I am dating a man with a 13 year old daughter. He is incredibly caring and thoughtful, which is what I love about him. However, this is also a problem.....
His daughter is the most rude, inconsiderate child I have ever met in my life. When she is around groups of people, she is very quiet, almost shy. However, when it is just us, or when her friends are over, she yells and screams at him, throws things at him and dictates what she will do and when she will be doing it. There are absolutely no boundaries.
This child is given everything single thing that she wants. She has had 4 cell phones since Christmas, wears the most expensive desinger clothes, doesn't take care of them, always "loses" them and they are immediately replaced. She has 'lost' a laptop, cell phone, digital camera and an ipod, all of which were given to her at Christmas. Yet, she still continues to receive eveything that she asks for.
Her father does everything for her. She has no chores, he washes and folds her laundry, cleans the house, cooks, and she sits on the computer while he does all of this for her. I do all of the cooking and cleaning while we are at my house (he takes her laundry home to do it for her)
I do not feel comfortable giving her chores at my house, and he has asked that I not say anything to correct her behavior, becasue he is afraid of her backlashing on me.
He says he does this out of guilt, and that he doesn't want her to choose living with his ex over living with him. SO, he sets no boundaries.
I have children of my own, and while they may be spoiled a bit materialistically, they are very polite and always willing to help. They would never think of yelling at me, let alone throw something at me!
This is all very hard to watch. I care for this man very very much, but I do not know how to deal with his daughter. It is hard for me to sit back and shut up while this child is waited on hand and foot, and wathc the total lack of respect that she has for him.
She is not this way with anyone other than her parents. The mother is not as wishy washy, and she is called a f^&%n B*$%ch by her daughter because she tries to enforce limits.
Is it worth staying in this relationship or should I run as fast as I can?????

He needs to turn her over his knee and spank her.

You need to run. Run as fast as you can.

It won't change. RUN!!!!!

It won't change. RUN!!!!!

:yeahthat:

You need to run. Run as fast as you can.

It won't change. RUN!!!!!

I have nothing to add except :yeahthat:

Imagine this kid still acting this way in her 20's. It will continue. I have first hand experience.

RUN FASTER!

Not to mention that if this guy can't even get respect out of a 13 year old kid, he's not such a prize. Real guys make their kids behave.

Real men send their spoiled rotten offspring to military school in a far away state

It won't change. RUN!!!!!:yeahthat:

Not to mention that if this guy can't even get respect out of a 13 year old kid, he's not such a prize. Real guys make their kids behave.

I think about this alot. My friends and family all tell me how much he obviously cares about me, and it is obvious to me too. He adores my children and they adore him too. This is hard, as I do not WANT to end things, but I am so irritated watching her be catered to and so demanding and give nothing in return. I have tried to take the "it's none of my business" attitude, but this affects all of us.
I don't want to hurt him or MY kids, but I am wearing thin!

I think about this alot. My friends and family all tell me how much he obviously cares about me, and it is obvious to me too. He adores my children and they adore him too. This is hard, as I do not WANT to end things, but I am so irritated watching her be catered to and so demanding and give nothing in return. I have tried to take the "it's none of my business" attitude, but this affects all of us.
I don't want to hurt him or MY kids, but I am wearing thin!
You AND your kids will be sorry in the long run if you let this pass and marry this guy. The daughter isn't going anywhere. She will be in your life forever, making the same demands and pulling the same crap. You're in love now, but that will change when you've had enough.

Maybe instead of calling it quits, you can just back off a bit. Know there's no real future, but just enjoy each other now. When the daughter acts the ass, leave and go home. There's no law that says you have to have a relationship with the daughter - you can just be a girlfriend and enjoy the part you like.

I think about this alot. My friends and family all tell me how much he obviously cares about me, and it is obvious to me too. He adores my children and they adore him too. This is hard, as I do not WANT to end things, but I am so irritated watching her be catered to and so demanding and give nothing in return. I have tried to take the "it's none of my business" attitude, but this affects all of us.
I don't want to hurt him or MY kids, but I am wearing thin!

Send her to lumberjack camp!

Try talking to him alone quietly about this and when your done, then pack up and run like hell. Once you tell him how you feel and he tells you to butt out or mind your own business, youll know what to do. Good luck. If you stay, be prepared to post bail for her one day.

You AND your kids will be sorry in the long run if you let this pass and marry this guy. The daughter isn't going anywhere. She will be in your life forever, making the same demands and pulling the same crap. You're in love now, but that will change when you've had enough.

Maybe instead of calling it quits, you can just back off a bit. Know there's no real future, but just enjoy each other now. When the daughter acts the ass, leave and go home. There's no law that says you have to have a relationship with the daughter - you can just be a girlfriend and enjoy the part you like.

I guess what it comes down to is knowing that I should end it, beacuse I know that I can't make him change, nor do I want to go round and round with his daughter. He shows no signs of wanting to change her and says her behavior is 'normal teenage behavior' No matter what, she is blood, and blood is thicker than water. It's just a shame that a hateful 13 year old has the power to ruin what otherwise is a good relationship.

Imagine this kid still acting this way in her 20's. It will continue. I have first hand experience.

RUN FASTER!
How did you deal with it? Did it ever get better????

I think about this alot. My friends and family all tell me how much he obviously cares about me, and it is obvious to me too. He adores my children and they adore him too. This is hard, as I do not WANT to end things, but I am so irritated watching her be catered to and so demanding and give nothing in return. I have tried to take the "it's none of my business" attitude, but this affects all of us.
I don't want to hurt him or MY kids, but I am wearing thin!
Cut your loses NOW. Your kids are YOUR primary focus... not your love life. It is not fair to them to throw them into this mess. Run like hell.

I guess what it comes down to is knowing that I should end it, beacuse I know that I can't make him change, nor do I want to go round and round with his daughter. He shows no signs of wanting to change her and says her behavior is 'normal teenage behavior' No matter what, she is blood, and blood is thicker than water. It's just a shame that a hateful 13 year old has the power to ruin what otherwise is a good relationship.

It it complete and utter nonsense to give a 13 year old child credit for this... he is totally to blame for how she acts.

How did you deal with it? Did it ever get better????

After a few years of frustration (girls were early 20's when I met them) I told him exactly what I thought of his adult kids. I stopped seeing him, stopped going to his place and told him what a bunch of :loser: they all were.
It felt great getting it off my chest and I am telling you, it'll never change.

How did you deal with it? Did it ever get better????

Plant some drugs on her and get her arrested.....case closed! :shrug:

my chest

:hot:

It it complete and utter nonsense to give a 13 year old child credit for this... he is totally to blame for how she acts.

Right. She only acts that way because he (and her mother) allows it. If they'd taught her how to behave when she was younger, this wouldn't be an issue now.

Typically parents overindulge their children when they don't really want to deal with them. It's easier to buy them stuff than actually spend time with them and train them for adulthood. And when they become teens and you see the monster you've created, it's too late and you're stuck with what you made.

Right. She only acts that way because he (and her mother) allows it. If they'd taught her how to behave when she was younger, this wouldn't be an issue now.

Typically parents overindulge their children when they don't really want to deal with them. It's easier to buy them stuff than actually spend time with them and train them for adulthood. And when they become teens and you see the monster you've created, it's too late and you're stuck with what you made.

And you can understand the dynamics about why it is happening but it doesn't change the fact that the situation will not change, even if he says it will. It's gone on for too long. The girl knows how to manipulate the situation already.

And you can understand the dynamics about why it is happening but it doesn't change the fact that the situation will not change, even if he says it will. It's gone on for too long. The girl knows how to manipulate the situation already.

The kids are usually slightly "bratish" growing up, then the divorce happens and they manipulate both parents against each other to get more crap and away with more crap

The kids are usually slightly "bratish" growing up, then the divorce happens and they manipulate both parents against each other to get more crap and away with more crap
... and the parents enable the behavior by making excuses for them and letting them act that way. Not all teens are "bratish". It doesn't have to be the norm.

Imagine this kid still acting this way in her 20's. It will continue. I have first hand experience.

RUN FASTER!

:yeahthat:

Not to mention that if this guy can't even get respect out of a 13 year old kid, he's not such a prize. Real guys make their kids behave.

Can't say it enough......... :yeahthat: dump him or suffer the end result.............

Are you dating dancedad?

He says he does this out of guilt, and that he doesn't want her to choose living with his ex over living with him. SO, he sets no boundaries.

Is it worth staying in this relationship or should I run as fast as I can?????

I third or fourth all the others by saying

RUN! FAST!

He's already told you what he's doing. Believe him. The daugher is 13, and anyone with a 13yo knows that they can be difficult, but this is different. Daddy dear is doing her no favors by refusing to PARENT her and set limits, draw boundaries, etc. She sounds like Linda Blair when she doesn't get what she wants.

I wouldn't even let the little beast in my house, if it were me.

Do not pass go & do not collect $200 - just run!

If you two move in together or get married, your kids won't be allowed to act like his daughter, right? Do you want to put your children through all the turmoil, tension and unfairness that will come with him and his daughter?

I have a step-son who is 14, and I have 2 children of my own. There are 2 sets of rules in my house for the kids, because my husband won't discipline my step-son. My s/s is a good kid, and my husband is doing him an injustice.

Do yourself and your kids a favor, DO NOT move in or marry this guy. It's not only hard on your kids, it's hard on you. You'll end up resenting one or both of them.

It's just a shame that a hateful 13 year old has the power to ruin what otherwise is a good relationship.


I'm sorry, but this is the father's fault. She doesn't have any power he doesn't give her. He needs all the drama, otherwise, he'd have laid down the law & given her limits, etc.

He's the adult. She's the (13yo spoiled brat) monster he created.

Cut your loses NOW. Your kids are YOUR primary focus... not your love life. It is not fair to them to throw them into this mess. Run like hell.

It it complete and utter nonsense to give a 13 year old child credit for this... he is totally to blame for how she acts.

:yay: Exactly!!

Right. She only acts that way because he (and her mother) allows it. If they'd taught her how to behave when she was younger, this wouldn't be an issue now.

Typically parents overindulge their children when they don't really want to deal with them. It's easier to buy them stuff than actually spend time with them and train them for adulthood. And when they become teens and you see the monster you've created, it's too late and you're stuck with what you made.


:yeahthat:

Are you dating dancedad?

....


Nah - too easy.

....


Nah - too easy.

share..... :tantrum

... and the parents enable the behavior by making excuses for them and letting them act that way. Not all teens are "bratish". It doesn't have to be the norm.


This is so true!

You need to run. Run as fast as you can.

It won't change. RUN!!!!!

:yeahthat:

I have nothing to add except :yeahthat: And :yeahthat:

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

One thing I have learned is that the bond between a father and a daughter is stronger than the bond between the woman he is dating... by a mile.

I suggest you get out of it as soon as possible because soon you will end up resenting him for his daughter's lack of moral integrity, which, it sounds like you already have.

If you let the frustration fester, it will only get worse.... There is a fine line between love and hate and I think you are flirting with it.

I wish you luck with this situation. :huggy:

This guy sounds like an idiot. You can still spoil your child and keep them in line. She's probably giving stuff away to friends or selling it for her drug habit. She's going to continue being a nuisance. Think of it worst case. A kid this horrible could potentially slip into drugs, get knocked up, etc etc. She might just decide to stay there til at least her mid 20's and be a pain in your ass until then or even longer, when you both finally agree she needs to move out and then pay for her very expensive apartment (or maybe home!) that she insists daddy gives her.

More importantly, this will impact YOUR CHILDREN! You have 4 kids that it sounds like are far and beyond better than this little idiot. If she's oldest, you bet your ass they will look up to her. Either way, when they see how she is treated in the household, they will all feel neglected and rebel. If you care about your children and how they turn out, you will be a responsible parent and END THIS IMMEDIATELY! Who knows what kind of a long-term impact this is already having on them. Cut your losses before you let her ruin your kids.

OR you could talk to your partner and agree she needs a good ass whoopin. My mom got remarried and inherited a teen step-son who was obnoxious, spoiled and going down a very bad road. And while he is still not a model citizen, he is off drugs, holding down a job, and married with a kid on the way. He still has problems but he would be in prison if it weren't for my Mom being a complete ##### to him.

while we are all on this step mom/daughter/son stuff. Most of you know my situation. 4d and i are getting married and he has 3 sons. They live in Washington State, so things are pretty easy for now. and thier mom (4ds exwife) and 4d and i all get along ok. but what are things i need to keep in mind, you know, problems i should prepare myself for. they are 16, 12, and 8, and all 3 for now seem to be pretty good kids and respectful.

If I EVER acted like to twords my father...I would have NO teeth, no lie...and Whoa! do we even have to go to my mom??? they would have killed us...

while we are all on this step mom/daughter/son stuff. Most of you know my situation. 4d and i are getting married and he has 3 sons. They live in Washington State, so things are pretty easy for now. and thier mom (4ds exwife) and 4d and i all get along ok. but what are things i need to keep in mind, you know, problems i should prepare myself for. they are 16, 12, and 8, and all 3 for now seem to be pretty good kids and respectful.

Just make sure they don't fall in love with you :yay:

Just make sure they don't fall in love with you :yay:
errrrrr u mean fall MORE in love with me right?

errrrrr u mean fall MORE in love with me right?

It's possible you could be a GRANDMA before you are even 25 :lmao:

I'm sorry, but this is the father's fault. She doesn't have any power he doesn't give her. He needs all the drama, otherwise, he'd have laid down the law & given her limits, etc.

He's the adult. She's the (13yo spoiled brat) monster he created.

I agree, I guess I didn't choose my words wisely. Right now, I blame both parents for her behavior. However, at some point, she should be accountable for her own actions.

Someone can be raised in a total hell hole and still come out a decent person. Unfortunately, I have visions of her living with us forever because he will supply her endlessly with everything that she needs instead of urging her to go out and become a self sufficient member of society. Car, house, money......

How come I finally find a nice man and this is what happens??? #$%*&#

while we are all on this step mom/daughter/son stuff. Most of you know my situation. 4d and i are getting married and he has 3 sons. They live in Washington State, so things are pretty easy for now. and thier mom (4ds exwife) and 4d and i all get along ok. but what are things i need to keep in mind, you know, problems i should prepare myself for. they are 16, 12, and 8, and all 3 for now seem to be pretty good kids and respectful.

If they're 4d's kids, expect them to start asking you to hook them up with your friends. The younger the better...:lmao:

How come I finally find a nice man and this is what happens??? #$%*&#

just make her life a living hell until she begs to go live with mommy. Problem solved :diva:

How come I finally find a nice man and this is what happens??? #$%*&#


Don't confuse nice with pushover. If you married this guy, you could probably act just like his daughter, and he'd think it's perfectly normal.

However, at some point, she should be accountable for her own actions.

She has been taught to act out to get what she wants, and to treat other people with disrespect. Should she be accountable for the way she was raised?

Sorry - your beau gets no pass from me. He and the girl's mother made that kid what she is.

I agree, I guess I didn't choose my words wisely. Right now, I blame both parents for her behavior. However, at some point, she should be accountable for her own actions.

Someone can be raised in a total hell hole and still come out a decent person. Unfortunately, I have visions of her living with us forever because he will supply her endlessly with everything that she needs instead of urging her to go out and become a self sufficient member of society. Car, house, money......

How come I finally find a nice man and this is what happens??? #$%*&#

I aksed myself the same question. The fact that he doesn't have the balls to stand up to her points to other underlying factors that will ultimately affect your relationship in a bad way. She will always expect to be treated like #1, even after she is grown and it's time for you 2 to have an adult relationship alone.
Even though kids come first, you need to be treated like the most important person in his life and someone special. It ain't happening. Sad but true.

Don't confuse nice with pushover. If you married this guy, you could probably act just like his daughter, and he'd think it's perfectly normal.

That's not the way it works. The guy needs an outlet for his frustrations and lack of authority regarding his child. Guess who will be 'it'?

OP probably sees the signs right now but she's ignoring it.

It's possible you could be a GRANDMA before you are even 25 :lmao:

i wish! the way his 16 yr old is it could be next year! :jet:

If they're 4d's kids, expect them to start asking you to hook them up with your friends. The younger the better...:lmao:

:smack:

I am dating a man with a 13 year old daughter....

The problem isn't the daughter it is the father. I say bail or be a positive influence to affect change in his parenting skills. I certainly would not abide by his request not to challenge her or set up chores for her, she needs to learn to respect adults because they are the authority figure and she is ONLY 13.

Depends how much you want to invest in this relationship, but it's a tough road blending families with an unruly child that isn't yours.

but what are things i need to keep in mind, you know, problems i should prepare myself for. they are 16, 12, and 8, and all 3 for now seem to be pretty good kids and respectful.

They don't live anywhere near you. Can't see a whole of issues or problems arising. You may have a difference of opinion on certain things.

I guess what it comes down to is knowing that I should end it, beacuse I know that I can't make him change, nor do I want to go round and round with his daughter. He shows no signs of wanting to change her and says her behavior is 'normal teenage behavior' No matter what, she is blood, and blood is thicker than water. It's just a shame that a hateful 13 year old has the power to ruin what otherwise is a good relationship.

There is your answer right there.

They don't live anywhere near you. Can't see a whole of issues or problems arising. You may have a difference of opinion on certain things.
well, the way it is looking right now, we might move to washington next, we would still be 4-5 hours away, but there would be lots of weekend visits. i cant say this will happen since ive never been a step mom or a mom, but im hoping to leave all parental decisions to the parents unless it affects me.

I say bail or be a positive influence to affect change in his parenting skills.

There's no way in hell I'd want that headache. I say bail! I'm lucky that hubby is a good dad, because if he wasn't I wouldn't be with him. I couldn't imagine having to live with PITA step-kids or a man who let his child rule the house.

while we are all on this step mom/daughter/son stuff. Most of you know my situation. 4d and i are getting married and he has 3 sons. They live in Washington State, so things are pretty easy for now. and thier mom (4ds exwife) and 4d and i all get along ok. but what are things i need to keep in mind, you know, problems i should prepare myself for. they are 16, 12, and 8, and all 3 for now seem to be pretty good kids and respectful.

Do you make EVERY thread a kvj and 4d thread?

but im hoping to leave all parental decisions to the parents unless it affects me.

You're marrying someone with kids - all of it will have an impact on you. :biggrin:

You're marrying someone with kids - all of it will have an impact on you. :biggrin:


me thinks this is all stuff that shoulda been discussed and questioned before saying yes. I'm just sayin'.

well, the way it is looking right now, we might move to washington next, we would still be 4-5 hours away, but there would be lots of weekend visits. i cant say this will happen since ive never been a step mom or a mom, but im hoping to leave all parental decisions to the parents unless it affects me.

Don't take on the best friend role. While you and Dad can be fun to visit with you both should also know that you have an example to set and need to act like adults when the kids are visiting you.

You're marrying someone with kids - all of it will have an impact on you. :biggrin:

:yeahthat:

Do you make EVERY thread a kvj and 4d thread?

well like i said, since we were on the topic i wanted some advice.

for once im having a serious discussion and u complain :rolleyes:

me thinks this is all stuff that shoulda been discussed and questioned before saying yes. I'm just sayin'.

Good point, they definately need to have a discussion on her involvement with the kids and what he and she both expect from each other.

You're marrying someone with kids - all of it will have an impact on you. :biggrin:
well, i understand that, but lets say his 16 yr old wants a tattoo, i dont expect to have a say in it. he is their kid, and it is their decision. stuff like that.

Yeah, I kind of feel that way.

My kids are almost grown and on their own. I was kind of looking forward to living as an empty nester, or at the least, charing my life with a partner, and now there is a big chance that this child will be with us for a very long time to come. I love my kids very much but am looking forward to them starting life on their own, as adults.

I think he kind of depends on her emotionally and would NOT be as eager to kick the baby from the nest.

THe more I am writing about this, the more I am coming to grips with what needs to happen. Thank you all for your input! It's nice to know that I wasn't being unreasonable in the way that I was feeling.

well, the way it is looking right now, we might move to washington next, we would still be 4-5 hours away, but there would be lots of weekend visits. i cant say this will happen since ive never been a step mom or a mom, but im hoping to leave all parental decisions to the parents unless it affects me.

What are you, 21 or 22?

I wouldn't count on parenting a 16 year old. He'll see you as a peer, not an authority figure. Plus, no offense, but you don't have the maturity and life experience to be making decisions regarding kids that age.

So I think you're right to butt out and let them parent their children. You can be like a friend or something - big sister type.

Good point, they definately need to have a discussion on her involvement with the kids and what he and she both expect from each other.
are they def married, i dont remember reading if they were married or "together"

well, i understand that, but lets say his 16 yr old wants a tattoo, i dont expect to have a say in it. he is their kid, and it is their decision. stuff like that.

But what if Dad wants your advice or what if the 16 year old has the discussion in front of you and asks "Hey step-mom what do you think, can I?", are you just going to sit there and say nothing?

Yeah, I kind of feel that way.

My kids are almost grown and on their own. I was kind of looking forward to living as an empty nester, or at the least, charing my life with a partner, and now there is a big chance that this child will be with us for a very long time to come. I love my kids very much but am looking forward to them starting life on their own, as adults.

I think he kind of depends on her emotionally and would NOT be as eager to kick the baby from the nest.

THe more I am writing about this, the more I am coming to grips with what needs to happen. Thank you all for your input! It's nice to know that I wasn't being unreasonable in the way that I was feeling.
:huggy: hope things work out for you

If I EVER acted like to twords my father...I would have NO teeth, no lie...and Whoa! do we even have to go to my mom??? they would have killed us...

toward *** :huggy:

well, i understand that, but lets say his 16 yr old wants a tattoo, i dont expect to have a say in it. he is their kid, and it is their decision. stuff like that.
You'll have a lot more to deal with than something as frivolous as that...:eyebrow:

me thinks this is all stuff that shoulda been discussed and questioned before saying yes. I'm just sayin'.

We're not married. This is something that woudl have been ironed out WAAAAYYY before I would every make that jump!

What are you, 21 or 22?

I wouldn't count on parenting a 16 year old. He'll see you as a peer, not an authority figure. Plus, no offense, but you don't have the maturity and life experience to be making decisions regarding kids that age.

So I think you're right to butt out and let them parent their children. You can be like a friend or something - big sister type.
right, thats why i wouldnt want to make decisions, i was more looking for other problems i might have. i know i might have to partake in some decisions (if they were to come live with us i would expect to have a say in the house we choose) just things like that. thanks :huggy:

But what if Dad wants your advice or what if the 16 year old has the discussion in front of you and asks "Hey step-mom what do you think, can I?", are you just going to sit there and say nothing?
my answer will be "thats up to your Mom and Dad"

We're not married. This is something that woudl have been ironed out WAAAAYYY before I would every make that jump!


that comment was directed to kvj's questions. She shouldn't really be asking us. She should be talking to her soon to be hubby about what her role should be with his kids.

are they def married, i dont remember reading if they were married or "together"

Riverview - together; you - getting married (you and 4d need to have a discussion of expectations/involvement).

You'll have a lot more to deal with than something as frivolous as that...:eyebrow:
it was just an example

right, thats why i wouldnt want to make decisions, i was more looking for other problems i might have. i know i might have to partake in some decisions (if they were to come live with us i would expect to have a say in the house we choose) just things like that. thanks :huggy:
:eyebrow:

What kind of parenting style is 4D using at home now? :eyebrow:

that comment was directed to kvj's questions. She shouldn't really be asking us. She should be talking to her soon to be hubby about what her role should be with his kids.
we have talked about it, my question is really, what kind of problems might i run into. i wanted some advice from people who may have had thise experience :yay:

What are you, 21 or 22?

I wouldn't count on parenting a 16 year old. He'll see you as a peer, not an authority figure. Plus, no offense, but you don't have the maturity and life experience to be making decisions regarding kids that age.

So I think you're right to butt out and let them parent their children. You can be like a friend or something - big sister type.


KVJ, I didn't realize you were this young...

my answer will be "thats up to your Mom and Dad"

Good answer :yay:

we have talked about it, my question is really, what kind of problems might i run into. i wanted some advice from people who may have had thise experience :yay:


How often will they be in your care?

Thanks kvj....same to you!

THe more I am writing about this, the more I am coming to grips with what needs to happen. Thank you all for your input! It's nice to know that I wasn't being unreasonable in the way that I was feeling.

Maybe you should show him this thread. It could be an eye-opener. :lol:

my answer will be "thats up to your Mom and Dad"

That's a good way to think it will go down. But a 16 year old that is hard pressed to do something will badger the sh!t out of you and beg you to be on his side if his parents say no.

Maybe you should show him this thread. It could be an eye-opener. :lol:

:clap:

we have talked about it, my question is really, what kind of problems might i run into. i wanted some advice from people who may have had thise experience :yay:

There are a million potential problems, and things others have experienced that won't be a problem for you at all. It's really hard to tell, especially considering I don't know either of you except in cyberworld.

:shrug:

Maybe you should show him this thread. It could be an eye-opener. :lol:

The thought HAS crossed my mind! However he sees all of her behavior as "typical teenage behavior." I think no matter what, she will never be held accountable for her behavior, nor will she ever have limits.
If I had been "typical" toward my parents, I wouldn't have made it to age of 18!

That's a good way to think it will go down. But a 16 year old that is hard pressed to do something will badger the sh!t out of you and beg you to be on his side if his parents say no.

Eh. It's pretty easy to walk away from a badgering kid who's not yours.

Maybe the best advice I can give KVJ is:

If you are pressed for an opinion, always side with the parents, NEVER the kids. Even if you think Mom and Dad are being boneheads, never take the kid's part. The second you side with the kid, you become his ally - you and him against the adults.

(Unless the issue is physical abuse or something extreme like that - seems obvious but I figured I'd clarify just for the nitpickers out there.)

Eh. It's pretty easy to walk away from a badgering kid who's not yours.

Maybe the best advice I can give KVJ is:

If you are pressed for an opinion, always side with the parents, NEVER the kids. Even if you think Mom and Dad are being boneheads, never take the kid's part. The second you side with the kid, you become his ally - you and him against the adults.

(Unless the issue is physical abuse or something extreme like that - seems obvious but I figured I'd clarify just for the nitpickers out there.)
thanks :huggy:

Eh. It's pretty easy to walk away from a badgering kid who's not yours.

Maybe the best advice I can give KVJ is:

If you are pressed for an opinion, always side with the parents, NEVER the kids. Even if you think Mom and Dad are being boneheads, never take the kid's part. The second you side with the kid, you become his ally - you and him against the adults.

(Unless the issue is physical abuse or something extreme like that - seems obvious but I figured I'd clarify just for the nitpickers out there.)

I agree with your comment to always side with the parents. And you are right there are so many things that can come up that it's hard to plan for how something will happeng and I think that's what I was trying to get across when I said not to be "the friend".

Bottom line is that kvj and 4d need to have a clear understanding of how they will parent the kids as a now blended family and the children need to understand that kvj is not their equal.

My stepfather always stayed out of it, and I was a handful, believe it or not!

My stepfather always stayed out of it, and I was a handful, believe it or not!

Seriously, you....a handful....no way!

Seriously, you....a handful....no way!

No, really! :lmao:

my poor momma!

I wholeheartedly disagree with those that say to stay out of it and leave all the decisions up to the bio parents. My house, my rules. I don't care if it's Mk's kids, friends kids or my own mother. You step foot in my house, you live by my rules. Fortunately MK and I have similar parenting styles so it's been a smooth transition with both mine and his kids. We don't spank each others kids but have no problem sitting them in time out or whatever else.

I wholeheartedly disagree with those that say to stay out of it and leave all the decisions up to the bio parents. My house, my rules. I don't care if it's Mk's kids, friends kids or my own mother. You step foot in my house, you live by my rules. Fortunately MK and I have similar parenting styles so it's been a smooth transition with both mine and his kids. We don't spank each others kids but have no problem sitting them in time out or whatever else.
but like they said- im 22, i dont think a 22 year old should be parenting a 16 yr old, or even a 12 yr old... or 8 yr old. im sure we would have to agree on house rules, and we both talked about that already. but i can not parent someone elses kids, especially with no experience.

I wholeheartedly disagree with those that say to stay out of it and leave all the decisions up to the bio parents. My house, my rules. I don't care if it's Mk's kids, friends kids or my own mother. You step foot in my house, you live by my rules. Fortunately MK and I have similar parenting styles so it's been a smooth transition with both mine and his kids. We don't spank each others kids but have no problem sitting them in time out or whatever else.
WOW!
Glad I wasnt a bad girl when I was over! :lmao: Or maybe I should have been? I may have got the "whatever else"!

Good rules

WOW!
Glad I wasnt a bad girl when I was over! :lmao: Or maybe I should have been? I may have got the "whatever else"!

Good rules
i could see 4d walking in on me spanking his 16 yr old :lmao: that kid would be bad all the time!

i could see 4d walking in on me spanking his 16 yr old :lmao: that kid would be bad all the time!

girl at 16 yrs old spanking is not going to help and not an option

a "come to Jesus" talk would be more like it and then take things away!:lmao:

i could see 4d walking in on me spanking his 16 yr old :lmao: that kid would be bad all the time!

First lesson: 16 year olds don't get spanked.

:eyebrow:

What kind of parenting style is 4D using at home now? :eyebrow:

I think 4D spanks her when she's bad and also when she's good.

First lesson: 16 year olds don't get spanked.

:lmao:

I am in my thirties and still love being spanked.....:confused:

I think 4D spanks her when she's bad and also when she's good.

:lmao:

but like they said- im 22, i dont think a 22 year old should be parenting a 16 yr old, or even a 12 yr old... or 8 yr old. im sure we would have to agree on house rules, and we both talked about that already. but i can not parent someone elses kids, especially with no experience.

Well we haven't come across any huge parenting issues but there have been discipline issues with both our kids. If he's outside with a couple of them and I'm inside with a couple of them both of our kids will listen to the other. If he doesn't like what one of my kids is doing he has full right to be the adult and command the situation and the reverse is true. It comes down to adults and children and age really plays no factor.

I have an old coworker that I'm friends (who has custody of his kids who are a good deal older than mine) with and I remember giving him parenting advice on how to deal with an adolecent girl; I was in my early 20s and he was knocking on 40. Sometimes its not about age or experience but more so about common sense.

I guess the point I was trying to make is you may not have or want so much of a say in life altering paretal choices but you absolutely do a have a right to parenting choices made in your home. If he wants to let his kids act like heathens (which I'm not saying he does) and run the house that's his choice but in your home you have a choice too.

WOW!
Glad I wasnt a bad girl when I was over! :lmao: Or maybe I should have been? I may have got the "whatever else"!

Good rules

Do you need a spanking young lady? :lmao:

girl at 16 yrs old spanking is not going to help and not an option

a "come to Jesus" talk would be more like it and then take things away!:lmao:

it was a joke, i can only be serious for so long :jameo:

First lesson: 16 year olds don't get spanked.
they get whipped? :whip:

I think 4D spanks her when she's bad and also when she's good.
you know it!!
:lmao:

I am in my thirties and still love being spanked.....:confused:

:spank:

Well we haven't come across any huge parenting issues but there have been discipline issues with both our kids. If he's outside with a couple of them and I'm inside with a couple of them both of our kids will listen to the other. If he doesn't like what one of my kids is doing he has full right to be the adult and command the situation and the reverse is true. It comes down to adults and children and age really plays no factor.

I have an old coworker that I'm friends (who has custody of his kids who are a good deal older than mine) with and I remember giving him parenting advice on how to deal with an adolecent girl; I was in my early 20s and he was knocking on 40. Sometimes its not about age or experience but more so about common sense.

I guess the point I was trying to make is you may not have or want so much of a say in life altering paretal choices but you absolutely do a have a right to parenting choices made in your home. If he wants to let his kids act like heathens (which I'm not saying he does) and run the house that's his choice but in your home you have a choice too.



Do you need a spanking young lady? :lmao:


thats where agreed upon "rules" are talked about beforehand, as far as "parenting" i know im "old" enough for it. i think it does have to do with experience and age, in some ways atleast. what if his kid was 17 and i was 19? do u think a 19 yr old stepmom should really be parenting a 17 yr old? helping enforce "rules" is one thing, making life decisions is another.

:lmao:

I am in my thirties and still love being spanked.....:confused:

:moon: Will you pull my hair too please?

:moon: Will you pull my hair too please?

:hot:

oh pix, also u have kids too, you both are parents. i think that makes a difference too.


i will say, bringing our kids together now ha sbeen tough (our kitties), and we are still working on it. we just made some progress in the past 2 days :yahoo: i was worried we were going to have to give one or two of them up :frown: but things are looking up :biggrin:

oh pix, also u have kids too, you both are parents. i think that makes a difference too.


i will say, bringing our kids together now ha sbeen tough (our kitties), and we are still working on it. we just made some progress in the past 2 days :yahoo: i was worried we were going to have to give one or two of them up :frown: but things are looking up :biggrin:

Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they have parenting skills.

thats where agreed upon "rules" are talked about beforehand, as far as "parenting" i know im "old" enough for it. i think it does have to do with experience and age, in some ways atleast. what if his kid was 17 and i was 19? do u think a 19 yr old stepmom should really be parenting a 17 yr old? helping enforce "rules" is one thing, making life decisions is another.

If the step parent is making more sense than the bio parent, yes. Case in point my above referenced example. I was in my early 20s and the girl in question was 12 or so. She was very much like the OP's boyfriends daughter. Dad was biatching about her but treating her the same for many of the same reasons. I think she'd wanted a cat or something and the deal was she was to take care of it which she wasn't at all. I told him to get rid of the damn cat if she didn't take her responsibility seriously. He didn't want to be the bad guy, blah blah blah. I told him he should be her parent and not her friend and sometimes being the parent meant making choices that the kids don't like. He wasn't teaching her anything good by letting her get away with not holding up her end of the deal. I don't know what he ever did but that was very sound parenting advice from someone too inexperienced to give it. It didn't affect my life so I really don't care if he took it or not or if that girl is now a heathen. BUT if I had a personal involvement and his choices affected my quality of life I'd certainly have cared.

Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they have parenting skills.
thats true lol

thats where agreed upon "rules" are talked about beforehand, as far as "parenting" i know im "old" enough for it. i think it does have to do with experience and age, in some ways atleast. what if his kid was 17 and i was 19? do u think a 19 yr old stepmom should really be parenting a 17 yr old? helping enforce "rules" is one thing, making life decisions is another.

Don't listen to Pixie - she thinks she rules the world. You are right and she is wrong.

The end.

Whether the step is making more sense than the bio is a matter of opinion. And when it's a matter of opinion, the bio parents win.

Don't listen to Pixie - she thinks she rules the world. You are right and she is wrong.
The end.

Whether the step is making more sense than the bio is a matter of opinion. And when it's a matter of opinion, the bio parents win.

new siggy! :yahoo:

Don't listen to Pixie - she thinks she rules the world. You are right and she is wrong.

The end.

Whether the step is making more sense than the bio is a matter of opinion. And when it's a matter of opinion, the bio parents win.

When and if it affects her life her opinion absolutely matters. I don't think that I rule the world, in fact quite the contrary. When and if it affects kvj's quality of life she has a say. What if one or all of the children want to live with kvj and 4D, both parents are ok with it and think that it is best for the kids; does kvj not have a say?

When and if it affects her life her opinion absolutely matters. I don't think that I rule the world, in fact quite the contrary. When and if it affects kvj's quality of life she has a say. What if one or all of the children want to live with kvj and 4D, both parents are ok with it and think that it is best for the kids; does kvj not have a say?
i think thats something that should be discussed before marriage, and we have :yay:

When and if it affects her life her opinion absolutely matters. I don't think that I rule the world, in fact quite the contrary. When and if it affects kvj's quality of life she has a say. What if one or all of the children want to live with kvj and 4D, both parents are ok with it and think that it is best for the kids; does kvj not have a say?

This has already been discussed. If it's something that affects KVJ and her home, she will be a part of the conversation and have her say. If it's something regarding the kid alone - the example was if he wants to get a tattoo - then it will be up to the parents and she will butt out.

Reading is FUNdamental. :love:

My house, my rules.

When you have two married people living under one roof, each with a different set of rules, who wins?

When you have two married people living under one roof, each with a different set of rules, who wins?

Ummm... I think we know that answer... look who you are asking...:whip:

When you have two married people living under one roof, each with a different set of rules, who wins?
whoever can go w/o sex the longest :shrug:

When you have two married people living under one roof, each with a different set of rules, who wins?

I personally wouldn't marry (or maybe stay married to) someone who differs that much from me that there would be issues.

Ummm... I think we know that answer... look who you are asking...:whip:

I wasn't asking one person, it was a general question. Hubby and I have different parenting styles. What works for us is disciplining our own. We can offer comments, but ultimately he has no say in how I handle a situation with my daughter and visa versa.

whoever can go w/o sex the longest :shrug:

That's how we always decided. :shrug:

I wasn't asking one person, it was a general question. Hubby and I have different parenting styles. What works for us is disciplining our own. We can offer comments, but ultimately he has no say in how I handle a situation with my daughter and visa versa.
sooooo and ill use the same example i used before- lets say u both have a kid thats 16, and your hubby would allow his child to get a tattoo but you wont allow your child to? do u guys compromise, look at eachothers pov's and decide to give the same rule to both children. or do u let one of them get a tattoo and not the other? it wouldnt seem fair to me.

That's how we always decided. :shrug:
:lmao: how long have u been married? If i may ask.

This has already been discussed. If it's something that affects KVJ and her home, she will be a part of the conversation and have her say. If it's something regarding the kid alone - the example was if he wants to get a tattoo - then it will be up to the parents and she will butt out.

Reading is FUNdamental. :love:

The same can be said since you're agreeing with everything I said yet you said I was wrong. :confused: much?

What about if the kid wants to get a Lexus for his first car. Both parents think they are safe reliable, la la la and are in for half. That is a choice that does not necessarily affect the home if it can be afforded BUT it does potentially affect the marriage if the "step" thinks its excessive and that the money spent on said car would be better invested elsewhere. It's not as black and white as you people are making it.

Julz absolutely said it the best. It's a lot of hard work and a lot of give and take. If anyone is acting like queen of the world it sure ain't me because I realize that the choices I make for my child could possibly affect my spouse and will consult with him in such choices opposed to saying "my kid what I say goes!"

Don't take on the best friend role.

Or the big sister role.

Did I miss all the questions pertaining to a 22 y/o marrying someone with a 16 y/o kid?

Did I miss all the questions pertaining to a 22 y/o marrying someone with a 16 y/o kid?
:killingme

Or the big sister role.

Or the sexy babysitter role.

The same can be said since you're agreeing with everything I said yet you said I was wrong. :confused: much?

What about if the kid wants to get a Lexus for his first car. Both parents think they are safe reliable, la la la and are in for half. That is a choice that does not necessarily affect the home if it can be afforded BUT it does potentially affect the marriage if the "step" thinks its excessive and that the money spent on said car would be better invested elsewhere. It's not as black and white as you people are making it.

Julz absolutely said it the best. It's a lot of hard work and a lot of give and take. If anyone is acting like queen of the world it sure ain't me because I realize that the choices I make for my child could possibly affect my spouse and will consult with him in such choices opposed to saying "my kid what I say goes!"
4d can buy all his kids lexus!!! but that means i get a new Lexus each time a kid gets one :jet:

whoever can go w/o sex the longest :shrug:

:lol:

I personally wouldn't marry (or maybe stay married to) someone who differs that much from me that there would be issues.

We're not talking issues. I'm talking two people whose parenting styles are different. Say kid flunks a test at school - one parent wants kid to study the rest of the week, other parent does nothing. That's hardly an issue between two parents. :lol:

Or the sexy babysitter role.
desperate housewife role? :confused:

The same can be said since you're agreeing with everything I said yet you said I was wrong. :confused: much?

What about if the kid wants to get a Lexus for his first car. Both parents think they are safe reliable, la la la and are in for half. That is a choice that does not necessarily affect the home if it can be afforded BUT it does potentially affect the marriage if the "step" thinks its excessive and that the money spent on said car would be better invested elsewhere. It's not as black and white as you people are making it.

Julz absolutely said it the best. It's a lot of hard work and a lot of give and take. If anyone is acting like queen of the world it sure ain't me because I realize that the choices I make for my child could possibly affect my spouse and will consult with him in such choices opposed to saying "my kid what I say goes!"

:diva:

Or the sexy babysitter role.

Ok, that was a good one.

:rolleyes: Julz TYPED it the best, she didnt say anything :biggrin:

sooooo and ill use the same example i used before- lets say u both have a kid thats 16, and your hubby would allow his child to get a tattoo but you wont allow your child to? do u guys compromise, look at eachothers pov's and decide to give the same rule to both children. or do u let one of them get a tattoo and not the other? it wouldnt seem fair to me.

I wouldn't compromise. A 16 year-old has no business getting a tattoo, piercing or any other body modification. If hubby wanted his daughter to look like a tool, that's on him. I wouldn't divorce him over it.

We're not talking issues. I'm talking two people whose parenting styles are different. Say kid flunks a test at school - one parent wants kid to study the rest of the week, other parents does nothing. That's hardly an issue between two parents. :lol:

And that's something menial that shouldn't be an issue. Real life dictates that there will come a time when there will be issues that cross those black and white lines.

What about if the kid wants to get a Lexus for his first car. Both parents think they are safe reliable, la la la and are in for half. That is a choice that does not necessarily affect the home if it can be afforded BUT it does potentially affect the marriage if the "step" thinks its excessive and that the money spent on said car would be better invested elsewhere. It's not as black and white as you people are making it.

The scenario you gave is indeed black and white:

The step butts out.

Just because the step's opinion is that the money could be better spent doesn't make it so. To insist and make a big deal out of it is just some juvenile power play, especially if the money is there.

Ideally all married parties have their own separate "mad" money that they can spend as they please. To not do so is dumb.

I wouldn't compromise. A 16 year-old has no business getting a tattoo, piercing or any other body modification. If hubby wanted his daughter to look like a tool, that's on him. I wouldn't divorce him over it.
so your child would just have to deal with the fact that thier step/bro or step/sis gets treated differently?

i guess if u spank them hard enough when they are kids they wont question your authority :lmao:

I wasn't asking one person, it was a general question. Hubby and I have different parenting styles. What works for us is disciplining our own. We can offer comments, but ultimately he has no say in how I handle a situation with my daughter and visa versa.

So can he discipline your daughter if she does something wrong and you are not around? Or does he wait until you get home to do it?

The scenario you gave is indeed black and white:

The step butts out.

Just because the step's opinion is that the money could be better spent doesn't make it so. To insist and make a big deal out of it is just some juvenile power play, especially if the money is there.

Ideally all married parties have their own separate "mad" money that they can spend as they please. To not do so is dumb.
this is where i have to come in and say yo uare wrong. my money is my money and 4ds money is my money :diva:







and yes of course im kidding!

I wouldn't compromise. A 16 year-old has no business getting a tattoo, piercing or any other body modification. If hubby wanted his daughter to look like a tool, that's on him. I wouldn't divorce him over it.


What happens when said child is a pierced up tattooed freak and it comes time for family pictures? Are you going to start getting seperate pictures, you with yours, him with his?

It all depends on the type of relationship you have with each other. Some relationships are more practical while some are more organic.

so your child would just have to deal with the fact that thier step/bro or step/sis gets treated differently?

Pretty much. You'd be surprised how well it can work out in the end. As long as the rules - whatever they are and whoever they apply to - are consistent, kids get with the program and live with it just fine. They also learn that life isn't always fair, which is a lesson that will serve them well.

What happens when said child is a pierced up tattooed freak and it comes time for family pictures? Are you going to start getting seperate pictures, you with yours, him with his?

It all depends on the type of relationship you have with each other. Some relationships are more practical while some are more organic.
family pictures have family in them, even if u dont like the piercings/tattoos its still family and they should be in the pic. (but if they are that ugly u can always get seperate ones too so they look pretty lol)

Pretty much. You'd be surprised how well it can work out in the end. As long as the rules - whatever they are and whoever they apply to - are consistent, kids get with the program and live with it just fine. They also learn that life isn't always fair, which is a lesson that will serve them well.
:yay:

so your child would just have to deal with the fact that thier step/bro or step/sis gets treated differently?
Yep, pretty much. My daughter, so I get to decide how she's raised. So far I think I've done pretty good. She'll be a 7th grader this year and will be taking honors classes again.

The scenario you gave is indeed black and white:

The step butts out.

Just because the step's opinion is that the money could be better spent doesn't make it so. To insist and make a big deal out of it is just some juvenile power play, especially if the money is there.

Ideally all married parties have their own separate "mad" money that they can spend as they please. To not do so is dumb.


It is not black and white at all if there is a shared bank account. Say the money is there (as in doesn't put you in the red but puts you in a place where you can't enjoy something that you once did). And say one party in the marriage is indeed more financially responsible than the other. A marriage is a partnership and choices concerning big purchases should be considered together.

What happens when said child is a pierced up tattooed freak and it comes time for family pictures? Are you going to start getting seperate pictures, you with yours, him with his?

So freakin' what???

Good lord, you are such a control freak! If the kid is all tatted and pierced, you put him in the picture and who cares?? It's not like you're never going to have another family photo done ever again in your life, and it gets to be a good family laugh when the kid grows up and becomes a CPA.

Or you can submit it for his VH1 Behind the Music. :jet:

What happens when said child is a pierced up tattooed freak and it comes time for family pictures? Are you going to start getting seperate pictures, you with yours, him with his?


Why would I do that? :confused:

Geez, what happens if your kids are cute and his are ugly? Do you get separate family portraits done? Do the cute kids get the better clothes because they look better in them? Does the cute girl have to stay home and not date because the ugly girl can't catch a boyfriend?

So many decisions! :jameo:

Yep, pretty much. My daughter, so I get to decide how she's raised. So far I think I've done pretty good. She'll be a 7th grader this year and will be taking honors classes again.

Plus she's an awesome drummer :drummer:

(but if they are that ugly u can always get seperate ones too so they look pretty lol)

:photoshop: :yay:

Yep, pretty much. My daughter, so I get to decide how she's raised. So far I think I've done pretty good. She'll be a 7th grader this year and will be taking honors classes again.

You and J may be doing just fine at it but there are those that will not. Mk and I may be doing fine with our situtation while I'm sure there are those that are not. Different adults, different kids, different situations; they all dictate what the best choices are.

Geez, what happens if your kids are cute and his are ugly? Do you get separate family portraits done? Do the cute kids get the better clothes because they look better in them? Does the cute girl have to stay home and not date because the ugly girl can't catch a boyfriend?

So many decisions! :jameo:

Piercings I can handle. Ugly will not be tolerated!! :patriot:

Geez, what happens if your kids are cute and his are ugly? Do you get separate family portraits done? Do the cute kids get the better clothes because they look better in them? Does the cute girl have to stay home and not date because the ugly girl can't catch a boyfriend?

So many decisions! :jameo:

:roflmao:

:photoshop: :yay:

Piercings I can handle. Ugly will not be tolerated!! :patriot:

:killingme

Plus she's an awesome drummer :drummer:

She definitely gets that from someone other than myself. :lol:

So freakin' what???

Good lord, you are such a control freak! If the kid is all tatted and pierced, you put him in the picture and who cares?? It's not like you're never going to have another family photo done ever again in your life, and it gets to be a good family laugh when the kid grows up and becomes a CPA.

Or you can submit it for his VH1 Behind the Music. :jet:

Over react much? Funny thing is I'd picture you the type to do this. :lmao: I wasn't speaking personally at all.

Why would I do that? :confused:

I'm not saying you would. I was speaking in general terms.

It seems that in your quest to get advice you have answered your own question with what is the best thing for you and your family.

Good luck!

Geez, what happens if your kids are cute and his are ugly? Do you get separate family portraits done? Do the cute kids get the better clothes because they look better in them? Does the cute girl have to stay home and not date because the ugly girl can't catch a boyfriend?

So many decisions! :jameo:

I'm the control freak? I offered my opinion and reasoning to kvj and was grown up enough to say that different situations work for different people. You're the one I see throwing a tantrum and spouting off personal insults to try and prove you're way is the right and only way. :killingme

Piercings I can handle. Ugly will not be tolerated!! :patriot:
omg :killingme

It seems that in your quest to get advice you have answered your own question with what is the best thing for you and your family.

Good luck!

Would you like to go smoke cigarettes and giggle? :lmao:

meowwwwwwwww

Would you like to go smoke cigarettes and giggle? :lmao:

Sure :lmao:

Sure :lmao:

Heading out! :love:

Would you like to go smoke cigarettes and giggle? :lmao:
i wanna cig and to giggle :howdy:

Would you like to go smoke cigarettes and giggle? :lmao:

I read this as jiggle :lol:

I read this as jiggle :lol:

You and Pix should have a jiggle contest and I will judge.....:yay:

You and Pix should have a jiggle contest and I will judge.....:yay:
:lmao:

How things have changed. http://forums.somd.com/parenting-children/33974-bye-bye-birthday-party.html

I read this as jiggle :lol:

:lmao: I jiggle, she bounces :hot:

so your child would just have to deal with the fact that thier step/bro or step/sis gets treated differently?

i guess if u spank them hard enough when they are kids they wont question your authority :lmao:

With my ex and steps, I would stop the behavior, and she would discipline went she got back.

How things have changed. http://forums.somd.com/parenting-children/33974-bye-bye-birthday-party.html
can i get a recap? i couldnt get past the original post with all the nicknames

So the start of this thread was about a woman who had a boyfriend with a devil child. Everyone said he wouldn't do anything, the situation is bad, so you should leave him. Now it seems to be people saying the step-parent should butt out and allow the parents to do their own parenting, no matter what the situation or result.

To me it sounds like not many people are really advocating discussion or decisions here. Sure, some people told 4d and kvj to discuss stuff, but based on the following discussions it sounds more like the suggestion might be for 4d to tell kvj his plan and then kvj has to decide whether she's OK with that or if she isn't. There's no give and take, agreements, compromises, nothing! How is that healthy, regardless of the situation? Isn't marriage all about compromise? I'd think a healthy one is, but I wouldn't exactly call a bunch of marriages I've seen healthy.

Not everything is so cut and dry as a lot of you are making it seem. It's easy to just sit on a pedestal and tell people what's definitely right and definitely wrong, but I don't think there's really an answer until you experience the situation at hand. You can get as much advice as you want, but you won't know the answer until it happens and you know what's right by you.

:blahblah:

Sometimes you give me a headache, holmes!

How things have changed. http://forums.somd.com/parenting-children/33974-bye-bye-birthday-party.html

:clap:

Sometimes you give me a headache, holmes!
damnit thats what i was going to do!!!!!!!!



anyway, i dont mind butting out :biggrin: and even if i dont agree he knows he can buy me food or give me some :banana: and ill be fine

Sometimes you give me a headache, holmes!

that's my goal. hope it stings :biggrin:

that's my goal. hope it stings :biggrin:

I had to see what exactly Beta had to say about dating and kids :lmao:

How things have changed. http://forums.somd.com/parenting-children/33974-bye-bye-birthday-party.html

What? :confused:

Oh, you mean because Larry's two daughters actually lived with me and I was raising them and had since they were quite young? And that I eventually gave it up and stayed out of the parenting and let their mother and father raise them as they saw fit?

Or do you mean something else?

Help a sistah out.

So the start of this thread was about a woman who had a boyfriend with a devil child. Everyone said he wouldn't do anything, the situation is bad, so you should leave him. Now it seems to be people saying the step-parent should butt out and allow the parents to do their own parenting, no matter what the situation or result.

To me it sounds like not many people are really advocating discussion or decisions here. Sure, some people told 4d and kvj to discuss stuff, but based on the following discussions it sounds more like the suggestion might be for 4d to tell kvj his plan and then kvj has to decide whether she's OK with that or if she isn't. There's no give and take, agreements, compromises, nothing! How is that healthy, regardless of the situation? Isn't marriage all about compromise? I'd think a healthy one is, but I wouldn't exactly call a bunch of marriages I've seen healthy.

Not everything is so cut and dry as a lot of you are making it seem. It's easy to just sit on a pedestal and tell people what's definitely right and definitely wrong, but I don't think there's really an answer until you experience the situation at hand. You can get as much advice as you want, but you won't know the answer until it happens and you know what's right by you.


Mr. Beta...I gave the OP an answer based on my recent life experience and that of others I have known, through my long life. Her original question was answered on her own, before this thread jumped the shark.

Mr. Beta
I bet he likes being called that.

Mr. Beta...I gave the OP an answer based on my recent life experience and that of others I have known, through my long life. Her original question was answered on her own, before this thread jumped the shark.

Don't mind him Dye, he just like to listen to himself talk. :blahblah:

She has had 4 cell phones since Christmas, wears the most expensive desinger clothes, doesn't take care of them, always "loses" them and they are immediately replaced. She has 'lost' a laptop, cell phone, digital camera and an ipod, all of which were given to her at Christmas.

She's probably giving stuff away to friends or selling it for her drug habit.

Sorry, but nobody just "loses" that amount of expensive stuff, even if they do know that daddy will buy them another one. Beta's right; I don't know what she bought with the money, or what she traded that stuff for, but it didn't just "get lost."

Run like hell. :jameo:

The man was described as caring. I think he needs to get away from her. Raising a child is hard enough without some trifling woman getting in the way!

can i get a recap? i couldnt get past the original post with all the nicknames

Pixie does that when she's cornered and knows she's wrong - picks out some random thread and tries to pretend it means something relevant to the topic. Typically, like this latest, it completely blows her argument out the window and makes her look like a fool. But you have to give her credit for trying.

The man was described as caring. I think he needs to get away from her. Raising a child is hard enough without some trifling woman getting in the way!

I'll second that. :yay:

I have zero desire or tolerance to have anyone piss and moan about my kids. If you don't like them or how I raise them GFY and DIAF. :shrug:

However, at some point, she should be accountable for her own actions.

Someone can be raised in a total hell hole and still come out a decent person.


Oh, sure, 13 (14, 15, 16, 17, etc.) can be hell on wheels. (whee!) But he's the dad, she's the kid. She may well turn out fine later, but for now - she's spoiled rotten wicked and he's letting her rule the roost. It's a dangerous combination and just wait until she's 15. :yikes:

Yeah, I kind of feel that way.

My kids are almost grown and on their own. I was kind of looking forward to living as an empty nester, or at the least, charing my life with a partner, and now there is a big chance that this child will be with us for a very long time to come. I love my kids very much but am looking forward to them starting life on their own, as adults.

I think he kind of depends on her emotionally and would NOT be as eager to kick the baby from the nest.

THe more I am writing about this, the more I am coming to grips with what needs to happen. Thank you all for your input! It's nice to know that I wasn't being unreasonable in the way that I was feeling.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do!

Mr. Beta...I gave the OP an answer based on my recent life experience and that of others I have known, through my long life. Her original question was answered on her own, before this thread jumped the shark.
oh you were giving good advice! but now I feel old cuz i don't think anyone has called me Mr. before :frown:

I bet he likes being called that.
it was different, that's for sure! :lol:

The man was described as caring. I think he needs to get away from her. Raising a child is hard enough without some trifling woman getting in the way!
:rolleyes:

Parents who let their kids do anything they want think they care, but they don't. They aren't caring AT ALL about the kind of person their kids are growing up to be, they don't care about their kids futures...they don't care about anything but the present. And this guy certainly doesn't care about anything else in his life that much, since he allows his daughter to ruin it all. I understand the concept of kid coming first, but this is taken to the extreme.

I bet he likes being called that.

:spank:

The man was described as caring. I think he needs to get away from her. Raising a child is hard enough without some trifling woman getting in the way!

:killingme

Read her post again compensating for her likely exagerations and she just described every 13 year old in the world. Differences in parenting styles will easily create friction. It is obvious that this woman is agitated and looking for reasons to make her mans life hell. She probably already succeeded there but just needed confirmation from us. Also, because of biases in the court system, men need to be much more careful than women when it comes to protecting access to their children. It doesn't mean that they should let the child run wild but custody goes away quickly when the child doesn't have a strong desire to be with you. If the shoe was on the other foot and the daughter thought daddy was a "flaming #####", the mom would only be at the courthouse a few minutes to get full custody. It doesn't work that way for the daddy's.

Read her post again compensating for her likely exagerations and she just described every 13 year old in the world. Differences in parenting styles will easily create friction. It is obvious that this woman is agitated and looking for reasons to make her mans life hell. She probably already succeeded there but just needed confirmation from us. Also, because of biases in the court system, men need to be much more careful than women when it comes to protecting access to their children. It doesn't mean that they should let the child run wild but custody goes away quickly when the child doesn't have a strong desire to be with you. If the shoe was on the other foot and the daughter thought daddy was a "flaming #####", the mom would only be at the courthouse a few minutes to get full custody. It doesn't work that way for the daddy's.

Right, which is why I said in another post you can still spoil your kid without them being a complete #### and raise them the right way. The kid isn't going to turn down all the crap he's giving her if he says "stop losing it or I won't replace it again til next Christmas" or whatever. You can spoil a kid rotten and still have them actually behave and be a reasonable human being.

If the kid is so spoiled that they'd rather live with their apparent loser of a mother than deal with a few rules from daddy, then maybe that'd be a better lesson in life for them anyway. You're responsible for raising your child and this guy clearly isn't doing that.

Read her post again compensating for her likely exagerations and she just described every 13 year old in the world.
Not true. My mother would have smacked the crap out of me had I EVER back-talked or threw something at her. In fact, the very few times that I had the balls to back-talk her she did smack me senseless. And when I had the nerve to talk trash as I walked away, she smacked the crap out of the back of my head. So no, she's not every 13 year old in the world. She's this dude's spoiled little biatch of a 13 year old.

Not true. My mother would have smacked the crap out of me had I EVER back-talked or threw something at her. In fact, the very few times that I had the balls to back-talk her she did smack me senseless. And when I had the nerve to talk trash as I walked away, she smacked the crap out of the back of my head. So no, she's not every 13 year old in the world. She's this dude's spoiled little biatch of a 13 year old.

:yeahthat:

I also have to add that my girl(currently 16 on Sunday) has back talked me once in her life when she was about 10....I jacked her up on the wall about a foot, looked her in the eyes, and said "don't back talk me again"....she hasn't

I'm still waiting until the day I'm old enough to back-talk my mom. :lmao:

I'm still waiting until the day I'm old enough to back-talk my mom. :lmao:

I'm 43, have 5 mutts, and one grand mutt and still haven't done it with mine :lol:

Not true. My mother would have smacked the crap out of me had I EVER back-talked or threw something at her. In fact, the very few times that I had the balls to back-talk her she did smack me senseless. And when I had the nerve to talk trash as I walked away, she smacked the crap out of the back of my head. So no, she's not every 13 year old in the world. She's this dude's spoiled little biatch of a 13 year old.

So it could be said that you did back talk. An angry woman could then describe you with a little exageration as not being as special as her perfect children. Also remember your mother wasn't afraid of a nanny state social services popping in to remove you when she applied that discipline. She was also more than likely not concerned that the courts would hand you over to someone else based on a few nit picking complaints. Don't get me wrong, I would apply that same discipline and have. I just look over my back with much more concern than the average mother would have. I don't want this lady's comment that the father has concerns about this to be swept away like it doesn't exist. The nanny state and the courts bias does effect the freedom that a father should have to discipline to a much greater degree than it effects a mother. I would rather take my chances in court than let a child get out of control but the balance between prividing discipline and fighting the nanny state is my choice and not some crabby womans.

Pixie does that when she's cornered and knows she's wrong - picks out some random thread and tries to pretend it means something relevant to the topic. Typically, like this latest, it completely blows her argument out the window and makes her look like a fool. But you have to give her credit for trying.

Or you're just a nasty control freak who would cut off her nose to spite her face opposed to admit that anyone else may in fact have a valid point. The point was that you were very involved in parenting decisions that had nothing to do with your house.

You can all the opinions you want of me. :huggy:

:jerry: bring the ky pool and lets get ready to rumble!

:jerry: bring the ky pool and lets get ready to rumble!

No need, I'm done with it. I long ago accepted Vrai's bi-polar opinion of me. :yay:

:jerry: bring the ky pool and lets get ready to rumble!

Don't bring me into this :lol:

Don't bring me into this :lol:
:hot: but i need u in this :hot:

So it could be said that you did back talk. An angry woman could then describe you with a little exageration as not being as special as her perfect children. Also remember your mother wasn't afraid of a nanny state social services popping in to remove you when she applied that discipline. She was also more than likely not concerned that the courts would hand you over to someone else based on a few nit picking complaints. Don't get me wrong, I would apply that same discipline and have. I just look over my back with much more concern than the average mother would have. I don't want this lady's comment that the father has concerns about this to be swept away like it doesn't exist. The nanny state and the courts bias does effect the freedom that a father should have to discipline to a much greater degree than it effects a mother. I would rather take my chances in court than let a child get out of control but the balance between prividing discipline and fighting the nanny state is my choice and not some crabby womans.

I backtalked very little. Seriously, just a few times. I got slapped, never beaten. That's the difference.

I backtalked very little. Seriously, just a few times. I got slapped, never beaten. That's the difference.


That's the difference between what? That slap is a second degree assault. How many slaps makes a beating? Your mom broke the law. The big difference is the way the law is applied.

That's the difference between what? That slap is a second degree assault. How many slaps makes a beating? Your mom broke the law. The big difference is the way the law is applied.

OMG. Go STFU.

OMG. Go STFU.


Sorry, I shouldn't have dragged you or your mom into my example. Not really my point. The general point I am trying to make is still valid though. Fathers are starting to get some respect in the courts and for the ones that want to be involved with their children, they should get some. It's not fair to just think of fathers as only a source of money like Maryland has for years. It's also not fair to have double standards when it comes to custody and that's where the discipline double standard exists. I wanted to cut this guy some slack whether he deserves it or not.

Sorry, I shouldn't have dragged you or your mom into my example. Not really my point. The general point I am trying to make is still valid though. Fathers are starting to get some respect in the courts and for the ones that want to be involved with their children, they should get some. It's not fair to just think of fathers as only a source of money like Maryland has for years. It's also not fair to have double standards when it comes to custody and that's where the discipline double standard exists. I wanted to cut this guy some slack whether he deserves it or not.

This thread isn't about custody. It's about the fact that the father lets the child walk all over him.

Or you're just a nasty control freak who would cut off her nose to spite her face opposed to admit that anyone else may in fact have a valid point. The point was that you were very involved in parenting decisions that had nothing to do with your house.

You can all the opinions you want of me. :huggy:

Pffft. I give you credit for a good point when you make one. You're just not making one with regard to this topic.

And yes, I was involved in parenting decisions - probably because I was the parent. :yay:

That's the difference between what? That slap is a second degree assault. How many slaps makes a beating? Your mom broke the law. The big difference is the way the law is applied.

A slap hurts for a few minutes. A beating causes injury.

Smacking your kid isn't against the law. Beating them is.

This thread isn't about custody. It's about the fact that the father lets the child walk all over him.


She said the the father didn't want the child choosing to live with the mother over living with him. That is very much a custody issue. It was a minor point in the discussion but to me a very important one. That would never happen without the backing of a court if he insisted on having custody. It is a touchy subject for a father facing this in court. Not so much for a mother.

A slap hurts for a few minutes. A beating causes injury.

Smacking your kid isn't against the law. Beating them is.

True and as it should be. However if you so much as touch another person and somebody wants to file a police report, you are technically able to be charged with second degree assault. Guilty or not gets to be decided after the legal expences are paid.

She said the the father didn't want the child choosing to live with the mother over living with him. That is very much a custody issue. It was a minor point in the discussion but to me a very important one. That would never happen without the backing of a court if he insisted on having custody. It is a touchy subject for a father facing this in court. Not so much for a mother.

He doesn't have to smack the child to punish her.

He doesn't have to smack the child to punish her.


Agreed. He should be doing better. I just want to make the point that real or imagined, a father does have concerns about keeping custody that a mother probably never has cross her mind. While I may have gone too far to make my point, I can say I have lived this and it is always in the back of your mind. I think I am doing a little better than this guy though but others may disagree.

Pffft. I give you credit for a good point when you make one. You're just not making one with regard to this topic.

And yes, I was involved in parenting decisions - probably because I was the parent. :yay:

You are the step parent of Larry's kids and according to your own words you should have butt the heck out.

I made a fabulous point, step parents should have a say in certain situations. In your situation you had a say and knowing you I doubt you'd have had it any other way. It's not as black and white, one way or the other. Different situations call for different levels of involvement. :yay:

Read her post again compensating for her likely exagerations and she just described every 13 year old in the world. Differences in parenting styles will easily create friction. It is obvious that this woman is agitated and looking for reasons to make her mans life hell. She probably already succeeded there but just needed confirmation from us. Also, because of biases in the court system, men need to be much more careful than women when it comes to protecting access to their children. It doesn't mean that they should let the child run wild but custody goes away quickly when the child doesn't have a strong desire to be with you. If the shoe was on the other foot and the daughter thought daddy was a "flaming #####", the mom would only be at the courthouse a few minutes to get full custody. It doesn't work that way for the daddy's.
MOredB...you have absolutley no idea what you are talking about. Possiblya bitter divorce/custody battle in your past, eh?

There are no exagerations in what I have posted. Throwing things at your parents, screaming at them, and calling your mother a F*&%ing b%#$ch IS NOT 'normal teenage behavior'. If that is the behavior in your household, then God help your children as they become adults! This child needs structure and discipline, and she is not getting it consistently in either household. She is setting all of her own rules and her parents are too bent on being the most popular parent and 'winning out' over the other. Neither parenty wants to be the 'bad guy' and set rules of which she should abide. I'm not talking prison rules, but common courtesy and respect should be taught to every child. I would be mortified if my child spoke to me the way she does the both of them.
You are basiclally saying that the child should have no limits, and that they be allowed to 'dictate' which parent gets physical custody by manipulating the other parent with her horrendous behavior. Whoever gives the most and allows the most freedom wins her love. What a prize!
He adores my children and tells me ALL the time what a fantastic mother I am. He appreciates the respect that my children show me, but is afraid of losing his own daughter by enforcing rules and asking for her respect.
That is sad.

She said the the father didn't want the child choosing to live with the mother over living with him. That is very much a custody issue. It was a minor point in the discussion but to me a very important one. That would never happen without the backing of a court if he insisted on having custody. It is a touchy subject for a father facing this in court. Not so much for a mother.

Right now, custody is shared. I do not think the wife woudl mind givinghim full physical custody as long as visitation was given, as no child support is involved. This is not a custody issue. It is that the girl KNOWS she can maniluplate her father and act as she does, becuase he woudl be devastated should she ever say "I want to live with Mom full time". When he tells her she is not allowed to do something (which is not often) all she has to do is say...I'm going to Moms.

The mom doesn't care too much when or what she does as long as she has her own partying time. Last week Dad told her she could not go somewhere with a friend, she merely shrugged her shoulders and went anyway. He said nothing.

Pure manipulation. And there is no exageration in all of the expensive items that have been lost and replaced. I was with him when he bought them, and with him when he replaced them. I do not think she is selling them, or even trading them. She just merely leaves them where ever and forgets about them. She doesn't have to be accountable for any of them, as she know it will all be replaced, no questions asked.

$350 ipod gone within a week after Christmas, never to be seen again. 4 cell phones, the most recent purchased just last week. And she has the nerve to tell him not to call her because he is bugging her.

Typical teenage behavior or spoiled child?

He appreciates the respect that my children show me, but is afraid of losing his own daughter by enforcing rules and asking for her respect.
That is sad.

Then get rid of him. It's that easy. Why would you want to be with someone who has a devil child? Do you think that he's going to miraculously change his ways just because you don't like his style of parenting? You either accept it or move on. Easy peasy. :shrug:

Then get rid of him. It's that easy. Why would you want to be with someone who has a devil child? Do you think that he's going to miraculously change his ways just because you don't like his style of parenting? You either accept it or move on. Easy peasy. :shrug:

Not so easy when you hope for the best but she will eventually come to that conclusion.

Not so easy when you hope for the best but she will eventually come to that conclusion.

Hoping ain't getting, ya know? I learned that the hard way. :jet:

Maybe I am in a particularly cantankaraus point in my journey through life, but no way, no how, would I get involved with the raising of any man's child nor would I deal well with any stupid man telling me how I should raise my own children. If they're not my kids, not my business. If they're my kids and not your's mind your own business.

If he couldn't handle his own kid then I probably wouldn't bother with him anyway since he would come off as a bit of a pansy and that is just icky.

Hoping ain't getting, ya know? I learned that the hard way. :jet:

Maybe I am in a particularly cantankaraus point in my journey through life, but no way, no how, would I get involved with the raising of any man's child nor would I deal well with any stupid man telling me how I should raise my own children. If they're not my kids, not my business. If they're my kids and not your's mind your own business.

If he couldn't handle his own kid then I probably wouldn't bother with him anyway since he would come off as a bit of a pansy and that is just icky.

See? You also had hope. We need to learn that lesson the hard way, it seems. I hope she's got good friends for support :love:

Not so easy when you hope for the best but she will eventually come to that conclusion.

You are right...it's not that easy. If he were a complete ass, it would be easy. But he is a very nice man.

I do care for him and his daughter, I just wish things were different. I do not know how to help and do not know how to handle the total disrespect and irresponsiblity.

I had two 13 year olds....I know there will be 'back talk' and I have 'counted to ten' more than once. Pick your battles. This is different.

I can't tell you how many times I have had to say NO to my children. At times, it is hard, because you just want to see htem be happy. I have told them if they really wanted something badly enough, they will have to save for it. Not because I couldn't afford it, but because I want them to knwo what is it like to have to be self sufficient and budget their own money. And they have had things taken away for not getting homework finished, not doing chores, etc. All a part of growing up.

I do not belive in smacking a child and at 13, she is too old to be spanked. I think a lot more can be accomplished by talking, reasoning and setting limits and consequences. Limits can be set by taking away sleepovers, cancelling parties, etc. and responsibilty can be taught by not replacing items that were neglectfully cared for.

If he tried this and stuck to it, maybe she would move in with her Mom and see that life is not so fun when no one at home cares.

My son has seen her behavior and THANKED ME for having set limits for him, as she is the walking example of what happens when you do not have any.

You are right...it's not that easy. If he were a complete ass, it would be easy. But he is a very nice man.

I do care for him and his daughter, I just wish things were different. I do not know how to help and do not know how to handle the total disrespect and irresponsiblity.

I had two 13 year olds....I know there will be 'back talk' and I have 'counted to ten' more than once. Pick your battles. This is different.

I can't tell you how many times I have had to say NO to my children. At times, it is hard, because you just want to see htem be happy. I have told them if they really wanted something badly enough, they will have to save for it. Not because I couldn't afford it, but because I want them to knwo what is it like to have to be self sufficient and budget their own money. And they have had things taken away for not getting homework finished, not doing chores, etc. All a part of growing up.

I do not belive in smacking a child and at 13, she is too old to be spanked. I think a lot more can be accomplished by talking, reasoning and setting limits and consequences. Limits can be set by taking away sleepovers, cancelling parties, etc. and responsibilty can be taught by not replacing items that were neglectfully cared for.

If he tried this and stuck to it, maybe she would move in with her Mom and see that life is not so fun when no one at home cares.

My son has seen her behavior and THANKED ME for having set limits for him, as she is the walking example of what happens when you do not have any.

I understand 110%. I was in your place last year except his kids were early 20's. That's how I know how this girl is most likely to be in a few years. All the caring in the world won't help. It sucks. But now I am having fun again and the weight of all that crap has lifted. Move on and you'll see! :huggy:

Hoping ain't getting, ya know? I learned that the hard way. :jet:

Maybe I am in a particularly cantankaraus point in my journey through life, but no way, no how, would I get involved with the raising of any man's child nor would I deal well with any stupid man telling me how I should raise my own children. If they're not my kids, not my business. If they're my kids and not your's mind your own business.

If he couldn't handle his own kid then I probably wouldn't bother with him anyway since he would come off as a bit of a pansy and that is just icky.

I've tried the 'not my business' way of thinking, but when it affects everyone in the house, it's hard not to make it my business.

Pansy...not really, but too kind, yes. I have dated some real arrogant, self centered a**holes in my life, and part of what attracted me to him was his kind demeanor. Unfortunatley, it is also what causing problmes at the time. He needs to be her parent first, friend second.

I'm a nice person, but I would never let my kids walk all over me like this.

I'm sorry that you are at that stage in your life. I have had times when I felt that life on my own would be WAY easier(yesterday definitely was one of them)! But the good days with HIM are pretty darned plentiful. It's learning how to deal with the bad that I am struggling with right now.

I understand 110%. I was in your place last year except his kids were early 20's. That's how I know how this girl is most likely to be in a few years. All the caring in the world won't help. It sucks. But now I am having fun again and the weight of all that crap has lifted. Move on and you'll see! :huggy:


Did you move on because of his kids? I do not doubt that I will have fun with or without him. Thats not the issue. I care for him very much, that is what makes it hard.

I am struggling with "taking the good with the bad" and "just screw it" attitudes!

Did you move on because of his kids? I do not doubt that I will have fun with or without him. Thats not the issue. I care for him very much, that is what makes it hard.

I am struggling with "taking the good with the bad" and "just screw it" attitudes!

His adult kids were the major issue, after he let a 25 yr. old move back in because she is too lazy to work. He'll pay her cell, smokes, food and after I have seen this happen 3 times in 3 years I knew it wasn't changing, even with adult kids. I told him to get her lazy ass in the system and stop covering for her. He agreed but it was just lip service. He never did it in 3 years. There's much more to the story but it doesn't matter. This is the man I thought was for the rest of my life so I do know how you feel. You can take it for only so long.

His adult kids were the major issue, after he let a 25 yr. old move back in because she is too lazy to work. He'll pay her cell, smokes, food and after I have seen this happen 3 times in 3 years I knew it wasn't changing, even with adult kids. I told him to get her lazy ass in the system and stop covering for her. He agreed but it was just lip service. He never did it in 3 years. There's much more to the story but it doesn't matter. This is the man I thought was for the rest of my life so I do know how you feel. You can take it for only so long.

Nooooooo!!!!!!!! Please tell me it isn't so!
My gut tells me that this is what I am probably heading towards.
My kids can't wait to move out 'to the big city' but I have a feeling home is where she will always be! Aaarrgghh! Nice and comfy cozy. Too cozy.

Nooooooo!!!!!!!! Please tell me it isn't so!
My gut tells me that this is what I am probably heading towards.
My kids can't wait to move out 'to the big city' but I have a feeling home is where she will always be! Aaarrgghh! Nice and comfy cozy. Too cozy.

The mom walked out on the kids when they were 2, 4 and 5. When dad took over, 'no' was not in his vocabulary to make up for mom leaving them behind. I see what has happened and after 3 years I knew we would never have adult time, alone time and his adult kids would always expect him to bend over backwards. It's pretty bad. Good luck :huggy:

The mom walked out on the kids when they were 2, 4 and 5. When dad took over, 'no' was not in his vocabulary to make up for mom leaving them behind. I see what has happened and after 3 years I knew we would never have adult time, alone time and his adult kids would always expect him to bend over backwards. It's pretty bad. Good luck :huggy:


I'm sorry. Thanks for your thoughts :huggy:

His adult kids were the major issue, after he let a 25 yr. old move back in because she is too lazy to work. He'll pay her cell, smokes, food and after I have seen this happen 3 times in 3 years I knew it wasn't changing, even with adult kids. I told him to get her lazy ass in the system and stop covering for her. He agreed but it was just lip service. He never did it in 3 years. There's much more to the story but it doesn't matter. This is the man I thought was for the rest of my life so I do know how you feel. You can take it for only so long.:huggy:

His daughter is the most rude, inconsiderate child I have ever met in my life. When she is around groups of people, she is very quiet, almost shy. However, when it is just us, or when her friends are over, she yells and screams at him, throws things at him and dictates what she will do and when she will be doing it. There are absolutely no boundaries.

Read her post again compensating for her likely exagerations and she just described every 13 year old in the world. Differences in parenting styles will easily create friction. It is obvious that this woman is agitated and looking for reasons to make her mans life hell. Wrong. Maybe your 13 year old, but I don't think it applies to many others. Mine wouldn't dare talk back to me, much less yell or scream. If she tried telling me what to do.......:lmao: Well, she knew better and was a very respectful child. The product of NON persmissive parenting. Now she is a grown, married woman with good conservative values and I hope someday a good parent.

MOredB...you have absolutley no idea what you are talking about. Possiblya bitter divorce/custody battle in your past, eh?

There are no exagerations in what I have posted. Throwing things at your parents, screaming at them, and calling your mother a F*&%ing b%#$ch IS NOT 'normal teenage behavior'. If that is the behavior in your household, then God help your children as they become adults! This child needs structure and discipline, and she is not getting it consistently in either household. She is setting all of her own rules and her parents are too bent on being the most popular parent and 'winning out' over the other. Neither parenty wants to be the 'bad guy' and set rules of which she should abide. I'm not talking prison rules, but common courtesy and respect should be taught to every child. I would be mortified if my child spoke to me the way she does the both of them.
You are basiclally saying that the child should have no limits, and that they be allowed to 'dictate' which parent gets physical custody by manipulating the other parent with her horrendous behavior. Whoever gives the most and allows the most freedom wins her love. What a prize!
He adores my children and tells me ALL the time what a fantastic mother I am. He appreciates the respect that my children show me, but is afraid of losing his own daughter by enforcing rules and asking for her respect.
That is sad.


I have obviously had some experience with which we speak. I'm starting to believe you now though. I am not saying that the child should have no limits, the exact opposite really. I was saying that you should be more sensitive to his concerns about keeping custody if it is a concern to him (and apparently it is). You would have to find some middle ground that provides more discipline though. I am all too familiar with the buying the childs love thing. Luckily I didn't have the money to do it at the time or I would have been right there with the best of them. I am also familiar with how a childs behavior can be disruptive to a girlfriend. Thank God it's not anywhere near the level that you are dealing with but that screaching hands in the air "I give up" attitude sure seems familiar. You have my permission to leave him now.

I'm sorry that you are at that stage in your life.

I'm not. I'm actually quite pleased with myself to be at the point where I don't feel obligated to compromise. It feels pretty good to say "no" and "not my problem". :dye:

I've tried the 'not my business' way of thinking, but when it affects everyone in the house, it's hard not to make it my business.

Pansy...not really, but too kind, yes. I have dated some real arrogant, self centered a**holes in my life, and part of what attracted me to him was his kind demeanor. Unfortunatley, it is also what causing problmes at the time. He needs to be her parent first, friend second.

I'm a nice person, but I would never let my kids walk all over me like this.

I'm sorry that you are at that stage in your life. I have had times when I felt that life on my own would be WAY easier(yesterday definitely was one of them)! But the good days with HIM are pretty darned plentiful. It's learning how to deal with the bad that I am struggling with right now.


One question. Are you willing to let his daughter ruin the relationship you have with him. Because someday she will move out and then you have lost someone you really care about, and may not find again. It is a pick your battles sort of thing but you also have to think about your future not hers. I think that it is difficult for any new relationship with children but eventually if given the time it will even out. she may also come out of that nasty spell too. I know a girl that was the same way and the next year she was a totally different person...so if you really want the relationship then see how it goes. and if your children are almost grown then it shouldn't affect them. Maybe they might even get to know her a little and get her interested in doing other things and away from the crowd that she is around. think hard and long and follow your gut. The choice is yours. and only yours.

:huggy:

Thanks. You know I hung in there. And I had shoulders to listen, when I couldn't take it anymore.

You are the step parent of Larry's kids and according to your own words you should have butt the heck out.

I made a fabulous point, step parents should have a say in certain situations. In your situation you had a say and knowing you I doubt you'd have had it any other way. It's not as black and white, one way or the other. Different situations call for different levels of involvement. :yay:

And again you're wrong.

These girls lived with me and *I* was the female raising them, and had been since they were very young. If they had lived with their mother, you would have a point and the situation would be different. However, that is not the case and you look foolish trying to insist something is a certain way when I, and everyone who knows me on here, know that it is not.

We'll contrast that with my ex's wife, who has never lived with either of my kids and only saw them once a year when they visited their dad. SHE got no say because she barely even knew them and was not their parent in any capacity.

And I will tell you so that you will have a valid bone to chew on, if I had it to do over again I would have stayed completely out of the "parenting other peoples' children" game. It was a huge mistake and no good came of it, so my advice to KVJ and any other woman considering marriage to a guy with kids stands.

Now, you may have the last word. Try not to be so foolish in the future and ASSume you know everything when, indeed, you don't know ####.

One question. Are you willing to let his daughter ruin the relationship you have with him. Because someday she will move out and then you have lost someone you really care about, and may not find again. It is a pick your battles sort of thing but you also have to think about your future not hers. I think that it is difficult for any new relationship with children but eventually if given the time it will even out. she may also come out of that nasty spell too. I know a girl that was the same way and the next year she was a totally different person...so if you really want the relationship then see how it goes. and if your children are almost grown then it shouldn't affect them. Maybe they might even get to know her a little and get her interested in doing other things and away from the crowd that she is around. think hard and long and follow your gut. The choice is yours. and only yours.

If he's not saying NO now, he will continue to let his kid walk all over him into adult life. She will feel free to move in and out as she sees fit, she will manipulate him and walk all over him forever. Why do you feel it will change miraculously?

It feels pretty good to say "no" and "not my problem". :dye:

Indeed it does. :yay:

Maybe the OP could have a talk with him and explain her feelings and why she doesn't want to be a part of this relationship if his parenting style won't change. Maybe she could take a step back and only see him when the daughter is at her mother's? That will give him a chance to see she's serious about what needs to change for her to stay in the relationship, and it will give her a chance to see if he's even willing to change. If nothing changes and he doesn't try, she'll know he doesn't care enough about the relationship enough to change it. And if he doesn't care about the relationship, she doesn't want to be with him anways. :shrug:

Maybe the OP could have a talk with him and explain her feelings and why she doesn't want to be a part of this relationship if his parenting style won't change. Maybe she could take a step back and only see him when the daughter is at her mother's? That will give him a chance to see she's serious about what needs to change for her to stay in the relationship, and it will give her a chance to see if he's even willing to change. If nothing changes and he doesn't try, she'll know he doesn't care enough about the relationship enough to change it. And if he doesn't care about the relationship, she doesn't want to be with him anways. :shrug:

Great advice!

And I will tell you so that you will have a valid bone to chew on, if I had it to do over again I would have stayed completely out of the "parenting other peoples' children" game. It was a huge mistake and no good came of it, so my advice to KVJ and any other woman considering marriage to a guy with kids stands.




Being a step parent* can really be a challenge. They say you have to love them like your own but then they throw it in your face that they're not yours. :lol: Either way you're screwed.



*when the other parent is still in the picture

And again you're wrong.

These girls lived with me and *I* was the female raising them, and had been since they were very young. If they had lived with their mother, you would have a point and the situation would be different. However, that is not the case and you look foolish trying to insist something is a certain way when I, and everyone who knows me on here, know that it is not.

We'll contrast that with my ex's wife, who has never lived with either of my kids and only saw them once a year when they visited their dad. SHE got no say because she barely even knew them and was not their parent in any capacity.

And I will tell you so that you will have a valid bone to chew on, if I had it to do over again I would have stayed completely out of the "parenting other peoples' children" game. It was a huge mistake and no good came of it, so my advice to KVJ and any other woman considering marriage to a guy with kids stands.

Now, you may have the last word. Try not to be so foolish in the future and ASSume you know everything when, indeed, you don't know ####.

And kvj said that there is a possibility of moving closer to his kids where as there would be more interaction than once or twice a year. Maybe you missed that part darling.

And, I'm not pretending to know crapola. I KNOW that you were involved in the raising of Larry's children. That you admitted so I don't understand where you think that I'm pressuming to know anything I don't.

The bolded part is a particularly nasty thing to say and I feel sorry for Larry's kids that you'd publicly say that no good came out of your involvement in their lives. I have a half sister who spent Christmas and a couple of weeks in the summer with us who my mom was very involved in major decsions concerning. My sister has on a number of occasions expressed her gratitude for my mother's affection and concern. My sister was never treated any differently than my brother and I and is a better person for it to hear her tell it.

I love Pixie and Vrai's relationship!!!

If he's not saying NO now, he will continue to let his kid walk all over him into adult life. She will feel free to move in and out as she sees fit, she will manipulate him and walk all over him forever. Why do you feel it will change miraculously?



why you ask? because i am a stepmother and when i met my husband his daughter was the same with me. He could not see it because he knew it was hard for kids having parents separating. He went through it with my son, and i didn't see it because i was feeling bad for my son with the death of his dad. But we stuck with it. I became very close to his daughter and he with my son. All it took was to let them know that the other was not there to take the place of the other parent, but to love them and make sure they were taken care of. I was ready to walk away at one point, and so was he. But we loved each other and stuck with it. Now the kids are grown and doing their own thing and i am thankful everyday i did not let kids get in the way of us. that is why...

also the teen next door was like the one being described. And i watched the transformation. It got as bad as bad could get before it changed, but it did.
that is why also.

The bolded part is a particularly nasty thing to say and I feel sorry for Larry's kids that you'd publicly say that no good came out of your involvement in their lives.

Well, goody gumdrops for you. Feel sorry for Larry's kids all you want. You know everything, much more about the situation than me. So pontificate and spend your sympathy however you please, since you know them so well.


:rolleyes:

why you ask? because i am a stepmother and when i met my husband his daughter was the same with me. He could not see it because he knew it was hard for kids having parents separating. He went through it with my son, and i didn't see it because i was feeling bad for my son with the death of his dad. But we stuck with it. I became very close to his daughter and he with my son. All it took was to let them know that the other was not there to take the place of the other parent, but to love them and make sure they were taken care of. I was ready to walk away at one point, and so was he. But we loved each other and stuck with it. Now the kids are grown and doing their own thing and i am thankful everyday i did not let kids get in the way of us. that is why...

also the teen next door was like the one being described. And i watched the transformation. It got as bad as bad could get before it changed, but it did.
that is why also.

You are one of the lucky ones. :yay:

oooh and i almost forgot. My stepdaughter is my best friend, thank god we stayed.