At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in the possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule and a calculator.
Shortly after the arrest Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. The man is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means of extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”
“As the Geek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle,” Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction he would have given us more fingers and toes.”
“I am gratified our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with such calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence,” the President said, adding:
“Under the circumferences we must differentiate their root, make our point and draw the line.”
President Bush warned, “These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.”
Attorney General Ashcroft said, “As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.”