You discover you have an invasive cancer - too far gone to treat. Your time is limited. You have a loving and supportive spouse. You have a loving and supportive network of family of friends. You only have one child at home in grade school. Do you tell that child that your time is limited?

I'd make plenty of videos and buy lots and lots of cards for birthday's, holidays and other special ocassions and personalize each one. You may not be there in body, but you'll always be there in spirit.

Eventually the child would have to be told, but I wouldn't do it right away, I'd wait. You'll know when the time is right. Kids have a hard time with time, 5 minutes seems like eternity much less telling a kid you have only 8 months (as an example) to live.

Not until I was too sick for that child to not notice. However, I'd probably do something really weird like pull my child out of school and have a mother child vacation. I'd also start a diary/blog or video tape collection telling my child all the things that I remember about my childhood, what I wanted for her/him in the way of happiness,college, etc, and how much I love them.

I missed my mother most as an adult. I wish she had had the time to tell me things as an adult. Love, relationships, friendships, recipes. Who she knew and where she went. What events shaped her life the most. Things like that.

Without a doubt YES. The child needs to know and accept the fact that his/her parent is dying. I believe the opportunity to accept this fact WITH the support of the dying parent is crucial.

Yes. I would tell my child. My child would see that I was sick, and I wouldn't want him/her to be misled, and think that I would get better. It would be a good time to teach my child about life/death/faith and love, and the last teaching I would be able to do on this earth. Yes, I would tell them.

Without a doubt YES. The child needs to know and accept the fact that his/her parent is dying. I believe the opportunity to accept this fact WITH the support of the dying parent is crucial.
This is how I feel.
The person in question went from diagnosis to death in only 3 months. Her child knew she was very ill, but didn't know she was dying. We had to be careful what we did and said because he didn't know. I'm sure his family knows him better than I and chose what they felt was the best course for him. I asked my kids and they all said they would want to know. They wouldn't want to waste a minute.

How old is the child? I remember when Dyl was sick, I didn't tell my kids just how bad he was until the week he passed. Those 3 days from the time I told them until the day he died seemed like an eternity.

I agree with Mig. They may want to tell the child that they are sick, but maybe hold off on all the details they absolutely have to tell them. No one ever knows how much time they have on this earth.

How old is the child? I remember when Dyl was sick, I didn't tell my kids just how bad he was until the week he passed. Those 3 days from the time I told them until the day he died seemed like an eternity.

I agree with Mig. They may want to tell the child that they are sick, but maybe hold off on all the details they absolutely have to tell them. No one ever knows how much time they have on this earth.
He is 9. I believe they wanted every day to be as normal as possible for him.

It would be a good time to teach my child about life/death/faith and love, and the last teaching I would be able to do on this earth.
Exactly. Death is a part of the circle of life. Who better to help my child understand this than me? Months of knowing gives that child the opportunity to think it through and to ask all those questions that would go unanswered if I was gone and to say all those things that would be left unsaid.

I’ve been in this situation with my mother and having to tell my young sister. I saw a big change in my sister with the news of just being sick to “she’s dying.” My sister was afraid and the fear was clearly seen when she visited her in her bed.

I decided that if I was ever in that position I would wait until I was really sick to tell my children, and I mean sick to the point that I just knew I’d be in bed before long, sick.

Gosh this thread is sad. :ohwell: Awful to think about these sorts of things, but it seems like so many people are finding out they have cancer and dying within a month or so lately.

I’ve been in this situation with my mother and having to tell my young sister. I saw a big change in my sister with the news of just being sick to “she’s dying.” My sister was afraid and the fear was clearly seen when she visited her in her bed.

I decided that if I was ever in that position I would wait until I was really sick to tell my children, and I mean sick to the point that I just knew I’d be in bed before long, sick.

Gosh this thread is sad. :ohwell: Awful to think about these sorts of things, but it seems like so many people are finding out they have cancer and dying within a month or so lately.
She's pretty much been in the hospital these last few weeks. Such an incredible giving woman, it seems so unfair she had to suffer. The thing is I think little one knew it was bad, he's really smart, and I hope he never gets mad at his parents for not coming out and telling him. I've seen that happen.

She's pretty much been in the hospital these last few weeks. Such an incredible giving woman, it seems so unfair she had to suffer. The thing is I think little one knew it was bad, he's really smart, and I hope he never gets mad at his parents for not coming out and telling him. I've seen that happen.


If she is in bed, he needs to know, JMO. Does he at least know she "might die?" I left it at that with my sister for about a month before I said, she IS dying and the doctor's have said a few weeks.

Cancer is just so unfair, and I just don't understand how we can put a man on the moon, correct vision, but we cannot cure cancer. :ohwell:

I'd buy lots and lots of cards for birthday's, holidays and other special ocassions and personalize each one. You may not be there in body, but you'll always be there in spirit..
That would be creepy to get birthday cards from your dead mom.

I’ve been in this situation with my mother and having to tell my young sister. I saw a big change in my sister with the news of just being sick to “she’s dying.” My sister was afraid and the fear was clearly seen when she visited her in her bed.

I decided that if I was ever in that position I would wait until I was really sick to tell my children, and I mean sick to the point that I just knew I’d be in bed before long, sick.

Gosh this thread is sad. :ohwell: Awful to think about these sorts of things, but it seems like so many people are finding out they have cancer and dying within a month or so lately.
But as a mom, I'd want to get my child over the "fear". We all have to accept our mortality. I would want my child to accept even as my life nears an end, their life must go on and they must go forward. My child would not be on a "death watch" vigil at my bedside. My child would be guided to carry on a normal schedule. I believe that this would help them to get back to a normal life after I am gone rather than having the rug ripped out from under them after I am no longer there to console them.

If she is in bed, he needs to know, JMO. Does he at least know she "might die?" I left it at that with my sister for about a month before I said, she IS dying and the doctor's have said a few weeks.

Cancer is just so unfair, and I just don't understand how we can put a man on the moon, correct vision, but we cannot cure cancer. :ohwell:
She died early yesterday morning. He came to school.

I think I'd tell my kids what I knew as I knew it. That way they'd be prepared. It seems to me that it would be a lot less scary to have Mom tell you she's very ill but is going through some treatments that might make her better, etc, etc, than to just hit them with "Mommy's dying".

That's too bad about your friend, Bres. Losing a parent at any time is bad enough, but when you're a little kid.....

If she is in bed, he needs to know, JMO. Does he at least know she "might die?" I left it at that with my sister for about a month before I said, she IS dying and the doctor's have said a few weeks.

Cancer is just so unfair, and I just don't understand how we can put a man on the moon, correct vision, but we cannot cure cancer. :ohwell:


Prayers for this family that has so many tough decisions to make :flowers: I really believe however the parents want to handle it will be the right way for their child. Gut instinct is a great tool for tough decisions.

She died early yesterday morning. He came to school.
That's a shame. How's he doing?

She died early yesterday morning. He came to school.
So he came home and had to be told she was gone forever. I think that approach is going to be very hard for him to overcome.

I'd make plenty of videos and buy lots and lots of cards for birthday's, holidays and other special ocassions and personalize each one. You may not be there in body, but you'll always be there in spirit.

Eventually the child would have to be told, but I wouldn't do it right away, I'd wait. You'll know when the time is right. Kids have a hard time with time, 5 minutes seems like eternity much less telling a kid you have only 8 months (as an example) to live.

I second this notion!!!! The the opportunity to give your child the gift of not fearing death by your example. Let them know it is ok to cry and you do too, but to see life's gifts, as well. OK, I'm getting sappy now!!

That's a shame. How's he doing?
Same as he has been. A little jumpy. They didn't tell him until last night. The whole school was notified (we are a small close knit school).
He was so cute last week - his mom used to do hot lunch one day a week and it was a day with mac n cheese. He asked if the kids liked it because his mom's was soo much better. I think he knew in his heart.

The teacher he has is incredible for this situation. We just went through this 2 years ago with another mom - but she was very open about her illness and treatments with her kids. We even did a fundraiser for their education fund. One of the children was in this teacher's class and half the class is siblings of that class. The support structure is in place. That will be a blessing for this little boy.

I would definately tell the kids. I think they are alot stronger than we think. Also, I feel it gives them a chance to deal with the whole situation in thier own terms.

Same as he has been. A little jumpy. They didn't tell him until last night. The whole school was notified (we are a small close knit school).
He was so cute last week - his mom used to do hot lunch one day a week and it was a day with mac n cheese. He asked if the kids liked it because his mom's was soo much better. I think he knew in his heart.

The teacher he has is incredible for this situation. We just went through this 2 years ago with another mom - but she was very open about her illness and treatments with her kids. We even did a fundraiser for their education fund. One of the children was in this teacher's class and half the class is siblings of that class. The support structure is in place. That will be a blessing for this little boy.
It is tragic, however, hopefully he knows how much he was loved and cherished, and that his mother wanted to spare him her suffering.

So he came home and had to be told she was gone forever. I think that approach is going to be very hard for him to overcome.

I agree with that. They didn't go get him from school? Did the family know that she was in the final FINAL stages? At that point, yes, the child needed to be prepared.

It seems to me that it would be a lot less scary to have Mom tell you she's very ill but is going through some treatments that might make her better, etc, etc, than to just hit them with "Mommy's dying".

That's how I've handled it with my kids. I told them that said person is sick, even said the "C" word, and that they were going to get chemo, etc., hopefully they will get better and that we have to pray. Then, as the health deteriorated, I'd tell them, there was a set back. If said person had a good day, I'd tell them that too. My kids always knew that said person could die, but I never came out and said "he has cancer, and he's gonna die," or "he only has 6 months to live."

We've been through this with grandparents and older family members, but D was the worst. He was the same age as my youngest daughter, a very close family friend and one of their classmates. That was hard to explain, how it could happen to someone so young.

On the other hand, though, we've dealt with losses due to car accidents, my daughter lost two friends within a 5 month period last year. How do you prepare a child for that? I don't know which would be worse, preparing a child for my impending death, or just not coming home from work one day.

On the other hand, though, we've dealt with losses due to car accidents, my daughter lost two friends within a 5 month period last year. How do you prepare a child for that? I don't know which would be worse, preparing a child for my impending death, or just not coming home from work one day.

I never got to say goodbye to my mother. Worst thing ever. At least with my father we had the chance to discuss a few things before he passed.

That's how I've handled it with my kids. I told them that said person is sick, even said the "C" word, and that they were going to get chemo, etc., hopefully they will get better and that we have to pray. Then, as the health deteriorated, I'd tell them, there was a set back. If said person had a good day, I'd tell them that too. My kids always knew that said person could die, but I never came out and said "he has cancer, and he's gonna die," or "he only has 6 months to live."

That was an honest way to handle it in his case because we all had hopes that each new treatment tried on D would be the one that worked. We all had to prepare ourself that he may very well not make it, but right up until the end, we couldn't give up hope.

The support structure is in place.
I'm glad to hear that. It's going to be tough for him for awhile.

But as a mom, I'd want to get my child over the "fear". We all have to accept our mortality. I would want my child to accept even as my life nears an end, their life must go on and they must go forward. My child would not be on a "death watch" vigil at my bedside. My child would be guided to carry on a normal schedule. I believe that this would help them to get back to a normal life after I am gone rather than having the rug ripped out from under them after I am no longer there to console them.


There wasn't enough time for her to "get over” the fear at that time. My sister did go on with her life, attended school and her visits to the hospital were up to her. She really had a tough time and it is difficult to describe, even now. She would stand in the door way and was afraid to go near her.

It is difficult to know how your children are going to react or exactly what you’d do unless you’re in the situation. Just like the dying have stages they go thru, I think the loved ones go thru stages as well, like anger, fear and acceptance as well.

I’ve lost many loved ones/friends from cancer. You try to act normal around them but it is hard, most don’t, in fact many I’ve known who are now gone from cancer commented on how so-and-so hasn’t been the same around them since the news. I think it is the fear of our own immortality at any age. We are only here for a little bit, and then it is over! In a blink of an eye any one of us could be gone.

Bre,

I’m so sorry! :huggy: My thoughts and prayers are with the family.

He was so cute last week - his mom used to do hot lunch one day a week and it was a day with mac n cheese. He asked if the kids liked it because his mom's was soo much better. I think he knew in his heart.


He knew that NOBODY'S mac-n-cheese would ever be as good as his Mommy's.

This made me cry, but what a memory for him.

I agree with that. They didn't go get him from school? Did the family know that she was in the final FINAL stages? At that point, yes, the child needed to be prepared.
.
She was diagnosed in January and they told her it was too far gone, she wouldn't make it until Spring and that there was no treatment that could be done. I'm sure little words were said to start the preparation, that we others don't know about, but still...
I think its important to know so you can choose how to spend your last minutes with a loved one. Those minutes are a gift. To lose someone suddenly, with so much unsaid....that can be a horrible burden.

In my opinion, being a child that wasnt told, until the last minute- is a horrible horrible thing to do to someone. Granted, I was older than the boy who just lost his mother, I had just turned 16, and was told, "your father has x amount of days". I saw him at halloween, and 2 days before christmas is when he passed. Yes, I had more time with him, in phone conversations, as he lived in cali and I was here, than this boy had been given with his mom, but my father, and my mother (who had been seperated since I was 6 mths old) both had been talking to each other for over 8 mths, about this complete ordeal.. and never told me until halloween.

I surely hope they also let him go to the funeral, which was another mistake that my parents made, as they felt it would be "better for me" not to go to the funeral. Not a good deal. As he will probably have a hard time accepting the fact that his mother is no longer "here". He will have the memories he had with her, and such- but there is a difference between actually attending the funeral, and understanding and not going to the funeral, and having the last goodbyes, unsaid. The funeral is for the living, as all know- but it is also part of the grieving period.

To this day, it is still hard on me, as I only saw him one time from the time I was told, and never again. And with not being able to go through the "process" it is harder and took a lot longer for me to grieve. Anyway- this is not about me, but I do believe that he is old enough and smart enough to understand all the circumstances, and realize what is going on, without having to be hidden from it.

How sad that they didnt tell him. God bless him and his little heart.