Thoughts

Pete · Aug 2, 2004

Last Friday afternoon, I got a call form the ex. Seems that she has been getting the food stamps, (she claims just while boy is visiting for the summer) but they cut her off and she needed me to fax a letter to the state saying that she had him for the summer and I was not paying his daycare so they would turn them back on.

Aside form it being sad that she is on welfare, and had to out the fact to me, and had to ask me to help her keep it, I could not help but think this morning when I was typing the letter to the state. Being a conservative most of you already know my take on welfare. I was thinking, he is my kid and I make good money. I pay for everything for him, medical, dental, daycare, clothes, food, and anything else. She gets him for 8-10 weeks and cannot afford to feed a 7 year old? Anyway, now it will be the tax payers of DE who feed my kid for the summer despite my good income. Granted he is her kid too and in her custody right now but I just feeling guilty, not guilty enough to send her a check because ontop of everything else she is only 2 years behind and making no effort to pay her child support to me, but guilty none the less. Perhaps I should offer to have boy come home for the rest of the summer.

Oh yea and this morning she called to let me know he needs new glasses and how to go about getting them so I can pay for them.

crabcake · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by Pete
Perhaps I should offer to have boy come home for the rest of the summer.

Oh yea and this morning she called to let me know he needs new glasses and how to go about getting them so I can pay for them.

and get his glasses yourself. :wink:

vraiblonde · Aug 2, 2004

I think your only recourse is to deal with it. :ohwell:

Sorry I can't give you better advice but there's really nothing you can do. You can't force her to grow the hell up and become a responsible adult but, if it's any consolation, I'm pretty impressed by the way you've stepped up to the plate and raised your son. :yay:

The biggest shame is that this woman is his female role model.

crabcake · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by vraiblonde
The biggest shame is that this woman is his female role model.

Boy has other more responsible, admirable women to look up to in his life via Pete's friendships, and as he gets older, he WILL decipher the difference between the quality ladies he chooses to associate with because of what he's seen.

Pete · Aug 2, 2004

Yea, it seems that she has eye coverage through her job. She took him to the eye doc when his half brother went and got his checkup. The eye doc said that because of his ambliopia he needed to have his eye patched again for an hour a day. :burning:

This is caused by him not being forced to wear his glasses ALL the time. So I told her in my best stern tone to get some patches and START IT NOW !! She said his perscription changed and that patching would not do any good until he got new glasses and that she was going to wait until he came home for me to do it. :burning:

Then I went into stern lecture mode, telling her to go get him some glasses, and start patching his eye NOW because I do not want him hampered in any way by vision as an adult.

When he was 4 I patched his eye for 4 hours a day for 3 months. What a PITA !! We did it everyday and I ended up doing extra because he wouold go to her on the weekends and she would "forget". For the first month I even wore a patch to get him to do it. It was ok because I always wanted to be a pirate anyway.

I should have just waited until he got home and took care of it all myself. :banghead:

I hate allowing her to be in charge of ANYTHING because she is a first class screw up.

Pete · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by crabcake
Boy has other more responsible, admirable women to look up to in his life via Pete's friendships, and as he gets older, he WILL decipher the difference between the quality ladies he chooses to associate with because of what he's seen.

I can't find any who want to come for sleep overs or walk through my house in nothing but a towel.

vraiblonde · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by crabcake
Boy has other more responsible, admirable women to look up to in his life via Pete's friendships

Gosh, how to say this tactfully.....

:killingme

:

While Pete may have admirable female friends, they aren't instrumental in Boy's upbringing nor are they his female role models - they're just Dad's friends. His mother is the influential female in his life - for now, anyway.

crabcake · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by Pete
I can't find any who want to come for sleep overs or walk through my house in nothing but a towel.

blows my mind you'd prefer a towel over a thong, but whateva! :banghead:

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Gosh, how to say this tactfully.....

:

While Pete may have admirable female friends, they aren't instrumental in Boy's upbringing nor are they his female role models - they're just Dad's friends. His mother is the influential female in his life - for now, anyway.

I gotcha on the importance of a 'mother figure' in Boy's life. But Pete is such an awesome dad that as Boy matures (and he's entering that phase/age now), he will see and appreciate the difference in those women and his mother. Just because someone has a "parental" role in one's life doesn't mean they accept that person's actions for gospel or what they should want/become. My dad was a POS drunk when I was a kid; fortunately, mom raised me to know the difference and not take up with that kind when I got older but she did so without ever saying it. Pete's a good dad; he wouldn't come out and say "Your mom is a POS" (I don't think) to Boy, but I think Boy will will -- because of Pete's "good dad skills" -- see her for what she is/was while he's growing up.

I only hope, like my dad did, that she changes so he'll want a relationship with her when he's older. :ohwell:

Pete · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Gosh, how to say this tactfully.....

:

While Pete may have admirable female friends, they aren't instrumental in Boy's upbringing nor are they his female role models - they're just Dad's friends. His mother is the influential female in his life - for now, anyway.

and unfortunatly she has already done a number on him with disinformation.

Here are some pearls I have had to de-program him about.

"The reason she cannot spend all day taking him to do fun stuff is because the mean people at her job wont let her."

"His sisters "job" is taking care of her own kid and the President gives her money for doing her job."

"She is only letting her goober b/f live there because he owes her money and she is getting it from him."

"Mom lost her house because the mean guys at the bank took it away from her."

Goober b/f wastes his money buying his kid stuff and doesn't give any to my mom for stuff."

crabcake · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by Pete
and unfortunatly she has already done a number on him with disinformation.

Here are some pearls I have had to de-program him about.

"The reason she cannot spend all day taking him to do fun stuff is because the mean people at her job wont let her."

"His sisters "job" is taking care of her own kid and the President gives her money for doing her job."

"She is only letting her goober b/f live there because he owes her money and she is getting it from him."

"Mom lost her house because the mean guys at the bank took it away from her."

Goober b/f wastes his money buying his kid stuff and doesn't give any to my mom for stuff."

but he doesn't see/hear that sort of stuff/behavior from your lady friends, does he? And he'll pick up on that stuff in time ... trust me!

vraiblonde · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by crabcake
he will see and appreciate the difference in those women and his mother.

Because you seem like a reasonably intelligent person, I can only assume you're deliberately missing my point.

Whether Boy recognizes dear old Mom's flaws or not, the fact remains that she is his first experience with women. Since she is an unreliable deadbeat, this will color his outlook on women in general. We also have no reason to believe that she'll change for the better in years to come, so Boy will ALWAYS have a mother who is a poor example of womanhood and it will color his opinion.

Pete, this is why it's important for you to be honest with Boy about Mom's flaws. No bashing - just be matter-of-fact about it. Don't make excuses for her and let Boy know that not all women are like this.

vraiblonde · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by crabcake
And he'll pick up on that stuff in time ... trust me!

I say don't wait for him to "pick up on it".

Pete, next time he comes home with some story, just laugh like that's the funniest thing you ever heard, then tell him the truth. From your reply, it sounds like that's what you do so good job! :yay:

crabcake · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Because you seem like a reasonably intelligent person, I can only assume you're deliberately missing my point.

Whether Boy recognizes dear old Mom's flaws or not, the fact remains that she is his first experience with women. Since she is an unreliable deadbeat, this will color his outlook on women in general. We also have no reason to believe that she'll change for the better in years to come, so Boy will ALWAYS have a mother who is a poor example of womanhood and it will color his opinion.

Pete, this is why it's important for you to be honest with Boy about Mom's flaws. No bashing - just be matter-of-fact about it. Don't make excuses for her and let Boy know that not all women are like this.

I'm not missing your point at all; I hear ya and I agree to an extent; but just because someone is a crappy parent to you as a kid doesn't mean that you'll have a warped view of the opposite sex for life. My dad was crappy, yet I haven't & don't view all men as drunk cheaters. :shrug:

vraiblonde · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by crabcake
My dad was crappy, yet I haven't & don't view all men as drunk cheaters. :shrug:

No but, if your posts are any indication, you DO view them as inferior to you and pretty much disposable. It didn't take a genius to figure out that you didn't grow up with a strong, reliable male influence.

Besides, Boy isn't going to be as intimately involved with any of Pete's female friends as he is with his mother. So even if Pete's female friends are Mother Theresa, it won't change his impressions because THEY don't belong to him - Mom does.

Being neither here nor there, Pete, it's too bad I don't live down there or I'd find you a wife and mother. I'm a great judge of character and can really weed 'em out. :yay:

crabcake · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by vraiblonde
No but, if your posts are any indication, you DO view them as inferior to you and pretty much disposable. It didn't take a genius to figure out that you didn't grow up with a strong, reliable male influence.

How in God's name do you call spending 3+ years with someone (oh, and 5 years before that with someone else) "disposable"?

:dur: I forgot, it's on the internet, it must be true. :ohwell:

vraiblonde · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by crabcake
How in God's name do you call spending 3+ years with someone (oh, and 5 years before that with someone else) "disposable"?

Don't be silly. Admit that you think men are inferior and disposable. And there's no need to be defensive, I wasn't trying to attack you. I'm just trying to make the point that mothers and fathers DO influence their kids for good and bad, and no "friends" can really alleviate that.

I'll frankly admit that my bio-Dad's early defection colored my opinion of men in general. That's one of the reasons I married a guy who had custody of his own kids.

Spoiled · Aug 2, 2004

I dont know the whole story, nor is it any of my business... I feel bad for both you and your kid... Sticky situation ;\

Offering for him to come back and live with you for the rest of your summer is probably the best option... As for the other stuff about the mean bank, president paying her, if he is old enough to understand that she cant support herself so other people have to give money to her then explain it... But dont just say "mommy is a loser"

Ken King · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by Pete
Last Friday afternoon, I got a call form the ex. Seems that she has been getting the food stamps, (she claims just while boy is visiting for the summer) but they cut her off and she needed me to fax a letter to the state saying that she had him for the summer and I was not paying his daycare so they would turn them back on.

Pete, doesn't she have a copy of the decree setting the period for her custody? If so, why should you have to intervene in the matter?

Pete · Aug 2, 2004

Re: Re: Thoughts

Originally posted by Ken King
Pete, doesn't she have a copy of the decree setting the period for her custody? If so, why should you have to intervene in the matter?

She claims she can't find it. :duh:

Good record keeping isn't it? I faxed that along too.

Pete · Aug 2, 2004

Originally posted by vraiblonde
I say don't wait for him to "pick up on it".

Pete, next time he comes home with some story, just laugh like that's the funniest thing you ever heard, then tell him the truth. From your reply, it sounds like that's what you do so good job!

Yea, we have some deep conversations, I pretty much tell him like it is as tactfully as I can. I had to explain how his mom "lost a house" Still it is his mom and in his little mind she is "angelic". He trys to make excuses for her and that makes me want to scream. Well I look at it like this, he is getting early practice making excuses for her because it is going to be a life long project.

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