There are certain unwritten rules of fast-food etiquette. For example, if you order a chalupa at 2:00 a.m., you should not expect it to look anything like the picture on the menu. Also, if you ask for a “water cup,” you are entering into a sacred, legally binding covenant that you will fill it only with water, and maybe with a single lemon wedge if you are feeling brave enough to fish one out of the metal bucket. At least, that’s the rule in Florida. Last week, local NBC-6 West Palm reported, “Florida Taco Bell worker accused of shooting at customers who put soda in water cup.”
Tragically, we live in a fallen world. Some people believe that a clear plastic cup is merely a suggestion, a vessel meant to be filled with whatever sugary, carbonated nectar flows from the fountain. In most places, this minor transgression might earn you a dirty look from the shift manager. But not in Florida. A Florida man takes the unwritten rules that hold society together very seriously. In Florida, unauthorized soda acquisition can be a capital offense.
According to police in West Palm Beach, a 20-year-old Taco Bell employee named D’Mari Jy’Quan Patterson (if that’s his real name) recently took responsibility for enforcing the fast-food chain’s water-cup rule extremely strictly. And by “extremely strictly,” I mean “at gunpoint.”
The incident began, like most great American tragedies do, with a group of friends walking into a Taco Bell. Two women approached the counter and asked for a cup of water. Patterson obliged, handing over the cup, likely expecting them to head straight for the little nozzle that dispenses lukewarm tap water.
Instead, one of the women went rogue. She walked over to the soda machine and began filling her water cup with Mountain Dew.
Now, let us pause here to consider the economics of fountain soda. The actual liquid inside that cup costs the Taco Bell corporation approximately one-tenth of a cent. If a customer steals a cup of soda every day for a year, Taco Bell might eventually have to raise the price of a Cheesy Gordita Crunch by a fraction of a penny to cover the loss. It is not exactly the heist of the century. It’s not like she was trying to walk out with the nacho cheese vat.
But Patterson —who, to his credit, is a stickler for the rules— would have none of it. According to the probable cause affidavit, he began ‘remonstrating with’ (yelling at) the women. A bitter argument ensued, drawing in a third friend who had just walked into the restaurant to find an unfolding fracas.
Rules are important
At this point, you might expect the situation to de-escalate. Perhaps Patterson could have simply charged them for the soda. Or perhaps he could have realized that he works at Taco Bell, not the Texas Gold Depository, and let it go. Instead, Patterson allegedly yelled, “Do Something! Do Something!”— a phrase that has preceded roughly 90 percent of all fistfights in American history. Another employee tried to intervene, but then came the unmistakable sound of a firearm being racked.
You can’t imagine the high drama and chaos that then ensued. According to the affidavit, Patterson pistol-whipped one of the women, accidentally discharging his firearm. One woman’s eyebrow was grazed. She ran out of the store. Patterson went after her. He cornered the third friend and fired again. He missed the woman, but he did manage to shoot a window, shattering it completely. The woman, understandably terrified, broke through the damaged window to escape.
Mr. Patterson was charged with various crimes you can easily imagine, but he raised self-defense, claiming he thought the women were armed. Hey, at least he was gainfully employed. And you can’t argue with his sense of corporate loyalty. Living la vida taco: work más, shoot más.
This unfortunate misunderstanding starkly reminds us of the escalating tensions in our modern society. We are a nation divided, a people on edge. And nowhere is this more apparent than at the local Taco Bell, where the line between a refreshing beverage and a felony charge has grown thinner than a corn tortilla.
Please consider this story to be a travel advisory. The next time you find yourself at a fast-food establishment in the Sunshine State, please remember the rules. If you ask for a water cup, fill it with water. Do not attempt to sneak a little Sprite. Do not try to mix all the flavors together to create what the kids call a “suicide.”
Just drink the water. It’s good for your hydration, and more importantly, it significantly reduces your chances of being shot by a guy making minimum wage folding burritos.
www.coffeeandcovid.com
Tragically, we live in a fallen world. Some people believe that a clear plastic cup is merely a suggestion, a vessel meant to be filled with whatever sugary, carbonated nectar flows from the fountain. In most places, this minor transgression might earn you a dirty look from the shift manager. But not in Florida. A Florida man takes the unwritten rules that hold society together very seriously. In Florida, unauthorized soda acquisition can be a capital offense.
According to police in West Palm Beach, a 20-year-old Taco Bell employee named D’Mari Jy’Quan Patterson (if that’s his real name) recently took responsibility for enforcing the fast-food chain’s water-cup rule extremely strictly. And by “extremely strictly,” I mean “at gunpoint.”
The incident began, like most great American tragedies do, with a group of friends walking into a Taco Bell. Two women approached the counter and asked for a cup of water. Patterson obliged, handing over the cup, likely expecting them to head straight for the little nozzle that dispenses lukewarm tap water.
Instead, one of the women went rogue. She walked over to the soda machine and began filling her water cup with Mountain Dew.
Now, let us pause here to consider the economics of fountain soda. The actual liquid inside that cup costs the Taco Bell corporation approximately one-tenth of a cent. If a customer steals a cup of soda every day for a year, Taco Bell might eventually have to raise the price of a Cheesy Gordita Crunch by a fraction of a penny to cover the loss. It is not exactly the heist of the century. It’s not like she was trying to walk out with the nacho cheese vat.
But Patterson —who, to his credit, is a stickler for the rules— would have none of it. According to the probable cause affidavit, he began ‘remonstrating with’ (yelling at) the women. A bitter argument ensued, drawing in a third friend who had just walked into the restaurant to find an unfolding fracas.
Rules are important
At this point, you might expect the situation to de-escalate. Perhaps Patterson could have simply charged them for the soda. Or perhaps he could have realized that he works at Taco Bell, not the Texas Gold Depository, and let it go. Instead, Patterson allegedly yelled, “Do Something! Do Something!”— a phrase that has preceded roughly 90 percent of all fistfights in American history. Another employee tried to intervene, but then came the unmistakable sound of a firearm being racked.
You can’t imagine the high drama and chaos that then ensued. According to the affidavit, Patterson pistol-whipped one of the women, accidentally discharging his firearm. One woman’s eyebrow was grazed. She ran out of the store. Patterson went after her. He cornered the third friend and fired again. He missed the woman, but he did manage to shoot a window, shattering it completely. The woman, understandably terrified, broke through the damaged window to escape.
Mr. Patterson was charged with various crimes you can easily imagine, but he raised self-defense, claiming he thought the women were armed. Hey, at least he was gainfully employed. And you can’t argue with his sense of corporate loyalty. Living la vida taco: work más, shoot más.
This unfortunate misunderstanding starkly reminds us of the escalating tensions in our modern society. We are a nation divided, a people on edge. And nowhere is this more apparent than at the local Taco Bell, where the line between a refreshing beverage and a felony charge has grown thinner than a corn tortilla.
Please consider this story to be a travel advisory. The next time you find yourself at a fast-food establishment in the Sunshine State, please remember the rules. If you ask for a water cup, fill it with water. Do not attempt to sneak a little Sprite. Do not try to mix all the flavors together to create what the kids call a “suicide.”
Just drink the water. It’s good for your hydration, and more importantly, it significantly reduces your chances of being shot by a guy making minimum wage folding burritos.
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