Estranged from parents

[kwillia]

My mother's mother was most definately cut from the same mold as your mother. I was just a young teen when I chose to do a 1 person intervention and sit my mother down and point out that she always made herself sick whenever she visited with or talked with her mother and that it wasn't a normal relationship. That her mother only had the power of her that she gave her an dthat she needed to let her go.

You are doing the right thing...let go the negative people who make you sick and weak...

[vraiblonde]

After 49 years of abuse, I finally pulled the trigger (figuratively) and released myself from my destructive mother. Her behavior over Christmas and afterward was just so over the top and hurtful that I've decided to be done. She wrote me a nasty letter because I refused to respond to her ugly VMs, I wrote her one back explaining why I will no longer allow her in my life, and that is that.

I wish I'd have done it years ago. But what the hell...let the healing begin.

I've learned that her problem actually has a name - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And I've also learned that I'm not alone and the only one with crazy, although not physically abusive, parents. I should bill her for all the counseling I've had to receive.

Anyway, the reason I'm attention whoring about this is because there's this odd stigma toward adult children who no longer want to have a toxic parent - especially a mother - in their life. Mothers like this are highly manipulative and they are able to garner sympathy, mainly because they're experts at the guilt trip but also because we have a societal reverence toward our Madonna life-givers.

Another fun fact is that NPD mothers are highly confrontational and bullying, and most people don't want to incur their wrath so they cluck and give them sympathy, which validates them and makes them feel justified in their abuse so that they never have to own their behavior.

There are a zillion support groups for mothers whose children have dumped them, but very few for the children themselves. I would like to start a support group for people like me. A private forum for now, and maybe later an in-person thing if people want that. Not to sit around and wallow in self-pity, although telling our story is very important to the healing process, but to express our feelings of abandonment and know that we are not isolated.

That's one of the classic tactics of abusers, you know - they cull their victims from the herd, make you feel like it's your fault they treat you the way they do, so you're ashamed and embarrassed and will keep their secret for them.

So! Drop me a PM if you want to join up! We're not going to take lurkers who just want to "get the dirt" - the subject is way too sensitive for that. If you join you'll be expected to participate, even if it's just to offer support and not necessarily share your own story.

[DEEKAYPEE8569]

Originally Posted by kwillia

My mother's mother was most definately cut from the same mold as your mother. I was just a young teen when I chose to do a 1 person intervention and sit my mother down and point out that she always made herself sick whenever she visited with or talked with her mother and that it wasn't a normal relationship. That her mother only had the power of her that she gave her an dthat she needed to let her go.

You are doing the right thing...let go the negative people who make you sick and weak...

Simply from what I have witnessed in my own family, this is not exclusive to Mother-Child relationships. It can extend to wife-MIL also, especially if the MIL is a perpetual "downer."

[Misfit]

Something squirrely is happening with my posting thingie

[kwillia]

I seriously hope people who are in that same situation do seek support. It is not easy coming to the realization that what you assume is a birth-right (unconditional love and support from your mother and father) isn't a guarantee. I saw the damage it did to my mother. She became a healthier person once she took control back. It is not easy... but it can be done.

[MarieB]

Although I can't say she's as toxic, my mother in law is somewhat like this. I really believe had we not moved early in our marriage, we would now be divorced. My stomach is in knots before we go for a visit. After finally unleashing all of my stuffed emotions one fine day and putting my foot down, I've minimized my contact and her ability to try to manipulate me for her own self interest

[SoMDGirl42]

For those of you dealing with issues with your mother, I do hope you find peace within. I can not say the same for my mother, but my father was a very abusive alcoholic. Although he died over 20 years ago, I still carry the scars of what he did. I was 16 years old the first time I stood nose to nose with him and dared him to hit me again, that I wouldn't just take it anymore. That was the last time he physically hit me, but the emotional scars will always run deeper.

Good luck with your quest. I wish you all the best.

[RareBreed]

I "divorced" my Dad when I was about 10 years old. He treated me and my mother like crap. Was the perfect father to my older brother and sister (go figure). He would tell me that I wasn't his kid because I didn't look like him. He would also tell me that he had zero feeling for me and that I was just wasted space in the house. When my parents got divorced, he tried to gain custody of me because he knew that it would hurt my mom. I had to testify in court that I wanted to stay with my mom. The court ordered visitations and more often than not, I was left sitting in the living room waiting for him to show up, knowing he wouldn't. I finally just called him and told him to not even bother setting up a visitation. It was pointless and we both knew it.

My dad has tried to make peace with me over the years but I'm not buying it. I'm an adult now, married with two kids of my own. I don't need a Dad anymore. I needed one growing up and he wasn't there, so screw him! My mom has said to forgive and forget but I won't. How do you forgive and forget your own father telling you that you mean nothing to him?? I am happy with my decision to not have anything to do with him and he has only met my kids once about 8 years ago and that was only because I was with my sister and she drove us to his house.

I have already told my mom that I will not be attending his funeral when he dies and that I really don't care if I'm notified of his death anyway. He is a stranger to me and I'm not going to pretend to be a grieving daughter. The first time somebody came up to me and said, "Sorry for you loss.", I'd have a hard time saying, "I'm not. I wished it happend years ago."

I'm glad that you have made peace with your situation Vrai and I hope you have success with this support group. Sounds like a great idea.

[vraiblonde]

Originally Posted by RareBreed

My mom has said to forgive and forget but I won't.

Webster's says:

Forgive

1
a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for
b : to grant relief from payment of
2
: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon

Giving up resentment doesn't mean you have to allow that person back into your life. It just means that you no longer resent them and allow them to have that emotional power over you. <--I paid good money for that, so listen up! You no longer expect an apology, because you know not only will you not get it, but the abuser in question will never even admit they did anything wrong. You give up the idea that some day they will come around, realize the damage they've done, and make amends.

That is forgiving.

I'm working on it...

[Aerogal]

I'm lucky not have had a mother (or father) like that. But I did have an ex MIL that definitely was as mean & minipulative as they come - absolutely vile and wicked!. It was horrible to watch how she used her children against each other and then feign the 'poor little ol me that gave birth to you' act. She even (and I swear it's true cause she showed me) practiced voodoo.
All that went through my head when I was informed she died was the song 'ding dong the witch is dead' and I laughed knowing that all her 'Boys' out lived her even tho she kept life policies on them. I swear she did what she could to make them miserable human beings so that they would die by some means (preferably violent/accident for double indemnity) and she would get the money.

(BTW - her 2 daughters moved far-far away)


Sad. My ex couldv'e been much more than he was if wasn't for Mommy Dearest, with or without me. He died alone at 51.

I wish you all the best of luck on your road to a better self-esteem and peace!