One of my favorite enterprises is engaging someone in conversation who is DEADLY serious about something, so serious that he cannot possibly see that the subject is inherently funny. So for the last two weeks I have signed onto the NY Giants chat room during the game, as the spazzo Giants were in the process of losing about as ignominiously as possible. In those circumstances you find yourself surrounded not only by rabid fans, but rabid fans geeky enough to be signed on during the game.
The first week, I wrote that I thought that since the season was lost, it was time to pull a Charlie Finley-type crowd-pleasing stunt, like when he sent a midget up to bat. I proposed that the Giants suit up a couple of women, throw 'em in for a few plays, see what happens: "And not in the weenie positions, like placekicker. Outside linebacker or strong-side safety." I proposed that for publicity purposes the women be famous, like Jane Pauley or Carolina Kennedy. Well, the only debate that followed was about whether it was right that it was time for a desperation move. So on Sunday, I said that I thought there was a brilliant solution to the terrible crisis the Giants were in: Trade every player on the Giants, one for one, right away, for a player on the Baltimore Ravens. Throw in enough money to sweeten the deal! Switch the teams!! That way we would IMMEDIATELY be a playoff contender.
The only debate that followed was what a MORON I am for even CONSIDERING losing Jeremy Shockey and Michael Strahan. So then I posted the following, verbatim:
"I regret to say that you gents are showing all the lack of imagination that has resulted in your being stuck in dead-end, low-paying jobs, and married to unattractive women with scabs and warts, self-medicating yourselves into oblivion nearly every night to avoid having to face the hellish disaster that is your life.
We trade the team. Bingo. Problem solved.
Hey, they laughed at Gates when he thought it might be a good idea to attach a typewriter to a TV."
People got offended. Go figure.
