Does anyone have a manual for 4-year olds?

[sleuth]

I know I've talked about this topic before, but I'm at wit's end trying to figure out this problem.

My GF's daughter is still jealous of my relationship with her mommy. Just today she asked her mommy why her mommy loved me more than her, and why I loved her mommy more than her.

She gets upset that we spend time alone when I'm in town, despite the fact that I spend just as much time with both of them as I do when I'm alone with her mom. I even get time sometimes to spend one-on-one with the girl, which I thought was a good step in the right direction.

I've tried showing more physical affection, which I've never been good at with kids. I carry the girl. I hug her and tickle her and stuff like that. I kiss her on the forehead and cheek sometimes (albeit certainly not as much as I kiss my GF).

Yet, none of my efforts seem to be helping.

I tried explaining to her how adult boyfriends & girlfriends show their love differently than adults show love to children. I don't think she's getting it.

I'm just not sure what steps to take.
I'm 700 miles away most of the time, and when I do come into town, I'm cramming as much time and love into 2 or 3 days as I can. Ultimately, I can't spend every second planning on who gets hugs when so that I can make sure not to slight the little girl. Somehow I think if I was there everyday, it wouldn't be an issue. But in the meantime, I'm not, so I have to figure something out.

Anyone else had this problem before?

 

[Bogart]

You will always come in second place - might as well start getting used to it

 

[Hello6]

I've seen in the movies that threats of physical pain work really well.

Why reason with a 4 year old at all? Why are you letting a creature that's only been alive for 4 freakin years get the better of you?

 

[sleuth]

I've seen in the movies that threats of physical pain work really well.

Why reason with a 4 year old at all? Why are you letting a creature that's only been alive for 4 freakin years get the better of you?

:shrug: It's important that her daughter not feel like she is unloved.

 

[Hello6]

You're NEVER going to win against a 4 year old with any sort of reasoning. They're only 4. Tell them the rules and let them deal with it. By catering to her every little whim, you're creating an attention whoring drama queen, and look where that got little Jon Benet Ramsey.

 

[vraiblonde]

I am almost positive that us older babes who have raised kids are all thinking the same thing. And if we say it, you'll just get pissed and say we're wrong.

So take Bogart's advice - get used to it.

 

[sleuth]

I am almost positive that us older babes who have raised kids are all thinking the same thing. And if we say it, you'll just get pissed and say we're wrong.

So take Bogart's advice - get used to it.

I'm confused as to where it says I'm in second place.

The issue here is that the daughter feels like she is playing second fiddle to mommy when I'm around... and second fiddle to me when I'm with her mommy...

:shrug:

 

[Agee]

I'm confused as to where it says I'm in second place.

The issue here is that the daughter feels like she is playing second fiddle to mommy when I'm around... and second fiddle to me when I'm with her mommy...

:shrug:

You can't be her real father. Don't try so hard.

 

[vraiblonde]

I'm confused as to where it says I'm in second place.

I didn't mean that part - I meant get used to the little girl's needy ways. Frankly, it's up to her mother to straighten this out with her. If Momma hasn't done it already, she's not going to.

 

[crabcake]

Sleuth -- the fact is, she's four years old, and being the center of her momma's attention is all she's apparently ever known. And while you have been with the momma for over a year now (I think?), you're only there part time in the daughter's eyes ... which translates into a "come and go" presence. So yea, it may be easier if you were there full time, but then again, maybe it won't. It can take some kids several years to warm up to their stepparents, and then there are some that never do. All you can do is keep doing what you are doing, encourage your g/f to have frequent talks with her about your role in their lives, and continue to show the little girl AND her momma that you care and want to be a part of their lives. But just know that pushing the issue or trying too hard can have the opposite effect than what you are hoping for. Just let time go by, and as she gets older and understands that your present "absence" is only b/c you live/work far away, she may start to warm up to you.

But as the others said, there is NO rationalizing with a four year old! So don't frustrate yourself and allow the tension to build as a result of trying.

 

[vraiblonde]

she may start to warm up to you.

That's not what he's saying. It sounds like the little girl not only hangs all over her Mom and is possessive of her, but she hangs all over Sleuth and is possessive of him, as well.

"Mommy, why do you love Sleuth more than me???"

"Sleuth, why do you love Mommy more than me???"

I'm surprised that, out of two adults, nobody thought to tell the kid that they DON'T love her less, just in a different way.

 

[Vince]

I'm confused as to where it says I'm in second place.

The issue here is that the daughter feels like she is playing second fiddle to mommy when I'm around... and second fiddle to me when I'm with her mommy...

:shrug:

Sleuth, I came in second place with my own kids. As soon as they are born, they come first with your wife and you come second. That's just the way things are until the kids get older. Then most of the time, it will get back to just you and her when the kids are out of the house.

 

[crabcake]

I'm surprised that, out of two adults, nobody thought to tell the kid that they DON'T love her less, just in a different way.

Good point. At that age, they barely understand what "love" is and that there are different ways of loving the different people in your life (parents, children, spouses, etc).

Maybe I should give him DQ's "Where Did I Come From?" book that her butthead father gave her when she was 4. She didn't seem to have this issue so maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all.

 

[vraiblonde]

didn't seem to have this issue so maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all.

My kids didn't have this issue, either, and they didn't have a book like that. I just think this shouldn't be Sleuth's problem - that the Mom should be taking care of it.

 

[Vince]

I don't really remember having a jealousy issue with the kids when they were young. Mostly lack of attention from the wife because she was so wraped up with the kids, but then the kids got older and by that time she had her career. Oh, well.

 

[vraiblonde]

And one more thing, Sleuth:

You don't have kids so this is all new to you. But most parents will tell you that once you have children, your Mommy and Daddy one-on-one time almost disappears. Ideally the bio-Dad is involved and you'll have every other weekend for just the two of you, but it doesn't sound like he is. So you're out of luck.

 

[Vince]

And one more thing, Sleuth:

You don't have kids so this is all new to you. But most parents will tell you that once you have children, your Mommy and Daddy one-on-one time almost disappears. Ideally the bio-Dad is involved and you'll have every other weekend for just the two of you, but it doesn't sound like he is. So you're out of luck.

And just like the rest of us you'll have to take any time with her you can get. Learn about babysitters.

 

[crabcake]

My kids didn't have this issue, either, and they didn't have a book like that. I just think this shouldn't be Sleuth's problem - that the Mom should be taking care of it.

But if he is gonna marry the momma, and (from what I recall) be the primary father figure in the girl's life (doesn't the dad live hell and far away with little visitation? ), he shouldn't just be the 'good-time' guy ... there may come a time when momma's not around (e.g., working, school, whatever) and he has to put his foot down on something. She will need to respect him and his position in her and her momma's life, and that can't happen if he's forced to always push the tough issues off onto mom. He'll look like a big puss if he does that b/c the girl will know that what he says doesn't matter ... that momma has the final say.

I saw this happen from with DQ a time or two ... she thought that b/c I was her parent, and was (for all intents and purposes) a stepdaddy, that she didn't have to listen to him ... but that was set straight PDQ and she got her act together in that regard.

 

[vraiblonde]

that momma has the final say.

In my house, Momma DOES have the final say. Larry is the good time guy with both the bios AND the steps, which makes it all the more upsetting for them when he gives them hell about something. They're used to me fussing at them.

And especially in Sleuth's case because he's there infrequently and the opportunity just isn't there. Plus I don't think mere boyfriends should be raising kids - if she and Sleuth were married or even living together, he'd have more authority.

 

[crabcake]

And especially in Sleuth's case because he's there infrequently and the opportunity just isn't there. Plus I don't think mere boyfriends should be raising kids - if she and Sleuth were married or even living together, he'd have more authority.

I agree ... it seems like that is the likely next step for them so I guess I'm looking more "forward" than I should about it.