I'm interested in getting some other opinions here on a topic that really bugs me. I've got 3 kids. I raised them for 4 years by myself after the split so their mom could get her act together. They live with their Mom and her hubby now (moved in with them when they were 5, 7 and 8), and my wife and I share custody.

Ex-wife and hubby force my kids to call him "Pop". Originally it was "Dad", but I was able to fight that one off. If they don't call him Pop, he doesn't speak to them.

I've been "Dad" to these kids their whole life. I've been a major part in their upbringing and am about as far away from being a "deadbeat Dad" as you can get.

Should I have them call my wife "Ma" or something like that? I've talked to ex about this and she won't back down. But I'm wondering if having her kids call my wife "Ma" will change her mind on this.

I'd like to hear from others how you've handled this matter with your kids and exes. How would you feel if this was happening to you?

Head games bubba.... Shrug it off. You will always be the "real" Dad. :wink:

Originally posted by moon5leg
Should I have them call my wife "Ma" or something like that? I've talked to ex about this and she won't back down. But I'm wondering if having her kids call my wife "Ma" will change her mind on this. Do not drag the children into this any more than their mother already has.

Well, my daughter called my X's new hubby an azzhole and told him to shutup (forgot to mention she's 20 years old). I don't know what my son calls him when he visits her, as I haven't spoken with my Ex since she left me. :biggrin:

Originally posted by RoseRed
Do not drag the children into this any more than their mother already has. :yeahthat: Be above it, be better than her. Have them call your wife what ever they and she are comfortable with. I think first names work, as long as it's said with respect.

exactly.

The worst thing you can do is make your kids a pawn. Does it really matter what they call one another? I'm on the other end of the spectrum. My son calls my other "daddy'. My ex husband is a POS and doens't care nor contribute at all to my son's upbringing. Yet he has a real problem with the fact that my son calls "daddy" the man that IS raising him. Mind you my son is only 2 and started calling him "daddy" on his own. Does my ex have a right to protest (which he does)? Hell no he doesn't. He does though. I have a 2 year old that tells me that he's not allowed to call B his daddy and that he only has one daddy and he now calls his bio dad his "real daddy". It takes a big man (and his family) to brainwash a 2 year old.

I've thought long and hard about it and if my ex were to get himself together and meet a decent girl and she was going to be my son's step mother I wouldn't give a rat's ass if he called he "mom" too. It's just a label.

Originally posted by pixiegirl
The worst thing you can do is make your kids a pawn. Does it really matter what they call one another? I'm on the other end of the spectrum. My son calls my other "daddy'. My ex husband is a POS and doens't care nor contribute at all to my son's upbringing. Yet he has a real problem with the fact that my son calls "daddy" the man that IS raising him. Mind you my son is only 2 and started calling him "daddy" on his own. Does my ex have a right to protest (which he does)? Hell no he doesn't. He does though. I have a 2 year old that tells me that he's not allowed to call B his daddy and that he only has one daddy and he now calls his bio dad his "real daddy". It takes a big man (and his family) to brainwash a 2 year old.

I've thought long and hard about it and if my ex were to get himself together and meet a decent girl and she was going to be my son's step mother I wouldn't give a rat's ass if he called he "mom" too. It's just a label.

OH MY GOD!!! I got through to her. :clap:

I've thought long and hard about it and if my ex were to get himself together and meet a decent girl and she was going to be my son's step mother I wouldn't give a rat's ass if he called he "mom" too. It's just a label.

You're right Pixiegirl. I have no doubt that my kids know who their Dad is, and I have no doubt where their loyalty lies, so it really shouldn't make a difference at all.

Do not drag the children into this any more than their mother already has.

Another good point. I've always tried to do the right thing by my kids, so I guess I shouldn't stop now.

Thanks

Originally posted by moon5leg
I've always tried to do the right thing by my kids, so I guess I shouldn't stop now.

Thanks YW

I know one thing, I've put alot into raising my children especially with one of them being handicapped and I wouldn't want one of them calling my X's new hubby Dad, Father, Pop or anything other than his first name. (Too bad my daughter took after her father too much and called him an azzhole. I taught her to have more respect for her elders than that.) Guess she just got pizzed. But I am their Father, I raised my children, not him. But this is something between you and your X. Don't drag kids into it.

Just let the kids call him whatever they want, so long as it's respectful.

Whether they call him by his first name, or dad, or pop, or Jo-boo, let the kid call him what they feel comfortable with.

I call my stepdad by his first name, but I still look to him as a father figure, and that's good enough.

Depends on the situation. I call my step-dad "Dad", and often confuse people that know my parents are divorced by introducing him as my dad. He has been there for me when my real dad hasn't, and I think he deserves that title.

Originally posted by cattitude
OH MY GOD!!! I got through to her. :clap:

:biggrin:

I do still take issue with what certain family members tell him I just don't make an issue out of it. Instead I'm being methodical and keeping track of everything. Noah's a little tattle tale and tells me specifically... "my real daddy told me..." "aunt Heather told me...." Should a peeing match ever arise I'm fully prepared. But regardless of what they tell Noah he still makes his own choice. He still calls B daddy because he wants to.

I'm fully prepared for the crap I'll get from this little gem too. I don't call my own biological mother who raised me mom. I don't call her by her first name either though. I call her "Queda". It was a stupid joke that started between a friend of mine and I when I was like 17. My mom questioned why we were running around calling each other Queda so I explained. Several days later I did or said something and she called me Queda. I started calling her Queda and it stuck. I call her my mom when I'm talking about her to other people but I never call her mom when I'm talking to her anymore. It's caught on to the point where most anyone who's in my life (B and past bf's) have even refered to her in conversation with me as Queda. It's not a symbol of disrespect but in my opinion more a term of endearment. It was something that we laughed about together and it just stuck. My dad use to get really upset with me about it. Then I think he realized (or my mom told him maybe) that it's just the way it was. That's the type of relationship my mom and I have.

I think it depends on the relationship and situation. I called my step dad "Dad" but that was after my father died.

My husband was older(8) when his dad died and his mom remarried. He called him by his first name until he got a good relationship going with him. I think it took about two years and my huband started calling him Dad.

My friend who's ex is another super dead beat let her son decide too whether or not to call her new husband Dad or Blahblah. Over time he saw what a Dad was supposed to be like and now call's blahblah Dad:shrug:

Originally posted by pixiegirl
I'm fully prepared for the crap I'll get from this little gem too. I don't call my own biological mother who raised me mom. I don't call her by her first name either though. I call her "Queda". It was a stupid joke that started between a friend of mine and I when I was like 17. My mom questioned why we were running around calling each other Queda so I explained. Several days later I did or said something and she called me Queda. I started calling her Queda and it stuck. I call her my mom when I'm talking about her to other people but I never call her mom when I'm talking to her anymore. It's caught on to the point where most anyone who's in my life (B and past bf's) have even refered to her in conversation with me as Queda. It's not a symbol of disrespect but in my opinion more a term of endearment. It was something that we laughed about together and it just stuck. My dad use to get really upset with me about it. Then I think he realized (or my mom told him maybe) that it's just the way it was. That's the type of relationship my mom and I have. I can't even remember when it started, but my cousin calls her mom Hilda (her real name is Marian), as a joke. Her dad even does it sometimes (scratch that, he's her step-dad, but she calls him dad). I think they were eating out one night and saw a table of old ladies and someone said "Look at those Hildas" or something to that effect. They're a jokey family anyways, and my aunt thinks it's funny.

Originally posted by pixiegirl
I call her "Queda".

It's not a symbol of disrespect but in my opinion more a term of endearment. ...unless you start calling her "Al"

Originally posted by pixiegirl
:blahblah: :blahblah: mom :blahblah: :blahblah: Queda :blahblah: :blahblah:

That's the type of relationship my mom and I have.

:shocking: Your mom is a member of al quada and you're harboring terrorists? :twitch:

I think it depends on the relationship and situation.

I agree. My problem stems from the fact that my kids were 5,7 and 8 and had only lived with this man for 2 months. They didn't choose to call him anything other than his first name. In my case, I think it was dead wrong of their mother to force them to call this stranger "Pop". At that point they had no relationship with him, they hardly knew him at all.

Right now, they call my wife by her first name, and it seems to suit everyone just fine. (although, my ex did try to get them to call her Miss BlaBla and we had to squash that immediately, after all they don't call me Mister Dad or him Mister Pop)

I don't know if it's a real name.... I think it's one of those new "American" names that you see in baby books. It's pronounced "kweda". Often begining with a "La".

Originally posted by moon5leg
I agree. My problem stems from the fact that my kids were 5,7 and 8 and had only lived with this man for 2 months. They didn't choose to call him anything other than his first name. In my case, I think it was dead wrong of their mother to force them to call this stranger "Pop". At that point they had no relationship with him, they hardly knew him at all.

Right now, they call my wife by her first name, and it seems to suit everyone just fine. (although, my ex did try to get them to call her Miss BlaBla and we had to squash that immediately, after all they don't call me Mister Dad or him Mister Pop)

You're ex is obviously pretty immature. All you can do is be the better person and not play the same head games. Your kids will do what suits them. Though they're forced to call him Pop when they're there it seems as if they don't do it when they're not. They'll make they're own choices. :smile:

Originally posted by pixiegirl
You're ex is obviously pretty immature. All you can do is be the better person and not play the same head games.

:cheers:

my sons dad is married and he calls her by her first name around me as far as what he calls her at his house im not to sure. i dont like the idea of her being his step mom because im his mom. when i get married i dont expect him to call my husband anything but his name . now if i werent around or something then maybe i would be ok with the step mom thing. i know his dad doesnt want him calling my boyfriend/(husband) dad so i guess it works both ways???

Originally posted by libragirl
my sons dad is married and he calls her by her first name around me as far as what he calls her at his house im not to sure. i dont like the idea of her being his step mom because im his mom. when i get married i dont expect him to call my husband anything but his name . now if i werent around or something then maybe i would be ok with the step mom thing. i know his dad doesnt want him calling my boyfriend/(husband) dad so i guess it works both ways??? btw i have a step mom and dad and i call them by their first names. plus im alot older so i dont think it matters any way.

Originally posted by libragirl
my sons dad is married and he calls her by her first name around me as far as what he calls her at his house im not to sure. i dont like the idea of her being his step mom because im his mom. when i get married i dont expect him to call my husband anything but his name . now if i werent around or something then maybe i would be ok with the step mom thing. i know his dad doesnt want him calling my boyfriend/(husband) dad so i guess it works both ways??? I think it depends on the situation and the relationship. I have a step-dad and a step-mom. My mom and step dad have been married for over 10 years...I call him dad, introduce him as my dad, etc. because in my mind he is my dad. Sure I love me bio dad too, but my step-dad has done and is doing a lot for me, I believe he deserves the title. My step-mom has only been my step-mom for a short time, but I love her lots, and will probably end up calling her mom, too.

Originally posted by Nickel
I think it depends on the situation and the relationship. I have a step-dad and a step-mom. My mom and step dad have been married for over 10 years...I call him dad, introduce him as my dad, etc. because in my mind he is my dad. Sure I love me bio dad too, but my step-dad has done and is doing a lot for me, I believe he deserves the title. My step-mom has only been my step-mom for a short time, but I love her lots, and will probably end up calling her mom, too. cool!

My exhusband and myself are both remarried. Our daughter calls both sets of us mom and dad. In our situation, all 4 of us love her equally, and she knows that. It was never forced on her to use mom and dad for her step parents, she chose. (She is 6 right now).

When I raised my kids, and in my family, we never use labels, never have, never will. There are no step parents, step grandparents, half brothers/sisters, etc.

We are just one big family...as my daughter says "I am very special... I have 2 moms and 2 dads....and they all love me very much"

Well i've been on both sides of the fence on this matter, and to be honest , i thought it depends on if they are married or not but i was wrong.
When my daughters mother and i split, she started dating a guy for a while and Rachel(my daughter) started calling him dad. O GOD WAS I P!SSED! but then again i have no controll over it. About a year later they got married and i got over my"ownership" problemb. It's now to where she calls him dad and i'm daddy. 2 Years later i meet my current x, and she has 2 girls of her own. 6 months into the relationship they start calling me dad and i emediately started feeling hypocritical. I realized that there was no reason to get upset in the first place...Kids are alot smarter than you think, and unless the boi father is absent...they know where they came from. It's just natural for the child to get into the habbit of calling the man their mommy is with dad or dady...My advice is just let it go, you know your child lives you just as they know their parents love them...........just make sure you out-do their @ss when x-mas and b-day rolls around....lol

Originally posted by HollowSoul
6 months into the relationship they start calling me dad :yikes: My biggest fear was always that I'd start dating someone, my son would get attached, then it wouldn't work out, and my son would be crushed because his "father figure" was out of the picture.

I myself am a stepparent, in the same situation as some of the others (being more of a primary care giver than the bio parent) and am also the product of stepparent's upbringing. Maybe it is just where I came from that we don't call our stepparents "mom" or "dad" or any terminology similar. They are called by their names. I believe that for my stepchild as well.
It really does have nothing to do with the term they are called. It is just a name. It doesn't do anything for the actual feeling and value behind it. The children aren't fooled, no matter their age. They know who is the real dad in their lives. Take a deep breath and let it go. You will "win" in the end!

My kids call their Step Dad by his name ... He's never had any less control or bearing on their lives.

I think forcing the Daddy name is B.S. It's crap, even if Bio Dad or Mom is a POS.

It's selfish and stupid. Kids should always come first.... Always.

I always called my step-father by his first name, but he never really was a "daddy" to me. I think it more has to do with how close you become. If our relationship deepened and I had felt he was more of a father figure, I would have started calling him "Dad."

Originally posted by Kain99
My kids call their Step Dad by his name ... He's never had any less control or bearing on their lives.

I think forcing the Daddy name is B.S. It's crap, even if Bio Dad or Mom is a POS.

It's selfish and stupid. Kids should always come first.... Always.

So what if your kids wanted to call him "dad" would you be opposed to it then?

We're all talking about a lot of different situations here, and I guess that's the bottom line afterall, each situation is different.

For those that say it's just a name, I say B.S. As I stated at the beginning of this thread, I am a very active part of my kids lives, not a "deadbeat" or non-existant dad. I was the only father figure of any kind to my kids when step-dad entered the picture. I think it was confusing and harmful to the kids at first, when they were forced to call a stranger "Dad" simply because he shacked up with their mother.

Now, it has been a while that they were forced into this, and they have adjusted over the last 4 years of this, so I don't make it an issue with them at all, except when they actually call him "Dad" when speaking to ME! (for instance, they'll say something like "Our dad went fishing last weekend.") They usually catch themselves and apologize when this happens.

I am pretty much over the whole thing now, I can't stress out over things I have absolutely no control over. I know my kids know who's who.

How old are your kids? Just wondering.

Originally posted by moon5leg
except when they actually call him "Dad" when speaking to ME I don't refer to my step-dad as dad when speaking to my bio dad (although my brother does it frequently, but just because he doesn't think before he speaks). I'm sure it hurts my dad's feelings, but maybe things would be different if my step-dad didn't have to pick up his slack. I'm sure you know they don't do it to hurt your feelings, it's just something they're used to doing, and it slips...

Originally posted by pixiegirl
How old are your kids? Just wondering.


My kids are 9, 11, 12

If you have no problem with your children calling an ex's new partner "mom" or "dad" I guess you wouldn't mind your children calling you by your first name either. That is since it's JUST a name. I'm sorry, but there is no way I would allow my child to call someone else "mom". I put in all the labor so as I see it I get the privilege of the title. The point I think most have missed in what Moon5leg was trying to say is do you agree to force kids to call someone something they don't want. I agree with him, even if you no longer like your "EX" you did for one time and like it or not they are the other parent.

Originally posted by tastycakes
If you have no problem with your children calling an ex's new partner "mom" or "dad" I guess you wouldn't mind your children calling you by your first name either. That is since it's JUST a name. I'm sorry, but there is no way I would allow my child to call someone else "mom". I put in all the labor so as I see it I get the privilege of the title. The point I think most have missed in what Moon5leg was trying to say is do you agree to force kids to call someone something they don't want. I agree with him, even if you no longer like your "EX" you did for one time and like it or not they are the other parent. We see his point, we're just broadening the topic. Some of us have been children in similar situations, we are giving our viewpoints. Some of us have children that are going through similar situations...again, we're giving our viewpoints. My son doesn't know his father, probably never will. By your standards, should he not be allowed to call another man "daddy", even though that man treats him like his own son, simply because it wasn't his sperm that helped make the baby?

Considering "HIS" viewpoint... The forcing of the Daddy issue is shiat! Mom knows it and so does Step Daddy! It's all a part of the hate game. " How can I hurt you just a little bit more?" Biatches do this all the time. :mad:

Originally posted by Nickel
We see his point, we're just broadening the topic. Some of us have been children in similar situations, we are giving our viewpoints. Some of us have children that are going through similar situations...again, we're giving our viewpoints. My son doesn't know his father, probably never will. By your standards, should he not be allowed to call another man "daddy", even though that man treats him like his own son, simply because it wasn't his sperm that helped make the baby?

Actually I have been in that situation and hated being put in it. I have no problem with children calling another person by any title (I have a child of my own who calls her step-father by his first name: her choice) but that doesn't give anyone the right to just choose for the child what they should have to call a step parent. I can't stand my childs father but I feel she will learn all on her own who is the man that has been there for her and the one who is not. I realize that everyone is trying to give their viewpoint but not too many are really giving their thoughts on forcing a child to have to call someone else by a title of a parent. A very different situation than a child calling someone "mom" or "dad" when there is an absent parent.

i called my step mother by her first name...and still do... she wasnt my mother and did not give birth to me. my father never expected any different. Plus i think he new my momma had a legal gun and would shoot his butt

i agree

i called my step mother by her first name...and still do... she wasnt my mother and did not give birth to me. my father never expected any different. Plus i think he new my momma had a legal gun and would shoot his butt i agreeYou should leave this to the professionals.

You should leave this to the professionals.
:killingme

You should leave this to the professionals.
:lol:

You should leave this to the professionals.
So busted... :killingme

i called my step mother by her first name...and still do... she wasnt my mother and did not give birth to me. my father never expected any different. Plus i think he new my momma had a legal gun and would shoot his butt


You realize, of course, that this thread was started a year ago? I'm sure the guy has long since decided what to do! :duh:

I myself am a step-parent and I also have a step-mom and a step-dad. My step-daughter calls me by my first name. And she also has a step-dad that she calls dad. Hubby had an issue with it at first but now it doesn't matter at all. Her step-dad is a great guy and hubby knows that so he's cool with that. I think it should be up to the kids to decided what they should call their step-parents. Neither one of mine were like parent figures to me so I never called them mom or dad.

My kids call my husband by his first name, but they are all pretty much grown. I agree with what everyone else here has said - don't play her game. And don't worry - your kids know who their "real" dad is, and they know who loves them.