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Bob
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into
Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for
increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The actions
of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning
citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and
agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's
not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields
at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer
Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The
producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I
could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said
I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show
him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected
higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried
installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the
fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still
got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't
give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo
station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to
fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one
carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a
nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border,
often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from
conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush
administration establishing re-education camps in which
liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious
ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as
senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
disguised in gray wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen
passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove
they were alive in the '50's. "If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious
about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants
are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the
good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy
just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many
art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and
Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian
ambassador and pledged that the administration would take
steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.
"We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we
might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The
President is determined to reach out," he said.
Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for
increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The actions
of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning
citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and
agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's
not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields
at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer
Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The
producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I
could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said
I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show
him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected
higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried
installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the
fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still
got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't
give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo
station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to
fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one
carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a
nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border,
often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from
conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush
administration establishing re-education camps in which
liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious
ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as
senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
disguised in gray wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen
passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove
they were alive in the '50's. "If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious
about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants
are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the
good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy
just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many
art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and
Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian
ambassador and pledged that the administration would take
steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.
"We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we
might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The
President is determined to reach out," he said.