Otter
Nothing to see here
ATLANTA -- CNN today announced a new audience-friendly news policy of reporting only positive news on its morning newscast. The new initiative is been spearheaded by a daily, opening two-hour segment, "The Good News Report", helmed by popular professional prevaricators, Baghdad Bob and celebrated former NY Times plagiarist and fantasy writer, Jayson T. Blair.
CNN reported very positive audience response to Jayson Blair's unique first-person, on-the-spot, coverage of the terrible hurricane in Bermuda. In that live, on-the-scene report, filed from his New York City apartment, Blair cheerily told transfixed CNN viewers, in between snorts of a white powdery substance, that he had personally interviewed a hotel night clerk still buried under the rubble of his home. "Hurricanes are what you make of them, Jayson," the buried man told CNN's new reporter. "Myself, I'm really, truly having a fun time, and I got to stay home, er, under my home and skip work dealing with unpleasant Yuppie tourists last night. It doesn't get any better than that. And yes, all these fractures hurt a bit, but I'm going to die in a few hours anyway, and now that I've appeared on CNN, I'll die a happy man!"
Baghdad Bob's report from Bermuda elicited enthusiastic calls and e-mail messages from elated viewers who were pleased to discover that the other news networks had exaggerated the hurricane's damage. "There is no hurricane here!" reported Bob. "The hurricane has been ruinously defeated and forced back into the very bowels of the sea by the courageous wealthy oligarchy that still rules Bermuda. The citizens are fine. The buildings are all standing. The anguished cries you hear are nothing but the frightened shouts of surrender of the hurricane cowering outside this very room!"
"I will tell you, here and now, the hurricane is in retreat," Bob continued in his first "feel-good" CNN report. "This evil, infidel natural calamity is committing suicide on the outskirts of the city. It is in a panic, it is quaking with fear -- pay no attention to the falling ceiling tiles and exploding windows, our janitor will fix them in no time! -- the hurricane is turning tail and fleeing. By the grace of Allah and Bermuda's magnificent ruling oligarchy -- you there, don't step in that big hole in the floor -- we are saved!"
CNN's many retired viewers are reported to be eagerly awaiting Bob & Jayson's next feel-good report on the booming pension surpluses racked up by corporate America in the last three years. And twosome's weekend report on the rising business prospects of Enron is expected to a barnstomer.
More news here.
CNN reported very positive audience response to Jayson Blair's unique first-person, on-the-spot, coverage of the terrible hurricane in Bermuda. In that live, on-the-scene report, filed from his New York City apartment, Blair cheerily told transfixed CNN viewers, in between snorts of a white powdery substance, that he had personally interviewed a hotel night clerk still buried under the rubble of his home. "Hurricanes are what you make of them, Jayson," the buried man told CNN's new reporter. "Myself, I'm really, truly having a fun time, and I got to stay home, er, under my home and skip work dealing with unpleasant Yuppie tourists last night. It doesn't get any better than that. And yes, all these fractures hurt a bit, but I'm going to die in a few hours anyway, and now that I've appeared on CNN, I'll die a happy man!"
Baghdad Bob's report from Bermuda elicited enthusiastic calls and e-mail messages from elated viewers who were pleased to discover that the other news networks had exaggerated the hurricane's damage. "There is no hurricane here!" reported Bob. "The hurricane has been ruinously defeated and forced back into the very bowels of the sea by the courageous wealthy oligarchy that still rules Bermuda. The citizens are fine. The buildings are all standing. The anguished cries you hear are nothing but the frightened shouts of surrender of the hurricane cowering outside this very room!"
"I will tell you, here and now, the hurricane is in retreat," Bob continued in his first "feel-good" CNN report. "This evil, infidel natural calamity is committing suicide on the outskirts of the city. It is in a panic, it is quaking with fear -- pay no attention to the falling ceiling tiles and exploding windows, our janitor will fix them in no time! -- the hurricane is turning tail and fleeing. By the grace of Allah and Bermuda's magnificent ruling oligarchy -- you there, don't step in that big hole in the floor -- we are saved!"
CNN's many retired viewers are reported to be eagerly awaiting Bob & Jayson's next feel-good report on the booming pension surpluses racked up by corporate America in the last three years. And twosome's weekend report on the rising business prospects of Enron is expected to a barnstomer.
More news here.
Had me going for the first line or two. 