There was an article in The New York Times this week explaining that sometimes a woman might consent to sex even though she has not really consented to it.
The author, Jessica Bennett, describes a new category of half-rape called "gray zone sex." In this “murky gray area of consent” sometimes “yes means no.” Although, she acknowledges, sometimes “no means yes.” Sometimes a woman really wants to have sex but says no and expects to be convinced. Sometimes she really doesn’t want to have sex but says yes and expects her partner to do the opposite of what she said. In either case, the man’s task is straightforward: read her mind. Indeed he must ensure that his powers of ESP are finely tuned, lest he accidentally become a rapist.
Bennett quotes a “sociologist and lecturer on the topic of consent” (because we’ve made consent so complicated that we need a sociologist to explain it to us) who says that a man may be sexually assaulting a woman by attempting to seduce her. The woman may wish to be seduced, or she may wish not to be seduced. If she wishes to be seduced, it isn’t assault. If she doesn’t, it is. And even if she says she does, she may not.
You see, consent must be “enthusiastic” and “verbal.” Never mind that, for most humans, sex happens organically and in the moment, and rarely does it involve one partner or the other literally saying, “Yes, let us commence with sexual intercourse. I am enthusiastic about doing this!” Perhaps that’s how a romantic evening with Spock might play out, but I think we should come up with rules suitable for our own solar system.
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This is what Bennett is really talking about, though she doesn’t fully understand it herself. Women who feel like they may have been sort of raped, even after an entirely consensual encounter, are experiencing something very simple but very deep: regret. They feel used and exploited because they were used and exploited. And they used and exploited their partner in equal measure. Neither was raped, but they did indulge in something shallow, loveless, and degrading. In having casual sex, they allowed a stranger to use them as a glorified masturbatory aide. They feel embarrassed and vulnerable now. They feel hollow. They feel despair. They feel regret. It’s called regret.
WALSH: Let's Try Saving Sex For Marriage. Clearly, The Other Way Isn't Working.
The author, Jessica Bennett, describes a new category of half-rape called "gray zone sex." In this “murky gray area of consent” sometimes “yes means no.” Although, she acknowledges, sometimes “no means yes.” Sometimes a woman really wants to have sex but says no and expects to be convinced. Sometimes she really doesn’t want to have sex but says yes and expects her partner to do the opposite of what she said. In either case, the man’s task is straightforward: read her mind. Indeed he must ensure that his powers of ESP are finely tuned, lest he accidentally become a rapist.
Bennett quotes a “sociologist and lecturer on the topic of consent” (because we’ve made consent so complicated that we need a sociologist to explain it to us) who says that a man may be sexually assaulting a woman by attempting to seduce her. The woman may wish to be seduced, or she may wish not to be seduced. If she wishes to be seduced, it isn’t assault. If she doesn’t, it is. And even if she says she does, she may not.
You see, consent must be “enthusiastic” and “verbal.” Never mind that, for most humans, sex happens organically and in the moment, and rarely does it involve one partner or the other literally saying, “Yes, let us commence with sexual intercourse. I am enthusiastic about doing this!” Perhaps that’s how a romantic evening with Spock might play out, but I think we should come up with rules suitable for our own solar system.
[clip]
This is what Bennett is really talking about, though she doesn’t fully understand it herself. Women who feel like they may have been sort of raped, even after an entirely consensual encounter, are experiencing something very simple but very deep: regret. They feel used and exploited because they were used and exploited. And they used and exploited their partner in equal measure. Neither was raped, but they did indulge in something shallow, loveless, and degrading. In having casual sex, they allowed a stranger to use them as a glorified masturbatory aide. They feel embarrassed and vulnerable now. They feel hollow. They feel despair. They feel regret. It’s called regret.
WALSH: Let's Try Saving Sex For Marriage. Clearly, The Other Way Isn't Working.
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