IntegritysDream
New Member
Then there was the horse trainer who told riders that the hardest part about learning to ride was the ground.
*****
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!
*****
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
******
Real 'horse' related ad that appeared in the Equiery ...
We are looking for an experienced barn manager to work full time at a Dressage/Eventing barn in Frederick, MD. Must be sane, not into gossip or drama, may be opinionated as long as you keep them to yourself, should have the same personality today as you did yesterday, must have some social skills as you may actually have to talk to people, should have at least an elementary school education, should know that at age 20 you are not an "expert" at anything, must actually get off your cell phone and do some work while here, should be able to read and understand what the "No Smoking Around the Barn" sign means without explanation, and finally, you should know your way around a horse...at least which is the front end vs. the hind end. I know this is a tall order, but I am hoping there is a "normal" person out there ... somewhere...who wants a job working with horse. Please call if interested ...
Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.
*****
New Year's Resolutions for Horses
I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
I will NOT bite my furrier's butt just because it is there.
I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
I accept that not every carrot is for me.
I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
Oh yeah, did any one hear that you can die from pop corn now?? how pathedic is that, toothpaste is contaminated, kids toys are contaminated, cows are mad, chickens have bird flu, lettuce and other produce have ecoli, dont eat anything from china either, and the old one, dont drink water from mexico, i mean COME ON people, my mom grew up in a old house, with no bathroom, LEAD paint, painted with lead paint as a kid, played with MURCURY, rode her crazy horse with no safty gear, or lessons, never wore a helmet with anything, didnt refregerate their eggs and GEE WHIZZ shes STILL ALIVE!!! pretty soon we're gunna have to live in big bubbles and eat or touch nothing! im the first person to worry bout diseases and everything, but the world is getting slightly rediculous now!
*****
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!
*****
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
******
Real 'horse' related ad that appeared in the Equiery ...
We are looking for an experienced barn manager to work full time at a Dressage/Eventing barn in Frederick, MD. Must be sane, not into gossip or drama, may be opinionated as long as you keep them to yourself, should have the same personality today as you did yesterday, must have some social skills as you may actually have to talk to people, should have at least an elementary school education, should know that at age 20 you are not an "expert" at anything, must actually get off your cell phone and do some work while here, should be able to read and understand what the "No Smoking Around the Barn" sign means without explanation, and finally, you should know your way around a horse...at least which is the front end vs. the hind end. I know this is a tall order, but I am hoping there is a "normal" person out there ... somewhere...who wants a job working with horse. Please call if interested ...
Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.
*****
New Year's Resolutions for Horses
I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
I will NOT bite my furrier's butt just because it is there.
I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
I accept that not every carrot is for me.
I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
Oh yeah, did any one hear that you can die from pop corn now?? how pathedic is that, toothpaste is contaminated, kids toys are contaminated, cows are mad, chickens have bird flu, lettuce and other produce have ecoli, dont eat anything from china either, and the old one, dont drink water from mexico, i mean COME ON people, my mom grew up in a old house, with no bathroom, LEAD paint, painted with lead paint as a kid, played with MURCURY, rode her crazy horse with no safty gear, or lessons, never wore a helmet with anything, didnt refregerate their eggs and GEE WHIZZ shes STILL ALIVE!!! pretty soon we're gunna have to live in big bubbles and eat or touch nothing! im the first person to worry bout diseases and everything, but the world is getting slightly rediculous now!