Only 17 years old, Heather Hagemeier got busted when she tried to buy a 12-pack at Kroger.
The thing is, she got caught not with beer, but toilet paper. That's enough to trigger a call to the law in Chillicothe, where they must take bathroom tissue very seriously.
"Have you ever heard of anyone getting the cops called on them for trying to buy toilet paper?" asks her incredulous mother, Lori Hagemeier of Mossville. "It's kind of funny in the long run. But it kind of (ticked) me off. It's not like she was trying to buy beer or cigarettes."
Heather was going to spend the evening of Friday, Feb. 6, hanging out with two classmates from Illinois Valley Central High School. First, though, her mother asked her to dash over to the Kroger in Chillicothe to buy a 12-pack of toilet paper.
About 8:30 p.m., Heather and her two friends drove to the store. She grabbed a 12-pack of toilet paper from a shelf, and the trio went to a checkout line.
The clerk looked at the three girls. According to Heather, the clerk said something like, "I can't sell you a 12-pack."
The clerk didn't explain further. But Heather figured the clerk was trying to prevent the teens from toilet-papering houses.
"I'm not going to do anything stupid," Heather told the clerk. "It's minus 4 degrees outside."
The clerk budged a little, offering to sell Heather a four-pack. But Heather, mindful that her mom had specified 12 rolls, led her friends back to the paper-products aisle.
Each of the three grabbed a four-pack. They headed back to the clerk.
No dice. "It's only four rolls a person, but I know you guys are together," said the clerk, who refused to sell more than one four-pack to the trio.
Heather says she offered up her cell phone so the clerk could call Heather's mother to confirm the story. But the clerk declined.
At that point, a young man behind the girls offered to help out. He said he was 24, presumably old enough to buy as much toilet paper as his heart desired.
He dashed from the checkout line and returned shortly with a four-pack of toilet paper. He offered to buy it for Heather, so she could return home with at least eight rolls.
But the sharp-eared clerk overheard their dastardly scheme. She sternly warned the young man, "If I see you hand her the toilet paper, I'm gonna call the cops."
He and Heather were dumbfounded, but undaunted. They each bought a four-pack, and she gave him the cash to cover his purchase. Then, right in plain sight, he brazenly handed over the extra-absorbent contraband.
The scofflaws straggled outside. However, before the girls could make their getaway, a squad car pulled up to their car. The clerk, indeed, had made good on her threat.
The interrogation began. The girls explained what happened. The officer cracked up - and sent the girls on their way, with the eight rolls of TP.
Heather's mother couldn't believe the rigmarole her daughter went through. She says she called Kroger, and a manager told her the four-roll limit was a city ordinance.
She couldn't believe that, so she called me to get a few answers.
Chillicothe Police Chief Steve Maurer says the city has no TP ordinance. But he was familiar with the police call, which marked the first time one of his officers had to respond to a toilet-paper purchase in progress.
However, Maurer did say that Kroger does work with his department to curb teenage vandalism, usually around Halloween. Clerks keep an eye out for groups of teens attempting to buy large quantities of toilet paper or eggs. At its own discretion, the store can decline to sell the items in bulk.
Recently, Chillicothe has been hit with a spate of teenage shenanigans. A few weeks ago, several cars were splattered with eggs. Then, the homes of IVC basketball players and cheerleaders got toilet-papered. Angry parents called the police station, but no arrests resulted.
Maurer says his department didn't recently ask Kroger to keep a keener watch over eggs and toilet paper. But word got around town about the teenage monkeyshines, so he figures the store automatically heightened its state of alert.
The Chillicothe Kroger referred me to corporate spokesman Jeff Golc. He told me, "What you have is a clerk that made an independent decision. That has been corrected."
Translation: The clerk jumped the gun, and her manager has told her to quit calling the cops.
Good move. Toilet paper can be a dirty business, yet it's best to wipe the slate clean before Kroger becomes the butt of any jokes.
That's funny!
