All right. We know that the problem is that some kernals have leaky hulls so they won't pop. Now the question for Steny is - what can be done about this issue? There are many points of concern that I think need addressing:
First - "The Rich" tend to buy premium brands of microwave popcorn (Pop Secret, Orville Reddenbachers, etc.) while the poor buy less quality brands such as Jiffy Pop, Pop-Right, Hope-it-Pops, etc. Is there a "popped kernal gap" between "The Rich" and the poor huddled masses? If so, he should immediately call for the cancelling of Bush's tax cuts for "The Rich" based on the need for the poor to have subsidies to buy better brands of popcorn. He should then immediately condemn the makers of the premium popcorn for their ruthless profit mongering and self-serving cultures during this time of increased sales to the poor, and insist that all corporate profits be turned over to The Sierra Club to study the effects of microwave radiation on the Arctic Wildlife Refuge.
Next - Could these defective kernals be part of a vast Al Quada plot to cause Americans to lose faith in their microwave popcorn, thus forcing them to pack into movie theaters in order to get their decadent Western popcorn fix, and thusly making them an ideal target for a WMD attack!!! He should insist that the Department of Homeland Security immediately get out to the popcorn growing fields and see if any suspicious-looking Middle Eastern men are out there... about $500,000,000 should cover the cost.
Next - Has anyone bothered to consider the emotional impact on the self-esteem of the kernals that can't pop because they're leaky, errr, I mean moisture retention challenged? He should insist that the Department of Health and Human Services do a study and see what can be done to give these victims a more level playing field to pop on.
Next - He should consult with Senator Chuckie Schumer to see if there is a direct relationship between the increasing number of unpopped kernals and the increasing number of gun crimes in the US. If a correlation is found, he should co-sponsor a bill to ban the sale of all firearms, and confiscate all existing firearms, until a cure for the leaky hull problem can be found. The bill should also include language that would call for the ban to become permanent if no solution to the popcorn issue can be found in 24 hours.
Lastly, he should consult with Michael Moore and MoveOn.org to see if there's any Saudi Arabia/George Bush plot behind all of this.
Most importantly, he must resist any temptation to discuss the merits of eating the semi-popped kernals or tossing them out with John Kerry as getting a definitive agreement on the issue could take years.
