The Horoscope
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistake repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.
Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA and the FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.
Aries ( Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advise. You are a prick.
Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving in incest.
Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that's why you'll always be on welfare and never worth ####.
Leo (July 24 - Aug 23)
You consider yourself a born leader, while others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.
Virgo (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man you are more than likely gay. Chances of employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most libra women make excellent prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a plu-perfect S-O-B. Most scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov23 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunk and dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting screwed.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything. You are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pigeons.
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistake repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.
Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA and the FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.
Aries ( Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advise. You are a prick.
Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving in incest.
Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that's why you'll always be on welfare and never worth ####.
Leo (July 24 - Aug 23)
You consider yourself a born leader, while others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.
Virgo (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man you are more than likely gay. Chances of employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most libra women make excellent prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a plu-perfect S-O-B. Most scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov23 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunk and dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting screwed.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything. You are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pigeons.
I was waiting for this one!! 
Now I can look forward to that! 