Dilbert Quotes

[virgovictoria]

A MAGAZINE RECENTLY RAN A "DILBERT QUOTES" CONTEST. THEY WERE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO SUBMIT QUOTES FROM THEIR REAL-LIFE EMERY- TYPE MANAGERS. HERE ARE THE TOP TEN FINALISTS:


1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me ."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(Hallmark Cards Executive)
(btw, for you old-timers, I know this was posted before - over three years ago... I thought it cute enough to post again)

 

[Vixen]

 

[tlatchaw]

Here's a few from my experience:

"Programming isn't hard work, it's only typing."

"What's taking so long, it's only C"
*** This from a man that people figured couldn't even spell "C" ***

The same fellow used so many cliches that team members modified the "BS Bingo" board to include his favorites such as:
"If ifs and ands were pots and pans the whole world would be a kitchen."
"I'll bet you a dollar to a donut"
"There you go"
and my personal favorite - "The trouble with start is to stop."

There are lots of things I miss about Giant since I was laid off, being managed by this guy isn't one of them.

 

[SamSpade]

I've seen variations of #2 and #4 all the time.

"Which task has the highest priority?" -- "ALL of them".

But the concept behind #7 is highly prevalent at my workplace, because very few team leaders grasp the concept of any sort of balance on a team. They DO perceive a good team as one that is extremely responsive to their every demand. "Teamwork" is a team that does this.

 

[jazz lady]

Here's a few from my experience:

"Programming isn't hard work, it's only typing."

"What's taking so long, it's only C"
*** This from a man that people figured couldn't even spell "C" ***

I love talking with non-IT people.

 

[GURPS]