Taz
Member
I tried to post this some time ago, before I had time to sit down and figure out what I was doing on this site:
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
Things I've Learned from My Children... (No Kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough; however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up in the air when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even doubled paned) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. Also, a
magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGO'S will pass through the digestive tract of a
four-year-old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super Glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB & J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a five-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
23. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful. And last but not least: The First Grade...True Story...
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first little pig was trying to accumulate the building
materials for his home.
She read "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Oh crap, a talking pig!" The teacher was unable to talk for the next ten minutes.
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
Things I've Learned from My Children... (No Kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough; however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up in the air when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even doubled paned) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. Also, a
magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGO'S will pass through the digestive tract of a
four-year-old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super Glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB & J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a five-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
23. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful. And last but not least: The First Grade...True Story...
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first little pig was trying to accumulate the building
materials for his home.
She read "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Oh crap, a talking pig!" The teacher was unable to talk for the next ten minutes.
