Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Bad day to tease a yak.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming."
Bad day to tease a yak.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming."
