps a day down to 2 naps, so that late afternoon catnap hasn't happened the last couple of days and he's been a little bit fussy when I pick him up from daycare.

For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

:jameo:

...damned if you do, damned if you don't...

Do you believe she trying to get under your skin by doing your laundry?





underwear/lingerie :lol:....violated?....she isn't TSA. She didn't *grope* you...hopefully


My FIL watched one my kids yesterday, while sibling #1 was at the doctor. FIL cleaned the kitchen and picked up the place. My wife and I thought it felt weird, but hey - we didn't to take the time to do it....we certainly had a lot on our minds as it was. Just say, thanks!