Compatibility...

Larry Gude

Strung Out
...in the pursuit of happiness.

It is my opinion that two things matter in a relationship; compatibility and the ability to resolve disagreements in a mutually satisfactory fashion over time which, frankly, is just another compatibility. Now, I say this with 3 divorces so, take that 2,000 pound grain of salt into consideration. :diva:

So, to you, what is included in a general outline of a great marriage, partnership?

#1 seems obvious; attraction. That can be problematic, especially for the young as they have little in terms of context to help them weigh initial attraction over time never mind personal development, growth of interests, passions, desires, likes, etc. Simply growing apart.

It seems to me the list can end at #2, ability to resolve differences. Attraction is a compatibility and how you deal with life thereafter is everything else. Day to day living together, family, sex, religion, money, neighbors, goals, dreams, everything. Agreed? No?

Every significant relationship I've ever had, adult ones, frayed over time over incompatibilities that existed at the outset that, ultimately, were not resolved to mutual satisfaction over time. I suppose there are plenty of relationships that never had any incompatibilities but I presume any one that lasts simply finds ways, whatever comes up, to resolves things satisfactorily even if it is simply dealing with it or ignoring it. I say this to mean that, in my view, if you keep going together, you've resolved it to satisfaction on an ongoing basis and that doesn't mean 'perfect' or you won or they did or that it doesn't recur but simply that, day after day, it's good enough to stay together. I'm not real big on people saying "Oh, I didn't know they were like THAT until later!" Sure you did. Maybe you ignored it or didn't think it would be that big a deal but you were at least aware. So, then what? Resolve to mutual satisfaction or cash in your chips, take what you've learned, growth, and life goes on.

This is inspired with the recent beginning of a relationship that has my head swimming in a warm sea of compatibilities. The other major relationships of my life, as I say, had incompatibilities at the outset that I recognized at the time and I, at the time, weighed all the good stuff, the compatibilities, as being likely to over come. The power of love, the power to conquer all. Some I even thought out as differences that may become assets. I mean, when we come right down to it, unless it's something major like addictions, violence, bad breathe, how you gonna know unless you REALLY know yourself? And how the heck do you get to REALLY know yourself other than diving in? We're all just theories until we commit.

That said, over time, I've come to be of the opinion that something that rises to the level of 'incompatible' is just that. I'm not talking preference. I'm talking the big picture items listed above. My last attempt at this in forum form, it seems, was too personal and deeply offended a person which lead me to think maybe it would offend most or any other woman, as was suggested by some forum members so, there, you told me so, so, I'll take that advice and leave anything remotely specific out of this and just focus on generalities.

Long story short; I can't find anything that I am excusing away as something the good stuff will over come. By now, EVERY other relationship, I was able to identify some things, them, me, that were incompatible that I would then ponder as "OK, so, that's just different and that's OK because it's not a big deal/we'll work it out/maybe her way is better/the good will over come etc.

This is the most compatible I've experienced. It's early on, however, as I say, in my view, it doesn't take long to recognize differences and/or incompatibilities.

And now I want to write a whole big long list of personal #### because I just like talking about this stuff...but, I won't. At least not too personal. :lol:

So, what is YOUR personal stuff, your compatibility list(s), attractions, day to day stuff, family, money, sex, religion, goals, dreams, the big stuff. Not the preferences but the ties that bind?

:popcorn:
 
This thread is exactly what dating is all about... there is no mathematical equation or certain level of chemistry that ensures a budding relationship will be "THE ONE" that you've been looking for and the person is really the person you will grow old with until your dying day. There is so much more to it such as timing, baggage, rooted wants and expectations, etc.

The only way to find out if its the lasting relationship you are hoping to find is to actually jump in with both feet and give it a go... don't overthink it.

Disclaimer: this was NOT directed specifically at you, Larry... It's just my observation that is front and center in my mind as I watch my 20 yr old navigate the dating waters.
 

Larry Gude

Strung Out
This thread is exactly what dating is all about... there is no mathematical equation or certain level of chemistry that ensures a budding relationship will be "THE ONE" that you've been looking for and the person is really the person you will grow old with until your dying day. There is so much more to it such as timing, baggage, rooted wants and expectations, etc.

The only way to find out if its the lasting relationship you are hoping to find is to actually jump in with both feet and give it a go... don't overthink it.

Disclaimer: this was NOT directed specifically at you, Larry... It's just my observation that is front and center in my mind as I watch my 20 yr old navigate the dating waters.

The compatibilities are piling up. :buddies:

I really don't know how 20 year olds can move forward with much of a list as they're such partially baked people. That's why I think conflict resolution is so important because with so many unknowns of self at that age, man, there's gonna be stuff to work through and I admire the heck out of people who always find their way. I remember my first marriage and we were struggling and went to see someone and they asked us that and she and I had such different answers to how we approached problems. Might be a great first date question! "So, how do you figure we'll handle our first difference of opinion...?" :lol:
 
The compatibilities are piling up. :buddies:

I really don't know how 20 year olds can move forward with much of a list as they're such partially baked people. That's why I think conflict resolution is so important because with so many unknowns of self at that age, man, there's gonna be stuff to work through and I admire the heck out of people who always find their way. I remember my first marriage and we were struggling and went to see someone and they asked us that and she and I had such different answers to how we approached problems. Might be a great first date question! "So, how do you figure we'll handle our first difference of opinion...?" :lol:
Yeah and that's why I explained to her from the age of 16 when we let her start dating that she needed to take dating seriously... that even if one intended to "date casually" "for the fun of it" "no harm/no foul I'm enjoying my youth" it ALWAYS involves emotion and forms your view of relationships and that she should always see it as what it is... a tool for figuring out what she deems compatible, acceptable, must-haves and deal breakers and that if she views dating this way there will never be regrets because she'll never see an attempt at developing a relationship as a "failure" but rather personal growth giving her the ability to move on and "date up" being more self-aware of what she wants and doesn't want in a man.
 

Larry Gude

Strung Out
Yeah and that's why I explained to her from the age of 16 when we let her start dating that she needed to take dating seriously... that even if one intended to "date casually" "for the fun of it" "no harm/no foul I'm enjoying my youth" it ALWAYS involves emotion and forms your view of relationships and that she should always see it as what it is... a tool for figuring out what she deems compatible, acceptable, must-haves and deal breakers and that if she views dating this way there will never be regrets because she'll never see an attempt at developing a relationship as a "failure" but rather personal growth giving her the ability to move on and "date up" being more self-aware of what she wants and doesn't want in a man.

That's a wonderful mindset to be teaching her and it seems not everyone ascribes to it with a fair bit of focus going towards 'if it's not forever, it's a bad thing' but no one says that. It's the 'unspoken'. I grill the crap out of my friends and it's a lot of fun getting into their marriages, how'd you meet, what attracts you to each other, how do y'all manage this part, that part, money, kids, college, etc. Some really interesting, fun stuff.
 

Larry Gude

Strung Out
"....but it'll buy me a boat...and a truck to pull it...and a Yeti 110 iced down with some silver bullets..."
 

Im_Me

Active Member
Have you been together long enough to assess "real" compatibility. Seems like early on the only big choices are what to do on a date. Not exactly a huge challenge on the ability of a couple to discuss and compromise.
 

Kyle

ULTRA-F###ING-MAGA!
PREMO Member
I thought true compatibility was proven when she gets comfortable enough to take a dump with the door open?
 

Larry Gude

Strung Out
Have you been together long enough to assess "real" compatibility. Seems like early on the only big choices are what to do on a date. Not exactly a huge challenge on the ability of a couple to discuss and compromise.

Well, great question. What is 'long enough'?

Do you just know when you know? Is it a year? 10? Never, not really?

Every significant relationship I've ever had by this time, month or so in, there were personality traits revealed that I had to stop and ponder. Not good nor bad nor indifferent, just...different. Different approaches, ways of seeing something, that caused me to say "Ok, that's different". In each case there was enough or more than enough good stuff, obviously, to go forward as well as me being willing and interested in learning and growing to understand differing views. At some level, this should be a problem and at some other level this is a benefit as you learn maybe a better way, better views. In some cases those views/traits became problems down the road. In some, they became ways I adopted and made me a better person. Point being, in my view, my experiences, I've gotten to know the person, not complete but pretty damn close in about a month and there was no way to learn without getting in.

So far, in this relationship there has been 1 instance and I, very happily, recognized that there was no instance; it was a presumption I had made entirely out of my OWN views. It is my view that getting to know someone well enough to 'know' if this is going to at least have a chance does not take that long. Especially at 51.

Thoughts? :popcorn: :buddies:
 

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
There's an old Yiddish proverb: "We plan, God laughs."

Things change, and people change, so what may have been "compatible" at one point can become decidedly incompatible at the drop of a hat. You see it all the time: couple has been together for a million years and seem to have a happy life, then one of them decides they'd be happier somewhere else, and just like that everyone has to make new plans for the future. So sometimes it's best to just go with the flow and not worry about it too much. Enjoy the now.
 

Im_Me

Active Member
Well, great question. What is 'long enough'?

Do you just know when you know? Is it a year? 10? Never, not really?

Every significant relationship I've ever had by this time, month or so in, there were personality traits revealed that I had to stop and ponder. Not good nor bad nor indifferent, just...different. Different approaches, ways of seeing something, that caused me to say "Ok, that's different". In each case there was enough or more than enough good stuff, obviously, to go forward as well as me being willing and interested in learning and growing to understand differing views. At some level, this should be a problem and at some other level this is a benefit as you learn maybe a better way, better views. In some cases those views/traits became problems down the road. In some, they became ways I adopted and made me a better person. Point being, in my view, my experiences, I've gotten to know the person, not complete but pretty damn close in about a month and there was no way to learn without getting in.

So far, in this relationship there has been 1 instance and I, very happily, recognized that there was no instance; it was a presumption I had made entirely out of my OWN views. It is my view that getting to know someone well enough to 'know' if this is going to at least have a chance does not take that long. Especially at 51.

Thoughts? :popcorn: :buddies:

It's highly possible that, if you never hear something form this person that makes you question your personal opinion or your way of accomplishing a task, the person really doesn't have much to say or is waiting to hear your opinion before expressing a different opinion. A month of full communion is one thing, a lifetime like that could be kind of boring....
 
Top