The deal breaker

[acommondisaster]

Let's say you've been married for 20 plus years, with all the ups and downs, but mostly it's been okay. I know neither my husband or I are perfect, but I can't imagine the grass is greener in some alternative situation. When you look across the table at the person you've been with for decades, what would be the deal breaker? What would be enough to want to hang it up and endure the prospect of being alone, or worse yet, the prospect of dating again? Conversely, what would you endure to stay with that person? My own parents divorced at 30 years...my husband's brother divorced at 27 years married. Neither of them divorced because of infidelity or cruelty. I've just found out another friend is going through it at 28 years.

 

[MarieB]

That's a tough one. I think one day you can say, if he did xxxxx then I'd be gone, but other things come into play. Deal breakers are often only definitive deal breakers when they happen to other people. Just look at how many people stay in abusive relationships for example

I think it's possible that if a couple were together for that long and there was no recent infidelity, etc that the marriage broke down long ago because of such a circumstance or because there is someone else in the picture (usually the case). People and couples are often good at hiding things. How often are you shocked by the breakup of what seemed like the "perfect couple?"

 

[Larry Gude]

Let's say you've been married for 20 plus years, with all the ups and downs, but mostly it's been okay. I know neither my husband or I are perfect, but I can't imagine the grass is greener in some alternative situation. When you look across the table at the person you've been with for decades, what would be the deal breaker? What would be enough to want to hang it up and endure the prospect of being alone, or worse yet, the prospect of dating again? Conversely, what would you endure to stay with that person? My own parents divorced at 30 years...my husband's brother divorced at 27 years married. Neither of them divorced because of infidelity or cruelty. I've just found out another friend is going through it at 28 years.

Easy. Loss of peace of mind with one another and it isn't coming back.

Sex, money, family, religion, kids, work, health, none of that matters, good or bad, if you can no longer be at ease around one another, at peace.

Now, this question is, absolutely, an individual one because there are, and I know some, couples who have no peace of mind around each other and it's awful to watch but, that's them. Everything else in their lives, for them, makes it NOT the deal breaker.

So, this question boils down to one thing, and there is no getting around it; what is the deal breaker for YOU?

 

[acommondisaster]

The loss of peace of mind thing is interesting..I hadn't thought of it that way.

I guess this couple breaking up got me thinking. My parents were married 30 years and got divorced. As long as I can remember, they never really did get along - they didn't fight, they just never seemed to enjoy being around each other. There was no bickering, but I can remember weeks of silence when I was a kid. I would think, after 30 years, they'd have settled into that routine. I was on my own by the time they divorced, and we never talked about personal stuff, so now I kind of wonder after all those years, what was the breaking point. They still got together for family holidays; in fact when my mother moved out after the divorce, my dad helped her pack up the trailer and she called him when she got to her destination so that he'd know she got there safely.
My husband sometimes drives me nuts. There are things about him I don't like and I know he feels the same. But none of it is a deal breaker (yet?) Besides the obvious (ie abuse, cheating) I can't think of something that he would do that would cheese me off enough to consider moving on.

 

[Hank]

I have been through a bad divorce that I didn't want. My hub cheated on me and I chose to be in denial. Then I had to decide if I wanted to join the world again. I did. Then I met my current husband, and I even fought that, but my friends said he was the one, so I jumped in again. The road wasn't easy getting over all the past shiat. But, the most amazing thing I have learned is how easy it is to overlook stupid crap that doesn't matter, and learn to be kind to each other, and to surprise each other, like pancakes instead of toast or whatever. My terrible, crappy journey that led to my current hub has made me appreciate everything in life. In other words, we have no skirmishes because we have learned. I totally trust my husband, but we never know. If I found out he cheated, that would be a deal breaker, and I would have to start the process again. I don't think that will happen. My Richard is the most amazing guy on earth. Hope that helps.

14

 

[Dakota]

Let's say you've been married for 20 plus years, with all the ups and downs, but mostly it's been okay. I know neither my husband or I are perfect, but I can't imagine the grass is greener in some alternative situation. When you look across the table at the person you've been with for decades, what would be the deal breaker? What would be enough to want to hang it up and endure the prospect of being alone, or worse yet, the prospect of dating again? Conversely, what would you endure to stay with that person? My own parents divorced at 30 years...my husband's brother divorced at 27 years married. Neither of them divorced because of infidelity or cruelty. I've just found out another friend is going through it at 28 years.

Oliver Rose: I think you owe me a solid reason. I worked my ass off for you and the kids to have a nice life and you owe me a reason that makes sense. I want to hear it.

Barbara Rose: Because. When I watch you eat. When I see you asleep. When I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.

 

[acommondisaster]

Oliver Rose: I think you owe me a solid reason. I worked my ass off for you and the kids to have a nice life and you owe me a reason that makes sense. I want to hear it.

Barbara Rose: Because. When I watch you eat. When I see you asleep. When I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.

LOL Maybe I need to watch that movie again - I think you may have nailed it.

 

[vraiblonde]

Oliver Rose: I think you owe me a solid reason. I worked my ass off for you and the kids to have a nice life and you owe me a reason that makes sense. I want to hear it.

Barbara Rose: Because. When I watch you eat. When I see you asleep. When I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.

 

[MMDad]

Oliver Rose: I think you owe me a solid reason. I worked my ass off for you and the kids to have a nice life and you owe me a reason that makes sense. I want to hear it.

Barbara Rose: Because. When I watch you eat. When I see you asleep. When I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.

That pretty much sums it up for me. A thousand little things that sound petty, but when you add it all up I just couldn't stand living with her any more. There were some big issues that could have been enough to break us up, but I was willing to forgive and forget.

A strong relationship can withstand the occasional challenge, but when the foundation erodes it just all crumbles.

 

[MarieB]

Oliver Rose: I think you owe me a solid reason. I worked my ass off for you and the kids to have a nice life and you owe me a reason that makes sense. I want to hear it.

Barbara Rose: Because. When I watch you eat. When I see you asleep. When I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.

I wold say that's definitely loss of peace of mind lol

What movie is that from?

 

[Dakota]

I wold say that's definitely loss of peace of mind lol

What movie is that from?

The War of the Roses

That pretty much sums it up for me. A thousand little things that sound petty, but when you add it all up I just couldn't stand living with her any more. There were some big issues that could have been enough to break us up, but I was willing to forgive and forget.

A strong relationship can withstand the occasional challenge, but when the foundation erodes it just all crumbles.

Familiarity breeds contempt


^^ The answer is somewhere in the middle between the familiarity and the contempt in my opinion. Sometimes it all becomes so exhausting.

 

[Larry Gude]

Barbara Rose: I think you owe me a solid reason. I worked my ass off for you and the kids to have a nice life and you owe me a reason that makes sense. I want to hear it.

Oliver Rose: Because. When I watch you eat. When I see you asleep. When I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.

Not so funny anymore, is it?

 

[Dakota]

Not so funny anymore, is it?

I'd say not!

 

[MMDad]

Not so funny anymore, is it?

I think it's still funny, and I'm in the middle of it now. That movie should be required for all married people. Sure it's over the top, but it does drive home the lesson that the best way to handle divorce is to do it as quickly and smoothly as possible. Trying to get revenge is just asking for mutually assured destruction.

 

[Larry Gude]

Trying to get revenge is just asking for mutually assured destruction.

And some people want that.

One of my lawyers told the tale of an elderly couple, married forever, like 60 years or something who, finally, got a divorce. And they fought tooth and nail over everything. EVERYTHING. Wasted pretty much ALL their money and...


....got remarried.

Some people love hate. It's what kept them going all those years and what keeps them warm at night. The Rose movie IS a perfect example of how life CAN be because plenty of people really, really, really love hating someone.

 

[Larry Gude]

I'd say not!

That's our culture; it's a hoot when some gal kicks some evil white guy in the nuts but, it's a federal hate crime when some hell bytch gets even slapped.

I guess we'll have truly progressed when sending a white male to the ground, writhing in agony, isn't funny anymore.

 

[Dakota]

That's our culture; it's a hoot when some gal kicks some evil white guy in the nuts but, it's a federal hate crime when some hell bytch gets even slapped.

I guess we'll have truly progressed when sending a white male to the ground, writhing in agony, isn't funny anymore.

Have you forgotten he pissed in her fish during a dinner party.

 

[Larry Gude]

Have you forgotten he pissed in her fish during a dinner party.

I watched enough of that movie to know what it is, feel sick and turn it off. I don't remember a second of it past that.

 

[vraiblonde]

I guess we'll have truly progressed when sending a white male to the ground, writhing in agony, isn't funny anymore.

Rochambeau was invented by men. So you only have yourselves to blame if people find entertainment in ball maiming.

 

[chess]

dont get married... stay single easy solution.... it works