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Thread: I am the mother of "that child"

  1. #41
    Quote Originally Posted by LightRoasted View Post
    If I may ...



    Where is the other parental unit, aka, the father, in this story? What has he done? Has he taken a belt, stick, branch, bat, a top this boy's skull? Ok, ok, a bit figuratively? These type of behaviors just don't materialize overnight.
    Good point...my husband is very much in the picture, we've been happily married for 15 years. However, he can physically overpower our son much easier, so he doesn't end up with the bruises that I get. And, we are both running incredibly low on leave at this point (multiple suspensions and appointments will do that), but I earn it faster, so I'm typically home more.

    All if the interventions/consequences/etc are approached jointly - for whatever reason (maybe feeling sorry for myself because of the bruises I'm currently sporting), I only wrote this from my perspective.

    And no, the behaviors did not materialize overnight. They have always been there, albeit to a lesser extent, since he joined our family at 5yo. However, with the onset of puberty, increasing strength and no corresponding increase in self control, we have now reached a dangerous tipping point.

  2. 06-05-2017, 08:38 PM
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  3. #42
    If I may ...

    Went back and fully read the other posts. He's a adopted from a foster, or is a foster? Why are you lamenting now if he had these manifesting issues when you took him in? In any case, send him back. (Yes it is harsh statement) You missed the formative first five years. It's like getting a used car without knowing how the previous owner treated the car, then complaining about the repairs needed to get it into decent shape. (People, don't lambast me for the analogy) It is extremely difficult to change, correct, the behavior of people, even kids. Even with all the love, compassion, attention one can muster. Why you made a decision take him in is a personal one, and none of, my, our business. But, I think, to truly do right by him, is to give send him back where he can get the treatment he needs, and freeing up your family's well being and safety, and allowing you to move on with your lives. It is not your fault the way he is. You have given it your best. You do not have to save the world, one person at a time. I wouldn't fault you if you sent him back. It might be the best thing for him.
    If the military wanted you to have a spouse, or family, they would have issued you one.

  4. #43
    Board Mommy vraiblonde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LightRoasted View Post
    If I may ...

    Went back and fully read the other posts. He's a adopted from a foster, or is a foster? Why are you lamenting now if he had these manifesting issues when you took him in? In any case, send him back. (Yes it is harsh statement) You missed the formative first five years. It's like getting a used car without knowing how the previous owner treated the car, then complaining about the repairs needed to get it into decent shape. (People, don't lambast me for the analogy) It is extremely difficult to change, correct, the behavior of people, even kids. Even with all the love, compassion, attention one can muster. Why you made a decision take him in is a personal one, and none of, my, our business. But, I think, to truly do right by him, is to give send him back where he can get the treatment he needs, and freeing up your family's well being and safety, and allowing you to move on with your lives. It is not your fault the way he is. You have given it your best. You do not have to save the world, one person at a time. I wouldn't fault you if you sent him back. It might be the best thing for him.
    The kid is adopted from foster care.

    There are a great many children who have been saved by foster care, and when a child is that little their behavior problems can many times be corrected. Clearly this kid has more going on than simple behavior issues. "Sending him back where he came from" isn't as easy as it sounds; she is his legal parent/guardian now that she's adopted him, and that has legal ramifications. Not to mention the emotional aspect.

    I applaud foster parents; I wouldn't do it, so I admire those who do.
    "Too much agreement kills a chat."
    ~Eldridge Cleaver

  5. #44
    Quote Originally Posted by foxxynhounds View Post
    Good point...my husband is very much in the picture, we've been happily married for 15 years. However, he can physically overpower our son much easier, so he doesn't end up with the bruises that I get. And, we are both running incredibly low on leave at this point (multiple suspensions and appointments will do that), but I earn it faster, so I'm typically home more.

    All if the interventions/consequences/etc are approached jointly - for whatever reason (maybe feeling sorry for myself because of the bruises I'm currently sporting), I only wrote this from my perspective.

    And no, the behaviors did not materialize overnight. They have always been there, albeit to a lesser extent, since he joined our family at 5yo. However, with the onset of puberty, increasing strength and no corresponding increase in self control, we have now reached a dangerous tipping point.
    I can't imagine the pain my Father would have inflicted on his or any child living in his home if one of us left bruises on our mother.
    It would have been safer for that child to run away and join the carnival.

    I just talked to a family friend that has done the Foster Parent thing for decades, I asked him what he would have done with a problem child at 5 years old.
    He instantly replyed that most likely they never would have taken that child and if they did as soon as they realized it was a problem, that child would have been returned to the Foster Care system..
    Why would someone bring that into their home is beyond me..
    Proud to be a cereal comma user.

  6. #45
    Quote Originally Posted by vraiblonde View Post
    The kid is adopted from foster care.

    There are a great many children who have been saved by foster care, and when a child is that little their behavior problems can many times be corrected. Clearly this kid has more going on than simple behavior issues. "Sending him back where he came from" isn't as easy as it sounds; she is his legal parent/guardian now that she's adopted him, and that has legal ramifications. Not to mention the emotional aspect.

    I applaud foster parents; I wouldn't do it, so I admire those who do.
    I agree and admire those who do also, but you can't fix broken. And you gotta know when to say WHEN.. why would someone put the rest of the family in jeopardy?????
    Proud to be a cereal comma user.

  7. #46
    Board Mommy vraiblonde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by black dog View Post
    I agree and admire those who do also, but you can't fix broken. And you gotta know when to say WHEN.. why would someone put the rest of the family in jeopardy?????
    You have compassion for an abused 5 year old and give them love, structure, and understanding with the hope that they'll respond to that. I'm guessing the problem got progressively worse as the kid got older, and by then they'd adopted him and couldn't just take him back to the pound.
    "Too much agreement kills a chat."
    ~Eldridge Cleaver

  8. #47
    Quote Originally Posted by vraiblonde View Post
    You have compassion for an abused 5 year old and give them love, structure, and understanding with the hope that they'll respond to that. I'm guessing the problem got progressively worse as the kid got older, and by then they'd adopted him and couldn't just take him back to the pound.
    I grew up with lots of kids that grew up as infants or were dropped of or sent by the Court system to the Baptist Home for Children in Bethesda. I think they can it the Baptist Family Home now...

    I have kept in contact with a few over the years and I will say that the ones I still talk to and the others that they still keep up with, all are pretty F'ed up still..
    That's what I have seen in my life.. it's sad....
    Proud to be a cereal comma user.

  9. #48
    #*! boat! Gilligan's Avatar
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    My foster brother was Lloyd Welch. Google it. Not pretty.
    You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. -Frank Zappa

  10. #49
    Board Mommy vraiblonde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilligan View Post
    My foster brother was Lloyd Welch. Google it. Not pretty.
    Are you making that up?
    "Too much agreement kills a chat."
    ~Eldridge Cleaver

  11. #50
    #*! boat! Gilligan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by vraiblonde View Post
    Are you making that up?
    No......
    You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. -Frank Zappa

  12. 06-05-2017, 10:21 PM

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