southern lifestyle

[Taz]

I grew up in Alabama. Been catching a lot of flack since I moved back up here. Received this from my brother-in-law:


Southern Lifestyle

> If you are from the northern states and planning
> on visiting or moving to the South, there are a
> few things you should know that will help you
> adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

> The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
> The South has 'mater samiches.

> The North has coffee houses,
> The South has Waffle Houses.

> The North has dating services,
> The South has family reunions.

> The North has switchblade knives,
> The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

> The North has double last names,
> The South has double first names.

> The North has Ted Kennedy,
> The South has Jesse Helms.

> The North has an ambulance,
> The South has an amalance.

> The North has Indy car races,
> The South has stock car races.

> The North has Cream of Wheat,
> The South has grits.

> The North has green salads,
> The South has collard greens.

> The North has lobsters,
> The South has crawdads.

> The North has the rust belt,
> The South has the Bible Belt.

> If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
> Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck
> with a tow chain will be alongshortly. Don't try
> to help them, just stay out of their way.
> This is what they live for.

> Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and
> bait in the same store....Don't buy food at
> this store.

> Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is
> plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

> Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here,
> are ya?"

> You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog
> or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do
> that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

> Don't be worried at not understanding what people
> are saying. They can't understand you either.

> The first Southern statement to creep into a
> transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the
> adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most
> Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect
> this way. All of them are in denial about it.

> The proper pronunciation you learned in school is
> no longer proper.

> Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid
> defense here.

> If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all,
> watch this ####," you should stay out of the way.
> These are likely to be the last words he'll
> ever say.

> If there is the prediction of the slightest chance
> of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your
> presence is required at the local grocery store.
> It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.
> You just have to go there.

> When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down
> the middle of the road, remember that most folks
> learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the
> proper speed and position for that vehicle.

> Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own
> their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen,
> and their mammas taught them how to aim.

> In the South, we have found that the best way to
> grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and
> call it a driveway.

> AND REMEMBER:
> If you do settle in the South and bear children,
> don't think we will accept them as Southerners.
> After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we
> wouldn't call 'em biscuits.