"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was
the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I
agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this
is it."
-Jay Leno
"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for
president. Democrats finally found someone who is
Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle."
-Craig Kilborn
"Kerry has already begun his search for a running
mate. They say that because John Edwards still has
$50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick
him. Pick him?
Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him."
-Jay Leno
"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind
and now supports the ban on gay marriages.
I'm telling you this guy has more positions than
Paris Hilton."
-David Letterman
"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John
Edwards were so friendly to each other some
political experts think that they may end up
running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were
so friendly, President Bush accused them of
planning a gay marriage."
-Conan O'Brien
"According to a new study, Botox injections can
help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry
had all that Botox - his back was killing him from
all that flip-flopping on issues."
-Jay Leno
"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did
you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old
woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an
affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry.
The woman added, "I would never cheat on Bill
Clinton."
-Conan O'Brien
"The Democrats are all over this.
Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record
means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes
own to it voters will always vote for a war hero
over someone who tried to get out of the war.
I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole
when I see him."
-Jay Leno
"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of
tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut
up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'"
-Jay Leno
"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and
they said his first wife was worth around $300
million and his second wife, his current wife,
is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry
says he's going after the wealthy in this country,
he's not just talking. He's doing it!"
-Jay Leno
"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they
revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz,
Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild,
Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg
and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential
candidate with good taste in women."
-Jay Leno
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator
Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush
and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his
wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz
food fortune."
-Jay Leno
"John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has
completely changed the presidential race around.
Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who
lives in the White house facing off against the rich
white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may
have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives
in Massachusetts. It's a whole different game."
-Jay Leno
"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic
presidential candidate John Kerry used to date
actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out.
Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone
with bigger hair then she had."
-Jay Leno
the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I
agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this
is it."
-Jay Leno
"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for
president. Democrats finally found someone who is
Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle."
-Craig Kilborn
"Kerry has already begun his search for a running
mate. They say that because John Edwards still has
$50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick
him. Pick him?
Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him."
-Jay Leno
"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind
and now supports the ban on gay marriages.
I'm telling you this guy has more positions than
Paris Hilton."
-David Letterman
"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John
Edwards were so friendly to each other some
political experts think that they may end up
running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were
so friendly, President Bush accused them of
planning a gay marriage."
-Conan O'Brien
"According to a new study, Botox injections can
help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry
had all that Botox - his back was killing him from
all that flip-flopping on issues."
-Jay Leno
"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did
you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old
woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an
affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry.
The woman added, "I would never cheat on Bill
Clinton."
-Conan O'Brien
"The Democrats are all over this.
Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record
means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes
own to it voters will always vote for a war hero
over someone who tried to get out of the war.
I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole
when I see him."
-Jay Leno
"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of
tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut
up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'"
-Jay Leno
"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and
they said his first wife was worth around $300
million and his second wife, his current wife,
is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry
says he's going after the wealthy in this country,
he's not just talking. He's doing it!"
-Jay Leno
"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they
revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz,
Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild,
Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg
and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential
candidate with good taste in women."
-Jay Leno
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator
Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush
and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his
wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz
food fortune."
-Jay Leno
"John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has
completely changed the presidential race around.
Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who
lives in the White house facing off against the rich
white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may
have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives
in Massachusetts. It's a whole different game."
-Jay Leno
"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic
presidential candidate John Kerry used to date
actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out.
Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone
with bigger hair then she had."
-Jay Leno