Republicans Blame Chrysler Failure on President

[BoyGenius]

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Detroit -- Republicans blamed the Democrats and newly elect President Obama specifically for the failure and imminent bankruptcy of Chrysler today in a highly charged FAUX News conference. Party members allege that Obama flooded the used car market when he traded in his Chrysler C300 after being elected in a landslide vote by Acorn voters.

Across America the airwaves were abuzz with the story. Fatass, Oxycontin eater Rush Limbaugh blasted the President for favoring GM over Chrysler. Limbaugh demanded to know why the White House purchases armored Cadillac luxury limousines instead of instead of Chrysler minivans, which he claims would be more cost effective and better blend into traffic, hence offering more security. "These Chrysler minivans get twice the fuel mileage," Limbaugh screamed into the microphone at one point during his broadcast to legions of minions.

Later in the day, State National Guard troops were put on high alert due to the potential for Tea Parties protesting the Chrysler failure. And indeed one such incident is reported to have occurred in the last remaining Republican stronghold - Southern Maryland.

Coverage of the spectacle on Solomons Island is being limited to FAUX News and MSNBC cable due to the raucous nature of the protest, language, and nudity. The event is sure to provoke lawsuits however, and test constitutional limits on free speech after National Guard troops were caught on camera clubbing overweight, tattoo laden male and female rednecks for baring their breasts.

Keith Olbermann later joked on his show that the protest was typical Republican drama. "These people don't represent America," he told viewers. "Real Americans can't afford the fake tits that were on display there. These people just need to shut-up and give Barack whatever tax money he asks for," he concluded.

Ann Coulter stated the beatings of the peaceful Tea Party protestors was "the worst thing since the Kent State shootings," and promised to write a book about it during her stay in rehab.

Wall Street reacted mildly to the news. At midday, the DOW was up +65.03 to 8,257. Traders boasted that the President's first 100 days have sent the S&P up over 9% and they could care less if some dumb-ass Republican rednecks are out protesting or getting their asses kicked. News of the event sent costs to insure Republican Credibility Swaps up 55%.