Airline humor

[saddlemount]

After every flight, Qantas Australia pilots fill out a form, called a"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[thakidistight]

Originally Posted by saddlemount

After every flight, Qantas Australia pilots fill out a form, called a"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

We used to have these posted up in our shop back when I worked on F-18s.

Once time we had a group of civilians come in for a tour. They were looking at the planes, and saw they were leaking fluids (if youve ever worked around aircraft you know they all leak a lot) and we had the drip pans underneath them. They asked me "whats does it mean when the plane is leaking?". I told them "it means its full, its when its not leaking that you have to worry...."

[Dondi]

P: IFF inoperative in OFF
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

I heard a variation of this:

Rumor has it that a Navy Lieutenant pilot once griped that "Radio doesn't work in the OFFICER position." Of course, the switch was labeled "OFF". How's that for arrogance.

[Bustem' Down]

Originally Posted by Dondi

I heard a variation of this:

Rumor has it that a Navy Lieutenant pilot once griped that "Radio doesn't work in the OFFICER position." Of course, the switch was labeled "OFF". How's that for arrogance.

Our Chief Engineer would always complain about comms problems with his headset when he stood watch in combat. Took me a week to figure out the other officers were screwing with him and turning his mic around backwards. This swapped his left and right ears. I finally gave him a headset all his own so I wouldn't get called anymore. That's why we called him "The Little Engineer that Couldn't."

[MMDad]

Originally Posted by Bustem' Down

Our Chief Engineer would always complain about comms problems with his headset when he stood watch in combat. Took me a week to figure out the other officers were screwing with him and turning his mic around backwards. This swapped his left and right ears. I finally gave him a headset all his own so I wouldn't get called anymore. That's why we called him "The Little Engineer that Couldn't."

Once I was elbows deep in a radar, and this boot Ensign was pestering me to find out what was wrong and when it would be fixed. He was so excited to run up to the bridge and let the CO know that the "dilithium crystals are cross polarized, Captain!"

[itsbob]

Since when does Quantas outfit their planes with "target Radar?"