Finally American progressives can have a G.O.D. they can believe in. Banking on a wildly successful media coverage of its efforts to transform the backward, individualistic America into a nation of enlightened state-worshippers ruled by unelected czars, the administrative branch is preparing for a next radical reform that will further streamline the system and dispel the accusations of oligarchic rule by concentrating all the powers enumerated, extrapolated, and imagined under the constitution in the hands of only one man.
Said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "We must urgently streamline the decision-making process because the time for talk is over. The outdated 19th century idea of reading and debating bills must end. Face it, not only does debate delay immediate action, so does voting."
The new legislation proposes the President of the United States appointing himself to the new position of Governmental Overall Director, or G.O.D. for short. "We believe in an all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful G.O.D. to create order out of the chaos that is the unfortunate result of too many people making too many decisions for themselves. Hope and change require unity. Unity requires oneness of purpose. As you may know, Obama is The One."
Under the proposal the G.O.D. will give the people new freedoms, replacing the old freedoms which have atrophied to tired clichés. The G.O.D. is expected to replace individual free will with collective will of the communities represented by community organizers. Free enterprise will be replaced with free lunch, and free speech with free internet access. The inalienable rights of life, liberty and property will be supplanted by the rights of bodily functions, controlled unanimity, and regulated sharing.
"Citizenship encompasses both rights and responsibilities," Gibbs said. "Your rights are the government's responsibility so you don't have to fret over them. A burden is always lessened by lightening the load. For instance, it is the administration's aim to relieve everyone's money problems by relieving them of money. And may the G.O.D. bless America," stated Gibbs.
One part of the proposal that caused a stir of head nodding among the press was the President's assumption of judiciary powers one step above the Supreme Court - the so-called "Last Judgment" provision wherein the G.O.D. has the final say on all legal decisions. "Man proposes, the G.O.D. disposes," Gibbs quipped to approving chuckles of the press.
Further explaining details of the plan's implementation, Press Secretary continued, "How exactly this all works... the G.O.D. only knows."
Evidence of massive public support of the government's Act of G.O.D. was provided in the form of a spontaneous rally just outside of the White House, in which representatives of diverse communities, wearing inexpensive red shirts with an artful ACORN logo, were joined by occasional passers-by from the Service Employees International Union (SEIU), all of whom happened to be carrying lovingly pre-printed signs: "Thank G.O.D.!" "One nation under G.O.D.!" and "In G.O.D. we trust!"
The plan has already had an immediate positive effect on the nation's political climate by rendering the opposition speechless. Staunch defenders of God's place in the public forum, Republicans have suddenly gone mum - apparently, out of fear that any anti-G.O.D. statements can damage their immediate political future and have negative long-term effects in the form of eternal damnation.
