Would you wreck your retirement fund to pay for your daughter's "dream" wedding?


Traditionally the bride’s family is tasked with footing the wedding bill, but the troubled economy means many families are unable to afford both their children’s nuptials and their impending retirement. For proud parents, the topic can be a difficult one to discuss, but experts say honesty is the best policy.

“I’ve seen a few cases where a bride would make all these big wedding plans and then six months later, her parents would say, ‘We know we promised you $50,000, but we can only come up with $5,000,’” says Bill Hammer, certified financial planner and vice president of wealth management at Vanderbilt Partners in Melville, N.Y. “Once deposits have been made, it's often more expensive to cancel the wedding than to go through with it, so then you have people going into debt because they didn’t discuss things ahead of time.”



Read more: http://www.foxbusiness.com/personal-finance/2012/02/24/dad-to-daughter-your-wedding-or-my-retirement/?intcmp=obnetwork#ixzz1nc3VrIyf

That's ridiculous. Statistically the marriage will end in divorce anyway, so you get to be a broke old person eating cat chow because you funded a wedding that didn't even make it to the 5-year mark.

‘We know we promised you $50,000, but we can only come up with $5,000,’” says Bill Hammer,

The two don't really relate. The amount of money it takes for a normal type middle class wedding wouldn't make or break you for retirement. If you're already retired, your kids are a lot older and should pay for their own dayum wedding. And $50,000 for a wedding is stupid.

The two don't really relate. The amount of money it takes for a normal type middle class wedding wouldn't make or break you for retirement. If you're already retired, your kids are a lot older and should pay for their own dayum wedding.Curious... what is your estimate of what a "normal type middle class wedding" cost today?

Curious... what is your estimate of what a "normal type middle class wedding" cost today?

His post reminded me of the scene from Father of the Bride where George is envisioning cooking hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill in the back yard :lmao:

Curious... what is your estimate of what a "normal type middle class wedding" cost today?

mine was 175.00 this included the license, ceremony at the courthouse, & reception at my folks house...because her family couldn't afford bail for their son, much less to pay for a wedding...told her if it's up to me & my family to pay for it, then this is what you get....we lasted 15 years. for the record...she wasn't concerned about a big wedding & stuff...we were young & in love!!! :love::bann:

mine was 175.00 this included the license, ceremony at the courthouse, & reception at my folks house...because her family couldn't afford bail for their son, much less to pay for a wedding...told her if it's up to me & my family to pay for it, then this is what you get....we lasted 15 years. for the record...she wasn't concerned about a big wedding & stuff...we were young & in love!!! :love::bann:

Congrats on a long happy marriage but yours wouldn't be classified as a normal middle class wedding...:lol:

Curious... what is your estimate of what a "normal type middle class wedding" cost today?

Not anywhere near $50K.

Curious... what is your estimate of what a "normal type middle class wedding" cost today?

20K.... :shrug:

I like the idea of hot dogs and hamburgers out back... and the marriage certificate drawn up in crayon!! :yahoo:

Not anywhere near $50K.Agreed... but I am still curious as to how much folks think a typical middle class wedding cost today.

I got married in 1991. We invited 400, had 375 attend. We had massive amounts of liquor, were fully catered, had a DJ and rented Holy Angels Church hall in Avenue to house the reception... I did not go crazy on decorating... I kept it right around $5,000 total. It did help that my Aunt custom made my gown and my MIL did our wedding cake... but I don't think I'd get away with keeping it around 5k with today's prices if I did all of the above the same today. :ohwell:

10k reasonable for a full wedding and 375 guest?

10k reasonable for a full wedding and 375 guest?

Yep! I'd even stretch it to go as far as $15K. I've been to a few weddings in the last few years and none of them were over $15K and the average number of attendees were around 200.

mine was 175.00 this included the license, ceremony at the courthouse, & reception at my folks house...because her family couldn't afford bail for their son, much less to pay for a wedding...told her if it's up to me & my family to pay for it, then this is what you get....we lasted 15 years. for the record...she wasn't concerned about a big wedding & stuff...we were young & in love!!! :love::bann:This is my story, too.

Only it cost us $225, and a reception was at a local inexpensive restaurant. We didn't have the bail situation, either. We weren't young, but we were in loce (still are!). But everything else is the same. :yay:

Agreed... but I am still curious as to how much folks think a typical middle class wedding cost today.

I got married in 1991. We invited 400, had 375 attend. We had massive amounts of liquor, were fully catered, had a DJ and rented Holy Angels Church hall in Avenue to house the reception... I did not go crazy on decorating... I kept it right around $5,000 total. It did help that my Aunt custom made my gown and my MIL did our wedding cake... but I don't think I'd get away with keeping it around 5k with today's prices if I did all of the above the same today. :ohwell:

10k reasonable for a full wedding and 375 guest?

I know 375 people, but don't like them enough to invite them to a wedding and pay for their food and drinks.

My last wedding cost $5000 - the cost of Larry and I flying to Negril, Jamaica, staying in an inclusive resort for a week, and gettin' hitched. Marriage lasted 13 years.

My first wedding cost $50 for the JoP. We got married in my Mom's living room with a few close friends and family attending, and she cooked the reception dinner. :lol: Marriage longevity: 9 years.

So I think I got my money's worth both times. :yay:

This is my story, too.

Only it cost us $225, and a reception was at a local inexpensive restaurant. We didn't have the bail situation, either. We weren't young, but we were in loce (still are!). But everything else is the same. :yay:You did have some pretty dayum hot CFM shoes on that day... :hot:

You did have some pretty dayum hot CFM shoes on that day... :hot:I still walk with a limp because of me gnawing my foot off from those damn shoes. They were sooooo painful.

I've had 2 weddings in our family with our daughters costing between 15,000 and 20,000 dollars each. Modest at around 100+ guests and a wonderful church wedding and reception. You have to expect the happy couple to contribute to their day too. Gone and the days of Father of the Bride stuff. IT's all too expensive now. You have to cut back where you can and learn to barter if you have a service you can barter with. Print your own invitations (michaels kits) and we did our own fresh flower bouquets and arrangements. It's do'able and if you think ahead and include the couple's finances, it'll be manageable. After all... it's their day!

I've had 2 weddings in our family with our daughters costing between 15,000 and 20,000 dollars each. Modest at around 100+ guests and a wonderful church wedding and reception. You have to expect the happy couple to contribute to their day too. Gone and the days of Father of the Bride stuff. IT's all too expensive now. You have to cut back where you can and learn to barter if you have a service you can barter with. Print your own invitations (michaels kits) and we did our own fresh flower bouquets and arrangements. It's do'able and if you think ahead and include the couple's finances, it'll be manageable. After all... it's their day!Wow... you contributed over 15k and for just over 100 people and that didn't cover it all... that sounds much higher than I was thinking it should. :ohwell:

We’ve been invited to more than 40 weddings (at least) over the past 20 years and we’ve attended about ½ of them. The most expensive wedding we ever attended was over in a matter of 6 months. (rumors said it was in the $60K range 15 years ago). Only a handful of the couples are married today.

I have found the more expensive the wedding… the quicker the separation/divorce comes..... at least that has been our observation.

Sounds like if you have a daughter(s), you should start putting 2 funds away for them, a college fund and a wedding fund. I dont remember my wedding costing this much. Geez!

I've had 2 weddings in our family with our daughters costing between 15,000 and 20,000 dollars each. Modest at around 100+ guests and a wonderful church wedding and reception. You have to expect the happy couple to contribute to their day too. Gone and the days of Father of the Bride stuff. IT's all too expensive now. You have to cut back where you can and learn to barter if you have a service you can barter with. Print your own invitations (michaels kits) and we did our own fresh flower bouquets and arrangements. It's do'able and if you think ahead and include the couple's finances, it'll be manageable. After all... it's their day!
We contributed to ours. My parents gave me a budget and anythign over that we were responsible for. I wish they would have said this is the budget but if you want to skip the big ta da and just hit Vegas you can have X amount of $$$$ :lol:
Wow... you contributed over 15k and for just over 100 people and that didn't cover it all... that sounds much higher than I was thinking it should. :ohwell:

My cousin just had her wedding this past December and it was over 20k

They had the CUTEST flower girl ever too!!!

we were in loce (still are!).

Is this a Freudian slip? :eyebrow:

My daughter has been encouraged to elope and tell us about it after the fact. She has no problem with this.

Curious... what is your estimate of what a "normal type middle class wedding" cost today?Well since I'm middle class and my daughter got married about 4 years ago, I can tell you exactly what I paid for it. I gave the daughter $5,000 and about another $1000 on top of that. She got enough from the ex to pay for her wedding dress and mine went for the rental of the space and food. It was a great wedding. I figure a total of $10K, if that. If you're going to go nuts and spend 15 or 20K on a wedding, tell them to elope. Besides, I just got done paying for her college to an excess of $40K.

My Father said that he would pay for a nice Wedding, or we could opt for a JOP Wedding instead, and he would give us the difference. We opted for the JOP, and the Cash. Our Wedding Cost us $8.00, and we had fun with the Cash. This was in 1971, and I'm PROUD to say, that we are still together. As said in another Post, the more expensive it is, the Couple doesn't seem to stay together very long. Go for the JOP, and if it lasts for 10+ years, then..have a BIG celebration & let the Bride & Groom pay for it!!! :cheesy:

Our wedding was ~$3500 and we paid for it ourselves.

No way parents wreck their retirement. That option is just stupid.

Think about it. 2.5 years ago, I (not my wife) offered my daughter 5 grand to go down to the courthouse with us. She declined.

We gave a budget of 10 grand, which I thought was extravagant. The Church was free (our church). With her dress, which was beautiful and what she wanted, the reception at a reception hall, which attendees are still talking about, we still had a grand left, which the bride and groom pocketed for their honeymoon (a week long cruise).

People go crazy for weddings. Especially here in Fl, implicitly Hispanics, with no insult or malice intended.

It seems to be ingrained in Hispanic DNA to go absolutely nuts for weddings and receptions, including massive debt, often at $25,000 - $50, 000.00.

The wedding is a wedding. The receptions are a blast. But worth that much money?

Hey, we had a good time. Numerous times.

But I think not, as far as money goes.....

We got married in 1982, and I don't know exactly how much it cost. My folks offered me the choice of a wedding with pretty much all the bells and whistles, or we could keep it small and get dining room and living room furniture, carpet, etc. for our apartment. We opted for the small wedding (less than 200) with a buffet reception at the American Legion. I think some brides today pay more for their gown than my parents did for the entire wedding!! Lucky for us, so far, our daughter says she'll be happy with a ceremony and reception in the backyard!! We'll see...

Our wedding cost 40 bucks 20 for the license and 20 for the ceremony at the court house, and we are coming up on our 12th anniversary

That's ridiculous. Statistically the marriage will end in divorce anyway, so you get to be a broke old person eating cat chow because you funded a wedding that didn't even make it to the 5-year mark.

:yeahthat:

If the reason the daughter is getting married is being madly in love with the man she's marrying she won't care about the size or the cost of the wedding, and would even happily do the JP thing at the courthouse in a pair of jeans.

Now if the reason she is getting married is to have a HUGE exorbitant wedding, she probably doesn't care WHO she's marrying as long as she can marry somebody to get her fantasy wedding.

It's a no brainer.

Not going in debt up to my ass to pay for their school (am in debt enough paying for MY education), be ridiculous to do it for a wedding, and would even be MORE ludicrous if THEY went into to debt for their wedding.

My wedding was around $20K-ish....lasted 5 years....waste of money. If I ever get married again (and that's a big "if") I'm eloping.

There were about 200 guests....after feeding them, photographer, attire, cake, alcohol...it all adds up. :shrug:

Curious... what is your estimate of what a "normal type middle class wedding" cost today?

Ours is a formal wedding (200 guests) and so far we're doing a good job keeping with our $5k budget. :shrug:

Ours is a formal wedding (200 guests) and so far we're doing a good job keeping with our $5k budget. :shrug:

I have not yet received my invitation.

Is this a Freudian slip? :eyebrow:

No, a freudian slip would have been..

We were in coitus.. (and still are)..

I have not yet received my invitation.

I have not yet sent them out. :huggy:

Yep! I'd even stretch it to go as far as $15K. I've been to a few weddings in the last few years and none of them were over $15K and the average number of attendees were around 200.

We've had 200 or more at our Memorial Day parties, and paid WAAAAAAY less than 15K to have everyone over..

That includes the kid entertainment.. Moon Bounce, Cotton Candy machine, Ice machine and jello shots..

Turkeys, Butts.. Jello wrestling ring... Wet T-Shirt Contest..

ATV Mattress races...

We've had 200 or more at our Memorial Day parties, and paid WAAAAAAY less than 15K to have everyone over..

That includes the kid entertainment.. Moon Bounce, Cotton Candy machine, Ice machine and jello shots..

Turkeys, Butts.. Jello wrestling ring... Wet T-Shirt Contest..

ATV Mattress races...

:killingme

This is my story, too.

Only it cost us $225, and a reception was at a local inexpensive restaurant.





we went down the street after leaving the court house and had breakfast at iHop


:whistle:

I have not yet sent them out. :huggy:








:whistle:

DGates80 & I were living in southern CA with both of our family's in NY and Texas. We went to Vegas and got married. Before going, I ordered address labels from Current with a picture of a little boy kissing a little girl dressed up in adult wedding clothes and our married name. I had written a letter to all our families and friends stating that we eloped and mailed them from Vegas. Later in the year, my sister hosted an informal wedding party at her home for us when we went to NY.
We had to go to the town hall in Vegas and fill out paperwork. When asked how many times we had been married before, we both put 0, how many kids 0again. We were both in our 40's. We joked they probably don't see those answers very often! Or they think we are big liars!
10 years this May :-)

I was thinking that $20,000 was "normal" for a wedding these days. Just looked it up online one website said the average wedding was $26,542 but the majority of people spend between $20,000 to $30,000... there were slightly different numbers on other websites, but it was similar numbers. (I'm sure there are lots of varying statistics on this.)

My parents told me how much they could contribute, my in laws told us how much they could contribute, and then my mom and I figured out a budget from there. Then we broke it down into areas (like clothes, transportation, flowers, etc) and figured out how much we could spend in each area and then searched for our needs based on costs.

Its all doable if you just figure out how much you can spend.... without wrecking your retirement.

I was thinking that $20,000 was "normal" for a wedding these days. Just looked it up online one website said the average wedding was $26,542 but the majority of people spend between $20,000 to $30,000... there were slightly different numbers on other websites, but it was similar numbers. (I'm sure there are lots of varying statistics on this.)

My parents told me how much they could contribute, my in laws told us how much they could contribute, and then my mom and I figured out a budget from there. Then we broke it down into areas (like clothes, transportation, flowers, etc) and figured out how much we could spend in each area and then searched for our needs based on costs.

Its all doable if you just figure out how much you can spend.... without wrecking your retirement.$20K on a wedding is insane. :doh:

My daughter has been encouraged to elope and tell us about it after the fact. She has no problem with this.
When it came time for us to plan our wedding, my father offered us cash if we just wanted to elope... we were saving up for our first house so I was :yahoo:... my fiance grabbed my hand, looked me square in the eyes and said, "Yes, we can take the cash and it would help us with a down payment for a house. But a wedding gives us a once in a lifetime opportunity to have all of our friends and family stop what they are doing and acknowledge the love that we have for each other... we'll have those memories forever."

We had the big wedding. NO regrets.

$20K on a wedding is insane. :doh:
See... that is is EXACTLY why I questioned what you thought a normal middle-class wedding cost nowadays... I knew you had no clue when I say how nonchalant you were about it possibly affecting someone's retirement... :lol:

See... that is is EXACTLY why I questioned what you thought a normal middle-class wedding cost nowadays... I knew you had no clue when I say how nonchalant you were about it possibly affecting someone's retirement... :lol:
If parents are dumb enough to pay out 20K for a wedding and that 20K is seriously going to effect their retirement, then they deserve what they get. If you are rich, you can pay out 20 or 30K for a wedding. I don't know that many middle income families that can afford that much. Orrrr, maybe I'm lower income and don't know it. You really think a normal middle class wedding should cost between 20 and 30K??

If parents are dumb enough to pay out 20K for a wedding and that 20K is seriously going to effect their retirement, then they deserve what they get. If you are rich, you can pay out 20 or 30K for a wedding. I don't know that many middle income families that can afford that much. Orrrr, maybe I'm lower income and don't know it. You really think a normal middle class wedding should cost between 20 and 30K??No I don't think it should and no I do not think parents should be expected to hit what should have been their retirement fund in order to pay for an elaborate wedding. But I do know families that have spent that much and I do know parents that have went in to serious debt just to appease a child's wishes for an elaborate wedding... thus the reason for this topic of discussion.

No I don't think it should and no I do not think parents should be expected to hit what should have been their retirement fund in order to pay for an elaborate wedding. But I do know families that have spent that much and I do know parents that have went in to serious debt just to appease a child's wishes for an elaborate wedding... thus the reason for this topic of discussion.Those parents should either re-evaluate their priorities in life or have their head examined by a competent psychiatrist. :lol:

I was thinking that $20,000 was "normal" for a wedding these days. Just looked it up online one website said the average wedding was $26,542 but the majority of people spend between $20,000 to $30,000... there were slightly different numbers on other websites, but it was similar numbers. (I'm sure there are lots of varying statistics on this.)

My parents told me how much they could contribute, my in laws told us how much they could contribute, and then my mom and I figured out a budget from there. Then we broke it down into areas (like clothes, transportation, flowers, etc) and figured out how much we could spend in each area and then searched for our needs based on costs.

Its all doable if you just figure out how much you can spend.... without wrecking your retirement.
This are is relatively affluent area, in a lot of the US this is six months or more in salary.

This are is relatively affluent area, in a lot of the US this is six months or more in salary.

I just looked online, not based on any geographic area. I heard something similar on one of those wedding shows on TV.

$20,000 is almost my salary for the year. So I'm not saying its realistic for everyone, but a lot of my friends have gotten married in the last year (most in the Maryland, Delaware, Pennsylvania area) so I know what some of them have been spending. And actually most of them were well over $20,000.

Those parents should either re-evaluate their priorities in life or have their head examined by a competent psychiatrist. :lol:

Wants vs. needs.

As I tell the chicklet, see how it is to want when you don't really need it?

Her ---> :burning:

:lol:

$20K on a wedding is insane. :doh:

If you have daughters, and they want to have a traditional wedding, you may want to be prepared...

It can easily add up to $20k and that doesn't include bridal shower, engagement party, rehearsal dinner, attire for parents & other family members, wedding party gifts, rings, etc..

We recently hosted a wedding that ended up being around $20k ... granted we went for the nicer facility, full dinner, open bar, etc. but with only about 150 guests.

Breakdown of costs..

Reception Facility Rental $2500
Dinner & Hors d'oeuvres $6000
Open Bar (Top Shelf) $3700

Photographer $1750

DJ $800

Flowers
Church,Bridal Party $1075
Reception $680

Transportation
Ceremony/After Reception $950

Church Ceremony $520

Reception Decorations $500

Favors $250

Wedding Cake $225

Bridal Attire $1500
(Includes Gown,
Alterations, Veil, Shoes, Hair,
Makeup, Nails, etc.)

Invitations $400
(includes stamps)

If you have daughters, and they want to have a traditional wedding, you may want to be prepared...

It can easily add up to $20k and that doesn't include bridal shower, engagement party, rehearsal dinner, attire for parents & other family members, wedding party gifts, rings, etc..
I have a daughter and gave her away at her wedding 4 years ago. She got married to her husband right after they both graduated college and both working. I paid out over 42K in college tuition, not to mention living expenses. Told her I would put $5K towards her wedding. What she did with it was up to her. When you come to the end of the money, you do what you can. And this was all after a very messy divorce in which the ex took every penny and left me with both kids to finish raising. If my daughter would have come up with a 20K wedding after all that, I would have asked her where she was going to get the money. but....since I raised her, she had common sense and good spending habits. With all that said, we rented a 3 story place near Cape Hatterus and had a great wedding even with her mother there. :lol:

I have a daughter and gave her away at her wedding 4 years ago. She got married to her husband right after they both graduated college and both working. I paid out over 42K in college tuition, not to mention living expenses. Told her I would put $5K towards her wedding. What she did with it was up to her. When you come to the end of the money, you do what you can. And this was all after a very messy divorce in which the ex took every penny and left me with both kids to finish raising. If my daughter would have come up with a 20K wedding after all that, I would have asked her where she was going to get the money. but....since I raised her, she had common sense and good spending habits. With all that said, we rented a 3 story place near Cape Hatterus and had a great wedding even with her mother there. :lol:

We offered our daughter and son-in-law a $$ amount to elope.. but they opted for the traditional wedding.. My daughter paid for half her college tuition herself, so we had some set aside for the wedding (and the groom's family pitched in) , but I was definitely shocked when I started looking at costs... We had the running joke, that as soon as you said the word "wedding" costs doubled...

My co-worker is getting ready to have girl #2. Each time he found out it was a girl he started a fund for their weddings...

We offered our daughter and son-in-law a $$ amount to elope.. but they opted for the traditional wedding.. My daughter paid for half her college tuition herself, so we had some set aside for the wedding (and the groom's family pitched in) , but I was definitely shocked when I started looking at costs... We had the running joke, that as soon as you said the word "wedding" costs doubled...Glad I only have one daughter. :lol:

Glad I only have one daughter. :lol:

me, too!!

Glad I only have one daughter. :lol:

me, too!!

I'm glad we have two sons! :killingme

Curious... what is your estimate of what a "normal type middle class wedding" cost today?


18,752 dollars

My parents paid for my wedding, and my husband's parents paid for our rehersal dinner. I don't have a daughter, but if I did I think that is what we would be expected to do.

Curious... what is your estimate of what a "normal type middle class wedding" cost today?

I would make her a deal, they pay for their own wedding and I will pay for the legal costs of the Divorce.

That's ridiculous. Statistically the marriage will end in divorce anyway, so you get to be a broke old person eating cat chow because you funded a wedding that didn't even make it to the 5-year mark.

Somebody forgot to take their happy pills this morning. :huggy:

My wife and I paid for everything.

My in-laws supplied items that would normally be very expensive though.

Around $5,000 was paid out for our wedding. If my in-laws hadn't contributed what they did, the costs probably would have been around 6k-6.5k I figure.

Congrats on a long happy marriage but yours wouldn't be classified as a normal middle class wedding...:lol:

save your sanctimonious congrats for somebody that might've loved back!! It lasted 14 1/2 years longer than I had expected!! A man does less time for 2nd degree murder!! Besides, what kinda woman accepts "what do you mean you're knocked up again!!??" as a wedding proposal??:killingme

save your sanctimonious congrats for somebody that might've loved back!! It lasted 14 1/2 years longer than I had expected!! A man does less time for 2nd degree murder!! Besides, what kinda woman accepts "what do you mean you're knocked up again!!??" as a wedding proposal??:killingme

Oh stop... you posted your cost of $175 for "license, ceremony at the courthouse, & reception at my folks house" and all I said was it didn't classify as a normal middle class wedding. I was sincerely congratulating you on your marriage and low cost wedding. :lol:

Look at the bright side... yours was more snooty than Nomo's wedding/reception. Her's was "potluck" for the meal and BYOB for the bar. :doh:

BYOB for the bar. :doh:

Not that is just plain wrong. I mean, come on...eliminating the only reason that most people even attend a wedding in the first place??

Crazy..just crazy.

When it came time for us to plan our wedding, my father offered us cash if we just wanted to elope... we were saving up for our first house so I was :yahoo:... my fiance grabbed my hand, looked me square in the eyes and said, "Yes, we can take the cash and it would help us with a down payment for a house. But a wedding gives us a once in a lifetime opportunity to have all of our friends and family stop what they are doing and acknowledge the love that we have for each other... we'll have those memories forever."

We had the big wedding. NO regrets.

You should have given him a good swift kick to the crotch.