how do you deal....

[afjess1989]

With watching a loved ones health decline?

my grandpa (my dad's dad)has been on oxygen for a few months now. at Thanksgiving it was getting a lot harder for him to talk and to engage in conversation with the family. He was having issues walking but he walked from his living room to the dining room unassisted. Today is his birthday and I went over and seen him yesterday and he is now in a wheel chair.

I completely lost it when I was leaving. It was so hard to see him like that. I'm not used to seeing him like that. my moms parents we're both confined to wheelchairs by the time I was a teenagar so it wasnt as bad to because when I was younger I guess I didn't understand. Plus my moms dad was in the Veterans Home.

My dad's parents have a been a huge part of my life they have always lived next to me so I've always been over there. I'm having a very hard time with this. Mostly because I just had seen him walking a few weeks ago.

 

[kwillia]

Having had to deal with this several times my advice to you is to walk into that room with a smile and to remain positive and pleasant and talk about good stuff from the past, "remember when...", and talk about how much you appreciate him and how your life is better for having him and his wife be such a big part of your life. Then once you leave the room or when you get home go ahead a break down and come to one with the pain of knowing you don't have him for much longer.

The bottom line is don't waste the precious time you have left with him burdening him with your pain as he has absolutely no control over it... make it your present to him to leave him with positive feelings and positive memories each time you have to leave. When his time comes, it will help you in your grieving process to know you did this for him.

 

[mAlice]

Having had to deal with this several times my advice to you is to walk into that room with a smile and to remain positive and pleasant and talk about good stuff from the past, "remember when...", and talk about how much you appreciate him and how your life is better for having him and his wife be such a big part of your life. Then once you leave the room or when you get home go ahead a break down and come to one with the pain of knowing you don't have him for much longer.

The bottom line is don't waste the precious time you have left with him burdening him with your pain as he has absolutely no control over it... make it your present to him to leave him with positive feelings and positive memories each time you have to leave. When his time comes, it will help you in your grieving process to know you did this for him.

When did you take over for Abby? This is excellent advice.

 

[afjess1989]

Having had to deal with this several times my advice to you is to walk into that room with a smile and to remain positive and pleasant and talk about good stuff from the past, "remember when...", and talk about how much you appreciate him and how your life is better for having him and his wife be such a big part of your life. Then once you leave the room or when you get home go ahead a break down and come to one with the pain of knowing you don't have him for much longer.

The bottom line is don't waste the precious time you have left with him burdening him with your pain as he has absolutely no control over it... make it your present to him to leave him with positive feelings and positive memories each time you have to leave. When his time comes, it will help you in your grieving process to know you did this for him.

This is great advice thank you.


I did wait till I was out of the house before I started to cry. I just have a very very bad feeling that this will be his last Christmas with us.

It's just so crazy how fast he went down hill. This time last year he was able to talk and walk. He has emphysema and even when he was diagnosed with it he continued to smoke a little. My mom's mom died from from complications caused by emphysema.

 

[mAlice]

This great advice thank you.


I did wait till I was out of the house before I started to cry. I just have a very very bad feeling that this will be his last Christmas with us.

It's just so crazy how fast he went down hill. This time last year he was able to talk and walk. He has emphysema and even when he was diagnosed with it he continued to smoke a little. My mom's mom died from from complications caused by emphysema.

 

[RoseRed]

This great advice thank you.


I did wait till I was out of the house before I started to cry. I just have a very very bad feeling that this will be his last Christmas with us.

It's just so crazy how fast he went down hill. This time last year he was able to talk and walk. He has emphysema and even when he was diagnosed with it he continued to smoke a little. My mom's mom died from from complications caused by emphysema.

I feel your pain. I lost my Grandfather last month, he was 94. My sister and I, along with our girls (Mom was already there), made a trip to California last summer to have a visit with my Grandparents "knowing" it may be my last time. He also had emphysema and COPD, along with some cancer (leukemia I think). He went into the hospital in early October and never made it home. Fortunately, my sister was out there and my Mother was with him when he passed. In our case, we were able to prepare ourselves, so it was no surprise when it was time.

Like Kwillia said, keep up the happy face and thoughts and your sadness for later. I was able to talk to Grandfather a few times over the phone, but towards the end, he was intubated. I could speak to him and he would write down his answers so Mom could read them to me. It's never easy...

 

[rhenderson]

The following suggestions are things I have learned - sometimes too late - during the passing of my own family during my 71 years of living.)

Spend more time with him - ask about his youth, your great grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. Take notes/record. Also get out the family pictures and go through it with him - make sure you identify pictures/places. Ask about the history of family heirlooms/antiques - make notes because you will forget if you rely on memory only.

Believe in yourself that you are strong enough to get through the future and let him know he can draw on that strength. Listen to his complaints. If you can, take him out for a ride or visits to places he has a connection with. Let him know that he is still important to the family.

 

[afjess1989]

Thank you everyone for the advice.

 

[tommyjo]

Having had to deal with this several times my advice to you is to walk into that room with a smile and to remain positive and pleasant and talk about good stuff from the past, "remember when...", and talk about how much you appreciate him and how your life is better for having him and his wife be such a big part of your life. Then once you leave the room or when you get home go ahead a break down and come to one with the pain of knowing you don't have him for much longer.

The bottom line is don't waste the precious time you have left with him burdening him with your pain as he has absolutely no control over it... make it your present to him to leave him with positive feelings and positive memories each time you have to leave. When his time comes, it will help you in your grieving process to know you did this for him.

Nicely done.

 

[SoMD_Fun_Guy]

Having had to deal with this several times my advice to you is to walk into that room with a smile and to remain positive and pleasant and talk about good stuff from the past, "remember when...", and talk about how much you appreciate him and how your life is better for having him and his wife be such a big part of your life. Then once you leave the room or when you get home go ahead a break down and come to one with the pain of knowing you don't have him for much longer.

The bottom line is don't waste the precious time you have left with him burdening him with your pain as he has absolutely no control over it... make it your present to him to leave him with positive feelings and positive memories each time you have to leave. When his time comes, it will help you in your grieving process to know you did this for him.

The following suggestions are things I have learned - sometimes too late - during the passing of my own family during my 71 years of living.)

Spend more time with him - ask about his youth, your great grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. Take notes/record. Also get out the family pictures and go through it with him - make sure you identify pictures/places. Ask about the history of family heirlooms/antiques - make notes because you will forget if you rely on memory only.

Believe in yourself that you are strong enough to get through the future and let him know he can draw on that strength. Listen to his complaints. If you can, take him out for a ride or visits to places he has a connection with. Let him know that he is still important to the family.

Both are wonderful advice.

Jess, I said it in the other thread - Make the most of the time you have left with him. Whatever that means to you. Doing special things for him or talking about good memories . Just enjoy it.

 

[ginwoman]

wow, this is some excellent advice. They love to talk about old times....happier times.

 

[afjess1989]

Well Christmas was wonderful with my grandpa. I got him a new walker and he loved it! He gets around so much better. It has a llittle seat on it so he can sit down when he gets tired.

 

[Larry Gude]

With watching a loved ones health decline?

my grandpa (my dad's dad)has been on oxygen for a few months now. at Thanksgiving it was getting a lot harder for him to talk and to engage in conversation with the family. He was having issues walking but he walked from his living room to the dining room unassisted. Today is his birthday and I went over and seen him yesterday and he is now in a wheel chair.

I completely lost it when I was leaving. It was so hard to see him like that. I'm not used to seeing him like that. my moms parents we're both confined to wheelchairs by the time I was a teenagar so it wasnt as bad to because when I was younger I guess I didn't understand. Plus my moms dad was in the Veterans Home.

My dad's parents have a been a huge part of my life they have always lived next to me so I've always been over there. I'm having a very hard time with this. Mostly because I just had seen him walking a few weeks ago.

Saw my moms folks over Christmas, he's 91, she 88. She still gets around great but, he moves slow as heck and has lots of doc visits and I have this dull presence in the back of my mind every time the phone rings and it's one of my sisters that it's him and he's gone. So, I deal with it by being upbeat. The other day, he took me up to his room to give me something. It took a long time for him to shuffle up the steps and a long time to shuffle back down. He had four bolo ties he's had for 50-70 years and I got first pick. I just engage him. Pay attention to whether he can hear me or others and repeat things for him. Treat him very much like he is there. Go check on him frequently as I move around the party. Engage. Tease, challenge him to races, ask if he wants to go for a ride on my motorcycle. When he tells a story I've heard 50 times, I pay attention to every word, especially when grandma, whose heard it 10,000 times, goes to remind him he's told us that one, she'll see me giving him attention and let it go.

I mean, I guess it's like anything else, all of us. We like it when people listen to what we have to say. We like it when people engage us. We don't like being ignored or being 'tolerated'. So, I engage. In reading this thread, it makes me feel good that I've done it OK because reading this isn't given me any sense of urgency of what I wished I'd said or wished I had paid more attention to him.

We're all gonna die. I have issues with some younger folks in my life but, the older ones, the declining ones, I feel pretty good about.

 

[Larry Gude]

Well Christmas was wonderful with my grandpa. I got him a new walker and he loved it! He gets around so much better. It has a llittle seat on it so he can sit down when he gets tired.

 

[hotcoffee]

Glad you had a great Christmas with your grandpa.

I can tell you how I like to be treated.

• I like it when people look me in the eye and talk to me just like they always have. That takes a lot of courage on their part and I really appreciate that.
• I like it when people tell me the truth. That takes a lot of courage on their part and I really appreciate that.
• I like the fact that I can use the "I'm facing death so I don't give a sh*t about your politics" card. So if someone gives you that reply.... they are telling you that they feel free to speak their mind.... and you shouldn't back down from the discussion.... just keep it factual and enjoy the debate.
• I like to talk about the past. It was exciting and I want to share my experiences.... it let's me live them again and maybe the person I'm talking to will remember me the adventurer rather than me the one that is facing death.

I have a friend at work that had a real hard time talking to me after he found out that I am facing death. He wouldn't look me in the eye and I could see he was very uncomfortable. I told him so. We talked about it and now things are back to normal. So if you are uncomfortable with death and you know someone who is facing death.... tell them straight out.... once the two of you tackle that issue.... the life we have left can go back to normal. You don't have to go through the rest of my life avoiding me.... I need people around.... it gives me something to do!

And for the record.... I've been wanting to post on this thread but I didn't know what to say....