Another AITA

[vraiblonde]

Woman's sister's fiancee (he's 23) confided in her that he had been a hard drug user and male prostitute in his *checks notes* um, youth. Woman red flagged this and told her family about it. Now the sister is not speaking to her, and she's thinking she should have kept that information to herself.

What say you?

The Redditards say she's TA and shouldn't be so judgemental (!).

I get that people can overcome their past, but when it's being kept a deep dark shady secret it's hard to give them the benefit of the doubt. What's always better is to get it out in the open, be honest, and let the chips fall where they may. Because if you lie, not only are you a druggie and hooker, you're a liar as well and that makes people wonder what else you're lying about.

Sister is being a dumbass to marry this guy. At least give him some time to prove he's really changed and is getting his chit together. If it was my sister and my family I'd have definitely told.

 

[OccamsRazor]

I get that people can overcome their past, but when it's being kept a deep dark shady secret it's hard to give them the benefit of the doubt. What's always better is to get it out in the open, be honest, and let the chips fall where they may. Because if you lie, not only are you a druggie and hooker, you're a liar as well and that makes people wonder what else you're lying about.

Doesn't it say right there in the story you quoted that the sister already knew about his past?

"I also told my sister because I didn't know how honest he had been with her and it could impact on her decision to marry him. She was angry and said she was fully aware and it doesn't make her think less of him."

At that point, it should have been the sister's and FBIL's story to tell. Not hers.

 

[vraiblonde]

At that point, it should have been the sister's and FBIL's story to tell. Not hers.

Then they should have told the story. Instead they kept it on the shady DL.

People have a right to know who's in their house and who they're associating with. I wouldn't want my family member to bring some druggie hooker into my home and if I found out later that she knew this and didn't tell me I'd be pissed, and that would be the end of the relationship. If they were honest and told me, I'd be like, "Okay, well, I'm sorry that happened to you and good for you overcoming your past. Who wants more mashed potatoes?"

It's the lying and sneaking that gets me.

 

[OccamsRazor]

Then they should have told the story. Instead they kept it on the shady DL.

People have a right to know who's in their house and who they're associating with. I wouldn't want my family member to bring some druggie hooker into my home and if I found out later that she knew this and didn't tell me I'd be pissed, and that would be the end of the relationship. If they were honest and told me, I'd be like, "Okay, well, I'm sorry that happened to you and good for you overcoming your past. Who wants more mashed potatoes?"

It's the lying and sneaking that gets me.

BUT, who would you be pissed at? The one getting married who didn't share the story -OR- the nosey sister who knew about it and didn't tell you?
Bottom line is that the OP is the azzhole for sharing a story that wasn't hers to tell.

 

[vraiblonde]

BUT, who would you be pissed at? The one getting married who didn't share the story -OR- the nosey sister who knew about it and didn't tell you?

Both.

 

[DaSDGuy]

Once the FBIL told the sister it was also her story to tell. She was NTA for sharing what was shared to her, especially since it was shared without an expectation of confidentiality. Full disclosure by the sister was the only honest path to take.

 

[Clem72]

This is kind of a tough one. Guess it depends on how long they have had their act together and how likely they were to backslide. At 23 the guy is still a kid, and if this happened when he was much younger (18-20?) there's a good chance that he would mature into a different person. I know people who were complete idiots in their youth who eventually straightened out in their 30s and went on to be good productive members of society. So if this guy starts turning the ship in his early 20s then good on him. And I could understand not wanting to share information about his past that isn't harmful to others but would clearly give them a bad opinion of him. If he used to gang bang or rob people or abuse children or something then yeah, make that clear that the guy has some violent lines he has been willing to cross before, but if it's stuff that was mainly just hurting himself then maybe its best not to share.

 

[OccamsRazor]

Once the FBIL told the sister it was also her story to tell. She was NTA for sharing what was shared to her, especially since it was shared without an expectation of confidentiality. Full disclosure by the sister was the only honest path to take.

So when someone tells you literally ANYTHING, you feel that it is yours to share?
Also, where in the story does it say or not say the FBIL requested "confidentiality?"

 

[DaSDGuy]

So when someone tells you literally ANYTHING, you feel that it is yours to share?
Also, where in the story does it say or not say the FBIL requested "confidentiality?"

Nothing in the story implied confidentiality so none exists. And yes, unless my confidentiality is requested, then I am free to pass on whatever I am told.

 

[Kyle]

So when someone tells you literally ANYTHING, you feel that it is yours to share?
Also, where in the story does it say or not say the FBIL requested "confidentiality?"

Creepy ####, criminal #### and other assorted #### always comes to light, usually at the worst times.

The sister was doing everyone a favor.

 

[Kyle]

Nothing in the story implied confidentiality so none exists. And yes, unless my confidentiality is requested, then I am free to pass on whatever I am told.

Now Occams panicking about sharing his history of with you earlier!

 

[OccamsRazor]

Nothing in the story implied confidentiality so none exists. And yes, unless my confidentiality is requested, then I am free to pass on whatever I am told.

Nothing in the story implied that confidentiality WASN'T sought either. It is an ASSumption on anyone's part that was not involved directly with the conversation.

 

[Kyle]

Nothing in the story implied that confidentiality WASN'T sought either. It is an ASSumption on anyone's part that was not involved directly with the conversation.

Contra proferentem.