Heard at a party this past weekend.

M

Mike Oxbig

Guest
So God was creating the world and after he finishes, his followers ask him: "Yo God, I see you've waited to create Southern Maryland last. And you did a wonderful job of it. The beautiful rolling hills and great views of the Chesapeake and all the waterways are just AMAZING!! But I've got a question. Don't you think the rest of the world is going to be jealous of it???"

God turns and replies: "I don't think that's going to be a problem. Just wait until you see the people I'm putting there!!!"
 
M

Mike Oxbig

Guest
A SMIB walked into the local welfare office, marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing
welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The college graduate behind the counter replied, "Your timing is
amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man
who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac
daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes,
and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the
long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you
will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas
holiday trips. The salary package starts at $200,000.00 a
year with room for bonuses.

The man said, "You're bull####ting me man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."
 
M

Mike Oxbig

Guest
A SMIB, a black guy, and a Mexican are walking down the beach.
The Mexican kicks something, picks it up: it's a lamp. They rub it, a genie comes out, and promises to grant each of them one wish.

The Mexican steps up and says, "I wish that all my Mehican brothers and sisters could be rich and free and prosperous back in Mehico!"
The genie snaps his fingers and poof! The Mexican disappears.

The black guy steps up and says, "I wish fo all my African bruthas and Nubian sistas to be rich and free and bling, blingin it up back in Africa!"
The genie snaps his fingers and poof! The black guy disappears.

The genie turns to the SMIB and asks what he wishes for. The SMIB says, "Wait one second. You mean to tell me that all the blacks are in Africa?"
"Yes," says the genie.
"And all the Mexicans are in Mexico?"
"Yes," says the genie, "Do you want to make a wish now?"

"Sure," says the SMIB, "I'll have a 10 oz Bud."
 
M

Mike Oxbig

Guest
A SMIB comes home from second grade one day and says to here mom, "Mom, I was the best at reading today. Is it because I'm smart?" Mom replies, "Yes, dear"
The next day she comes home and says "Mom, I got all the math questions right today. Is it because I'm smart?" Mom replies, "Yes, dear."
The next day she comes home and says "Mom, I have the biggest boobs in my class! Is it because I'm smart?" Mom replies, "No, it's because you're 15 dear."
 
M

Mike Oxbig

Guest
Funny non-SMIB joke

Q: What do Mexicans and cue balls have in common?



































A: The harder you smack 'em the more English you get.
 
M

Mike Oxbig

Guest
There's a fire at a corner bar and the last guy they pull out of the fire is a SMIB drinking a 10 oz Bud. The fireman ask him "Do you know how the fire started?" and the SMIB replies "I don't know, it was already on fire when I went in."
 
K

Kain99

Guest
Ya know... I was able to ignore ya until the 10 oz. Bud joke. Are you trying to make me cry? :biggrin:
 
M

Mike Oxbig

Guest
A SMIB kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
The first little SMIB called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little SMIB. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," said the little SMIB, "but this morning my 16 year old sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself!"
 
M

Mike Oxbig

Guest
A SMIB whose parents recently divorced is at a custody hearing. The judge asks him, "Well, would you like to live with your mother?"

"No!" replies the boy. "She beats me!"

So the judge asks him, "Do you want to live with your father, then?"

"No! He beats me, too!" the boy says.

"Well, son, if you do not want to live with your mother or your father, whom would you like to live with?"

The boy thinks for a minute, then says, "I want to live with the Washington Redskins! They don't beat anybody!"
 
mainman

mainman

Set Trippin
Originally posted by Mike Oxbig
A SMIB whose parents recently divorced is at a custody hearing. The judge asks him, "Well, would you like to live with your mother?"

"No!" replies the boy. "She beats me!"

So the judge asks him, "Do you want to live with your father, then?"

"No! He beats me, too!" the boy says.

"Well, son, if you do not want to live with your mother or your father, whom would you like to live with?"

The boy thinks for a minute, then says, "I want to live with the Washington Redskins! They don't beat anybody!"
Click to expand...
:rolleyes: This could have waited until after pre season couldn't it have?
 
M

Mike Oxbig

Guest
Did you know there are 3 types of orgasms?

First you have the religious orgasm: "Oh GOD"

Then you have the positive orgasm: "Oh YES"

And lastly, you have the fake orgasm: "Oh mainman, you're the best!"
 
SmallTown

SmallTown

Football season!
Originally posted by Mike Oxbig

The boy thinks for a minute, then says, "I want to live with the Washington Redskins! They don't beat anybody!"
Click to expand...

Hey now, lets not get personal and bring the redskins into all of this! :biggrin:
 
mainman

mainman

Set Trippin
Originally posted by Mike Oxbig
Did you know there are 3 types of orgasms?

First you have the religious orgasm: "Oh GOD"

Then you have the positive orgasm: "Oh YES"

And lastly, you have the fake orgasm: "Oh mainman, you're the best!"
Click to expand...
tee-hee :rolleyes:
 
M

Mike Oxbig

Guest
One day at school Mr. SMIB starts asking his class what their father does for a living. He asks little Ricky, he replies "My dad works at a WaWa!". Mr. SMIB tells him, "That's very nice Ricky. Susie, what does you father do for a living?". Susie replies, "My father is a distributor for 10 oz Buds." Mr. SMIB tells her, "well Susie that is very interesting! What about you Johnnie?". Johnnie looks down at the floor and replies, "My father is a naked exotic dancer at Roses II." Well Mr. SMIB is taken back by this and decides that this is a good time for recess. Outside he takes Johnnie aside and asks him, "Johnnie, is you father really a naked exotic dancer at Roses II?" Johnnie looks at him and says, "Naaa... He's really the offensive coordinator for the Washington Redskins... but I was too embaressed to say that!"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
M

Mike Oxbig

Guest
Lorena Bobbitt is driving down the highway with her husband's dismembered member, when she gets lost and enters Southern Maryland. She flings the appendage out the window while driving down 235. The organ lands on the windshield of the car behind her, which is occupied by a SMIB and his wife.

The SMIB driving pulls his car over, leans closer to the windshield, squints his eyes and stares at the penis. After a few minutes, he turns to his wife and says, "Donna, I wish you'd look at the d*** on this bug, by gawd cap'n!"
 
K

Kizzy

Guest
Originally posted by Mike Oxbig
A SMIB walked into the local welfare office, marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing
welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The college graduate behind the counter replied, "Your timing is
amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man
who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac
daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes,
and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the
long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you
will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas
holiday trips. The salary package starts at $200,000.00 a
year with room for bonuses.

The man said, "You're bull####ting me man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Click to expand...

:killingme:
 
kwillia

kwillia

n/a
Mike Oxbig said:
Did you know there are 3 types of orgasms?

First you have the religious orgasm: "Oh GOD"

Then you have the positive orgasm: "Oh YES"

And lastly, you have the fake orgasm: "Oh mainman, you're the best!"
Click to expand...
:faint:
 
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