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J. F. Kerry resume'
John F, Kerry – U.S. Senate, USA
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
LAW ENFORCEMENT:
I was never arrested because I hid while in Washington with my pal Hanoi Jane Fonda protesting the Vietnam war and calling My fellow service members baby killers and criminals even though my idol JFK (the original) sent them there.
MILITARY:
I tried to get a student deferral like everyone else but was refused. So to keep out of the Army I joined the Navy like my idol JFK (the original) and spent a few months in-country (50 miles off shore) on a destroyer. Then I realized that I could be like my idol JFK (the original) so I spent a few months on a swift boat (4 to be exact) and put myself in for some medals. I left 4 months later to go be an aide for an Admiral in DC. Actually I spent much of that time flying radical Democrats around to protests. When that silly Navy stuff kept getting in the way I got an early out so I could call my former military pals “baby killers and criminals” full time. Now I just post old pictures of my in my uniform to play up the war hero thing despite spending most of my life hating anything military.
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University. While at Yale I was the President of the Yale Political Union. While the leader of the YPU I was so bad that the organization went on probation because I drove away so many with my lack of leadership and goofy rants that the attendance dropped below allowable limits because everyone bailed the YPU and started a rival group called the Dixwell Society. The rumors that the attendance dropped is because I have major personality problems is greatly exaggerated, just ask me. I played hockey, lacrosse and soccer. I only lettered in soccer where my gawky running style earned me the nickname “The camel”.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in 1972 trying on congressional districts like suits. I hopped form one to another to another to find a district in the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts that was liberal enough. I was called a “brazen district hopper”. My first wife even bought a house for me in the Third district of Mass, but when I learned that the Fifth district would be open in the next election we never even moved in, we rented an apartment in the Fifth district where I figured I could cherry-pick a congressional seat but alas I blew a huge lead and lost. In the next election my stooge brother and a crony got caught in the basement of my Democratic rival trying to cut the phone lines to stop a get out the vote effort. I denied it of course, and even started a vast leftwing conspiracy theory to cover it up.
I then went to law school and got a job as a DA where I polarized the office and exaggerated my accomplishments. (Boston Globe). Letter when trying to get my boss re-elected I learned the dirty tricks of campaigning and even got hauled before a judge for violating a gag order in a murder trial I used as a newspaper ad. My boss won the election then forced me out because I was too ambitious. I pulled some family strings and got on the Democratic ticket and my running mate the great Michael Dukakis drug me along to be the Lt Governor. I was so hell bent on getting elected and Dukakis and King were in such a tight race, I had lapel buttons made with my name behind each candidate, King/Kerry and Dukakis/Kerry to be prepared for whoever won the primary
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN FORM MASSACHUSETTS:
Less than a year in office, I ditched the people of the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts to run for senate and won. There I proved just how much I hated the military because I voted to cancel the B-1 bomber, B-2 stealth bomber, AH-64 Apache helicopter, Patriot missile, the F-15, F-14A and F-14D jets, the AV-8B Harrier jet, the Aegis air-defense cruiser, and the Trident missile system. I also advocated reductions in many other systems, such as the M1 Abrams tank, the Bradley Fighting Vehicle, the Tomahawk cruise missile, and the F-16 jet. Basically I wanted our soldiers to throw sticks and stones at our enemies. I did admit that I was short sighted and now that I see what kind of world I live in I would say my votes were ill-advised. I was a star in the Iran Contra scandal. But I also was a dupe during a big BCCI bank investigation when I went soft when it was discovered that old influential Democrats were involved. See I can be a savage to Republicans but I know who my friends are. After my divorce in 1988 I was basically broke. I bought a house and sold it at a huge loss because I have no actual economic sense. I went on the speaking tour charging $1,400 an appearance for mad money. Next I got involved with a shady character Wesley Finch who hooked me up with a cherry real estate deal where I made $21,000 with no risk. Goofball Finch went bragging that he had a Senator who would make pivotal votes in the Senate regarding taxes and I got outed on it. After that the money dried up and I lived in one room apartments in DC. That is until I started dipping my tallywhacker in Hollywood starlets like Morgan Fairchild. It was that time when I discovered that there was a ton of money out there from wealthy contributors. I got called on it but wiggled free. In 1995 my money problems went away when I married the Ketsup Queen in Nantucket. In 1996 I almost lost my ass to Governor Weld when he challenged my Senate seat but Teddy helped me out.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
John F, Kerry – U.S. Senate, USA
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
LAW ENFORCEMENT:
I was never arrested because I hid while in Washington with my pal Hanoi Jane Fonda protesting the Vietnam war and calling My fellow service members baby killers and criminals even though my idol JFK (the original) sent them there.
MILITARY:
I tried to get a student deferral like everyone else but was refused. So to keep out of the Army I joined the Navy like my idol JFK (the original) and spent a few months in-country (50 miles off shore) on a destroyer. Then I realized that I could be like my idol JFK (the original) so I spent a few months on a swift boat (4 to be exact) and put myself in for some medals. I left 4 months later to go be an aide for an Admiral in DC. Actually I spent much of that time flying radical Democrats around to protests. When that silly Navy stuff kept getting in the way I got an early out so I could call my former military pals “baby killers and criminals” full time. Now I just post old pictures of my in my uniform to play up the war hero thing despite spending most of my life hating anything military.
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University. While at Yale I was the President of the Yale Political Union. While the leader of the YPU I was so bad that the organization went on probation because I drove away so many with my lack of leadership and goofy rants that the attendance dropped below allowable limits because everyone bailed the YPU and started a rival group called the Dixwell Society. The rumors that the attendance dropped is because I have major personality problems is greatly exaggerated, just ask me. I played hockey, lacrosse and soccer. I only lettered in soccer where my gawky running style earned me the nickname “The camel”.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in 1972 trying on congressional districts like suits. I hopped form one to another to another to find a district in the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts that was liberal enough. I was called a “brazen district hopper”. My first wife even bought a house for me in the Third district of Mass, but when I learned that the Fifth district would be open in the next election we never even moved in, we rented an apartment in the Fifth district where I figured I could cherry-pick a congressional seat but alas I blew a huge lead and lost. In the next election my stooge brother and a crony got caught in the basement of my Democratic rival trying to cut the phone lines to stop a get out the vote effort. I denied it of course, and even started a vast leftwing conspiracy theory to cover it up.
I then went to law school and got a job as a DA where I polarized the office and exaggerated my accomplishments. (Boston Globe). Letter when trying to get my boss re-elected I learned the dirty tricks of campaigning and even got hauled before a judge for violating a gag order in a murder trial I used as a newspaper ad. My boss won the election then forced me out because I was too ambitious. I pulled some family strings and got on the Democratic ticket and my running mate the great Michael Dukakis drug me along to be the Lt Governor. I was so hell bent on getting elected and Dukakis and King were in such a tight race, I had lapel buttons made with my name behind each candidate, King/Kerry and Dukakis/Kerry to be prepared for whoever won the primary
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN FORM MASSACHUSETTS:
Less than a year in office, I ditched the people of the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts to run for senate and won. There I proved just how much I hated the military because I voted to cancel the B-1 bomber, B-2 stealth bomber, AH-64 Apache helicopter, Patriot missile, the F-15, F-14A and F-14D jets, the AV-8B Harrier jet, the Aegis air-defense cruiser, and the Trident missile system. I also advocated reductions in many other systems, such as the M1 Abrams tank, the Bradley Fighting Vehicle, the Tomahawk cruise missile, and the F-16 jet. Basically I wanted our soldiers to throw sticks and stones at our enemies. I did admit that I was short sighted and now that I see what kind of world I live in I would say my votes were ill-advised. I was a star in the Iran Contra scandal. But I also was a dupe during a big BCCI bank investigation when I went soft when it was discovered that old influential Democrats were involved. See I can be a savage to Republicans but I know who my friends are. After my divorce in 1988 I was basically broke. I bought a house and sold it at a huge loss because I have no actual economic sense. I went on the speaking tour charging $1,400 an appearance for mad money. Next I got involved with a shady character Wesley Finch who hooked me up with a cherry real estate deal where I made $21,000 with no risk. Goofball Finch went bragging that he had a Senator who would make pivotal votes in the Senate regarding taxes and I got outed on it. After that the money dried up and I lived in one room apartments in DC. That is until I started dipping my tallywhacker in Hollywood starlets like Morgan Fairchild. It was that time when I discovered that there was a ton of money out there from wealthy contributors. I got called on it but wiggled free. In 1995 my money problems went away when I married the Ketsup Queen in Nantucket. In 1996 I almost lost my ass to Governor Weld when he challenged my Senate seat but Teddy helped me out.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
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