Subject: Noah and the Ark
It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord
speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and
cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you
to
save
the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of
lightning,
God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the
Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and
all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting
in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were
big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your
plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm
and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed
a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from
the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the
U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However,
the
Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16
carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind
aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they
had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new
flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity commission that I am practicing discrimination by
not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark
in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a
notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to
register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to
calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you
are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."
AMEN
It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord
speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and
cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you
to
save
the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of
lightning,
God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the
Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and
all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting
in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were
big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your
plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm
and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed
a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from
the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the
U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However,
the
Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16
carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind
aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they
had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new
flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity commission that I am practicing discrimination by
not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark
in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a
notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to
register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to
calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you
are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."
AMEN
