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Thread: I am the mother of "that child"

  1. #241
    Doris Day meets Lady Gaga Bann's Avatar
    Member Since
    Mar 2006
    Prince Frederick
    Quote Originally Posted by libertytyranny View Post

    In nearly every study ever done physical punishment is linked with worse outcomes. It may "work" in that it frightens younger children into hiding things better as not to experience physical punishment, but it teaches nothing, especially not coping mechanisms or anything useful for the child except avoidance.. Im not saying that as some sort of anti spanking Nazi; when my daughter was younger a well timed swat to make a point happened more than once. But for an older child with behavioral issues, especially with an unknown past experience and possible predisposition to mental health problems, physical punishment sounds llike the very worst idea and would likely make his behavior and mental health worse, not better. And thats not my opinion, that is scientifically upheld fact. Yes, it does appear to be on a scale, ie harsher punishment causes worse issues etc, but with an unknown past, its better not to play roulette with gene and environment interplays, in my opinion.

    Your point about dynamics,though, is a solid one. Changing them can be helpful. Most of my mental health treatment experience is with adults, but one of my youngest patients was a young teenager with mostly behavioral issues. She was out of control, was kicked out of school, had violent behavior very similar to that described by the OP. She responded really well to simplfying her life (ie her parents took away nearly everything but a change of clothes and a pillow/blanket) and she earned things back with an elaborate chart developed with her parents and treatment team (it included everything from daily responsibilities to handling things appropriately and was no doubt an intense project for her parents). It gave her something to work for, and was a long enough process (over months) that she was able to learn self regulation and other skills along the way. This time did include inpatient treatment in a mental health unit (where I met her and upheld her chart while she was there) and they did get her on a useful med as well as involved her in groups where she could start to learn skills like delayed gratification, anger management and how to communicate your needs to people in a clear and non violent way. Many people that advocate punishment only dont really understand that often learning these skills are the difference between someone who is totally disabled with their mental disorder and someone who can manage, even in severe cases like schizophrenia. It sounds silly, like its something "average" kids learn through life, but sometimes it takes targeted learning and treatment, a tutor if you will, to help people who are not average grasp these things.

    OP, I am sorry there arent more resources for you in this area. Our drug and dump mental health treatment is sad and doesn't help anyone. and I don't envy the amount of work it takes to get a child like that on track, its HARD. But you dont have to do it alone! Please find a good support group , even online forums and make sure you are taken care of as well. My father has late stage cancer and we found a WEALTH of knowledge online from other families, things that helped not only with his treatment, but with his comfort as well. Tapping in to that has made all of the "stuff" such so much easier to navigate. Best of luck, adn whatever you need to do to be safe and provide a chance for hima nd your family is the right decision.

    Good post!

  2. #242
    That was a good post.. however I want to contend with "studies show"... nearly? well they didn't study this particular child... and if it's okay for them to do the study on other kids,
    heck do it on this one. I wouldn't trust a "study" these days unless i was conducting it myself or something. Now a days people collect money to have the studies make their point.

    I highly doubt one week of attempting punishment is going to make him significantly worse, or worse. At this point is he far too broken. He is already abusive to his adopted mother and others.
    I certainly would double down on her dishing out the discipline. It's certainly not worse than his previous experiences and he might earn a healthy respect for her from it.

    Yes there are at least two types of people in this world, those who behave for the respect of consequences and those who don't. Trying this would help us further see what's going on.
    See if he actually response to punishment from mom. They have tried dad punishing him right? then it's only fair to try it with mom, especially if he's showing mom less respect than he's showing dad, but dad has punished him..

  3. #243
    Awww, jeez Monello's Avatar
    Member Since
    Mar 2008
    Canaryville AKA St. Monello
    Blog Entries
    This might help.
    "Is Uncle Monello homeless?"

    Monello thinks he is king of the forum, now. Just keep that in mind.

  4. #244
    Awww, jeez Monello's Avatar
    Member Since
    Mar 2008
    Canaryville AKA St. Monello
    Blog Entries
    Sort of what the OP is going through.

    I adopted a 7 year old boy about 14 years ago.It was the worst decision of my entire life.
    He was, and is, a sociopath. He lies. He steals. He hurts. He cheats. He can be incredibly superfically charming but leaves a truly awe-inspiring wake of emotional and physical destruction behind him everywhere he goes.
    I say awe-inspiring because unless you've spent time around this, unless you truly understand how amazingly destructive this can be to a person's very self, you just don't get it.
    The psychiatrist during pre-adoption gave some warnings in her brief. The social worker, whose job it is to get kids adopted, pushed and pushed, pooh-poohing the psychiatrist's reports, minimizing them and insisting reports from his placements were biased.
    Now, understand, I am not inexperienced. I have other kids. I've worked with special needs kids. I thought I was prepared.
    I wasn't.
    Nothing, and I mean nothing, can prepare someone to have this inflicted on themselves. It changed me. It fundamentally changed me as a person. It did the same to everyone else in the family, in different ways.
    Friends tell me I am less outgoing, slower to laugh and smile and joke, less prone to trust, and far, far, too matter-of-fact and blase about everything. I've developed the latter as a survival defense mechanism. One learns quickly, one simply cannot react emotionally. To anything. At all. Ever. As it will be used brutally against you.
    "Is Uncle Monello homeless?"

    Monello thinks he is king of the forum, now. Just keep that in mind.

  5. #245
    Quote Originally Posted by LightRoasted View Post
    If I may ...

    There you go again. Criticizing someone when you have no pony in the show. Will you never learn?
    We have a year and a half year old grandot with another grandbaby on the way. We moved to help out. We raised two children. What is your point? We have plenty of ponies in the show.
    Last edited by littlelady; 07-15-2017 at 01:13 AM. Reason: dang spelling
    Like I said, JMO, yo! - Roman

  6. #246
    Quote Originally Posted by RoseRed View Post
    Regardless if he has children or not, I think he offered up some good ideas. You on the other hand...
    Go smell your roses in Idaho, RR. Thanks.
    Like I said, JMO, yo! - Roman

  7. #247
    Quote Originally Posted by HeavyChevy75 View Post
    REALLY sometimes people without children occasionally have ideas of how to help with them. Where I ride we have a child that is extremely hyper active. My suggestion was the days he rides the parents should bring him early and let him burn some of that energy off around the farm. Always stalls to be clean, horses washed and there is wide open space where he can just run. Shockingly enough - it has worked. They were like how did you know. 1. Been around horses a long time and see many hyper active kids burn that energy off running around the ring, jumping jumps and just being kids.
    People without children have no idea. You are welcome.
    Like I said, JMO, yo! - Roman

  8. #248
    Quote Originally Posted by Suz View Post
    YOU are an A$$. 9 times out of ten a doctor WON'T give a diagnosis on this type of problem until a child is entering into adulthood (17 or older). And I know this to be a FACT!
    I have a story about that, but I won't share it here. I may PM you if that is ok.
    Last edited by littlelady; 07-15-2017 at 01:28 AM.
    Like I said, JMO, yo! - Roman

  9. #249
    Quote Originally Posted by DannyMotorcycle View Post
    You are wrong.

    I am not giving advice. I'm just sharing ideas off the top of my head as i stated.

    Don't worry about my marriage. If I don't care to keep it, you certainly should not.
    Get back to me when you have children. Perhaps, you won't be so flippant.
    Like I said, JMO, yo! - Roman

  10. #250
    Quote Originally Posted by black dog View Post
    And you are a lier, doctors and psychiatrists​ give adolescent diagnosis on a daily basis.some of it was posted.
    But if you rant loud enough, some will believe you.
    Maybe try all caps.
    You really are an arse; a self absorbed one at that. You are by far the most egotistical member on this forum. I miss the days of nominating for titles. And, if you are truly a Marine, my hub is embarrassed to identify with you. Ooorah!
    Like I said, JMO, yo! - Roman

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