crabcake
But wait, there's more...
Top Ten signs you're at a NASCAR fan's funeral
10. Casket features an exact replica of the GM Goodwrench paint scheme
9. The deceased is referred to as being "out of provisionals"
8. Heart-stirring eulogy delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch
7. "Amazing Grace" is performed by a 9-year-old girl from Bristol, Tennessee
6. Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession
5. Hearse referred to as the pace car
4. Procession weaves back and forth to keep heat in the tires
3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the rear of the procession
3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the rear of the procession
2. First time mourners have an orange stripe on the trunk of their car
and the number one sign you're at a NASCAR funeral:
1. No coolers over 14 inches allowed in the chapel
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Reasons It Took Earnhardt 20 Years To Win The Daytona 500" - From Dale himself on Letterman
10. It took me 19 years to realize I had the emergency brake on.
9. Finally rotated and balanced my mustache.
8. Quit training with the Canadian snowboarding team.
7.Stopped letting my 300-pound cousin Ricky ride shotgun.
6. New strategy: pretend I'm Dave driving home on the Merritt Parkway.
5. Who cares that it took me 20 years -- at least my name isn't Dick Trickle.
4. Just figured out that if you mash the gas pedal all the way down, the car takes off like a son-of-a-#####.
3. My new pit crew -- The Spice Girls.
2. This year whenever I passed somebody I gave them the finger.
1. My secret to success: one can of motor oil in my engine, one can of motor oil in my pants!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with his dog. A Winston Cup race is on a TV.
He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt is doing. The bartender
says "Earnhardts is in 25th". The dog jumps up, and runs around
the barstool 25 times. A couple of laps later, the bartender says
"Earnhardt is up to 10th". The dog jumps up again and runs around
the barstool 10 times. A few laps later, the bartender says "Earnhardt is up to 3rd",
after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times
The bartender says "WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if
Earnhardt wins?"
"I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him for 2 years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I knew I had become a Stock Car Fan when...
...Tailgating became "drafting"
...I started calling slower cars "lap traffic"
...I started lightly tapping the cars bumper in front of me when I wanted to pass
...I started signaling the cars behind me to pass (they probably thought I was "flipping em off")
...I began timing my fuel stops
...I started calling every curvy road in my neighborhood " Glen"
...I found myself pausing after the traffic light turned green to get a better "restart" than the car behind me
...I miss a gear, it reminds me of Pocono
...I began hoping the car in front of me, would "go high" on "clover leaf" exits
and finally, ...I found myself cleaning "marbles" off my tires when I went slow
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10: LAWS OF AUTO RACING
10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".
9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.
8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.
7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.
6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.
5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.
4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.
3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.
2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.
And the number one Law of Auto Racing is....
A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 signs you are gonna have a bad race
10. You noticed Jimmy Spencer adding your car number to the ever growing list on his dash board.
9. You just knew you didn't need that night of drinking and bowling with Mr. Trickle. (This one only applies to those that know the easy going life style of Dick Trickle)
8. Earnhardt locked you and the 40 other drivers in the drivers meeting room just so he would have a chance to win again.
7. You are seriously thinking of taking Rusty's advise.
6. You drive a Chevy and its not for Hendrick Motorsports.
5. You just passed your right front tire going into turn 3.
4. You had a strength competition with Mark Martin and in the drama of it all Mark threw your car into Lake Lloyd.
3. NASCAR got a little mad when you asked for a different restrictor plate.
2. You drive for a beer or tobacco so to limit your TV time NASCAR is putting a restrictor plate on you car for the short tracks too.
And the number 1 way to tell you are gonna have a bad race...
1. You Noticed Gary Nelson having his morning coffee with your motor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR RACING SEASON SHOULD BE COMING TO A CLOSE
10. You find yourself drafting highway patrol cars
9. You get a tingling sensation every time you hear a wet hacking cough like Dick Trickle's
8. Your daughter attends the prom in a gown your wife sewed together from your old Earnhardt T-shirts
7. You named the twins born during the Daytona 500, Maybeline and Valvoline
6. On weekends without a race you get ripped and cheer freeway traffic from the roof of a parked school bus
5. You fake your own death to get the minister off your back about missing church every Sunday during race season
4. During the last lap at Atlanta you get so mad you pound your way through your rec. room wall onto your front lawn
3. You fantasize about renting a Pocono honeymoon suite for you and Todd Bodine, hoping your wife will understand
2. Sex is lasting about as long as a Goodwrench pitstop
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR RACING SEASON SHOULD COME TO A CLOSE:
1. You decide to crank a round of wedge into the neighbor lady since you heard she was getting loose
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BROOKE GORDON'S TOP 10 COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE W.C. CHAMP
10. Hasn't washed "lucky underwear" since first cart win at age 10
9. After "doing it", likes to jump up and down on dresser and spray bedroom with bottle of cheap champagne
8. Always leaves oily mess in bathtub after hour long Rogaine soaks
7. Really excited to race in Japan until he discovered "Wonderboy" translates to "Wonton Boy"
6. His-n-Her champ rings look suspiciously like mood rings on sale at K-Mart
5. Really got ticked off when she made bitchin' lava lamp out of Winston Cup trophy for her community ed. craft class
4. Since cool emotional banquet speech, takes him 15 teary eyed minutes to even accept Fed Ex packages
3. Twinkie fingerprints all over butt attract stray dogs when jogging
2. Since she became "First Lady of NASCAR" he wants to be known as "Slick Willie of Love"
AND THE NUMBER 1 BROOKE GORDON COMPLAINT ABOUT THE CHAMP:
1. After wild victory party with Rainbow Warriors, found Unocal hat guy passed out in closet wearing nothing but a Dupont cap and a smile
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR WIFE WAS OBSESSED WITH NASCAR
10. Damned lugnut jewelry left nasty bruises when line dancing
9. Got you out of bed every morning using heavy duty floor jack
8. The "move over" flag at your local track looked suspiciously like the nightie you gave her last Christmas
7. Always "impounded" your underwear for inspection when you returned from a "night out with the boys"
6. Still complaining about you jumping the start and her always recording a DNF
5. Put a restrictor plate on your stereo volume knob
4. Attached a bitchin' spoiler to the Kirby
3. Chugged a six pack of Red Dog, smoked a pack of Camels and washed your Hooters t-shirts in all temperature Tide
2. Kids attended Easter service dressed as the Goodwrench pit crew
AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN YOUR WIFE WAS OBSESSED WITH NASCAR:
1. Kept giving you the black flag in bed for using "leaky equipment"
10. Casket features an exact replica of the GM Goodwrench paint scheme
9. The deceased is referred to as being "out of provisionals"
8. Heart-stirring eulogy delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch
7. "Amazing Grace" is performed by a 9-year-old girl from Bristol, Tennessee
6. Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession
5. Hearse referred to as the pace car
4. Procession weaves back and forth to keep heat in the tires
3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the rear of the procession
3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the rear of the procession
2. First time mourners have an orange stripe on the trunk of their car
and the number one sign you're at a NASCAR funeral:
1. No coolers over 14 inches allowed in the chapel
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Reasons It Took Earnhardt 20 Years To Win The Daytona 500" - From Dale himself on Letterman
10. It took me 19 years to realize I had the emergency brake on.
9. Finally rotated and balanced my mustache.
8. Quit training with the Canadian snowboarding team.
7.Stopped letting my 300-pound cousin Ricky ride shotgun.
6. New strategy: pretend I'm Dave driving home on the Merritt Parkway.
5. Who cares that it took me 20 years -- at least my name isn't Dick Trickle.
4. Just figured out that if you mash the gas pedal all the way down, the car takes off like a son-of-a-#####.
3. My new pit crew -- The Spice Girls.
2. This year whenever I passed somebody I gave them the finger.
1. My secret to success: one can of motor oil in my engine, one can of motor oil in my pants!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with his dog. A Winston Cup race is on a TV.
He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt is doing. The bartender
says "Earnhardts is in 25th". The dog jumps up, and runs around
the barstool 25 times. A couple of laps later, the bartender says
"Earnhardt is up to 10th". The dog jumps up again and runs around
the barstool 10 times. A few laps later, the bartender says "Earnhardt is up to 3rd",
after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times
The bartender says "WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if
Earnhardt wins?"
"I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him for 2 years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I knew I had become a Stock Car Fan when...
...Tailgating became "drafting"
...I started calling slower cars "lap traffic"
...I started lightly tapping the cars bumper in front of me when I wanted to pass
...I started signaling the cars behind me to pass (they probably thought I was "flipping em off")
...I began timing my fuel stops
...I started calling every curvy road in my neighborhood " Glen"
...I found myself pausing after the traffic light turned green to get a better "restart" than the car behind me
...I miss a gear, it reminds me of Pocono
...I began hoping the car in front of me, would "go high" on "clover leaf" exits
and finally, ...I found myself cleaning "marbles" off my tires when I went slow
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10: LAWS OF AUTO RACING
10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".
9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.
8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.
7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.
6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.
5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.
4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.
3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.
2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.
And the number one Law of Auto Racing is....
A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 signs you are gonna have a bad race
10. You noticed Jimmy Spencer adding your car number to the ever growing list on his dash board.
9. You just knew you didn't need that night of drinking and bowling with Mr. Trickle. (This one only applies to those that know the easy going life style of Dick Trickle)
8. Earnhardt locked you and the 40 other drivers in the drivers meeting room just so he would have a chance to win again.
7. You are seriously thinking of taking Rusty's advise.
6. You drive a Chevy and its not for Hendrick Motorsports.
5. You just passed your right front tire going into turn 3.
4. You had a strength competition with Mark Martin and in the drama of it all Mark threw your car into Lake Lloyd.
3. NASCAR got a little mad when you asked for a different restrictor plate.
2. You drive for a beer or tobacco so to limit your TV time NASCAR is putting a restrictor plate on you car for the short tracks too.
And the number 1 way to tell you are gonna have a bad race...
1. You Noticed Gary Nelson having his morning coffee with your motor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR RACING SEASON SHOULD BE COMING TO A CLOSE
10. You find yourself drafting highway patrol cars
9. You get a tingling sensation every time you hear a wet hacking cough like Dick Trickle's
8. Your daughter attends the prom in a gown your wife sewed together from your old Earnhardt T-shirts
7. You named the twins born during the Daytona 500, Maybeline and Valvoline
6. On weekends without a race you get ripped and cheer freeway traffic from the roof of a parked school bus
5. You fake your own death to get the minister off your back about missing church every Sunday during race season
4. During the last lap at Atlanta you get so mad you pound your way through your rec. room wall onto your front lawn
3. You fantasize about renting a Pocono honeymoon suite for you and Todd Bodine, hoping your wife will understand
2. Sex is lasting about as long as a Goodwrench pitstop
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR RACING SEASON SHOULD COME TO A CLOSE:
1. You decide to crank a round of wedge into the neighbor lady since you heard she was getting loose
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BROOKE GORDON'S TOP 10 COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE W.C. CHAMP
10. Hasn't washed "lucky underwear" since first cart win at age 10
9. After "doing it", likes to jump up and down on dresser and spray bedroom with bottle of cheap champagne
8. Always leaves oily mess in bathtub after hour long Rogaine soaks
7. Really excited to race in Japan until he discovered "Wonderboy" translates to "Wonton Boy"
6. His-n-Her champ rings look suspiciously like mood rings on sale at K-Mart
5. Really got ticked off when she made bitchin' lava lamp out of Winston Cup trophy for her community ed. craft class
4. Since cool emotional banquet speech, takes him 15 teary eyed minutes to even accept Fed Ex packages
3. Twinkie fingerprints all over butt attract stray dogs when jogging
2. Since she became "First Lady of NASCAR" he wants to be known as "Slick Willie of Love"
AND THE NUMBER 1 BROOKE GORDON COMPLAINT ABOUT THE CHAMP:
1. After wild victory party with Rainbow Warriors, found Unocal hat guy passed out in closet wearing nothing but a Dupont cap and a smile
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR WIFE WAS OBSESSED WITH NASCAR
10. Damned lugnut jewelry left nasty bruises when line dancing
9. Got you out of bed every morning using heavy duty floor jack
8. The "move over" flag at your local track looked suspiciously like the nightie you gave her last Christmas
7. Always "impounded" your underwear for inspection when you returned from a "night out with the boys"
6. Still complaining about you jumping the start and her always recording a DNF
5. Put a restrictor plate on your stereo volume knob
4. Attached a bitchin' spoiler to the Kirby
3. Chugged a six pack of Red Dog, smoked a pack of Camels and washed your Hooters t-shirts in all temperature Tide
2. Kids attended Easter service dressed as the Goodwrench pit crew
AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN YOUR WIFE WAS OBSESSED WITH NASCAR:
1. Kept giving you the black flag in bed for using "leaky equipment"