Applying Lessons Learned

[Railroad]

It has been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results every time. Another saying is, "if nothing changes, nothing changes." Do we really learn from experience and apply what we've learned to ourselves and the way we handle dates?

 

[vraiblonde]

Do we really learn from experience and apply what we've learned to ourselves and the way we handle dates?

At the end of the day, we all want what we want. (There's two cliche phrases in one sentence - yahoo!)

If you have a thing for crazy chicks, that's the way it is and there's a reason for it somewhere in your psyche. If you are constantly attracted to douchebag men, there is a reason for that. Changing our ingrained patterns is difficult and requires constant effort, and even then we'll try and screw it up because we can't help our dysfunctional nature.

 

[Railroad]

At the end of the day, we all want what we want. (There's two cliche phrases in one sentence - yahoo!)

If you have a thing for crazy chicks, that's the way it is and there's a reason for it somewhere in your psyche. If you are constantly attracted to douchebag men, there is a reason for that. Changing our ingrained patterns is difficult and requires constant effort, and even then we'll try and screw it up because we can't help our dysfunctional nature.

Well said. My intent included this, but is also broader in scope to include behaviors - some examples: (not part of what drove the question) some folks don't learn to exercise less control and more compassion. Some folks learn to be considerate and polite, but it took some experience to get there. Some commit too soon, while others wait too long. Some are always late, some are always early, some cling, some are standoffish. All things which experience might change if lessons are learned and applied.

 

[vraiblonde]

Well said. My intent included this, but is also broader in scope to include behaviors - some examples: (not part of what drove the question) some folks don't learn to exercise less control and more compassion. Some folks learn to be considerate and polite, but it took some experience to get there. Some commit too soon, while others wait too long. Some are always late, some are always early, some cling, some are standoffish. All things which experience might change if lessons are learned and applied.

When Larry Gude sees this, he will post that it's not our own crazy that keeps us from being happy in a relationship; it's finding the person who will put up with your crazy because it doesn't clash with *their* crazy.

This includes friendships as well as romantic endeavors. Family, same thing: you will get along with some family members better than others because you don't have clashing crazies.

 

[Larry Gude]

When Larry Gude sees this, he will post that it's not our own crazy that keeps us from being happy in a relationship; it's finding the person who will put up with your crazy because it doesn't clash with *their* crazy.

This includes friendships as well as romantic endeavors. Family, same thing: you will get along with some family members better than others because you don't have clashing crazies.

Nah. The things that are wrong with me are universally despised. The women in the major relationships in my adult life are all VERY different women but, y'all could speak the exact same language about what y'all can't stand about me.

There isn't a woman, or family member, who would enjoy and thrive with impatient, outspoken, emphatic, moody, touchy, inconsiderate me.

 

[vraiblonde]

Nah. The things that are wrong with me are universally despised. The women in the major relationships in my adult life are all VERY different women but, y'all could speak the exact same language about what y'all can't stand about me.

There isn't a woman, or family member, who would enjoy and thrive with impatient, outspoken, emphatic, moody, touchy, inconsiderate me.

aHA! So it IS you! Yes! I knew it!





But do you agree or not that I dealt with your energy differently than M did, and L almost certainly deals differently than I did? Because maybe she doesn't have the same hot buttons I do?

 

[Larry Gude]

aHA! So it IS you! Yes! I knew it!





But do you agree or not that I dealt with your energy differently than M did, and L almost certainly deals differently than I did? Because maybe she doesn't have the same hot buttons I do?

Energy. What a nice way of putting that.

Of course but, how is that relevant? Different is not 'better'. Or 'worse'. All that does is get to the practical application of conflicting and compatible 'crazies' which, however accurate it may be, is little more than excuse making. Someone put up with Hitler. That don't make it a good thing.

I still view life the same way; would I like to be more like this or that guy who does NOT have this or that crazy that I have? Would I like the life they got out of who they are? And the answer is, of course, no. I have NO idea how some guys are happy with their life because THEIR crazy ain't my idea of a good time. And, more to the OP's point, at some point, I am of the opinion we all find out, figure out, who we are, at least in general, and some things, crazy or not, are just who we are and we can't change 'em AND if we did, the whole thing runs off the rails based on those traits being key components of who we are and, absent them, there is no telling what we might become and, given how much time and energy it takes being me as it is, the last thing I wanna deal with is being not me. I wouldn't have the first ####ing clue and lost interest in wondering about it here in the last couple of years. I just...is.

Which is a long winded way of saying, again to the the OP's point, this zebra won't/can't change his spots and I don't figure anyone else to nither. <---And maybe that last part is the real lesson?

Are you a different person? Or just happier than ever being you?

:shrug:

 

[acommondisaster]

So is this about our own little idiosyncracies and character flaws or our inability to see that we pick the wrong person over and over again because we don't learn from our mistakes? Because those are two completely different things.

IMO, people can change, and can change the sort of people they become entangled with - the key is recognition and admission.

 

[Railroad]

So is this about our own little idiosyncracies and character flaws or our inability to see that we pick the wrong person over and over again because we don't learn from our mistakes? Because those are two completely different things.

IMO, people can change, and can change the sort of people they become entangled with - the key is recognition and admission.

I intended it to be about the latter. And yes, they are entirely different things. The changes you refer to are a matter of choices made as part of applying lessons learned. You get it!

 

[Hollywoodmom]

When Larry Gude sees this, he will post that it's not our own crazy that keeps us from being happy in a relationship; it's finding the person who will put up with your crazy because it doesn't clash with *their* crazy.

This includes friendships as well as romantic endeavors. Family, same thing: you will get along with some family members better than others because you don't have clashing crazies.

This is brilliant. I've been married 29 years and this is a perfect way of wording our key to marital bliss.

 

[Larry Gude]

This is brilliant. I've been married 29 years and this is a perfect way of wording our key to marital bliss.

Just to clarify, I have renounced this concept. It's fine for getting along but, doesn't do much for fixing ones self.

 

[Railroad]

Just to clarify, I have renounced this concept. It's fine for getting along but, doesn't do much for fixing ones self.

Understood.

 

[vraiblonde]

our inability to see that we pick the wrong person over and over again because we don't learn from our mistakes?

I'm not sure most people recognize that as *their* mistake; my observation is they think they just have bad luck. When in the "getting to know you" phase of the dating process I like to get the guy talking about his previous marriages/relationships. If every one of his exes is a psycho nutjob, that says more about him than it does about them. But he normally doesn't realize that; he thinks women are just crazy or he's just had bad luck. He typically won't acknowledge that either he has a "type" he's attracted to, or perhaps she (all of them) wasn't the crazy one.

In short, if you find yourself involved with crazy after crazy after crazy, it's not them - it's you.

 

[acommondisaster]

Just to clarify, I have renounced this concept. It's fine for getting along but, doesn't do much for fixing ones self.

The mistake that you (universal you, not you you) find most often is that people who have repeat failed relationships are often the kind of people who think they can "fix" the other person's crazies to fit their ideal. Fixing oneself, for your own sake is the only way it works well, imo.

I have found in my own experience that fixers are usually also enablers. Pretty obvious why they gravitate to each other, and usually fail.