G. W. Bush resume'

[Sparx]

George W. Bush - The White House, USA

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

LAW ENFORCEMENT:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for
driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty,
paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for
30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost"
and is not available.

MILITARY:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.
I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions
about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National
Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low "C " average.
I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in
the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil
company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company
went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought
the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal
that took land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry
(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil
companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most
smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the
Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in
American history. With the help of my brother, the governor
of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court,
I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a
criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a
continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U. S.
Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit
in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies
filed in any 12-month period. I set the all-time record for
most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the all-time
record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S.
stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million
Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest
of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire,"
Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a
U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving
the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best
friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate
bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate
attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court
during my election decision. I have protected my friends at
Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.
More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky
affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest
corporate rip-offs in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and
refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry
was revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S.
history. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals
to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any
President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest
bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in
U.S. history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United
Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused
to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees
and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations
election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election). I set the
record for fewest number of press conferences of any
President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any
one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August,
I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World
Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the
U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure
of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people),
shattering the record for protest against any person in the
history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked,
pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.
I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S.
citizens, and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a
cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families --
in war time.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons
for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of
Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to
world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker
Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to
bring Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my
father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All
records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my
bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable
for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my
Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are
sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

I have only lost:
Osama bin Ladin, Mullah Omar, Countless other members of
Al Qaeda, all Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, all the
looted material in Iraq , millions of jobs in America, the entire U.S.
government surplus AND, The respect of the rest of the Free World

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

[jlabsher]

He's got my vote!

[jlabsher]

Originally posted by Bruzilla
He's got my vote!

Originally posted by Sparx
George W. Bush - The White House, USA

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

LAW ENFORCEMENT:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for
driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty,
paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for
30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost"
and is not available.

MILITARY:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.
I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions
about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National
Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low "C " average.
I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in
the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil
company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company
went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought
the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal
that took land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry
(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil
companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most
smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the
Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in
American history. With the help of my brother, the governor
of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court,
I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a
criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a
continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U. S.
Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit
in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies
filed in any 12-month period. I set the all-time record for
most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the all-time
record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S.
stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million
Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest
of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire,"
Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a
U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving
the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best
friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate
bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate
attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court
during my election decision. I have protected my friends at
Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.
More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky
affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest
corporate rip-offs in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and
refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry
was revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S.
history. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals
to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any
President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest
bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in
U.S. history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United
Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused
to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees
and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations
election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election). I set the
record for fewest number of press conferences of any
President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any
one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August,
I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World
Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the
U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure
of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people),
shattering the record for protest against any person in the
history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked,
pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.
I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S.
citizens, and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a
cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families --
in war time.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons
for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of
Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to
world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker
Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to
bring Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my
father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All
records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my
bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable
for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my
Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are
sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

I have only lost:
Osama bin Ladin, Mullah Omar, Countless other members of
Al Qaeda, all Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, all the
looted material in Iraq , millions of jobs in America, the entire U.S.
government surplus AND, The respect of the rest of the Free World

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

[SmallTown]

Originally posted by Sparx
I set the
record for fewest number of press conferences of any
President since the advent of television.

Everyone, especially hard core republicans, are extremely thankful for this.

[SurfaceTension]

...If at the end it was added:
"And I irk the sh*t out of the likes of Jlab and Sparky"

[sleuth]

Anyone care to post Kerry's resume?

[vraiblonde]

Sparx, I know you post these things for amusement but again I say, in order for parody to be funny, it must be based on truth. Your examples are either outright lies or belong in the "so what?" category.

I will follow up with a few ditties so you can get a grasp of what's funny and what's not.

[vraiblonde]

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Pablo Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."