1. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.

2. What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
“Do these genes make me look fat?”

3. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

4. A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”
The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

5. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

6. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says “make me one with everything.”
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within.”

7. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”


8. Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here.”
Helium doesn’t react.

9. Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.”
The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too”

— and he died.

10. What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
“HeHe”

11. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

12. A hyperbole is an exaggerated claim. No, really, realllllllllllyyyyy exaggerated. I mean, like, the most exaggerated thing in the history of ever!!

13. As I said before, I never repeat myself.

14. I would make another chemistry joke but all good ones ARGON!

15. The statement below is true. The statement above is false :/

16. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called brightness, but it doesn’t work!

17. The Higgs Boson walks into a church.
The priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”
The Higgs Boson says “but without me how can you have mass?”

18. I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like..
..”OMg”

19. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though