How The Military Reacts To Snakes

[jazz lady (Premo)]

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.

• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.

• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

• Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Can't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake."

• Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

• 2nd Ranger: Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

• MI: analyzes all available intelligence and national asset input on the reptilian situation; reports sighting of Godzilla to National Command Authority.

• JAG: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and its defensive posture.

• Quartermaster: Captures snake and applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property.

• Chemical Corps: Starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, "UTRWBAG" (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999.

• Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.

• Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

• Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.

• Pathfinder: Guides the snake elsewhere.

• AF Fighter Pilot: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.

• AF Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

• Green Beret: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.