K
Kizzy
Guest
A Good Laugh:
Jay Leno: "Well, I guess you know -- John Kerry, the big winner in Iowa last night. John Kerry, the big winner. ... Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as 'the Comeback Kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name on the campaign trail. No, wait. You know, they used to call him the Comeback Kid. Every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not."
Jay Leno: "And John Kerry said in his speech last night that this is the beginning of the end of the Bush Administration. I agree. Hey, it may take five years, but believe me, this is coming down."
Jay Leno: "John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race. Now, instead of a rich, white guy from, you know, from Yale who lives in the White House facing off a rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he might have to face off against a rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts."
Jay Leno: "Plus the big surprise -- John Edwards came in second. Edwards is quite eloquent. He said, 'We have two Americas, one for the rich and one for the poor. We have two countries, two tax systems, two school systems, two medical systems.' And today President Bush said, 'Great. Why don't you become president of the crappy America? I'll keep my job.'"
Jay Leno: "And good news today for Howard Dean's wife. Looks like she's finally going to get some of that privacy she wanted."
Jay Leno: "Oh, my God. Did you see Dean's speech last night? Oh, my God. Now I hear the cows in Iowa are afraid of getting 'Mad Dean' disease."
Jay Leno: "Let me tell you something -- hey, believe me, I'm no pundit. I'm no expert in politics, but I think it's a bad sign when your speech ends with your aide shooting you with a tranquilizer gun."
Jay Leno: "And Dean is a doctor. Man, he acts more like a postal worker."
Jay Leno: "Jeez. I mean, he's a doctor. What kind of bedside manners is that for a doctor? ''We're going to pull out your spleen! Then your appendix! Then we're going for your tonsils! Then we're going to take your damn heart and replace it!'"
Jay Leno: "And Dick Gephardt dropped out of the presidential race today. Because, apparently the country is not ready for a really, really white president."
Jay Leno: "And Senator Joe Lieberman, you know, he skipped Iowa. He's now devoting all his energy to losing in New Hampshire."
Jay Leno: "How about Dennis Kucinich? Oh, my God. He finished behind Martha Stewart. That's how screwed he is."
Jay Leno: "And as you know, NASA has landed the Mars rover on the surface of Mars. It's sending back pictures. Now it's drilling into the surface -- this is fascinating -- to get samples. Have you seen this thing? It looks like a little golf cart with a drill in the front of it. It's like a Republican's dream come true, right? You can play golf and drill for oil at the same time."
David Letterman: "Thank you very much. How do you do, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Well, that lasted about as long as Howard Dean-mania."
David Letterman: "You folks see the Iowa caucuses last night? How many of you saw the Howard Dean speech? Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? How many of you got to see that? Here's a little tip, Howard. Cut back on the red bull."
David Letterman: "Howard Dean has been like the frontrunner and then last night he finishes a distant third in Iowa. Here's what happened. This is the way it works. The people in Iowa realized that they didn't want a president with the personality of a hockey dad."
David Letterman: "Meanwhile, in New Hampshire, Joe Lieberman is not doing very well. Currently, he is two points behind the Taliban candidate."
David Letterman: "Television networks covered President Bush's annual State of the Union address. And it was...well, it was a real crowd pleaser. Bush promised 16 new contracts to Halliburton."
Conan O'Brien: "Last night, of course, Iowa caucus, y'all followed this. Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Third place. Yeah. Yeah, afterwards -- afterwards Dean said, 'Iowa is behind me. Now I'm looking forward to going to New Hampshire and screaming at voters there.'"
Conan O'Brien: "That was crazy last night. He was like the Incredible Hulk last night."
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday in the Iowa caucuses, Democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich got only 1% of the votes. 1%, yeah. Yeah, apparently Kucinich knew he was in trouble when he saw a sign that said, 'You must be this tall to win the Iowa caucus.'"
Conan O'Brien: "While most TV channels were covering President Bush's State of the Union address, the Cartoon Network aired 'Pokemon.' That's true. That's true. True story. Everyone else showed the address. The Cartoon Network showed 'Pokemon.' True story. Yeah, but don't worry. President Bush has TiVo."
Jay Leno: "Well, I guess you know -- John Kerry, the big winner in Iowa last night. John Kerry, the big winner. ... Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as 'the Comeback Kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name on the campaign trail. No, wait. You know, they used to call him the Comeback Kid. Every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not."
Jay Leno: "And John Kerry said in his speech last night that this is the beginning of the end of the Bush Administration. I agree. Hey, it may take five years, but believe me, this is coming down."
Jay Leno: "John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race. Now, instead of a rich, white guy from, you know, from Yale who lives in the White House facing off a rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he might have to face off against a rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts."
Jay Leno: "Plus the big surprise -- John Edwards came in second. Edwards is quite eloquent. He said, 'We have two Americas, one for the rich and one for the poor. We have two countries, two tax systems, two school systems, two medical systems.' And today President Bush said, 'Great. Why don't you become president of the crappy America? I'll keep my job.'"
Jay Leno: "And good news today for Howard Dean's wife. Looks like she's finally going to get some of that privacy she wanted."
Jay Leno: "Oh, my God. Did you see Dean's speech last night? Oh, my God. Now I hear the cows in Iowa are afraid of getting 'Mad Dean' disease."
Jay Leno: "Let me tell you something -- hey, believe me, I'm no pundit. I'm no expert in politics, but I think it's a bad sign when your speech ends with your aide shooting you with a tranquilizer gun."
Jay Leno: "And Dean is a doctor. Man, he acts more like a postal worker."
Jay Leno: "Jeez. I mean, he's a doctor. What kind of bedside manners is that for a doctor? ''We're going to pull out your spleen! Then your appendix! Then we're going for your tonsils! Then we're going to take your damn heart and replace it!'"
Jay Leno: "And Dick Gephardt dropped out of the presidential race today. Because, apparently the country is not ready for a really, really white president."
Jay Leno: "And Senator Joe Lieberman, you know, he skipped Iowa. He's now devoting all his energy to losing in New Hampshire."
Jay Leno: "How about Dennis Kucinich? Oh, my God. He finished behind Martha Stewart. That's how screwed he is."
Jay Leno: "And as you know, NASA has landed the Mars rover on the surface of Mars. It's sending back pictures. Now it's drilling into the surface -- this is fascinating -- to get samples. Have you seen this thing? It looks like a little golf cart with a drill in the front of it. It's like a Republican's dream come true, right? You can play golf and drill for oil at the same time."
David Letterman: "Thank you very much. How do you do, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Well, that lasted about as long as Howard Dean-mania."
David Letterman: "You folks see the Iowa caucuses last night? How many of you saw the Howard Dean speech? Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? How many of you got to see that? Here's a little tip, Howard. Cut back on the red bull."
David Letterman: "Howard Dean has been like the frontrunner and then last night he finishes a distant third in Iowa. Here's what happened. This is the way it works. The people in Iowa realized that they didn't want a president with the personality of a hockey dad."
David Letterman: "Meanwhile, in New Hampshire, Joe Lieberman is not doing very well. Currently, he is two points behind the Taliban candidate."
David Letterman: "Television networks covered President Bush's annual State of the Union address. And it was...well, it was a real crowd pleaser. Bush promised 16 new contracts to Halliburton."
Conan O'Brien: "Last night, of course, Iowa caucus, y'all followed this. Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Third place. Yeah. Yeah, afterwards -- afterwards Dean said, 'Iowa is behind me. Now I'm looking forward to going to New Hampshire and screaming at voters there.'"
Conan O'Brien: "That was crazy last night. He was like the Incredible Hulk last night."
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday in the Iowa caucuses, Democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich got only 1% of the votes. 1%, yeah. Yeah, apparently Kucinich knew he was in trouble when he saw a sign that said, 'You must be this tall to win the Iowa caucus.'"
Conan O'Brien: "While most TV channels were covering President Bush's State of the Union address, the Cartoon Network aired 'Pokemon.' That's true. That's true. True story. Everyone else showed the address. The Cartoon Network showed 'Pokemon.' True story. Yeah, but don't worry. President Bush has TiVo."